Child Doesn't Give Gifts

K.. I am a great grand mother. I raised 4 grandchildren over the last 15 years. Two of the boys acted the same way you are talking about. Keep telling them you love him & never forget his days. He will out grow the selfish way he is. Now my boys tell me they love me & get me little gifts for no reason.

my birthday was last week and i had the same thing happen to me with my 10 year son. i dont have any advise for you i just wanted you to know you are not alone. I had told my son that i really liked this coffee mug and he said that he would get it with my mom. he didnt! i actually took him myself to get it and he didnt want to get out of the car he asked if i would go in and get it for him. My mom actually got the card for him as well. I think its a boy thing. I'm not to worried about it now. I think its something he will get in time. by the way HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Does he do anything else for you? Maybe his "love language" is not gifts at all. Maybe he would rather just hug you or do something for you? Remember at 10, kids need to be reminded to do everything, so it's not you at all.

Hi K.,
First I want to reconmend a book to read- ithas helped me! "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It discuses how people express and receive love in different ways.
There are 5 languages, and there are different dialects of each language.
Quality Time: can be watching tv, talking together;
words of affirmation: "you're wonderful", "I appreciate you washing my clothes";
Acts of service: you washed my clothes, fixed the dripping faucet;
physical touch: let's cuddle, let's knock boots, hold my hand;
gifts: a hand picked flower, card, diamonds.

It sounds like you my have Gifts as your primary love language, and your son doesn't speak your language. I have taken the test at the back of the book multiple times and have always scored a 0 for gifts.That means that I don't care about them- I don't need them and I forget to buy them. I also don't celebrate Birthdays unless I am constantly reminded. It doesn't mean I don't love my husband or kids- I just don't value getting or giving stuff.
Now I offer you hope- I have learned how to speak Gifts! I have developed the ability to find, buy, and wrap the perfect (usually) gift for any occassion! I don't always enjoy it- but I am much better.
I still have relapses. I forgot to bake a cake this year for my husband's birthday. He was disappointed and felt unloved. I was like- what's the big deal? It's just a cake. But it's so much more to him! So I'll do better on our 15th anniversary...maybe.
I'm sorry this is so wordy. Enjoy your son and try to figure out his love language- there's a chance he might not feel loved too.
Good luck, take care ~S.

You might be expecting a little much out of a ten year old. I have heard that the strongest role model is the same sex parent. If he has no father figure to show him how to honor you, it might just be going over his head.

I think you are making this about whether your child loves you enough to acknowledge your special days but it is probably more about your son just being a 10 y.o. boy and having 10 y.o. thoughts which are seldom about birthdays, unless of course it is their own.

K. B, not to lessen what you are feeling but I found myself chuckle a little... I hate to say this... even though he's only 10 he's still a GUY! :-)

All guys have to be taught to give gifts. Instead of throwing hints (cause guys don't understand that until they have been married for a while - and even then...) just tell him straight out.

It might take a few times, but he'll eventually get it. Since he has no problem giving to you, you already have that problem solved. He just doesn't think it's as important as you do, but he needs to learn that it is... life after all, isn't centered around him.

So, my suggestion is next time someone has a b-day or a special event, take him with you, have him choose something for that person and explain to him that a small gesture goes a long way. You also teach this by example. Make it a habit to stop by and get flowers or dessert when visiting a friend and tell him that is polite to bring something when visiting someone's home.

Since he doesn't have anyone else to show him the example, unfortunately it will have to be you. That way you will know that you raised a gentleman, and I'm sure his future girlfriends, and eventually wife will appreciate the effort.

Right now he's in the learning process, so try not to take it personally when he doesn't remember or doesn't get something for you. Start putting that expectation on him. For example, Mother's day is coming up soon. Remind him now that he needs to save up money to get you something for that day and that now that he is a young man he needs to learn how to be a gentleman.

As for receiving "treasures" from your son, you still have time. When he does give you something make a HUGE deal. Display it proudly and make a big fuss, tell him that you will have a special chest for things he gets/makes for you.

Plus soon he'll be interested in girls and he'll learn quickly that a kind gesture goes a long way.

Don't discourage my friend, you have done so well with him otherwise. This is just something that is important to you and you need to make that known to him, that's all.

Good luck... and let us know if he does something for you on Mother's Day. :-)

~B

P.S. If he doesn't get you something on Mother's Day, take him to the store and have him get you an "I'm sorry" gift for forgetting you. Men have to learn to do that sometime... ha ha!

Dear K.,

Please be very careful when you are approaching your son on personal matters like these, and what you tell him that you EXPECT from him. He is only 10! At 10 you have to remind them 10 times in the same 1/2 hour period just to take out the trash! Taking the extra effort on anything is NOT normal at 10 :o)

K., kids usually do what they're taught. Have you made cards for him, or were they store bought? Most boys really don't have the "insight" to do things like making gifts/cards on their own. They have to be taught/shown how to do it. Do you have a book for it?

I bet he would make you a necklace or bracelet if you had a bead kit in your home. I bet he would start making you cards if you had the "supplies" all together for him.

