I'll try to make this brief. My husband and his two sisters have never been close, but we usually manage to get together with them and my MIL & FIL on holidays. My dear FIL passed away in early November after a long battle with cancer (side note - my husband and I provided emotional support, extensive visits, meals, errands & were involved in planning all the services. My SILs were of almost no help and weren't even there with their father when he passed even though we all got a 48 hour warning. One sis lives within 10 minutes drive and the other within an hour).
So I offered to host Christmas day dinner for my husband's whole family (11 total). I also invited my single sister so she wouldn't be alone. I have a back issue so I spread the work over the last two weeks - grocery shopping, cleaning, decorating and preparing what I believe was a delicious meal from scratch (I am an accomplished cook) for everyone. I spent 7 hours cooking on Christmas Eve and really couldn't enjoy the gathering of MY family because I was so exhausted. I should also mention that my husband and I are very involved in our church and we have many responsibilities there including Christmas morning services which required us to be there from 10 am until 11:30 am on Christmas morning. Dinner time was set for 1 PM which is the norm in our family. Just before the company arrived, I made a blanket statement to my sister, MIL and our young daughter that the food was nearly ready and I planned to serve dinner as soon as everyone arrived so the food would be just right. I specifically said that after dinner, we would open gifts and then serve dessert after that. As soon as everyone arrived, my MIL started giving out gifts which were promptly opened by all. I missed the entire exchange - only running into the room briefly to distribute the gifts I had for everyone. I wasn't able to stay to watch anyone open anything because I was preparing the food. I was a little annoyed, but said nothing. I should also mention that we don't have little kids. My daughter and her cousin are the youngest at 11 and the others are age 18 and up to 24. My daughter would have been happy to wait until after dinner to open gifts.
Immediately after dinner, fully half of the gathering went out to have a smoke. I finally sat down and had something to eat at about the time everyone was going outside. I cleaned up the table with no help - none was offered. I was still OK at this point. I had used pretty disposable tablewear so I'd have time to enjoy the company which is totally acceptable in our family. As I was cleaning up quickly, everyone returned from their smoke break and started putting out the desserts which had been sitting on a side table in my dining room. I saw what was going on and I said - oh, I'm still cleaning up and I haven't put the coffee on yet - to which several people replied - that's OK, we don't want coffee. I had dessert plates, cups, napkins etc. all ready ahead of time so I could quickly set the table nicely for dessert had I had perhaps 10 minutes to catch my breath. I pointed this out to my husband who I expected would try to let everyone know that dessert would be served shortly. Instead, he just said nothing and the locusts decended without my even being at the table. Nobody seemed to care that I wasn't present for dinner or dessert.
The entire Christmas gathering started at 1 PM and all company was gone within 3 hours. I am an accomplished entertainer and have hosted many holidays and dinners. I am well organized and have no trouble getting a meal on the table without keeping people waiting except in between dinner and dessert so that I can reset the table. I do not drag things out so that they become an all day affair. I never rush anyone and encourage people to linger and visit after dessert if they so choose.
I couldn't help but feel a little disrespected and dare I say - violated on this occasion. I worked really hard to produce a lovely day and I feel as if everyone treated me like the hired help.
So my question is - am I over reacting or is this some kind of normal thing I just don't know about. I'm not so much annoyed at my husband's family as their manners aren't the best, but I expected my husband to speak up for me, "the cook" and at the very least make sure I was present for some of the meal. Please be honest.
This happened to me over and over with my husband's family until I finally got smart and stopped inviting them.
It sounds like you had planned a wonderful dinner. Let me tell you, if you and I were family, I would have appreciated what you had done very much. Not everyone is the same way though and, as frustrating as it may be, you can't let it get to you.
After my mom passed away last year, my four brothers, sister and I all had very different expectations of how to plan her memorial service. Since I had been taking care of my mom during the last seven years of her life, I was much closer to her so it was really important to me to do something really special to honor her in some way. I was thinking maybe, after the memorial service, we could all go out to a nice lunch at a nearby restaurant or possibly set up an informal luncheon at a park that our mom used to take us to for picnics when we were little. The rest of my family had something a lot more casual and less meaningful in mind. Luckily my husband was there to remind me that, when a family member dies, tensions tend to run pretty high and people can say and do funny things and that sometimes it is better to go with the flow and commemorate your relative in your own way later on if that's what you have to do to have peace in the family.
What you described doesn't sound very nice or very courteous to you but, given your FIL's recent passing, it very possible that some of your family members are still experiencing a lot of grief that is making them be somewhat more out of it than they usually would be, and still very sad and depressed about his passing. You do have a right to your feelings but I think that at this time, maybe you can give them a little bit of a break and just chalk it up to your recent loss.
