Co-sleeping - Jamaica,NY

I know there are many advocates of co-sleeping. I am not one of them. I think it is important that children learn to be self-sufficient when it comes to sleep. My daughter is extremely attached to me as it is, and we never co-slept. And by three, children should be able to sleep alone and start developing a sense of independence. I also think it's important for the well-being of children to cultivate the relationship of the parents and the independence of the parents. Hard to do that with children ever-present. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy! I think a lot of parents are the ones with separation anxiety and an unhealthy co-dependence on their children.

I am writing this as a former, no-regrets co-sleeper.

First, co-sleeping is great until it isn't. I always believed in Dr. Sears statement "If it's not working for someone, it's not working." That is to say, if it's not working for you, you do have permission to stop. There, now you have it. It will not make you any less attached to your child. It will improve both your relationships because you are going to get your son on his new 'right track' in two ways.

First, you are going to teach your son how to fall asleep independently. I think that's the reason he's going to sleep at 11, right? It's because you are too. It's extremely important to address this with great resolve. I've known a family who couldn't bear to disappoint their young'un and so she was still only sleeping when they did at five. Please believe me, you do NOT want that scenario. Even when my son was wee little, by the time he was about 5 or 6 months, he had a set bedtime every single night. Kids need routines. I'd nurse him to sleep at 8 or so and then once he was asleep, I'd get up again and do my own things until 10, when I usually go to bed.

Next, we moved our son out of our bed around this age. We set up a futon on our bedroom floor (as it was on a separate floor from his room) and I moved our bedtime routine to that futon. The futon was a full-sized one, so when he needed help at night, he never came back into our bed. Establishing this boundary was important. We were *done* having him in our bed. We were happy to help him in his bed. I stopped nursing at this time as well, so I'd lay next to him for a bit. I believe that when we change things, addressing one issue at a time is important. So, we moved to the futon, then shortly after this, we established the new no-nursing routine.

I will say, when he was four and we moved him to his own bed-- this was when we all started getting much better sleep. I did the 'camp out in the hallway and walk him back to bed' thing for a couple of nights. This worked. He also has a full-sized futon in his room, so that any nightmares/illnesses are tended in his room, the parent sleeping in his bed instead of him sleeping in ours. He's six now and a great sleeper for the most part. I do believe routine plays a big part in this. We do our bedtime routine at the same time most nights (unless there's something special going on-- we are not so rigid we don't have fun).

If you can get the toddler near you but not in the bed, that will help. If he has a room, you may also want to try to get him a super duper cool bed to get him to try sleeping in there. It worked with our oldest, though he was about 4 at the time.

Co-sleeping can be wonderful, but I agree that it can also be exhausting. I don't have any good sleepers. My oldest was in our bed until about age 4, our middle son until 2, our youngest until about 18 months. I'm sure you seethe pattern! NOTHING is more important to your kids than that you not be exhausted!

As for putting him to bed, start a ritual...bath, cuddles, story time, lights out. Good luck!

We have kids in bed with us almost every night. I don't think it's a problem, I find it comforting and nice. I miss the kids when they're not in there.

If you go to bed the kids go to bed. Turn out the lights, turn off the TV, turn off the night lights, etc...if you go to bed they go to bed.

If you aren't working they don't have to get up at a certain time, if you do work then you need to go to bed before 11 too.

When my dd got too used to sleeping in my bed, I started sleeping in hers with her instead. I slept in hers for a couple of nights, then I started leaving once she fell asleep, then would leave as she was falling asleep, then after tucking her in. The whole process took a few weeks, but it worked for us.

Good luck with whatever you decide to go with. :)

I'm a huge fan of co-sleeping, but as someone else pointed out, if it's no longer working, time for a change!

I moved our son out of our bed at age 2 (husband insisted, I wanted to keep him there till he was 5). I moved our daughter at age 1 (wow husband is right, having the bed to yourself really is great). I just started nursing her to sleep on the mattress at the foot of my son's bed (he was 5 at the time). So she got used to her own bed early. It's not too late for your son.

TRANSITIONING
Give him a new room and his own twin bed (or full whatever works). Start putting him to bed there, not your bed. I would still lie with him to sleep, so it's not a huge change, but a transition.

My daughter (9) still likes me to cuddle with her before she conks out.

WHAT TO DO IF HE WAKES UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND COMES TO YOUR BED
This is easy. No words, no arguing, no debating. Walk him quietly back to his bed and crawl in with him. Both of you conk out. This makes him feel VERY safe in his bed and his room. It makes his bed the place to be. You want him to associate his bed with love and safety (and take the focus off your bed.) If he gets up due to a nightmare, he'll want to snuggle anyway. My daughter is not allowed to sleep in our bed, but if I'm too brain dead and she's too scared, I let her in. That is rare.

GETTING HIM TO SLEEP EARLIER
This is the very tricky part. My kids have always gone to bed between 8-9. I envied parents who got their kids on a 7:30 pm bedtime. Their kids wake up early.

Kids really need more sleep. It affects their behavior and learning.

7 o'clock bedtime - I wish I read this book years ago.
http://www.amazon.com/The-OClock-Bedtime-healthy-playful/...

I know a woman whose 2 daughters (9 & 8) sleep at this time (7:30-8) and they never get sick. Immune system is also made stronger by rest and a good diet.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka wrote a great book
SLEEPLESS IN AMERICA: Is your child misbehaving or missing sleep?
http://www.amazon.com/Sleepless-America-Child-Misbehaving...

So as the parent of a 13 yr old boy who wants to stay up till 11pm and can't wake up in the morning, I beg you, fix this now while you still can. :)

You will find many opinions here... and they are just that... opinions.

The thing to remember is if it WORKS for you, then that is fine.... if it no longer works, then maybe you need to change it. Some people sleep just fine in that situation, but it appears that you do not.

I personally don't agree with co-sleeping, but that is just my opinion. We never did it, so we didn't have to break the habit.

Just understand that he is not going to like the change, and it will be difficult to change his pattern of behavior.

Maybe start out with him sleeping in another room..... you may have to sit in there with him for several nights as he is used to sleeping right next to you. Gradually move farther away over a period of time.

I'm sure there will be plenty of suggestions on how to do this.

Good luck!

Get him a sleeping bag or nap mat and have him start sleeping next to your bed.
We all use to go to bed at the same time (8 or 9) and then we'd wake up earlier than our son.

The most important thing is that everyone is sleeping well. My son is 5 and he still wakes up during the night sometimes. For us, the best solution is putting him into his bed while I stay with him and then going to sleep in my own room. He is now old enough to come into our bed at any point in the night be when he was much younger, like your kids, I would nurse them back to sleep in their own room or if it was close to morning, just bring them to my bed for the next few hours.