So here is my deal. We have a house that works for our small family of 3, hubby, me and our 16 year old daughter. We have lived here for 17 years. In the past few years, my In-laws have "pushed" for us to host any or all of the "big 3" holidays..even just once. I think we did once for Easter or Thanksgiving many years ago. MY family has done a buffet style Christmas here for many years, however. They are way more laid back and OK with the lack of space and no real seating. I have no table in my dining room as much of my house is used for my daycare business.More small kids on my side so the play areas and such work for them as well.
But my FIL (who I love dearly!), for many years, has made comments, while at their home for a holiday, about how he likes sitting at the table, with their nice dishes and everyone all around to sit and eat together, blah blah blah. It IS nice, but not something we will EVER be able to do in my home as long as I do home daycare. Plus we have many small levels, so there is
the issue of steps for older grandparents, etc. We just don't have the nice dishes, place to sit and set up they do, nor the space
So this year we are considering hosting just to let them see what they will get with us at our house. Steps, no fancy sit down dinner (a large folding table with a table cloth to "hide" that" and folding chairs with a pillow on the seat) plus just our plain old everyday dishes. And I want to make my Mothers (old family recipe) spaghetti. She died 3 years ago and this is tradition in MY family. My hubby is OK with that, as we are not big ham or turkey eaters.
So am I sabotaging things by doing all of this? Or just giving them a truthful version of OUR Christmas?.
Ok..so far..to Krista P and Mallory P...I am NOT being spiteful and I am so sorry if it came across that way. I dearly love my in laws and they are the only parents I have had for many years (the only father I have ever had) My in laws obviously know what my house configuration is like. They also know that my beloved Mother died on Thanksgiving day 3 years ago, so holidays since then have been extremely difficult for me. They know and are on board for a different holiday, I just feel like there is a "told you so" that will inevitably happen under it all. They said if we host, to do it the way we want, serve what we want. I do not want them to be uncomfortable, which is why in the end they always say they will host (Grandma couldn't do steps over the years for various reasons, etc..there was always a reason on their end, mostly not on ours, all but the last 3 years ).
Mostly I do not want to disappoint my FIL, and I know I will.
Further EDIT: My intention is NOT to make anyone purposely uncomfortable..perhaps sabotage was the WRONG word. I just so hate to disappoint them. They are the only parents I have left. And I know I can not live up to those perfect holiday ideals they have and really in some ways I don't want to. I grew up never knowing that people had turkey and ham on holidays! We had the spaghetti and meatballs recipe that cooked for 24 hours that was modified from my great grandmothers recipe who came from Sicily. Its the way we did things! I want to share that with them and I think my FIL is excited for that. But we just don't have the fanciness they are accustomed to, but really, they do know that. Another reason why, in the end, they end up hosting each year is due to my now 18 yr old nephew, who they have always raised. He is autistic, so accommodating him, for more than an hour or 2 is challenging. But under it all, I can't stomach the idea of disappointing them.
Honestly, I think they are asking for it. I would probably do it and see what happens. At the very least they will probably lay off next year! Good luck!
Wow, so many of us complain that in-laws always want it at their houses. Your situation sounds wonderful! Who cares what the table looks like, or the quality of chairs or dishes. This holiday is to spend time together. I would let them know about your traditions too. My sister's inlaws always do an Italian meal, only occasionally doing a turkey.
I say go for it, and don't think of it as sabotage. You are sharing your family's traditions and hosting family in your house with the space and abilities that you have. Enjoy it.
Update - don't do it to say, see I told you, and make it very difficult on them. Just share your version. They may actually have a good time, and you can continue.
I just read your follow up: It sounds like you can be really honest with your FIL, and I would do that. I would tell him that you are so close and would love to share this both joyous and difficult time with him, but that you would be heartbroken if he found it a disappointment. Even though it would probably require more patience than I would have, I would specifically ask him if the day would feel special enough if you were casual, buffet style, eating non-traditional food. I think that, hopefully, if you can be open and honest on your end, even if the holiday didn't exactly feel like what he's been used to (and lets be honest, it won't) he can be supportive and caring enough to shut up about it : )
Best of luck.