Please don't make him feel bad for not doing those things as you expect him to do. "Dropping hints" is not teaching him. "Leading by example" is teaching. If you start making things like that for people you know and love, then he will pickup on it, and learn from you. Crafty things like this don't come naturally to boys, they need to be taught.

I suggest you and he go to Michael's together and buy a bead kit and card kit (or make your own kits). DON'T tell him that they are for him to make gifts, just tell him that you need these in the house in case YOU forget to get a card or gift for someone, then you'll have something to make. Tell him him that he canuse the kits, too, if he ever needs to :o)

When you get home, make sure everything is already opened and unpackaged, etc... make sure you have everything YOU would need to make something. Then ask your son to "put it away" for you in the closet. This way, he knows where it is and what it's for. If you can find an occassion to use it right away, it would be great. This way you can show him how easy it is to make things. You never know, maybe you could have your first Mother's Day necklace from him.

Please teach him to do things for people out of LOVE not obligation. By telling him how much he's disappointing you during the Holidays & Birthdays really hurts him and makes him feel like he's failed you. He may grow up buying things to "please you" instead of buying things out of love for you.

Try to lead by example, K.. If it fails, don't blame him for it. It's really not a 'boys' thing to be crafty. You might have to prepare yourself for not getting things like you made your mother. You shouldn't be resentful for it either. Remember, he's just a boy.

Blessings to your heart and his.

:o) N.

My husband, who is quite older than ten, gets a card for me and a gift that I like. The problem? I really wanted a birthday cake. So last year I called a couple of friends/family, invited them over and made my own cake which I then had the kids decorate. I plan on doing the same again this year. If you don't take care of yourself, who will?

My other suggestion: next year arrange for a family friend to take your son shopping. He'll choose a gift, you'll get a gift he chose. Everyone's happy.

Happy Birthday!

Please don't send him to therapy and don't give him a taste of his own medicine, that's just wrong, I'm begging you. You will really hurt him and you too will be hurt and he will never forget that. He is ONLY 10 yrs. old and boys have got other things on their mind. My son was the same way and it never bothered me much. My husband did have to remind him and take him out to get something and that's ok. Even at 13 he sometimes still needs to be reminded. My son is very thoughtful and such a sweet heart, but he is a boy/guy. Boys are much different and think much differently. He will get it one day, just be patient.

K. B.,

I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time with this. However, your son is a boy and a child. He is not a husband, grown-up relative or friend! You talked about how he is doing well in all other areas. This is such a small, sad thing to put so much energy into. The dropping hints, being upset, etc. seems like games we might play on a spouse, not a child. You are his mother, and he is only 10. You can't rely on him to comfort and take care of you - you must do that for him with out expectation in return. As a parent who values acknowledgment of special occasions, you must continue to model that for him and hope that someday he will have learned from your good example and will shower affection and attention on his wife and children. That should be the goal. Life is too short to get wrapped up in little things like this. A birthday is just a day on the calendar. Through his good behavior and easy nature he is showing you love and validating your efforts every day of the year. I am sure things are hard. And I am sure they are very hard for him. Put all your energy into supporting him and you will feel better through doing it. Also - I just took the time to read some of the other advice and I have to say that not giving a 10 year old a birthday to teach him a lesson is horrible! I hope you will disregard that hurtful suggestion!

K.,
You must quit expecting your son to act as an adult. At ten, he is a child. I would not expect a card from him until he is at least 30. A cup of tea in bed?

My nine year old hates to give hugs. We insist that he give us one hug a day.

To build on the Love Languages book comments (great book, BTW), how does he show love? Notice and reinforce what he does do.

He is only 10. If he forgets your birthday when he's 20, that's different. For now, teach him how to observe other people's birthdays (have him make them a card and go shopping or whatever). For your own birthday, give him a little direction. Say, "Tomorrow is my birthday. We are going out to dinner. I'd like you to make me a card or give me a gift. Do you want to go shopping now or make the card now?" Do this for another 5 years. I still have to do this for my husband, only a little more subltly.

Women are from Venus, men are from Mars!! Of course as a little girl you wanted to be a gift giver. Little boys, like most men, have to be propelled into it. Please don't think gifts are love, they are obligations in their eyes. You have a little boy who gives you no trouble, is easy to be with and no discipline problems, dwell on that please. My daughter at ten couldn't give me enough notes, and flowers picked on the way home, I can't remember anything from my boys when they were ten. I know this sounds harsh, but I knew my boys loved me, that's all you need to know.

Hi K.

I think the biggest thing you could do to help with this problem is to get yourself more adult support. You mention not having a lot in the area, and I think if you address this issue, you could take some of the pressure off your son.

I don't think you should read too much into his failure to meet your expectation around gifts, given his age. I do not think it is the case that you have failed as a parent because he doesn't get this: I think its just his age. I think you are placing too large an expectation on him (not because we shouldn't have expectations for our kids to demonstrate *good behavior* but because you are expecting him to satisfy an emotional longing in yourself).

