Codependency: It's Hard to Break. Can You Relate?

Ok, so I could have written this. I also grew up with an alcoholic and as it turns out I married someone with very addictive tendencies (surprise! NOT!) Anyway, my husband is great and wonderful and is currently working on these issues within himself. BUT I did so many of the things you described above. My husband also chewed tobacco and struggles with weight. We often would get into arguments about the tobacco and I was very suspicious and he would lie because he felt like I was interrogating him, etc., etc. I would also feel myself getting angry with him when I would see him eating something that he had previously said he needed to stop eating, cut back, etc. I would often compare us in my head like I could do it why can't he, blah blah blah, and then I would carry this weight and anger towards him and then it would blow up. I also felt this almost pathological need to control things, even though I knew I shouldn't, I couldn't help it and I couldn't stop it.

Anyway, our situation came to a head one day because of details I would go into, however, he started counseling and soon asked me to join. I did and and it was great for us to talk through some things together, BUT I knew that I needed to do some individual counseling. I'd known this for many years in fact, but really just didn't want to acknowledge it. I too knew my patterns and my triggers and I thought I was managing it pretty well. But I wasn't.

I know you said you did some marriage counseling and I'm not sure if that was you, you and your husband, or whatever, but I'm going to say you need to go back to counseling by yourself. Go to a counselor who specializes in addiction. I will tell you that on like my 3rd session I had this major, I mean major, breakthrough where everything just became clear. Growing up with an alcoholic parent screws with your mind and even though I knew that, just seeing it all laid out in front of me and realizing that all my actions and reactions were based on my experience with addiction absolutely changed me. I still have my moments but I learned a lot of skills and I finally learned to let some things go. It was an amazing feeling to release the weight. You sound so much like me, and I'm not trying to be holier than thou or anything, but seriously this all happened for me just recently and I can't tell you how much better and different I feel. GO! :) Also, if your husband is open to it, maybe he should go to a counselor too. It sounds like he has some addiction tendencies as well and maybe there is something more to it.

When you start to think about what he's eating, what he's doing you need to step back and remind yourself that
1) he is an adult and he gets to make choices that may differ from the ones you would make
2) he's not your child he's your life partner.

Your husband's diet seems to have a bigger impact on your family than just your hubby. When you son points out that he's eating almonds and shouldn't be that points to the fact that you harped on your husband's eating enough for your son to pick up on it. Personally I think you should be proud of your husband for making healthy choices or eating salmon and almonds instead of downing a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips.

I think coming from your background you are doing an amazing job creating a healthy family but because of your background where you had no control growing up you feel the need to over control. Only you can figure out how to not jump on this type of behavior when it comes up.

Well...I don't understand what you want us to say. You don't want us to be harsh with you...even though you are acting like your husband's mother.
You also ask us not to judge...which is kind of what YOU are doing to your husband.
Sounds like you need to get back to your counselor.
(and...as someone who has lost and gained tons of weight...if my husband EVER asked me about what I was eating or my CHILD told me what I could and could not eat...heads.would.roll.)

Just for the fact that you "despise" this part of your behavior, I'd check in with the counselor again.

I do understand why it might feel like codependency-- that you have to keep every little thing going. That can be considered as a controlling behavior, but you have to figure out the root of it to decide if it's codependency or anxiety or what.

I grew up in a household where I was scapegoated a lot and blamed for other people's feelings, esp. the adults. Sort of a "you aren't smiling so you are ruining it for everyone" thing, outwardly having to make sure everything was fine and cheerful. It's damaging. I ended up with a certain degree of hyper-vigilance which is helpful at times, but rarely, and mostly imposing and upsetting to others. I worked hard to get to the root of it and things are much improved. But yeah, it's hard. When we get the message that our actions/inaction will be of consequence, that we will ultimately be to blame, that can mess us up big time. For me, that meant my brain chemically rewired itself to constantly being on guard. (PTSD diagnosis), which was exhausting emotionally and physically. Being very candid, I found that medication for anxiety was a life-changer and most of those behaviors aren't present on a daily basis. Much more relaxed and willing to let people just be who they are, with better boundaries Take the burden off yourself, now that you are unhappy with this part of your behavior-- forgive yourself, recognize it's something you want to change, and then find some options (cognitive behavioral therapy, counseling, or other...)

The only thing you should feel bad about is if you decide to stay stuck. Can't help you on that one!

To me, you show a great deal of self-insight in this post and that you really do know what's going on and how you need to deal with it. Indeed, it can be soooooo challenging to let family members control the things which are theirs to control. I'll just send you lots of support and encouragement.