I do want to say though that all the effort that you went to for your family may not always be appreciated by everyone, grief or no grief. Some people, like my siblings, are a lot more casual and just have different expectations about how things should be done like you and I would have expected.
I am really sorry for your loss and that Christmas didn't turn out as well as you had expected. Wishing you a very happy new year.
I think your MIL should have waited to do gifts until after dinner but as far as dinner, it sounds like you wanted everyone to act more like guests at one of your dinner parties rather than family at a family Christmas dinner. After reading you say you are prepared for two weeks, cooked for 7 hours the day before, are an accomplished cook, an accomplished entertainer and have hosted many holidays and dinners, I’m left wondering what the heck you were doing that you couldn’t be at the dinner table with everyone else? You should have had everything done with all of the preparing and cooking you did ahead of time. As far as dessert, if you didn’t want everyone to think it was ok to get dessert when they wanted, don’t set it out on a table along with the plates, napkins and cups. I would assume that meant to get it when you were ready for it.
I would be more upset with your sister than anyone else that she didn’t offer to help you out and clean up. She’s known you the longest and should know how you are and your expectations.
Wow - your party sounds absolutely lovely - I wish I had been that organized with mine!
IMHO your problem is somewhat with your husband. He really should have insisted that everyone adhere to "the plan" (nicely but firmly). Your schedule sounded completely reasonable to me. I could understand it more if everyhing was disorganized and chaotic - it just doesn't sound that way though.
If it were me I would tell my husband my issues with the party and I would let him know that I won't be doing it again unless he is willing to (nicely) direct his family a bit more clearly. He is the man of the home - it is certainly his place to do so (of course graciously).
Hang in there - at least you made the effort.
Dearest Cooking Mom,
I hear that you really wanted things to go your way and instead they just went. As a wedding professional, I enjoy a well planned event, however, as I see in many weddings, some people are just not as well versed.
I can say, I love for things to move smoothly when I am shooting. I love to say, "Next party" and the Bride's family move out and the Groom's family move in, however, it doesn't happen too often. I often find myself asking people to wait in the area, let them know I will be right with them to take their photo even though they are not part of the wedding, fetching a wedding party member, take a photo of my set up with their camera while in the middle of formals, and then, be called names for trying to be "organized" or pushy, I guess it depends on which side of the coin you are on. So I take it as a treat when people know the ropes of a wedding and it all runs smooth.
With that said, my husbands family eat from each others plates, double dips, ask for a bite of what you have and so on. Well, all of that is not on my list, but I know when I am with them it is going to happen and even if I am hosting, they are still going to do it. And, no my husband wouldn't ask them to act any different.
As for the gift exchange, perhaps your MIL was having a hard time with the recent death of her husband (even if it appears they may not get along) and absent mindedly exchanged gifts to make some joy out of her day. As the host, sometimes you miss these things. That is the very reason I do not host my daughters parties. I am exhausted, I am busy, and am unable to mingle and enjoy.
So, I hear ya...you wanted everything to be well organized and planned, but not everyone is like that, so no you are not being silly, but you have to let that go.
I suggest that you'll be happier if you can be more assertive and not expect anyone else to take care of you. Holidays are especially stressful and I suggest that your husband didn't know how to back you up. For example: Next time tell him to go out and tell everyone to go sit down in the living room; that you'll call them when you're ready to serve dessert. Be direct in a firm but still friendly voice. And tell them exactly what to do instead of what not to do.
When they're opening gifts and you didn't want to why did you still bring your gifts out. Instead, when you realize what they're doing, you say, we're doing this later. And then ask a couple of people to do something towards getting dinner on the table.
I used to have similar situations with my family and sometimes my friends. I felt like they ran right over the top of me. Then, with counseling, I realized that I'm the only person responsible for my happiness; that others make assumptions based on what they think they hear but which obviously wasn't what I meant and it was up to me to correct the misunderstanding by being loud, firm, and friendly all at the same time.
I suggest your husband was feeling the same way you were; overwhelmed and things had gotten out of both of yours control.
In our family no one eats until we say grace and we don't say grace until the hostess is sitting down. It's a matter of educating people. Take a few minutes when they first arrive and repeat as necessary what your expectations are.
Also be able to be somewhat flexible. Smokers nearly always go out for a smoke after dinner. Good to take that time to catch your breath. But don't try to do it all by yourself. Ask others to help you clear the table. Tell them what you want them to do so that they don't just start doing what they think needs to be done.