You can teach him to do things for others (including you) by planning and executing with him, but I would remove the expectation that he give gifts as a surprise or in response to hints. Even my adult husband was not good at this, and I had to accept that he was great at showing love and affection in other areas, just not great at holiday-related gifts. If I want something specific, I tell him, and put aside fantasies about him "reading my mind." If it takes training to get an adult man to do this, I don't think we can expect 10 year old boys to be there.

Best of luck to you. You sound like a very loving mother.
S.

How old are you? To me my children are gift enough. They do not have to make me or buy me anything. You should be happy to just see his smile. From what you said he is a good child so get over it. He is only 10. That is a child not an adult. I feel you are putting stress on this child that is unnecessary.For your bday take yourself out with your son to a nice lunch or ice cream to celebrate.

I hate to say this but he IS a boy. I don't know why (and I'm a Marriage Family Therapist!) but men and BOYS just don't look at special holidays like women do. Is this society's influence or are we really wired differently? I have a GREAT husband, thoughtful, kind, cooks, helps with cleaning,does laundry, and a great son (who is now 21 and is in college) and neither one of them even acknowledges mother's day or birthdays unless I mention it. It's weird. But I never criticize and just remind them people like to be appreciated and acknowledged. Sometimes my husband surprises me with flowers just for no reason. Be a good role model to your son. Don't nag and don't make him feel like there's something wrong with him. Either he'll pick up on this or he won't. Continue to recognize his birthday and other family members, too. I understand it is hurtful and you feel unappreciated. Also, kids tend to be very egocentric...meaning it's all about them and teens are this way too. Hopefully with your guidance and example he'll learn it is important to recognize other's birthdays.
Debbie
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

I have the same problem with my son and he is 14. However, ever since my divorce from his father (he was 4) I have made him go out and get me a gift. When he was small, I asked friends to go shopping with us, I'd slip them a 20 and they'd take him in the same store we were in and help him pick something out for me. When he was a little older, we'd go to a large store and I'd let him go find something with money I'd give him (maybe that's wrong, but I didn't give him an allowence) so he could pick something out and pay for it himself. Now, he is 14 almost 15, he still doesn't go out of his way to get me a gift, but he doesn't do it for others as well (i.e. his father, stepmother, etc.) He will get something if you remind him when you are at the store, or if you constantly remind him. I just keep hoping that something will sink in for when he is older. I was the same way with my mother and she doesn't have any of the "treasures" any longer, it never stopped me from wanting to give them to her - my son is just not that way. I think it is the generation of selfishness. I don't think you've done anything wrong. It takes time and you have to be the one to say, "Ok, you are going to make a card for mommy's birthday." Or "We are going to the store tomorrow to get mommy a birthday gift, please start thinking about what you are going to get me for my birthday." We have the "wonderful" ability to blame ourselves for our childrens "short comings". I think we need to accept this fact about our children and work with it the same as any other idiosyncracies they may have. I hope this helps.

He's a male and a child. I think it's way too much for you to ask him to do this. It's not right. Gifts should be from the heart. If you're forced to make/give a gift just becuase someone threw a tantrum becuase you didn't, will make the gift not worth anything. I'm thinking you don't have a man in your house, becuase of this post. I would be careful with your son. He's not a girl. If it was a daughter, you would have tons of home meade things. Boys are different. It's not bad, just male. And he should not be in therapy for being a male as well as a child. Please don't force him to be your source of male attention either. And please don't dare skip his birthday, it is not his job to take care of your emotional needs. This post seems very damaging to this child.

There certainly IS advice on this one.

For me, I have never wanted much in the way of gifts, and the main thing I have ever wanted as a gift is something from the kids, usually something they have made and a homemade card from them makes me perfectly happy. Here is what I have learned about the subject:

Girls are WAY better than boys on this one. Remember, girls are the nurturers. That's why we are moms. That is why you liked to do this as a child and your son isn't inspired the same way. I have 2 sons and a daughter and she has always been a big gift giver and the boys couldn't care less.

Parents are supposed to be the teachers to their children about the rules of gift giving, and this is where it is really helpful to have another parent who is supposed to be the one to get them organized about giving a gift to the other parent. That is how they learn, over the years. (This brings up a personal issue with me that even though my husband should by now know that all I want is a card from the kids, this past birthday is the FIRST time he ever actually organized it. All the other times I had to do it myself.)

Since my stupid husband (sorry, I still haven't forgiven him on this subject) would never get the kids to make me a card, I have been very proactive over the years about making them make me one. Like I said, my daughter does it on her own, but even though I know my boys love me A LOT, they wouldn't do it unless I constantly bugged them. So I do. A week before my birthday I say, "Guess what special day is coming up in a week?" and I say this every day until my birthday. Then on my birthday I give them similar hints all day long about how mommy loves a card. (My boys are 14 and 18, by the way.) And by the end of the day I have my card.

Your boy LOVES you. Don't be hurt by this. Just keep teaching him so that one day when he becomes an adult it will hopefully be fully ingrained, and understand that the gift he comes up with, even though you had to remind him about it, still means a lot.

