Children Who Are Not Listening

I say we make school year round, that would help all of us.
Hye J. sometimes the old school ways of discipline work the best......sentence writing. "I will not........." 5oo times if they don't get it that way 500 more and they start over. They get to do nothing else until the sentences are written. So if it takes them all day, well that's waht it take them. W. B.

J., of course your children respect the parents of their friends. They know if they misbehave they will have to go home. It is simple, they behave the way they need to in order to get to play with a friend. Kids are smart, they know the rules before we do. Your kids know that right now they dont have to listen or treat you with respect, you dont know what to do about it.

Remeber the house is yours, everything the eat, wear, do comes from you. If hey want your respect and the ability to participate with in the family home, they need to treat you wtih respect. When my son was about this age I could not get him to listen to me either. He went for a while not doing anything he was asked to do and complaining if I insisted on it. One day I decided to ask only once and let it go. By dinner time I had a whole list of items that I laid at his place instead of a plate. I told him that since he did not feel as if he needed to what I expected I did not feel as if I needed to do what he expected. He looked at me in shock. Dinner was one of his favorite meals and he started to cry and get really upset. I told him that the list had several items on it that needed to be done. If he started right then he might finish before dinner was over. He did! The next day I asked only once for things to be done and he was on it no time. I think we had a total of 3 similar dinners within one year. My other son who was 4 years younger, had a few himself. The point is, they will only listen and do what they are told when you decide how bad you want it and do soemthing about it.

J., I'll be watching for the responses you get. My boys are almost 10 and 6. If I could have paid extra yesterday to get them to start school earlier, I would have!! We did OK until about a week or so ago. I keep asking my husband if he's made my reservation at the looney bin yet!!

Take Care, M.

Hi, J.. I feel for you- my son is now 8 and seems to be challenging me much more. Rarely, he tries this with his dad, since he does not have the patience for it. I do think some of it is a phase, but I still think we can't let them get away with it. I know what is the best motivator for my son, and he loses that if he is disrespectful to me or any other adult. I think they struggle with all the independence they feel, but really do want us to still be with them at the same time. It is frustrating for them, and I know it is frustrating for us. Find out what their favorite thing is and use that as leverage for their behavior. Tough love is not easy, but it is effective. Good Luck!

i say make them work! if you feel like they are disrespectful, and that is something you're not willing to tolerate, then you have to make it stop. even if it is a phase.there are more "phases" to come and in my house, it is not ok to be disrespectful... to anyone.
what i did is a token system. if you'd like info on that, let me know. good luck!

If they are respectful to other people then you must be doing something right. Kids always try to push Mom's button to see how much they can get away with. Don't tolerate the attitude. At the same time, I think sometime we forget at this age how much attention and love our kids need. When they are little we know they crave it and need it constantly but once they hit those pre-teen years and start to push us away, we forget that sometimes we need to pull them back in and still give them that love. Let them know that you hate fighting with them but at the same time disrespect is not acceptable and there will be consequences for bad behavior. I agree that some kind of reward system might possibly help. Don't bribe them but reward good behavior and they will catch on.

You don't mention anything that you have done when they have been disrespectful to you or don't listen. If you have just let it go, you have just made the problem worse.

I don't hear whining. Anything said to me in a whiny voice is TOTAL ignored by me. Discipline means to teach. Your boys need to be taught the behavior you expect. Some things may be easy to teach, others difficult. If your boys were not reading, you wouldn't just let it go, you keep trying things until they could read. The same goes here. I would start by telling them at time you are not battling about anything and say - look, you've been treating me badly and I can't let you do it anymore. Then tell them specifically the things they can no longer do, and what the consequences will be. Tell them that by being disrepectful, they are treating you as if you have no value and you can't accept that. They are part of a family and the parents are the bosses, period.

Good luck!