Take care of yourself. I suggest you planned and did too much. Perhaps have a simpler menu or enlist help in preparing food. Perhaps have dinner later so that you have breathing room in between church and guests arriving. Plan the dinner in a way that doesn't put you in the kitchen instead of out with your guests. And definitely do not let them eat without you. You have to be assertive and let them know, tho. They just assume that this is what you planned.
This is your first time doing the whole family thing. You've learned a lot and it will go better next time. Go thru the planning and execution step by step and decide what you can do differently to get the result you want. Having the family for a holiday dinner is a lot of work. I suggest, that unless the guests have hosted a dinner they don't appreciate what you've done. Brag on yourself. Tell you husband what to say so he can brag on you too.
I suggest that because of your inexperience and lack of speaking up they treated you the way they did, not from lack of respect but from ignorance. Pat yourself on the back and move on. You really did good to put on a fantastic meal for your family! Next year, do it again knowing more after this experience, or let someone else carry the tradition. Talk about it ahead of time. Enlist help or give help to the one who volunteers. And always speak up for yourself. It's rare that anyone else will, especially when everyone is feeling stressed/anxious because it's The Holiday.
I reread your post and have an added comment about your sil's poor behavior surrounding the death of their father. I suggest that some of your anger surrounding the dinner is intensified by your anger with them for leaving the hard work for you and their brother to do with your fil. I understand your anger and would be angry too.
The whole tone of your dinner was set by the holiday and probably more importantly by the death of your fil. I suggest his sisters have unresolved issues; perhaps even guilt and that combined with normal grieving would make them unaware of anyone else's feelings. Same with the mil. She may have started the opening gifts because having people there was awkward and she needed to fill the time with something before dinner was ready.
Perhaps if you can find it within your heart to think about each of your guests position and possible ways of thinking and acting you will feel less anger. They were not kind to you but you can be kind to yourself. I've found that when I can put myself in the other person's shoes I feel better about myself and lose much of the anger I have with them.
This was a difficult dinner under difficult circumstances. Next year will be different. Kudos to you for taking on the dinner and being the hostess.
I'm so sorry they treated you with such disrespect. From what you shared, I am shocked by how they acted. They all were rude and inconsiderate. Perhaps your husband felt unsure about how to respond. He was probably torn between not offending you and not offending them. Yes, he should have stood up for you. That takes great moral courage to do so to his own family. Perhaps you can cover that shortcoming with the love you have for him, and talk about it gently to him, asking him to stand up for you in the future. Men often have no idea what we need unless we are very specific to them. They don't understand why we don't just say what we want and be blunt and frank about it. He may be totally oblivious. And, his family obviously has no manners. Sorry about that!
Hi CookingMom,
I completely understand where you are coming from! It seemed like no one gave a damn about you, nor cared if you were part of the gift exchange! That would make me mad b/c it's my house! Your MIL started this - she knew what order you wanted to do it in but didn't care. The moment everyone was there, she started the gift exchange right after you announced the order in which you wanted it done. It doesn't seem like your MIL likes you too much - or, she is just rude and clueless and will do things her own way regardless what anyone else says. These can't be the classiest people, since they are smokers. Yuck! I agree with you that your husband should have spoken up for you and supported you. He was probably just busy talking with everyone and probably didn't know just how upset you were. You should have a talk w/ your husband and tell him how upset/hurt/disappointed you were and why.
With all of that said, there is an easy fix - DON'T EVER HOST A HOLIDAY MEAL EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! At least not for these people!!! Do it for your side of the family, or for friends, but NEVER do it for your husband's side ever again! Now that you know that they don't respect you, if you ever host for them again, you will be an enabler. Knowledge is everything, and after your unfortunate experience with them, you know what they are like and that they don't listen to you or respect you. Don't forget your newfound knowledge about your husband's side and don't ever host for those ingrates ever again! Explain to your husband why you won't host for them again and explain to your husband that next Christmas will be very different and that you will not slave away in the kitchen cooking for them every again. I am sorry about your lousy experience, but this will never happen again (you have the power not to let this happen again), so feel good knowing that! All the best!
You volunteered to have them over .... something that wasnt normal for them so they didnt know how to act (and you really didnt know what to expect either). Were they the rudest guests ever Sure does sound like it. Will you host Christmad dinner again? I would guess not. Here's what will happen tho. Hubs family is going to start talking about how great it really all was and will finally tell you so, and will probably want you to do it again. what will you do? (once you get your ego stroked you might fall into the trap again)
Husband should have stepped up to the plate and should have been a better assistant host for you... but it was his first time too and he probably just didnt know how to run security for you this time around. This would be the time you sit and discuss all of the goings on and let him know what you would want him to do next time (if there is a next time). For a couple to pull off hosting a dinner party together and doing everything each other needs for support and to keep it all running smoothly takes a few practices.