P.S. - After reading Nicole's advice, above, I need to add this to my post: when I drop hints and remind my children about my card, I do it in a HUMOROUS way, not a manipulative/whiny/annoying/martyr way. Humor goes a long way with kids. I teach them by example all the time.

Don't take it personally, sometimes boys are just a little on the thoughtless side - I'm sure your son loves you with all his heart, but they tend to be a little spoiled and self centered at his age. I have raised 2 sons on my own and I know what I'm talking about. My sons are both great men and very caring sons. If you have discussed this with your son and told him how it hurts you when you don't even get a handwritten note or card, then maybe it's time for a little action on your part. The next holiday that comes up when you usually make it special for him - don't - if he mentions anything to you, just tell him that you understand that holidays and cards don't mean that much to him, because he never gives you one, so you thought it really didn't matter to him and that's why you didn't get him anything - he will be mad and upset - but believe me, he will make sure you have a card or something for the next hoilday that comes up.

Dear K.,

I'm sorry you're hurting. My first thought is that he's male and he's only 10. Second thought is of a book I've heard of (but not read) that is about (I think) 5 ways of saying I Love You and how each of us generally receives or gives love messages in one of those five ways. It seems for you, giving a gift is your way of saying I love you, and receiving a gift from someone tells you they love you. Other people are huggers and kissers, or they express love through touch. Some need the words (my husband does - he tells me he loves me about 8 times a day - - partly so he can hear me say it back because he needs my words). Some by "doing" - fixing things, helping to clean up, some form of work or activity that should bless you or help you, etc.

So from that, I would venture to say that your son probably does not express love through gifts (and probably doesn't feel love from receiving them either). It is disappointing when those close to us don't feel the same way we do, or express love the same way. But if we can figure out what they need and give it to them in their way, at some point, hopefully we can help them to know our need as well.

Also, since he's only 10 and has no Dad to teach/guide/help him in that area, I feel you'll have to be brave and trust that he DOES love you, but doesn't yet know to express it in the way that is important to you.

I hope you have someone in your life (a sibling? Mom?) that you could talk to and ask them to help your son learn what you need from him and to take him shopping for that purpose. Thoughtfulness is in the nature/personality of some people, but I think most of us grow into it - it's more of a maturity thing than an inborn thing.

Good luck and God bless you. I hope you can get some healing from the words of your Mamasource friends.

K.

Hi K.,

I don't want to make you feel badly in anyway because it's always great to acknowledge your feelings, but I think that you are expecting too much from your son. It sounds like your insecurity's are getting the best of you.

You have to remember that kids know the difference between right and wrong, but at that age can't implement that yet.

Maybe another way to go about celebrating your birthday is you make it a big deal the way you make his a big deal. You make a family dinner. Give him the materials before dinner and tell him to make a special bday card to present at dinner time. If you make it a positive then you won't make him feel guilty or badly and you get the acknowledgement that you want or need. Then in turn he will be really proud to show you what he made without the pressure of disappionting you. Later in life his wife will thank you for raising such a considerate son!

It's easier on me cause I have a spouse that does that with my kids when it's my bday and visa versa. Sounds like you need to do that for yourself until your son does it on his own. He'll probably do stuff like that at the age of 13yrs old.

Good luck and I hope that helps!

Give him a break he is 10 years old. How about plaining on going out to dinner for your birthday every year and tell him that is what you are going to do. If he gets you something fine, if not get the dessert and have the staff and him sing you happy birthday. It will be a nice tradition for you and your son to look forward to every year. You will have something special for yourself with your son and if he knows that is something you are going to do every year. I bet one year he will get you a card or gift. If not then you are making yourself and your son some wonderful memories.

Hi, K.;
You haven't done anything wrong. Some people do not see gift-giving as the way to show love. (And some are just guys! :) ) Some show love by doing services for another. Some give words of praise, and so on. When my son didn't catch on by 12 years old or so, I told his dad that he had to teach our son how to do that. That as his mother I was to be honored, (not worshiped or anything!) and it would sound better explained by someone other than me! A few years later, still not good results, so I decided to teach him myself. I explained that as his mother I was to receive certain acknowledgment, and this was how he was going to do it. Not because other wise I would cry, but because it was right. And because in his future it would not go well with him if he treated a wife like this. I would sit down and teach him the different ways a person can give, and even take him to the store before the holidays or birthday and show him the three things to chose from. And say you will meet him in 15 minutes at the front of the store. He can have it gift wrapped if he wants. No handing you the bag with gift and receipt on the way back to the car!! Please treat this as a gentle "Let me instruct you" situation, not "If you really loved me" thing! I know it takes the fun out of receiving for a few years, but someone has to teach him. This is a social skill you as mom need to make sure he knows. Not a barometer about how much he loves you. Is there someone you can have take him aside and teach this to? That would be best, if it gets done. Otherwise, it may be something you have to do. (And reminding him about how great you make HIS birthday might reach him.) My son is 17 now and no one has to tell him to do it, or how or when. So it is just something to teach him. Be patient, and don't give up. J.