I'm saying this nicely: Wow, you are really controlling! I guess I cannot relate at all. I would not even pay attention to my husband eating something...diet or not. It is his choice of what to eat. I think you should stop paying attention to these little things and just pay attention to yourself. He is an adult and can make his own choices. If he messes up on his diet bc he chooses to eat some almonds it is OK!!! I think we all have patterns of communication or topics that make us upset with each other in a relationship...but some people have more issues than others. I think it would make you feel a lot better to learn to let things go. We don't control others. We don't make choices for them. I suggest you might really benefit from some therapy for yourself...the therapist might have some great suggestions for how you can snap out of this way of thinking. PS - I also have an alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother. It sucks. People like us who have such screwed up childhoods really benefit from therapy!

I have experienced this from the other side.
My ex husband was very similar, when he felt I wasn't making "good" choices (meaning how HE thought I should do something) his need to watch me, question me, criticize me, would intensify and it felt very disrespectful and controlling. It led me to me keep things from him and even lie sometimes because who wants to be honest with a mate who just loses it when you don't live up to their expectations?
I ended up leaving him after over twenty years of marriage (many times he would "try" to change but couldn't, or wouldn't.)
I encourage you to get back into counseling and work on this, because it sounds like you really love your husband and I would hate to see this drive him away.
ETA: how exactly is this codependency? This sounds like more like a pure control issue, not uncommon in people who have chaotic or unsafe childhoods.

When you feel that anxiety, that feeling of hyper vigilance ......that is your sign that your codependency has been triggered and you need to run to your 12 Steps.

."We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable."......
You are powerless over (the choices of) your husband.
"A power greater then you will restore you to sanity"
"You will turn your will (need to control, investigate,need to correct) over to your higher power" (you are not responsible for the choices of others or the consequence of those choices).

Please repeat every time you are triggered.

Has your therapist suggested reading The Child Within? It may be helpful to you.

If you grew up with a narcissistic mother then most likely if it as sunny when that person wanted rain...it was your fault
If rain was wanted and it was sunny.....it was your fault.
So in other words anytime that person was not happy or didn't get what they want, it would be the child's fault and the consequence was usually humiliation or punishment for the child. This is a lot pressure on a child and living in this type of environment sets the child up to believe they need to control everything (external) or negative consequences will happen. And because the child is essentially powerless in this relationship and fears the negative consequence, they develop anxiety in trying to control the uncontrollable.

So, to some, there is a (twisted) connection between loving someone and trying to control them.

So, my guess, is that this is not about your husband's diet or the almonds, but the fear that you did not "catch" the dishonesty and that you are to blame for his dishonesty and will now suffer a consequence.

Please continue to work with a therapist, you are trying to undo years of a pattern. Be patient with yourself and continue to work your steps.

I encourage you to not label this as failure, or co-dependency, or any negative things like that.

My daughter's psychologist told her this advice when learning to think a different way, or when changing a habit: don't talk about "breaking the habit" or stopping the negative behavior. Instead, choose a new phrase or thought pattern that is positive. Example: suppose you have a huge bottle of soda with lunch every day, and you need to break that habit for various reasons. Don't say "I won't have that soda today". Say instead something like "with my lunch, I will enjoy a refreshing glass of water with lemon slices in it, and I'll enjoy the taste of my lunch. I will hydrate my body and become healthy."

So, it sounds to me (obviously I'm no psychologist) that you're somehow equating chewing almonds with bad habits that other people had in the past. Your husband used to chew tobacco. Your father is an alcoholic. Your husband chews something and you notice him chewing, and off you go. What is he chewing? How many almonds are missing? Is he slipping back into his old habits of chewing tobacco? Will he turn into my father?

The mere fact that your son is policing your husband's having eaten one nut means you're training someone else to be on your team.

Now, if your husband is severely allergic to almonds, of course, this all changes. Let's assume that he is not allergic to almonds and he hasn't been strictly forbidden by a medical professional from even touching an almond. And let's also assume that he is not consuming a pound of almonds a day. And let's assume they're strictly almonds, not chocolate covered or coated in sugar and junk. Let's assume he pops a couple of pure almonds when he feels that old desire to chew tobacco, or that he snacks on a few almonds instead of reaching for a candy bar.

So, actually, chewing on an almond is a good thing. Almonds (not the kind covered in sugar and salt, but good healthy pure almonds) are great, for many health benefits.

Replace your negative thoughts and controlling habits with something positive.