You made me hungry talking about what a great cook you are.. send me some leftovers :)
People can only take advantage of you if you let them and it sounds like you really did-sorry. When they started opening the gifts you needed to come in and say LOUDLY and in no uncertain terms that sorry it was NOT time to open gifts yet because it was time to eat. You need to be forceful and direct...no wishy washy soft voice-loud and commanding. And if they proceeded to do it anyhow then become a little confrontational to the offender. You don't have to do this in a bad way but just- hey MIL do you mind coming on in so that we can eat. and when she says that she wants to open gist instead you need only say there will be time for that after dinner-we really have to eat now or the food will be cold. sorry.
And as for helping to clean---SHAME on your group for not pitching in. Really disrespectful. I would have a major talk with my husband about this. And if it happens again your husband is to know without at doubt that HE is to jump in and do the cleaning. period.
And as for the desserts....again you need to be assertive. I would have physically went over to the table and said half jokiingly "No, no, no-not now guys....we are going to wait until we clear up. And it can go a lot faster if everyone takes a plate!"
As far as being assertive...not sure how old you are. I have found I have become much more able to stand up for myself as I have gotten older. I am 44 now and pretty much do not take it from anyone whereas I used to let people walk all over me.
Don't do any hosting of any dinners/events ever again. For them.
No matter what and not matter how 'casual' some family functions may be.... I think that they were ALL very, rude. Obnoxious. Disrespectful. I would have been real irked. They disregarded, completely, the 'hosts' home and any sort of manners about how to be 'guests.' They descended like locusts and left, all within 3 hours.
AND your Husband... did nothing....
AND not one person.... even helped you or offered a hand with anything.
You were an invisible food server.
In MOST families no matter what culture.... invited guests... family or not... at least help in the kitchen or with SOMETHING... and show respect for the Host and her home. Not just swarm in, and leave.
I would not host, any events/meals... for that family again. Have your OWN family over. Or just friends. I am sure you will get treated better that way.
Your intentions for all of this and hosting dinner for your In-laws... was very thoughtful... especially since your FIL's own daughters couldn't even see him before he passed nor made effort to.
Anyway... don't go out on a limb... for them again.
They take you for granted, did not appreciate anything, took over your home and showed you no respect nor even the most basic manners.
I would also, tell your Husband... and/or show him these responses to your post.
Sure, they are probably grieving... but that does NOT mean, manners are ignored. Nor that it is okay to dis the host of a FAMILY gathering.
What did your Sister think? Did she think they are all a bunch of rude locusts too?
Sorry, I am a bit in an irked mood myself, since over the holidays I got treated with disregard as well, from my family. They all seem to take everything I do, for granted.... and it feels very.... disrespected to put it lightly.
No, you are not over-reacting.
All the best,
Susan
I feel bad for you:( I do not think you are over reacting...your husband's family sounds like a bunch of losers (sorry, but I'm being honest). They were inconsiderate and probably totally oblivious. I suggest the next time you are in position to host a gathering with them...have it at a restaurant or have it catered. At least that way, you'll be able to enjoy it and not be so stressed out.
You need to talk with your husband about your feelings and about him standing up for you, and if I were you that would be the last holiday I hosted.
Dear Cooking mom-
Not sure where in NJ you actually are...but judging from the snow #'s I have seen posted for parts of NJ, I would feel VERY blessed that you were at least able to 'get them IN and OUT' before you were perhaps stuck with them in the snow!!
Sounds to me that you were a gracious hostess.
The phrase "Don't cast your pearls before swine" springs to mind...
Take time for yourself for a few days if possible...talk to hubby...make other plans for the NEXT holiday.
Take Care
michele/cat
I haven't read any other responses yet. No, I do not think you are over-reacting. But having said that, what's done is done. I think you should voice your feelings to your husband so if you EVER need his support again he knows to speak up for you! But other than that - I wouldn't offer to host Christmas again. lol
I haven't read the other responses, but here's my take. Your husband's family doesn't know how to read social cues. Ok. So if you are nice enough to host them again, they need the cues and ground rules spelled out for them. For instance, they all arrive, you direct them as to where to put coats/purses, then give the first cue: "Ok, everyone, first we'll start with dinner, then dessert/coffee will be served, then we'll begin the gift exchange." Even though you may have mentioned before the event that you would serve dinner immediately upon arrival, they obviously needed reminding. And next time they begin taking over the layout of the evening, reel them back in: "Ohhhh no, we're actually opening presents after dinner and dessert ... let's put those under the tree for later." And redirect them back to the dinner table. I don't know what you can say regarding clean-up help, other than being direct: "Can anyone pitch in and help clear me clear the table so that we can move on to desserts?" Some people don't help unless specifically asked, unfortunately.