K., hi:

are you going through some personal problems? do you have friends? a lover? groups of friends that do different activities? did you have the same issues with your son's father?

please do not make your son responsible for recognizing your birthday or days that are special to you... enjoy him, because it sounds to me as if you want him to give you pads on the back for raising him.....

i am sure he loves you, and just because he does not give you the things you want, does not mean he does not care about your feelings..... and by the same token if you give him "hints" repeatedly, it sounds to him like you are imposing on him....

i have three boys, and they are all so different from each other, that i used to do crafts with them when they were little, and as soon as they grew they stopped doing so many activities with me and have their own friends, soccer teams ..... ans so the crafting went as a thing of the past... is just a part of growing up and different personalities...

we love and raise our kids to be who they are, be happy and enjoy their time with you, because soon they go to college and probably will not call you for months! and does not mean they do not love or care about you.... i know, i was one of those teens... and now my mom and i are very close... i have good friends, a great husband, and many groups of people that we share activities like art and fun together.....

take the time to built those relationships and give your son a chance to just be him self, with out any pressure from you...
enjoy him and enjoy your life! is beautiful..
warmly,
sandy

I'm sorry that he missed your birthday. I don't think its anything you've done wrong. Maybe its just his age? Or maybe he should just get a taste of his own medicine...I mean, it sounds like he doesn't appreciate all you do for him??? My brother is the same way with my mother and it hurts her too. It doesn't sound like "dropping hints" works for him. I think he needs a more direct approach. Good luck and happy birthday :)

The only thing you have done wrong is given up on teaching your son about gift giving. There is still time...heck, there's still time till the day he leaves home for his own home. When your birthday draws near you simply take him to the mall/store/whereever and you tell him taht he is "taking you shopping for" your gift. The proceed to have him help you pick out a gift for you. Once you get into the store and ask him what he would get you if he were there alone. Then follow his lead. If he has no clue then sort of just wander the store till you come upon stuff he may like for you. The main thing is to let him pick it out. Explain that soon he will need to be able to do this sort of thing himself by himself so you thought it was time to teach him how. Even show him how to pick out cards and gift wrap. Now...when it comes to the next holiday in your house..whether for a friend or family member, have HIM do the picking out and gift wrap/card selections. Then when it comes time for Christmas ask him to write out a list of things he would like and then you do the same, exchange the lists and each of you pick out one item from the list...then go shopping. Hopefully whatever the two of you pick can be done in the same store so you can go together and then buy and wrap separately. You may need to do this for a couple of years before he will be able to do it on his own but the training NOW for him will be a blessing later on in life when he wants to be able to pick out gifts for his wife, kids, and of course, you when he's an adult. So take the time to do it now and he may learn to love the excitment of gift giving...or at least become practiced enough to do it on his own.

C.

It appears your emotional needs are not being met, and it is unfair to ask a child to meet those needs. Your son sounds terrific and he is already trying to please you with his good grades and little discipline issues. He sounds like he really loves his Mom. Are there other ways you can feel validated? How about joining a womens group, or a sporting team, book club- something that allows you to feel worthwhile. If the feelings continue, you may want to seek help from a codependency group and discover the steps to self fulfillment. The only person that can make you happy is yourself- try to get some support for this.

K.,
Pick up the book "the 5 languages of love". You will find right off the bat that your love language is "gifts of giving". this is how you show your love and how you need to be shown love. Clearly your son does not have a strong constitution with this particular language. Read the book and try to figure out his love language. Discuss these languages with him and share with him. Ask him what he feels his love language is and then try to show him love with what you both feel his love language is. See if that doesn't help him to start showing you how he loves your through your love language.
Best of Luck and hang in there.
K.

Hi K., Many Blessings for a happy Birthday, I know it hurts I have 2 boys and my husban and unless I pout whine or some other immature thing they would forget too- Now after 8 years of marriage I get stuff but it always seems labored.... They are Boys and unless WE women teach them to CARE and Share they won't... treat yourself and ask him... to express a birthday wish for you-just ask and you shall recieve it -at least he is amiable-Lots of blessings and not lots of junk... mom of Boys

He's ten. He's a boy. He's a good boy. He's distracted and going through a lot of change in his body and mind at this age. It's called the 10-year change and is well documented and totally age-appropriate.
Have glass of wine and call a girl-friend, and take a bubble bath, some more wine and some chocolate(or whatever equivalent you like to spoil yourself a bit).
Then count your blessings on what a wonderful boy you have. He'll be fine. He'll with fondness remember all the celebrations you did for him growing up. He'll remember your birthday when he matures.
Good venting, though!

Hi K.,

I don't think your son realizes how important this is to you until you are hurt. At 10, I think my Mom reminded my son about my birthday. I would give him more time!!!!

