I have a friend I've been trying to support but she has some emotional issues in her life that I've never had to deal with, so I'm never real sure what to say.
She's currently married to a dead beat ex druggie, currently alcoholic, who does nothing but act like more of a child than their kids (I'm not kidding). Her oldest daughter is from a previous relationship and they just had a son about a month ago. She's depressed not only from post-partum but because of the relationship with him and the weight she's put on.
I can talk to her about the relationship just fine, but I know unless she gets out of it nothing will change. I don't push her to get out of it. He's not abusive, he's just useless. I know him well enough to say that without a hint of exageration. He spends his paycheck more on video games than on helping his family - but before their baby was born he would say things like, oh I have to stop playing video games, I"m going to save money, etc - and then he thinks because he said it, then it happened, and he just goes back to playing his video games. He gives her none of the attention she deserves and both my fiance and I are sad for her. We try to give her the love, support, and safety to talk about it with us, and she does.
However, the problem I struggle to help her with is an issue of weight. I've never had much problem with weight. I'm a small girl and while I might have big thighs, I've never actually had weight problems. She's admited that she use to be obese, then practically anorexic, and she gained a lot of weight back with this baby. She's not sure how to lose it, she's depressed, and binges a lot. She often tells me she isn't pretty or that she's fat. I've offered to go out with her and shop for new clothes, I"ve told her I think she's beautiful (she is!) and everything but having had another friend with severe eating disorders I know that nothing I say will make her feel better.
My biggest thought is that I worry because she looks at me and I'm so skinny that I mjight just be hurting her body image by existing. I don't want her to compair herself to me. I'm thin because I CAN'T eat large portion sizes or fast food or anything like that. I get sick! I've lost weight simply because of that even. I really don't want to make her feel worse about herself just because I'm thin, but I want to know how to encourage her to feel better about herself and to lose the weight, since that's what she wants. How can a thin girl like me tell her to do that? Doesn't that just sound... hypocritical? I've never had to do it so how can I talk about doing it?
I know a lot of it is wrapped up in her relationship problems as well. If you have any advice on how I can support her and help her feel better about herself I would greatly appreciate it. She gets none of this from her husband, and doesn't really have any other friends.
I think she might benefit from attending some Alanon meetings.
Her husband is an addict. The specific chemical is unimportant. He's not an "ex addict" he's traded O. addiction for another. Nothing will change for him unless HE wants it to.
In the meantime, Alanon will help her to understand enabling and addiction, manipulation and how to place her husband's issues where they belong--on HIS shoulders.
Most probably their relationship is based on co-dependency and her issues with weight/body image are wrapped up in that as well.
Encourage her to attend Alanon. Support her by offering to babysit.
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S.H.
answers from
Honolulu
on
The thing you can do is: suggest to her to go see a Therapist.
You are not... professionally schooled nor trained, to be a Therapist or Social Worker. She needs, professional guidance.
And real world, experience in helping her.
Or there are community support groups which she can join.
Just Google search it for your city.
Because, she has so many problems/issues/psychological issues... that she needs professional, help.
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K.B.
answers from
Tulsa
on
You seem like such a caring person. I looked back at your previous posts and noticed you have ongoing medical issues. As someone who is also struggling with medical issues, I suggest you distance yourself from this person. As a M., your priority is taking care of YOU so you can take care of your kids. You can not solve her problems for her. Only she can do that.
If you do get together, meet at the park or an indoor playground. Focus on the kids or walking the track. Encourage her to join Mops and to visit library time. It is too hard to be someone's only support. You will burn out.
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E.D.
answers from
Seattle
on
I highly recommend the book "Codependent No More". Perhaps she would get relief from it as well?
As to your question, I suggest you keep on doin' what you are doin'. Love her, listen, and ask her if she's looking to be heard or hear advice. Sometimes our friends just need to vent. I think we can want to fix their issues/help them fix their problems because it's hard to see someone we love in pain. But sometimes life just feels hard and it really helps to just be heard.
Hugs to both of you. It's sounds like you are a really good friend.
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L.P.
answers from
Pittsfield
on
I think the depression probably makes her feel overwhelmed and powerless to create any real change in her life. It would be a good idea for her to talk to her OBGYN about her depression- she would likely benefit from an anti-depressant. I had horrible post-partum depression after each of my children was born, and the medication really does make a difference.
Once the depression is under control, she may feel motivated to lose weight and have the self-esteem to make important changes in her life.
I also agree that counseling would be a great idea, if it is at all possible- preferably with some one who specializes in eating disorders.
I agree with everyone that professional help would benefit her, but you can't do that for her. You can suggest it, but then it's in her hands.
What worked wonders for me was having a friend that I could exercise with. I had weight issues, she had post-partum issues. After our babies were born and we were cleared for exercise, we started meeting at the park with the strollers and walking. You are more inclined to get there if you are meeting someone. We walked and talked and cried some, (walking seems to make the tears go away a lot faster than sitting on the couch crying) got fresh air and cleared our minds. We both felt better after the walk. After a few months, we started jogging and then the weight really came off. We also found lots of new parks and new trails. I know you won't be able to fix her problems, but if you're up for a nice brisk walk, give it a try for her.
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C.M.
answers from
Bismarck
on
AlAnon or CoDA and tell her to go to at least 8 meetings. CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER FOR THE BETTER!!!
Thank you for being her friend and caring about her!