And yes, your husband should have had your back on all of this, as well. So next time, run through the arrangements with him right before they arrive and he can help keep things on track, too.
I think it's very kind and very giving of you to offer your time, effort, planning and culinary gifts to put together a special day for them, esp. after the loss of their father. Sounds like there is some selfishness going on there with the sisters, for sure. And yes, they're lacking in manners. But you have control over what happens in your house and when. You lay the groundrules and you may need to remind and reinforce with them. Or your husband. Sounds like you put on a lovely spread for some very unappreciative people.
Don't be hurt about their behavior. Assume they didn't mean to be malicious -- That they are just a tad bit socially clueless. Or that they felt sooooo comfortable at your house (which must mean you are a great hostess) that they just really let themselves go.
But next year, do not play hostess to this group. Hold your event as you want it (church - lunch - gifts - desserts) and invite people you know will appreciate your plans. Then, either swing by your MIL's house much later in the day to exchange gifts or only invite that pack over for the dessert portion of the day. If they ask why they were not invited for the whole day don't be rude or act like a martyr. Simply say, "Well, you know...Last year didn't go exactly as I planned. I missed the gift opening and no one pitched in with the dishes. Since it seemed like our families have different holiday traditions, I thought it would be best to hold our gatherings separately this year. If coming over here for lunch and gifts is something you want to try again next year, my DH and I would be happy to host."
And BTW -- The people to be most irritated with are your DH and children. They have NO excuse for not helping with the dishes.
You sound so much like my own sister in law, who hosts a lovely Christmas Eve dinner for her husband's side of the family every year - she is an accomplished cook, sets a beautiful table, expects everything to run smoothly, and puts a tremendous amount of time and effort into getting things "just right". The only difference between our situation and yours, it seems, is that we love and appreciate her for it! She, being the hostess, sets the tone and schedule for the evening, and we, being the guests, follow her lead. Usually this means that we have a very long "cocktail and hors d'oeuvres" hour, followed by a LATE dinner, then gift opening and dessert. Sometimes we do not finish this whole process until midnight. While it certainly wouldn't be my preference to eat so late in the evening, we try to go with the flow because it is always apparent that she has worked for days to get everything together. That is what a good and polite guest does! I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not overreacting - you have every right to be miffed that things did not go according to your plan. And yes, your husband should have said something to his family from the get-go about how the days events were expected to proceed. You did your best (actually it sounds like you went above and beyond), and now that you know this is how it is with your husband's family, just chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. Focus your efforts and hostessing skills on people who will actually appreciate them!
Upset? Yes! Avoidable? Yes! Next time, make the turkey or ham, have everyone make a side dish, put everything including dessert out and let the hogs feed at the trough. You miss nothing, everyone eats what and when they want, and most importantly, you don't miss the gifts!
Next year let one of your self centered sisters in law hold the party. Just go as a guest or invite your sister and everyone you want to your house.
There is no need to be the waitress and chef for a bunch of people who totally ignore your wishes.
You did extremely well with your FIL. For Sunday dinners etc. just invite your MIL.
What did your say your SIL's were named Anastasia and Druzelda?
It sounds like you and your husband (and his family of origin) have very different ideas about how this day goes. If your husband KNOWS what you want, he should stand up for you. But he doesn't know if you just assumed everyone does Christmas as you do. If you didn't tell him, you need to talk to him. Ask how it was when he was a kid. Let him know how you like it.
And if YOUR family likes it YOUR way, then host YOUR family. Someone from his side can host his. Then....the whole issues goes away in the future.
I have always described the way my Mom's family celebrates Christmas as a "hootenanny." It's fun but not really what I want on Christmas - I want to SEE my kids open gifts, let them have time to play, sit down at some point to eat - maybe have a few friends over for the meal. I keep the meal easy (canned biscuits, ham, roasted veggies, sweets others have given us). I always want to attend church on Christmas Eve which no one in my family of origin or my husband's does and have a very simple meal (we have stone soup) on that night. All are welcome to drive or fly the 2000 miles and join us....for our "new" traditions. I am ALWAYS happy with how that day goes! : )
Come up with a plan that works for you and your husband. And then if he still celebrates like he did this year, it's a problem.