One of the biggest lesson's I've learned was about love languages. There is a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages which explains this very well. In short the five way's people show they care are: Quality time, Words of affirmation, Gifts, Acts of service and Physical touch. There are no love languages that are more important than others (unless they are the way's you show love.) I am like your son, I would rather get together (quality time) with my friends for dinner than have a big party with all the presents. My love languages are Quality time and Acts of service. It sounds like one of yours is Gifts. I have a friend who's love language is gifts, she puts a lot of thought and effort into the gifts she gives and expects it in return......I feel the pressure and feel forced into shopping (which is something I don't like to do). She not only purchases gifts for me, she also buys for my husband and son. I don't look forward to the holidays and shopping for people I have no idea what they would like. I don't mind purchasing something that I know she would like but don't like being required to buy something because of a holiday. At Christmas, I bake cookies(acts of service)and give platters of them to my neighbors and friends.

My husbands love languages are Words of affirmation and Physical touch. Luckily gifts isn't one of the main love languages for either of us. My husband and I have agreed to not purchase gifts for each other but we spend the day together instead. We usually buy things as we need them instead of waiting for holidays. Is there a compromise you could make with your son that you would be happy with?

Sometimes we just have to be happy with the good things in our life, instead of looking at what we don't have. I would rather have a good kid than have a bad one that remembers me on holidays!! Have you tried forgetting his birthday to let him see how it feels?

Good Luck,
L.

Seems to me lots of parents, if not most of the parents I know, only get gifts from their kids if someone helps the kids--even older kids than yours. And it's a fine thing for a child to learn to do, but better if someone else helps him on your birthday--can you recruit your mom to help him get a simple gift together? Or another family member, or a close friend of yours who he trusts and likes? Or ask his teacher, if there's no one else? Happy Birthday!

You haven't done anything wrong in raising your son. He actually sounds very thoughtful in his own way. The fact that he acknowledges your moods and acts on them shows great empathy for a ten year old. That said - children are all about "me". They don't usually center their attention around anyone else for any reason most of the time. It's their nature, as aggravated and disappointed as it can make us feel sometimes. Your son is watching and learning from your good example, it will just be a few more years before he puts those skills into practice.

In sympathy let me add that I just had a birthday and not one of my children (or my mother) on their own spontaneously wished me a happy birthday. Or made a cake, or sang happy birthday. Oh, they got me a gift. Their dad took them to the candy store and had them buy some of my favorite candy with their own money. Get this, when I sincerely thanked them for their thoughtfulness and sacrafice for my present all each of them had to say was that dad made them pay five dollars for it and now they only had $$ left. I just sighed inwardly and hugged them outwardly. I know they love me. I actually wished he had not done that. I did thank them and praise them repeatedly trying to make a positive memory out it. I would rather have had some homemade cards, even if I had to get out the art supplies and sit them down to do it (that's what usually happens and I have four DAUGHTERS). Girls can be more generous gift givers, but not always. I am still hearing about that five dollars from some of them.

Unfortunatly sometimes there is no one to "mother" the mother. We have to make our own special days and show our children that we respect, love and treat ourselves because we are worth it. This coming mother's day, plan what you want to do and take your son along. Give him an assignment that he can handle to contribute to your plans, ie making a dessert, helping clean, making a card, picking out some flowers. This way you get acknowledgement and he can feel successful in helping you have a happy day.

Happy belated birthday. Love your son and love yourself.

Hi K., well you've got your work cut out reading all the reply's and if you have time for one more I thought I'd share what I've done with my kids. I have helped my kids have giving situations. Such as since they were very little pointing out things they could do to help someone like holding a door open, picking up a droped item for someone , to saying "lets pick these flowers for our special neighbor" or maybe you give that drawing to so and so. Now that they are older for my son he loves baseball card collecting so he and I very inexpensivly gathered supplies for his friends to start collecting and one by one we surprised them randomly, just because.I think the most important part is following up with talking about how the person felt by their kindness. To put words to it like, "did you see how big their smile was and how much joy you gave that person by such a simple thing as flowers?" "And how do you feel inside about that?" We no longer do birthday parties starting at around 8 yrs old but we still have parties. After all what kid dosn't love a big group of kids. For my daughter we host a couple times a year an American girl doll theme tea party where we do crafts and play games eat yummy food. Everyone goes home with something they made for their dolls. For my son we do sport theme. Cook up hot dogs ,play and watch sports, trade sports cards and we always have small bags of cards for him to give his friends. When someone dose something nice for them we talk about how that person took special time and or thought for them and how dose that feel inside because that is where the true gift lies. In that feeling in our heart.So I believe by doing this they now know the words to the feelings and better understand the true gift of being givers. We talk of how it is better to give then to recieve and that it's not the gift but the thought behind it . So in your situation I would seek out every area in his life that you can help nurture this gift of giving. Have him help make cookies for someone, pick flowers to share with someone. Help him have a party for his friends. He helps come up with the idea's that his friends would like and helps put it together.Voleenter together. At Christmas we help with toys for tots sorting toys for children. My children look forward to this every year. Make it an important part of who you are and he will discover the a true heart for giving. Best wishes, R.

The only way to change this situation is to change yourself. You want something; then realize you are the creator, orchestrate it. Get a friend to take your son shopping and pick out something for you. Coach your friend on what you want or want to see happen and let the creative forces take over.

My son never remembered my birthday or to get me a present for any occasion. My daughter was constantly drawing me pictures and making me things. She was an artist, my son was a busy kid playing. Both are great kids.