Our little angel turns one today, so I'm not where you are yet, but she's got spunk, and I'm sure we'll be facing these issues soon, so I've started reading "Love & Logic". There's a lot of great suggestions in that book. Basically you let your child make decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions. When they whine/cry/yell say, "Would you like to speak to me nicely now, or would you like to go to your room until you are able to do so?" You are controlling the result - being spoken to appropriately - with both options, but they make the choice, so whichever they choose, they can't blame you for the consequences. So when they continue to whine/cry/yell, you say "It seems you've chosen to go to your room." Then if they refuse to go (which they probably will since they are too big for you to physically make them go), you say, "This may not work out for you in the long run. I'm going to think this over and let you know what we'll do about it later." Then the next time they want to do something, like go to a friend's house or get a toy, you say, "I would really like to let you go to your friend's house/get that toy, but you chose to be disrespectful and disobedient to me yesterday. That really drained my energy, and I was unable to finish cleaning the kitchen. I need to do that today instead so I won't be able to take you to your friend's house/to get the toy." They explain it much better than I do, and offer suggestions for specific problems. Good luck!

I would say you need to reflect back on your punishing. Are you consistant or do you say oh what ever just do it then. That causes children to test the waters and so far sounds like they are winning. SOOOOOO lets see, take control, i always said and heard kids need and want structuring and boundaries. so set the them. you tell them when they whine and yell they are out of control and then set the punishment to fit the situation.
I would first take away things followed by places then oh yes the grounded. You know them and what would best fit their punishment the best. So go for it. Oh yeah next year bible school is a wonderful thing teaches them respect and many other wonderful choices in life.

Hi J., I know how you feel, It seems like my kids get that way when they are bored and/or don't get enough sleep or exercise. Four of my kids are teens(19 almost 20(he works)16 girl, 15 boy, 14 boy) and then I have a 10 yr.old girl and almost 6 yr.old boy, this summer I have changed the way I do things. I took away all video games and made them play outside alot more, and if they still find a way to whine and cause trouble then they get to help me clean. It helps me out a little bit, I still feel like I'm talking to a brick wall but it has helped a bit. Hang in there till school starts, I know I'm ready.
M. B.

Love and Logic! When you ask them to do something and they don't, then when they ask you for a ride or something~you don't!

We had this situation and we (my husband and I) wrote down all the things they were doing and not doing that were problems. Then we had a family meeting. In our meetings we try to talk without interrupting each other(not always easy!).
We let everyone have a turn to speak. We reminded them of the house rules. They asked if they could make a list also. We said yes and then had another meeting. They felt that it was thier summer vacation and they wanted to do some fun things and not just the usual things around the house, chores and general playing that they always do. We did not have a lot of money for extra trips so we came up with ideas that were low/no cost. We live in St. Louis so we went to the zoo and the Science Center (both free). At the time we had a $1 movie theater so for under $20 (then) we went to the movies, had popcorn and soda, before we went we planned a special lunch at home, we made homemade pizza and salad, then off to the movies. The thing is we talked as a family and realized that there was things that we as parents could do differently as well as the kids changed there behavior. We ended up having one of the best summers ever. Good Luck!

I have a son whos is almost 5 he has been well behaved and mannered now that his lil sis is geting older she is 18 months old now he has since then became a lil naughty.He doesn't respond very well when asked to do something I have to repeat myself at least 3 times to get him moving I have to remind him over and over again not to play rough with his lil sis she is still far to young to wrestle and do what you are doing however she is doing it and keeps up with him.School is almost here and I think that it'll calm down.He knows he has to listen to the teachers the first time and that helps here at home cause he remembers what he does at school it also applies here at home.You know pick up toys, wash your hands,shareing etc.Keep up on your discilpine.

It must be a phase since my boys who are twins (both 8) are doing it too. I have visited with several of my friends who have boys the same age and they have the same complaints. Hopefully, next summer will be easier! Hang in there! I KNOW what you are going through -- in addition to the twins I also have two more boys! My days are busy and full of arguments! Kati