If they've been to your home they should know what to expect. I would just be honest and let them know. Just being w/family and enjoying one another during the holidays is what counts.
No I don't believe you are in my opinion. They want you to host so go ahead. host with what you have. They holiday's are for food & fellowship not fancy dishes and special foods. My family does potluck so everyone has a variety.
My guess is that if he does not enjoy the holiday at your house he will not ask you to host again. That will let you off the hook in the future.
Best wishes to you!
Wow- why would you intentionally make something uncomfortable to avoid having to do it again? Why wouldn't you make some effort to find common ground. As the person who typically has the "family events" b/c it's pretty much our house or my SIL's house, I would welcome an alternative holiday to take the pressure off a little!
To answer your question, the tone of this posting implies that you are doing this style holiday dinner to prove a point. This is probably going to backfire on you. You could really spin this in a positive way if you wanted do, which you don't.
My MIL is hosting Thanksgiving this year and it's going to be tight. She already warned all of us that it won't be the "sit down" dinner that my SIL typically hosts, but she really would like us all at her house this year. My response... great, what can we do to make it easier on her!
If hosting Thanksgiving dinner is going to make it miserable for everyone then don't do it. You could invite the family over for pizza and snacks the week before Christmas instead, which would be nice.
Well, have you talked to them and explained how Christmas is at your house? I would tell them that I wanted them to come, but that there would be no fancy sit-down dinners and that things are quite cramped. Let them know that you do spaghetti at Christmas. Say all of this light-heartedly and just tell them you're letting them know because you don't want anyone to be disappointed. Point out the stairs if anyone has arthritis or knee/hip problems. I say -tell them to come on as long as they won't be disappointed. If they can only experience the joy of Christmas in one certain way, then they need to stay at home.
This isn't sabotage at all. This is your life. I'd just let them know in advance that you are planning a rustic and informal affair; would they like to come? Let them know that you are serving Spaghetti in honor of your mother, as you do every year, and that things will be cozy. I too have a preschool in my home, and no couch to sit on, so I understand how difficult entertaining can be.:) I'd leave it as an open-ended invitation, and let that be that.
I know, for myself, that I'd be more than grateful to my gracious host for not having to host the meal myself. Your house is likely clean anyway from your work; so just put on a nice blouse, light some candles, look like your pretty self, smile and be as pleasant and inviting as possible (without being fake). It's really all you can do. After that, it's their job to be gracious guests!
You've only hosted a holiday dinner at your house once in 17 years? It's way overdue.
For years I never had a dining room table - but I really liked to be together at and let the kids enjoy Christmas at their own house. So I bought some folding tables and went to the lumber yard for a "table top" (ask them at the lumber yard what would make a good table top). If you saw what restaurant / catering tables look like under the table cloth you'd be stunned! We do have china - but for some Christmases when it's been more hectic I've actually gone to the party supply store and bought plastic dishes - and we used our regular cutlery. A red table cloth, green plastic plates, pretty Christmas napkins - make a centerpeice out of a glass bowl with shiny glass ornaments in it, light some green candles and it will look lovely. Don't worry about the steps - the grandparents will deal with it for the one trip up and the one trip down. When the year comes that they think they can't do the steps they'll let you know. We've had 25 people in our "dining room" which is really designed for about 10 -12.
My sister hosted holidays for quite a long time and when she did we never all fit in her dining room - there was a kids table in the kitchen, the teens table in the living room, etc. But now that my mom can no longer get up the stairs in her high ranch we have holidays at our house.
Make your traditional spaghetti dinner - but throw a ham in the oven too - they sell spiral hams at Costco, and other stores that taste great and take almost no effort to prepare. You can get them for less than $25! It's so much not a big deal at all - trust me, they won't care.
My brother's house is small and they've also never hosted a holiday dinner - but I have thought many times that they could do so and we would all "forgive" the fact that folding tables would have to be extended into the small living room... but we aore his wife and she's always caring and sweet so we never push. They try to have a gathering at least once a year outside when the weather is nice so that counts for something. ;o)
Being together is what's most important - and you may be surprised at how happy it makes your husband and your inlaws.
Okay, first of all, Mallory P. You often state that people shouldn't just come here to have people agree with them....and I agree to an extent, but there is absolutely no reason for you to attack her character, which is clearly against Mamapedia guidelines.