Try practicing saying "I'm so thankful that my husband took charge of his weight. I'm thankful that he doesn't chew tobacco. Those almonds are a sign that he is doing something healthy." After it becomes a habit, shorten it to "I love healthy almonds and I love my husband". And please please tell your son that his dad is an adult and has done great things to improve his health and almonds are great. Try eating one yourself in front of your son. Your son won't grow up like you did, fearful of health problems and addiction. He'll tell his kids someday "my parents took charge of their health and I grew up in a literally nutty household (that's a pun, for a smile!), where they snacked on almonds! It was great to see them make good choices and I learned how to relax and have no fear".

You can do this! You can make a positive change, and celebrate good health, and allow your husband to enjoy snacking on almonds without guilt, and free your son of being the food police when it's not necessary.

One of my sisters is very like this. She had a hard childhood and is still dealing with issues from that. She's been in therapy also. Just a few weeks ago, she was worrying excessively about something her husband had said to someone else. She was worried her husband would be judged. Just as you say - she seemed more like a parent than a spouse.

She has a pattern of this - she does it with her husband's diet too.

My sister told me she feels it's what you do when you care about someone. I mentioned I don't do this for my husband - because it would feel like I was crossing a boundary. My husband would not appreciate it. We're both adults.

She had a hard time accepting that. Everyone is different. I don't judge. She feels it shows she cares - I think it's a bit much. Sounds like you realize it may not be the healthiest thing. We all have our weird things we do. There are far worse things I'm sure.

I wouldn't despise yourself. To me, people who had hard childhoods need to go back and parent/love that little girl who wasn't loved enough, or was ignored. Love yourself, focus on you and put yourself first. Let the others care for themselves. Marda (wise mom on here) said we weren't responsible for other people - not even when our kids do things that have negative consequences - we can just be there, guide them, but we have to let them do what they do. It's the only way.

I guess I don't see what this has to do with co-dependency? You are not using him to validate your identity and you aren't enabling addictive behaviors. I think applying the right title to the right situation is probably a good place to start.

Are you currently in therapy? If not, this sounds like a really great reason to start back up. You've identified something about yourself or a behavior that you engage in that you don't like - sounds like a perfect scenario to meet with a counselor about. Many folks can't even identify what is wrong, let alone want to work on it, so it seems like you are ahead of the game. Having a therapist provide you with tools to use when these feeling pop up is a great idea.

I can relate to a certain degree. I tend to micromanage my husband at times. Part of this stems from raising kids with severe special needs - you end up having to manage every single thing of their day, it starts to become habit. Not a very attractive one, either. I recognize this issue and so does my husband. When I get those feeling of needing to manage him (like telling him what he can or can't eat - he is a on again/off again dieter), I simply tell myself I don't care, he is an adult, he can eat what he wants, when he wants. Really - I just practice it and for the most part I can do really well. The other part is that I need to be able to accept when my husband tells me I am doing this when I don't realize it. Which I am able to now, but again it took practice.

Good luck!

Here's my thought. I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt. You need to go to counseling and continue in it until you are able to identify every single reason that this sort of thing bothers you.

There's no way anyone wants to live with their every move scrutinized. It only makes him decide to hide more from you. Not that he doesn't love you and plan to spend the rest of his life with you, but he is the boss of himself. Not you.

If he wants to eat candy instead of dinner it has nothing to do with you.

If he wants to chew tobacco for 40 days continuously it's nothing to do with you, it's his choice. I'd not like that one either, I can't think of anything quite so gross.

You are putting restraint on him and yes, he will hide things from you because he should be able to have his freedom.

It doesn't matter if he eats a whole bag of Almonds. He is a grown up man and can make that choice for himself. He is the one that faces the consequences in his own life.

Please do the counseling so that you can feel better about him and your life. The way you're feeling isn't pleasant and it doesn't do anything but cause strife.

Do you love him?
Do you trust him to make good choices for himself, your kids, your family?
Either you do or you don't.
At some level you have to believe that he's a basically good man and good for being your life partner.
And you let it go at that.
He's not your parents - and it's a shame he has to live with the baggage you carry from your not so stellar childhood.
He didn't do this to you - and he's not going to.
Understand - I'm not saying this to be mean or harsh.
But get a little perspective on this.
He's eating almonds from time to time.
He's not axe murdering anyone.
This should be something that once you see it and think about it the right way - you can just laugh at yourself and let it go.
He's a good man - and he's yours - and that should be something you're happy about.
Don't go nuts over nuts!