GOOD LUCK!
I think that you tried really hard to have a Norman Rockwell feel to your Christmas and it didn't end up that way. I think the effort you put in was amazing, and should have been more appreciated than it obviously was. And I think that your husband should have been the one to say "Hey, lets wait for everyone to sit down before we start eating", or "Let's wait until Mom sits down to say grace before we dig in", and I also think that he should have said "Hey guys, we're gonna wait on presents until after dinner". I'm sure everyone would have been fine with that.
However, I think that sometimes, especially on Christmas, you have to be flexible. You had a pretty strict schedule (Church till 11:30, dinner at 1:00, presents, then desert). Sometimes you just have to let go and say, oh well, the green beans will have to be warmed up again because everyone wants to open gifts early. As the mom of the house that Christmas was being held at, you should be there when gifts are opened. That means they should have waited for you, and you should have said to heck with the food, I'm going to enjoy watching everyone open gifts. The same with dinner. People can serve themselves. Sit down and enjoy some good conversation! As for the desert, I would assume if it's out, it's ok to eat it, which is apparently what everyone else assumed. There is nothing wrong with saying, "Ok, guys, I'll rinse, can I get some help loading the dishwasher?" Just speak up!
I do think it was crappy that nobody waited for you, and that your husband didn't say anything, but I would just be more flexible next year!
The best made plans of mice and men (think that's how it goes). Does not
always work the way we want. If it upset you, why didn't you just stop the
gift opening right then an there. . I. think you need to try to be a bit more
flexible. If it was me, I would have left the kitchen and joined in. Dinner
could wait a few minutes. It is the family interaction and fun that is important; the dinner was not going anywhere. So it is a few minutes late.
Life is too short to get upset about these things. Just try to enjoy.
I can understand why you are feeling hurt. I think, at the right time, it would be appropriate to sit down with your husband and to share your feelings with him. I hope that he will be receptive. Sometimes it helps to voice your feelings so that you can make peace with them and move forward. You may also want to try and do things differently next time. Maybe next time you shouldn't host at all. It sounds like his family members are not very helpful. Unless you can speak up and be direct about what your needs and expectations are, it might be better to attend Christmas at another home.
I would stay focused on why you decided to host Christmas in the first place. You wanted to take the pressure off of the family during a very sad time and that deserves to be commended.
All families have their way of doing dinners, holidays, etc. and most times it does not follow what we have in our mind as a fun, relaxing and organized event (especially the entertaining type). I am positive none of these people even gave a thought to the fact that you might be upset, especially since you indicated that you remained graceful even during the adversity. They probably never once even noticed tension because you covered it up to keep a nice day.
I also think being too upset with your husband may be a waste of your energy. Just remember that he grew up with these people and probably fell right back into line when all the chaos began, it probably felt quite normal to him. By everyone going with the flow, he just went with the flow too not even noticing what was going on. Now, was he somewhat of a jerk to let you get shafted like that? "YES." He is married to you and should have noticed, but he is a man and this is not their strong suit, they don't think like women. I would be more upset that he wasn't in the kitchen helping me rather than him controlling his crazy family. Believe me, if he had been helping you more he would have seen the craziness and probably put them in line.
All that being said, I would just take into account what and who you are dealing with next time. You can choose to not host next time or set up a buffet-type dinner at the next event and let your accomplished entertaining skills become a free-for-all. When it is all said and done, ask for help cleaning up, there is no shame in that. = )
Good luck next time.
I have similiar problem at times where people show just before dinner time, start handing out gifts while I am trying to finish up the food. I miss the opening of presents and it really ticks me off. This year when my mom showed up, I stopped what I was doing and opened presents with everyone...dinner was late but hey...that is what happens if they want to open presents when they arrive.
Sounds like you planned a more formal event than what your guests thought they were attending. Yes, you MIL should have not started handing out the gifts but when she did, you should have said "Mom, we're not opening gifts until after we eat because the food is ready and I want to enjoy the gift opening too". That would have let the others (who didn't hear your blanket statement) know your intent. Then you could have said (at the end of dinner) that after we open gifts, I will set the table for dessert.
I am not saying it was your fault but if the guests didn't know your intent then it wasn't all their fault....just a misunderstanding. Also, they may have figured they were doing it the way the normally do which appears to be less formal than you intended.