NB, I TOTALLY get what you are saying. You want to have Christmas at your home in the way that you love WITHOUT criticism. I don't think you are being spiteful or sabotaging the holiday.
Each family celebrates in a unique way and you should be able to do that in your own home. I hope your inlaws have the manners to enjoy it even if it's not their "style".
If they want you to host in your home, they get what they get. And we also have an Italian meal in my family for Christmas as well, so I would caution you to be careful; they might enjoy that old family recipe so much that you'll have to make it every year. lol
Christmas isn't about the dishes, the table OR the surroundings (Stable, anyone?) Just have it at your house and serve your lovingly prepared food to the family.
It's nice to experience something rather than the same 'old' traditions sometimes. Maybe they'll love 'your' Christmas.
I'm thinking that your in-laws love you as you are and after all, they are the ones who want to have you host the dinner! So I say, accept their love, assume their happiness, plan a fun day and plan to enjoy yourself. Then all will be able relax and enjoy themselves.
First of all, I don't think you are spiteful. I also think it is unacceptable to get on a public forum and cast aspersions on someone else's character and I am sorry that happened to you. It may very well be that they see you hosting for your family and not for yours and feelings are hurt. They may not understand that you are not confident that you could make them comfortable at your house and that is why you haven't hosted. Sit down with them and tell them your concerns, your traditions, and what you are able to do to accomodate them along with what you aren't able to accomodate. Tell them if they still want to come they are more than welcome and let them decide if that is what they would like to do.
As to the spaghetti, tell them what you will be making, add a turkey to it and offer to set up a pot luck with the family for the rest of the traditional fixin's. Then you will be blending families and traditions.
As to what moms have to look forward to with DIL's. I am one of those and I love my in laws. They are ALWAYS welcome in my home. We host them for all kinds of things including holidays. I would never be unkind or disrespectful because if they never did another thing for me they gave me my husband and that's more than enough. So, look out moms of sons, you can get one like me, too.
L.
Sound to me like either you are worrying too much about not being able to pull off the picture perfect holiday or you feel that being saddled with hosting is more stress than you want to deal with (or both). In any case I think you should go ahead and have it at your place but let people know that you need help and be specific with what you want help with. It might turn out to be a great thanksgiving ** whoops I mean Chirstmas** or you might be let off the hook from ever hosting again. Just take a deep breath and let it happen.
Personally I think what you described sounds like a really nice christmas dinner, and your husband feels the same. The holiday to me represents family and togetherness, not fancy seating and dishes. So if you want to host the holiday at your house I say, do it. They will be happy that you thought to host it, and if they don't like the way it is done, they will most likely go back to hosting at their own house.
I think you should host it this year, but do it from your heart. If you cannot do it from your heart, consider all of you going out for Thanksgiving meal and going back to your home for desserts. They can eat that off of their laps and use your coffee table, side tables or tv tables for thie r coffee cups.
We are exactly in the same configuration as you.
We live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath home. The kitchen is tiny.. Only 1 person can be in there at a time. The "dining room" is actually used by my husband as his studio and office.. My MIL and SIL that have HUGE homes, have made comments for years that we have never hosted.. It is insulting, because they know darn well, there is not room for 12 people in our home..
While I was still speaking with them, I took many different side dishes, desserts, I even roasted the turkey and made the stuffing a few years..We have even offered to make the full meals at their homes. My husband and I always did all of the washing of all dishes, pots and pans.. We did this from our hearts so MIL and SIL could have fun on the holidays and not have to do everything.. Now I do not have to worry with them any more..
Now that everybody is doing their own thing in my moms family, she, her husband, me and my husband go to a nice restraunt and invite whoever wants to join us for a nice Thanksgiving lunch, we all pay our own way.. It is wonderful. No dishes, no stress, and we dress up and go DT.. We feel very glamorous..
I feel your pain, with a small, crowded house. I do have a dining table, but not a dining room, an area. I have to pull my table part way into the living room when my inlaws come over.
I assume they have been to your house in the past. They probably know the layout, size... They may not completely grasp how much of your home is occupied by your business. I agree with compromising, and there may be a couple of ways to do that.