Don't be looking for your son to fill the void you feel and make him be responsible to make you feel special. That is a tall burden for a kid. You are making him responsible for you feelings. Then you are acting sad so he knows he failed. It is not his responsibility to babysit your feelings. The message you are sending him is "He is not enough". He should just be 10 and be allowed to love you in his own kid way. YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL SPECIAL. Throw yourself a great party and invite your friends and have fun. Or do what I did.

I was divorced and had no friends really as family lived on the other coast. What I would do with my kids is get all festive and joyous and tell them we were going out for my Birthday Dinner! They would be happy and excited and I would take them out to a special kid place that I liked too, like Sizzler, or Chevys and then to a Kid movie. That was my birthday and it was great because we did it together. They had a good time and that was enough.

Look for the everyday things your son does that make you smile. And Tell him that!
Good Luck,
Gale

I can understand that your feelings are hurt and that you don't want him to be this way his entire life. Have you asked him how he would feel if you didn't do anything for his Birthday, Christmas etc.? He may get it if you explain it that way. Good luck, and let us know how it works out.

You have done nothing wrong--the plain truth s--He's a BOY! They don't think about these things. I too spent hours crafting and making gifts for my mother--because I'm a girl. We are just like that and most boys just aren't.

I don't mean to sound harsh...but why is it that you feel you need this from him so bad? It is totally natural for a 10 year old child to not give a second thought to getting gifts for you. It has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that he is 10 years old and just doesn't consume himself with such things. My suggestion would be to start building other relationships in your life where this need can be fulfilled and not look to your child for this fulfillment. Being a mom is NOT a give-and-take scenario....it is a give-give scenario (with you doing all the giving).

Again, don't mean to sound harsh....just trying to help!

Hi K..

As you know, being a mom is the hardest, yet can be the most rewarding job you'll ever have. You son sounds like a good kid who means no harm. Please know I do not either when I say -- it is not up to your son to make you happy. Your mom did the right thing by helping him out. Had your son ignored her and insisted on not saying anything, or still didn't say anything, then you'd have cause for concern. This didn't happen. He was apparently happy to wish you a Happy Birthday...

It is NOT unusual for children to forget even the most important things. He loves you. You love him. You have not done anything 'wrong' by -what you think- is not having made him more thoughtful. He's just a kid. Your nagging him to show affection will just drive him away as he gets older. Be happy to cuddle with him while he's still young. Get him to talk with you now so he will when he gets older. AND, be happy when he shares with you.

It's -your- birthday find a way to celebrate that does not cause guilt and misery for both of you. He is not your substitute boyfriend who, as an adult, you could have some expectation of remembering. But even then...Remember, the only person -responsible- for our happiness is ourselves.

You are choosing to find unhappiness in your life, focused it on your birthday as a symbol of the measure of love you have going, and then somehow your young son, your apparent last bastion of hope, got the brunt of your disappointment with your life.

Chin up girl! Make friends and/or take your son to play some basketball. (Kids feel the closest to their parents when they are playing a game with them!) Birthdays can be way too tough on us when we use them as a yardstick...Again, your mom hung in with you -- be sure to thank her.

Wish I knew the answer to that question. I am fortunate that my kids like to make a big deal about birthdays. However, I have a 33 year old brother-in-law that is just like your son. I have seen how it hurts other family memeber's feelings. I guess there are some that are oblivious to things like that. Maybe if you acted like you forgot his birthday he might get how it feels.

Well, everyone does not show love or appreciation in the same way and eveyone does not feel loved or appreciated in the same way either. There is a book I am currently reading and there are others along the same line, it is called The FIVE Love Languages of Teenagers and there is other books that may apply to your sons age better, but it explains that all of us have a primary love language that we speak and your son may not think that there is anything wrong with not giving gifts if that is not his primary love language. To your son spending quality time with you may be the best gift in the world, or telling you what a great job your doing, doing things for you, or a physical touch is his way of showing people that he truly cares. We all have our own way of showing others love and our own idea of the perfect gift and maybe he is giving you the perfect gift in his mind and you do not see it the same as him, he may also not yet see the importance of someone's birthday, he may think that by doning the things he does on a daily basis and being the amazing young man that he sounds like is a wonderful gift that you receive daily.He is only 10 and he needs time to grow and mature on is own with your loving guidance.KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK and do not sweat the small stuff, is this really the worst that could be happening?

Dear K.,

You're venting--and that O.K.! If your son is how you describe him, he gives you a gift everyday just by the way he behaves. Also, he's only TEN and should not be made to feel guilty about your birthday. Many people to not make a big deal out of gift giving on specific holidays or birthdays, yet are still very loving and generous in other ways all year long. Give him a couple of years, and pamper yourself on your birthday and Mother's Day too. I believe he'll come around on his own once the pressure of OFF!