Hmm...I can sort of see both sides here. I think that perhaps YOUR expectations/wants were different than theirs. It sounds like you were expecting a very formal sit down dinner. Is that the norm for them? I know it's not for my family and we would all be very thrown off. Perhaps they behaved as they always do? I admire the fact that you put so much effort into your Christmas dinner. I could never do that! We're much simpler, I guess. We like to eat when we're hungry, open presents when we see fit, and have dessert whenever. Sometimes we even eat dessert first :) But, that's just the type of family we are. I'm just wondering if maybe you were trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.
If you decide to host next year, lower your expectations.
You're not over-reacting. However, I imagine you may have learned a valuable lesson. You are accomplished in many areas, and you are focused and competent. You made a lot of effort to make an event,
an occasion, and you had anticipated the other people would respect
your structure and arrangements, and that they would help you
make the event successful.
That they did not may be because of
1) they're rude, or
2) they're ignorant, or
3) they don't respect you or your intentions, or
4) they were simply doing what they're used to.
Any of those <or>s can be <and>s, of course.
I'm guessing that they either didn't hear, or didn't understand,
your requests for sequence or structure or order.
So, ideally, this was an opportunity to learn
that the kind of organizing and structure that you appreciate creating
may be wasted on these people and should be reserved in the future
for people who recognize and appreciate your ability
to create this kind of event.
About your husband . . . . that's a whole nother story.
He's from their tribe. Re-read my list.
So, (forgive me), he's somewhere in that list.
Which, I believe if you were to ask him, he would NOT see
as letting you down. He would simply see it as "normal" behavior.
At least they went OUT to smoke.
Whew.
I would feel the same way you did. As an objective outisder... I wonder if they understood the plan or were being rude. If in their family, they don't really do formal dinners, or have a schedule etc, they may not have meant to offend - just do what they do. Doesn't make it right, but it makes it less personal. In the future (if you do this again) find a way to set expectations. It's your house, your dinner, your schedule... just be sure expectations are clear. THEN if they don't pay you appropriate consideration - I'd not do it again - or just do dessert and presents... casual. The one problem I still have even in the situation of giving them the benefit of the doubt is that they didn't offer to help clean up after dinner - no matter your family traditions - that's just rude!
No, you're not being silly at all. They way I see it, it was hubby's responsibility to step up to the plate. If his family has a tradition of opening gifts before dinner, he should have told you this well in advance. If he new what your plans were, he should have spoke up.
I don't understand why you didn't eat dinner with your family. This is completely unacceptable.
As far as clean up, that's also one of those it depends type of things. Some people prefer not to have anyone in the kitchen, or maybe just one or two, otherwise it takes too long to clean up because everyone is just getting in each others way.
As far as dessert, I would be annoyed but not mad. They were just being rude, and since everything was set up maybe they assumed it was a serve yourself type of situation.
Do your best to put it behind you and keep peace in the family. Look forward to next year, when someone else can do all the work and you can just sit back and put your feet up.
You are not being silly! There is so much work to preparing a meal for that many people and I think it's usually under-appreciated at the holidays because the main event is the holiday and not the meal...but somebody still has to work really, really hard to make the meal! The guests should have followed your lead as far as when to open gifts. You should have been at the table for the meal and they should have been very concerned that you weren't! And you really, really should have had clean up help - that bugs me the most, that would be unheard of with either my family or his family! Like some of the other moms, I don't blame them as much for the desserts as they were sitting out and his family might just be more casual about their gatherings. Here's what I would do. I wouldn't feel like I never wanted to do it again because the truth is I love to cook and I love to host. I would just make adjustments for the next time. I don't have any one special meal for Christmas because I try a different menu and a different way of serving every year. I've done sit down dinners, appetizers only, soup bars, taco bars, buffets, make your own pizza's. I have learned that whatever I do is hard work but for me the game is in the quest. Some things work with my family and not with his family. Some things become a staple because they worked so well. Some things I say whoa - never again. But I make the game about the food and all the alternatives to serving, not about the people because the truth is I never want to give up hosting - I love it - and every one knows my 'quest' so I can fairly openly vent which helps to blow off steam. So for example, in your case, I would have just said I guess I won't try a sit down dinner again because Gramma can't resist giving out her gifts before dinner or I would say next year, maybe I'll just do a dessert bar because you guys are ready to bounce after your smoke! It's funny when every one knows you're questing because you can be very open (good naturedly). And you will have people that say oh no, I want the beef tenderloin again and you can say, okay, then it's your job to clean the roaster so I don't miss the gifts. If you are interested in trying it again, and I think maybe you are because you're an accomplished cook and hostess, then try this trick with them and you'll get them more involved in the process.