Are your inlaws not hosting because they don't/can't want the hassle, yet they really want you all sitting down at a table, together? What is their motive for pushing you to host? Remember, perspective. Sitting down at a dressed table, all together, is what represents 'family' time to them and the table represents family times of their past.
I have learned that a nicely prepared table makes people feel loved and special. Having said that, it does not have to be fancy, just thoughtful. I think you should set up the folding table, with a pretty (even a white or red sheet) table cloth, pretty napkins, your everyday dishes, your folding chairs... Maybe try to make it feel welcoming, a holiday candle burning, a vase with some holly or pine stems cut from outside ( I understand tight, I cannot afford to spend $25 on things I do not need right away). If you want to spend a little, Walmart has clear plates for $1 that work over and over again for any occassion, and always look nice. Let them know in advance, in an excited tone, that you will be preparing a meal that is important to you, prepared from scratch with love, with tradition. Maybe you could have a pumpkin pie, or at least one item that they like as tradition to let them know you considered their feelings/traditions. Or ask them to bring an appetizer or dessert.
Or, you could go out to eat where you could all sit down together at a meal and enjoy your conversation, then have dessert at your house.
Another thing to remember, and I don't mean to coddle them, but they are probably in their golden years and feeling nastalgic and knowing their holidays are numbered. I don't mean to sound morose, but my dh's grandma wants to host every year cause she is affraid it is her last.
Let us know how it goes. Bless you.
Lol, I don't think reality = sabotage.
I mean, its not like they don't KNOW you have a small house, right??
I can see where you're coming from. I think having your in-laws over would be fine, but yes, ahead of time, just be very clear:
"You know we will love having you over for Christmas, but it won't be like it is here! We will be serving things buffet style and we'll all just have our plates on our knees in the living room. I really want to take some of the extra work of the holidays off of your shoulders, but you do know how small our house is!"
If you say it in a funny, loving way, they are forewarned. If they don't like it, I am sure they will find ways to let you know, so just be prepared for anything from snide remarks about how much nicer it was last year, to outright criticism- people often have very set ideas about what 'makes' a holiday.
But- in the end, what really makes it is spending time with loved ones. If it bugs them a lot, they will no doubt offer to host again next year. But maybe they will enjoy themselves and be just fine. It can't hurt to try it your way at least once! good luck!
I would tell your in laws what you wrote here and they will accept it or not. I don't think you are sabotaging things by being honest with yourself and your family. They know the size of your house so it shouldn't be a shock to them.
EDIT I agree with the ladies who say not to be spiteful and don't do it if you are feeling this way.
Just do it as a festive get-together but not as an actual Christmas event.
Let them know you're looking forward to having a lovely get-together
with them but not with a lot of other people, just with them
to enjoy their company.
.................................
Just read your "So What Happened".
Condolences on the loss of your mother on Thanksgiving.
That must have been extremely difficult for you and your family.
I wonder if you might consider doing your "just us and DH's mom and dad
special event" on, for example, Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day.
or President's Day or MLK birthday.
etc.
Good luck.
My family (siblings) are just the opposite. We are always looking for opportunities to 'steal' back a holiday dinner. And I DID for a few years have a large formal dining room with a gorgeous new table that sat 12 or more, but not any more. NONE of us have the room really for a formal sit down dinner, and yet we ALL love having dinner at OUR house the best.
My sister currently does Thanksgiving, she does a great job. Her dining room is tiny, she squashes like three extra tables together, different dishes, folding chairs, whatever, nobody cares. We have a blast and eat and drink and make due.
Christmas dinner is at my house. By the time extended family members get here the five of us have the entire house pretty much trashed, although I spend all of Christmas Eve cleaning and decorating. We are stepping over presents dogs kids food everywhere, no body cares, everybody finds a spot to sit with a plate, some on their lap, some manage to find table space. I usually cook WAY too much fabulous food, but I REALLY REALLY enjoy it!
If you DON'T really really enjoy it, why do it?
Maybe you'll be surprised at your FIL's reaction to 'your' Christmas dinner. If there is love and peace and humor, what does it matter where ya'll eat.
I think Spaghetti is a GREAT idea, you can share your story about your mom all day!
