Child Feeling Left Out While Other Is Sick.

Is there a way for your husband to spend some one-on-one time with Sage? Now might be a good time for them to have some "guy" time together. To Sage, it may look like his brother is getting you all to himself and he, Sage is being left out. Having a playdate by himself with his Dad might make him feel that he is special, too.

We are going through the exact same thing with our children right now. Our son Jack (4) unexpectedly became sick and our daughter Julia (7) was ok with it, but now that he is going to be having alot of appts and therapy she is starting to act out a bit. She says that she never gets any time with me because she is at school all day and Jack gets to be with me all day, etc. To top it off, everytime he has a test or procedure at the hospital he gets stickers and a small gift like a book or a small toy. He shares his stickers with her, but that just doesn't seem to be enough. I understand how she is feeling, but my husband and I sitting and talking to her about it is not making any difference at all. Dh and I have also started spending more time with just her, but it's never enough. Our pediatrician suggested that she go and talk to a children's counselor about how she is feeling and that sometimes when a third party explains things, children are more receptive to it (explaining what Jack is going through). We have an appointment next week, and I think it could really make a difference. I hope that maybe this gives you an idea of how to deal with this problem. Good luck, and I hope that your son is feeling better soon!

J.,

Is there any way that your husband can cut down on his hours to help you with this? Sage really needs one of his parents with him to let him know that he is still special to his parents while Rayne is so sick. Another idea, do things with Sage while Rayne is napping. Play games, read books, watch cartoons together.

This is a hard time for you and your family, get your husband to help, your family needs Daddy at home as much as (more) is possible.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

First let me say that I will be praying for your family. I know first hand what you are going through. It is a tough time for all and your mommy heart is breaking not only for your sick one, but for your older child who is feeling left out.
I know so very well that every family is different and what works well for one may not for you, but here are some of the things we did.
1. Do not lay off on the discipline of either kid. It is what makes them feel loved and if you suddenly start to not discipline them they feel lost.
2. Leave a gift for the child to open each day you are gone. Let them know you are thinking of them.
3. As much as possible let them know the schedule. Unfortunately for us we didn't always have a set plan so we would make a picture schedule for our older daughter and then have a floating question mark for when things changed.
4. Take time for yourself, do you have a church family or have you heard of MOPS. MOPS is a great place to be supported and loved.
With love and prayers,
K.

First - that sucks. Yes, I can be much more eloquent, but sometimes a good, "that really blows, I'm sorry you have to go through that" is the best thing to hear.

Second - Totally know how you feel with your husband working long hours, etc. It's not such an easy thing as to say, can you cut your hours down? Especially when one parent spends more time at home, bills need to be paid and nobody wants to be unemployed right now.

Third - Are they on the same nap schedule? If yes - how heavenly. If not though, maybe while the younger one is sleeping you can do something really fun with the older one, like make cookies (sorry hips) or shrinky dink. How about writing a letter for Dad to read him for each morning that you're gone? Write about how much you miss him, what you like best about him, what he does that makes you laugh.

Good luck and god bless,
A.

It is very important that you make an effort to spend more time with him. I do babysitting and would be willing to babysit on a Saturday or Sunday so you could do so. I live in the Everett area - but depending on your area am willing to drive.
I'm out of ideas other than that. That one on one time is just sooo important. Maybe a special treat that he doesn't have to share. A chore that will make him feel important?
My e-mail address is ____@____.com you'd like to meet just let me know. I have excellent references (and am pretty cheap according to my clients)....
A.

J.,

First I want to let you know how sorry I am to hear your child is ill.

Second, I want to tell you my own experience. My brother, 2 years older than I, grew up fighting leukemia. His illness was discovered when I was in my infancy and he was just over 2. My parents were very young, dad 22 and mom 25, with no money what so ever. We lived in a village 2 and a half hours from the nearest hospital and in our village we had only our family doctor, very capable but with a very limited facility. Therefore all my brothers treatments were provided at the hospital in the city with no facilities for families and mom had no access to childcare for me when she was with my brother in his treatments. My dad worked 3 jobs to keep us afloat and that left him little time to care for us and help, he was a sole provider and did fantastic taking care of his family in that respect. I spent much of my early years in the care of uncle, grandparents and friends at the village as my mother had to stay for weeks at a time in the city for sometimes my brother came close to losing his battle.

One of my mothers early responses to his illness was "how to give my daughter a normal life through all this"? The doctors that treated my brother advised her to try and treat both of us as "normal" as possible, meaning not to "dwell" on his illness and discuss it to much and just be frank about things. When he was ill "he just was" and they had to go to the city and I went to someone that could help at the time. The doctors where young with young children them selves and for this was a long time ago everything was experimental, my brothers treatments as well. They gave my parents the best advice they knew at the time. To make a long story short my brother was the first person to be cured of the particular type of leukemia he had and I LOVED my childhood. When ever there was something done for my brother similar things were done for me without much discussing it. My brother still does not talk about his illness for he liked growing up with it not being the focus in our lives. Some may think that being in denial or ignorant for we have all this information available to us. Well, in my experience sometimes less is more.

You know that you will give your older, healthy child, time when you have it and he will feel it when you do. I never felt excluded or less loved and in fact I feel I had the most perfect upbringing anyone could ever have. Of course thats given my brother got healthy and I still have him to look up to.

Acting "matter of factly" , out of necessity, may be the best thing you can give your family. Don't forget that pressure is on for you husband too.

I wish I could transfer to you the success my parents had with our situation and if you want you can contact me. I write this with much respect and hope for all the bestfor your children and all you family. My parents are still together and going strong 40 years later. My brother beat all odds and has family of his own after many times coming close to not making it. His battle lasted him good 12 years. I'm racing my own children now hoping to give them the same good memories I have from my childhood and the love for each other like I love and respect my brother.

Best of luck to you,
H

I am feeling for you in a big way, and I think that you are a very caring mother for noticing the need in your other child. First tho, you must realize you are not going to cause irreparable damage by helping one child while having to devote less hours to another, you are doing the best you can-live happens. You really have to tell yourself, in 6 months, will this have made a bad lasting effect, probably not. Second you need a good babysitter or friend to swap with! Also, It doesnt sound like there are many hours in there for you, who is just as important. Where do you live? I may have some good references for you.

Your his mommy too and you love him just as much, make a specail play date for when you return, he will like that and I am sure that it will reasure him. But son't worry, you are not a bad mom and you will know what to do. -Washington

I would ask your pediatrician for some help with this. He is at an "oedipal" age and could really harbor some resentment and anger forward without knowing why. Don't discount his feelings and the fact that he cannot rationalize his brother's illness into understanding why Mommy is gone. Who will be with him while you are gone? Can a relative go with you and the boys?