To answer your question- Yes, it seems pretty normal. I had family over for Christmas lunch, which I cooked and kept very simple. I didn't even get out of my pajama pants. My SIL joked that next year she'll be wearing hers too! My thoughts are if they don't like the way it goes down, then someone else can host lunch next time. No one wants to do that, so they are happy as a lark to come over to my wreck of a house on Christmas Day (I am the only one with two small children), get harassed by my two kids, and eat a good, hearty meal. They usually are gone within about 3 hours as well (mercifully).
I think that if you lower your expectations, which may be hard, then you will find that you will have a better time, and you will get to participate in the festivities. You will also feel less upset by the way things transpire.
how rude your husband family and your husband answer here is never again so ungrateful. We have the same situation everty year i am exhausted and never get to sit from 6pm to 12 30 I just suffer to it because its at my moms house who is 80. Itsn not fair everyone thinks they are guest BS. its our holiday too. Dont do it ever again. rest up you did a great thing.
I haven't read your (many) other responses, but the person I would be angry at is your husband. Since you were busy in the kitchen, and since it was his family, it would have been his job to say, "No, Mom, we're going to open gifts after dinner," or "Hey everyone, let's wait until my wife gets here to eat." Your guests sound a bit disrespectful and oblivious, but really, it isn't their job to set the schedule of the event - it is the hosts'. Your husband didn't stand up for you, and I would personally be very hurt and feel disrespected that he didn't think of you at all.
Don't host next year, and if anyone asks why (besides your husband) tell them that you were unable to enjoy the festivities because you were cooking last year, and so it's someone else's turn. If your husband asks why, tell him flat out. Good luck with this family - they don't sound very appreciative.
I think you overreacted a little but i totally get what you are saying and can see how disrespectful they were to you and that was completely wrong. I would have asked a few people to be your helpers for the day--would have gone smoother and you wouldn't have felt like hired help You could have eaten at the table and been able to visit too. As for the opening presents before hand, your hubby should have spoken up when everyone got there and said that his lovely wife had been preparing a wonderful meal for the last 7 hours and would really appreciate the present opening after dinner. Then he could have directed everyone to their seats while the food was served. I think bottom line, you were completely overwhelmed, underappreciated and taken advantage of. The family sounds like pigs-- sorry to be blunt but they should have offered to help and since they didn't you should have asked for help. Christmas dinner should be a family affair- if the women make the food, the men should clean up and do the dishes. No excuse for anyone to not help. Hope this helps you.
M
I would have made an announcement that dinner was on the table and to come eat then turn around and go sit down. I am not as nice as you. It was really up to your husband at that point to intervene on your behalf. By saying "Let's wait until our lovely hostess is seated beside me" then proceeded to wait for you to join them.
If he isn't going to speak up then it will be more of the same later on.
next time make it more of a buffet style where everyone can get up and fix their own plates and do whatever they want. Less formal.
I don't think your wrong. I do think like some have suggested you could have told everyone as you greeted them the plans of the day, and or when they opened gifts stopped them and said, I would like to dinner first so that I can take part in the gift opening and/or so the food won't get cold.
All that being said, I think its fair that you don't offer your house for the holiday gathering next year.
Just so you know my mom does it at her house and breakfast is served. Then we open presents. That's how she wants it and that is how they do it
Your husband should have stood up for you, regardless of the situation. Period. He really needs to apologize to you and take ACTION to show you that he really is sorry for HIS misbehavior.
Sounds like everyone views you as a doormat because in the past possibly you've never stood up for yourself and they know it. So they take advantage.
My advice is to not host next year and if asked why simply say you're just not up for it. You don't need to explain any further to people who aren't gracious enough to help you during the dinner and show respect to you (and essentially your HUSBAND) in YOUR home.
Try not to dwell on the events that happened, but take it as a learning opportunity to cast your effort in the direction(s) where it would most be helpful and appreciated. To do otherwise, is like going to a dry well repeatedly.
I think you are completely justified. I do the same thing for my husbands family. The difference is that I have small children so we can't realistically put off opening presents when everyone arrives. So I told everyone to be there by 1pm and that we would be opening presents from 1-2. I then needed to be back into the kitchen at 2pm to take out the turkey and put the casseroles in the oven, make gravy, etc. We then did lunch at 3pm. So I would recommend looking at your schedule or making it clear to everyone - flat out told MIL and SIL this was the schedule before hand. Good luck. I know I would be very peeved if that had been my experience.
This is why I stopped having all the Holidays at me house. I never got to enjoy them.