In fact, maybe I'll do spaghetti this year too in honor of your MAMA!
I hope you can relax a little and enjoy it all, otherwise what's the point?!
Go for it! They obviously have been hinting, and though FIL openly states what he likes (perhaps to flatter MIL?), they wouldn't be hinting if they didn't feel comfortable in your home environment. I have a sneaking suspicion that the hints may be based in the fact that holidays are getting harder to host as they get older. They don't want perfection, but to be able to relax a little and enjoy the family. As you've probably realized just from initial planning, these things are a lot of work! The one thing I would do, however, is to toss in a small turkey breast along side the traditional meatballs so their tradition isn't lost. Personally i would feel like Thanksgiving never happened if some sort of turkey hadn't been on the table.
But PLEASE don't do what my MIL did for many years until we moved away... host at their house (each child brought 1/3 of the meal already warm & cooked) & then serve the meal on Chinet right next to a china cabinet full of beautiful china. No, she wasn't adverse to using it. She thought it was 'easier.' Yes, she had a dishwasher, and yes, we helped with all the clean up. YIKES!
I say your house your traditions. If you think of it as sabotaging however, then you will already be on the defensive and looking for them to judge. I assume you have been married quite awhile since you have a 16 yr. old daughter. Your in- laws know you and love you and they love your husband. It's not like they haven't seen your house before. Let them come and have a merry Christmas!
It's wonderful you have a great relationship with your parents-in-law. I would invite them to dinner or coffee and explain your concerns to them directly. Tell them Thanksgiving is too much since your Mother's passing, but you can do Christmas in the style you mentioned here. Get their input - if they think your hosting is a good idea go ahead and host Christmas.
If not, perhaps you could offer to help them prepare their house for Christmas and even help with the clean up. Tell them you would be willing to do this either every other year (or whatever you are comfortable with).
That way when other family members bring up hosting you can explain you have chosen to co-host with you MIL. That should satisfy any questions.
I think it sounds really fun! My parents, too, have ideas of how things "should" be and are very comfortable with the traditions that we've had for many years. But when they come to our house for events, they are always surprised how different my family does things. (I say surprised, not disappointed, because that's usually the case.)
Yes, there are some things that they miss, but they also just really like spending time together during the holidays. That is the most important tradition of all. Do it your way, anticipate the surprise and some of the comments you may get ("Wow, this spaghetti is really great!"), and have a wonderful Christmas!
I don't think you are being spitful, you are being realistic. My question is why the MIL wants you to host, is she getting worn out doing it all? My mother in law always hosts christmas eve but now she is older (82) we worry about her being the one who does so much. I have hosted it a couple times here using the excuse that we are in the middle of where everyone lives and it makes it easier, but she misses it so always wants it back at her house which is ok. If your mother in law is feeling worn down by it could you host it (fix the food, decorate, clean up and all) at their house? Could you rent a hall to host it? If it is tradition in your family for Spaghetti, why not include that as one of the meal choices, even if you still have the turkey or ham. I do believe that your father in law's remarks aren't because he is pointing out to you that you need these things at your house but reflecting on how family is together and how nice it is. Dishes aren't important. We use paper plates so we don't have the dishes afterwards for our holidays, much to my mothers disappointment because she has beautiful dishes and loves having a chance to use them. The thing about holidays, it doesn't matter where it is, what you eat, but that you have family and loved one to share it with. My husband's cousin and her family host a dinner for people who are alone on Christmas and they have been doing this for many years. They do this in a community hall and anyone can come and eat for free. They have a collection jar for donations and a lot in town donate to them for it, but again, it isn't about where or what is for dinner, but the caring and love.
Hi there~
At the end of it all, are your in-laws going to remember the seat cushions or plates and all of the other things you mentioned? Or, are they going to remember the memories, togetherness, and the overall feeling of the holidays? I know we tend to think about all of these things, but honestly a holiday dinner could be as simple as PB&J so long as we have our families. What do you remember most about the holidays? The food, gifts, or people with whom they are spent?
Hope this helps. Happy Holidays!
I think you might be underestimating them. There are beautiful holiday
paper good out there. You can use them and get the large folding table
and chairs. I think they just want the opportunity to be at your house
with a feeling of togetherness at the table. As far as the menu, it is your
tradition and I am sure they would respect that. You could always just
cook a small turkey breast or ham with a side or two also this way everyone
is happy and it shows that you care about what they like too. Just saying.
We don't have a dining room table or much furniture either. I borrowed big, plasticy tables like they sell at Lowes and the office stores. They only sit 4, not 8 comfortably and they take up a lot of space. It was not homey at all.
I personally would not do Thanksgiving with drama as you lost M. only 3 years ago. Go to their house or stay at home.:-)
If they want you to host and you want to host, they YOU are the hostess, and you get to do it YOUR way! Change is good! Otherwise, maybe you can all go OUT for a meal somewhere, we did that one Easter, and it was SOO Nice not to have to set up all the tabels and chairs and clean up all the dishes and try to coordinate who is bringing what, etc! I wish we could go out for all holiday meals, and then just gather for fun/visiting/gifts at someone's home afterward. MUCH LESS HASSLE!
Another option is to have it at their house, with their table, china, other traditions, but you make the main course your way, in honor of your mom - dual hosting??
Good Luck whatever you decide! It is too bad the holidays get so stressful, with everyone worrying about everyone's expectations, etc. That is not what it is supposed to be all about. We have similar drama in our family, and with both our sets of parents divorced, we have 4 sets of holidays to try to coordinate and make everyone happy!
Just focus on family and fun, and don't sweat the small stuff, I say!
Jessie
Go ahead and host Christmas, and watch how NO ONE will ask you to host ever again! The tight quarters (and different levels of stairs) will be uncomfortable for them and they will learn their lesson! However, if someone wants turkey or ham, perhaps you can make it (or tell them they can bring it). You can have turkey or ham AND your mother's spaghetti, right? I do think the main entree should be more than spaghetti. Allow the ham or turkey (whomever will make it), and that will be your protein, and your mother's spaghetti will be one of the carbs. Have fun, and I hope no one farts! LOL!!! Just open some windows and breathe some of your cool, crisp Minnesota air!
I didn't read any responses but I think you should do exactly what you wrote on doing. I think it is great. It is your place, your traditions. I can fully relate to a small space. (5 of us in 800 sq ft) When people "insist" on gathering here and just cannot understand our cramped space, then they get what they get when they're here. I'm sorry for your loss and the spagetti is a great way in keeping the traditions of your family alive. Best wishes and be confident.
If you are going to do it do it right. No cushions on the folding chairs. Skip the regular plates and get plastic ones. he he kidding!
But even if you do "sabotage" things don't be surprised if they all have a negative opinion in the end and say nothing and still think you should host. My family would never ever let on that they thought my house unfit they would pry just bother me less.
If they want you to host and you are ok doing so, then go for it. As for what to have, I think you if you really want to go w/ your family's tradition it will be fine but since you are hosting HIS family, you should consider something more in line w/ their tradition. Save your family's traditional dinner for when you are hosting them.
I personally think by suggesting to serve spaghetti you are trying to sabotage so they don't ask again. If you decide to go forward with it then be sure that you let them know so they aren't bringing traditional dishes that don't really go with what your are serving (assuming they are bringing dishes).
Everyone has an idea of what a 'perfect' holiday setting is.
It's different for everyone.
The picture in your FILs mind is just not going to work in your house, so don't try. If he hints about it, ask him how he thinks that would work given how your house is laid out. Could it be his comments are not really hints that you should try hosting a major holiday get together? Maybe.
Do not try for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
That being said, there's no reason you can't have them over for a 4th of July party where you can set up a barbecue picnic in your back yard.
People, especially of different generations, just see things differently.
My Mom's friend has a nice summer cabin up in the Thousand Lakes area. It's nice, but very rustic. Outhouse, limited electricity, etc.
They brought their elderly parents up for a visit and their parents were less than pleased. They said "We worked hard and slaved for years so you wouldn't have to live like this, and THIS is what you do to relax and have a good time?". See, when you don't live like that all the time, roughing it over a vacation can be fun. But to someone who had to live like that and brought themselves up out of poverty - they are not going to view it in the same light.
I don't know your FIL, but somehow I don't think he's saying what you think he's saying.