Happy Birthday K., I hope you had a good birthdate...eventhough your son didn't give you anything. But that's ok, your son is your gift for life. He sounds like a very good boy. Count your blessings for he is with you and he is healthy and doing well in school, what more can you ask for. Maybe one year he'll surprise you and make you a card or something, but for now let it go, don't dwell. Cherish your moments with your son. Don't expect your son to make you feel happy, that's a grown up thing. It's not the end of the world and things could be worse.

first of all, I am not you so I can't totally understand how you feel and I acknowledge that but right off the top of my head I would say

he's stil only ten
he's a child
you're the adult - maybe he just is not onthe same page as you

maybe the fact that he's a great kid is a gift right now

my grandchildren live next door to me and I know this sounds fake but when they have hurt my feelings which is rare or if they don't think to say something about Christmas or birthday to me or grappa or MY mother, their great grandmother, I softly put them through the experience - of what can you say to........(whomever and gvie them a hint and for my .......I might say just outright --- can you give me a hug for my birthday? - or can you tell me happy birthday? andthen I ACCEPT thatas thegift for just this moment and then if they EVER respond ot offer words of endearment to anyone I praise that like crazy and little by litte - nothing happens quickly --- I cansee the results are good...

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!
B.

Hi K.!
You sound like a very thoughtful person and this will be very, very difficult for you to do, just once, don't celebrate his birthday. Put him in the same emotional state you've been put in by him. It's a very hard lesson both ways but you will definitely find out if he does care or not. So be prepared if he does get hurt or he doesn't care. Some kids can SEE how it hurts but they can't FEEL how it hurts. I know and don't know how it is to be single but I have a friend who does the exact same thing for her two sons. The guilt is overwhelming and you feel you have to do everything to make their lives happy but in reality, you're not teaching them a thing about giving happiness to others. With my friend, anything you do for or give her sons, she's the one who thanks you, not them. Don't teach your son this because this falls in the same lines of not remembering your birthday, especially when you're the only one he has! Just recently my friend has been getting a text-message "Happy Birthday" from her eldest son who is 19 years old. Don't wait this long to teach your son a great lesson in life. It's not only about a simple Happy Birthday wish, but this is the beginning of showing a loved one you care.
I'm not sure if this was where you're coming from? But I hope it helps.

Well, my husband is the same way...very generous overall, but not a birthday-whoop-de-doo kind of guy.

Here's what I do. I sit down and plan a fun day for myself...part of it with my family, and part of it to myself. Then I let them know what I would like to do, and what they need to do to contribute. Husband takes care of the kids while I relax, the kids make a card for me at some point during the day, husband takes me out for a meal, whatever.

I just *tell* people what I would like them to do to make me happy. It works much better than dropping hints or expecting them to read my mind, and then feeling disappointed and depressed about it. I did that for a long time. Now I just speak up.

So for you and your son, maybe you just say, "We're going out for a special dinner to celebrate my birthday. I'd like to go to X restaurant, and then do Y afterwards. Bring a sweater!"

You organize what you want to do, he comes along and helps you make it special.

Also, honestly...he's a little 10 year old boy. He's not your boyfriend, or even your daughter, you know? Expecting him to make you feel extra-special on your birthday might be a bit much.

It sounds like you are making this into kind of a passive-aggressive power struggle with him and he is rebelling against you. It is odd that he doesn't even tell you "Happy birthday". That part sounds like he thinks you have been nagging him about it, so he's refusing to comply.

So just drop all the expectations, stop hinting around, and make some plans. Make your own day special and invite him along to enjoy it with you. You're his mom, not his wife, you know? YOU run the show.

I have 3 sons (18, 15 1nd 12 ) and still sometimes they "forgot " about my birthday ...But is it really so important ??? You know, when i think about it..no!
All year long my boys show me how much they love me.My 12 years old prepares breakfast for me and my husband whenever he feels like it. My 15 years old help me by unloading the car ( groceries) without me asking and my 18 years old ( in college) call me just to say : Hi mom how are you? take care of you..
So let me ask you ...what's a birthday ?..
Enjoy your son, give him time, don't push him to be an adult before time. Love him, show him that you care about him. On your birthday take him out for lunch or dinner, show him how happy and proud you are to be with him. I know that you said you are hoping for little things like a cup of tea in bed. You know he is 10 years old..don't expect things like this from a kid. For some kids the parent's bedroom is like "sacred" Time your love and your patience will make miracles on him.
Again, don't expect him to be and act like an adult!

I took the time to read some of the other letters and I have to say that not giving a 10 year old a birthday to teach him a lesson is not good! It will mean : mom doesn't care about me. I don't think you want him to feel like this.

Im sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like you want your son to be your commpanion; he is not an adult nor a male commpaion for you he is a 10 year old boy thats discovering girls, friends,sports and so forth. If it makes you feel any better i have to drop the same amount of hints for my husband and when we talked about it he just said "sorry sweetie charge it to my head not my heart". Dont take it as your son doesnt love you or he doesnt care i think its just a male thing:-) also we as parents want the same amount of love that we dish out but reality is,is some kids deal with things in different ways and we cant get mad or make our children feel bad if they dont wake up jumping up and down on our beds at 6am screaming Happy Birthday......thats what were there for, to do it for them!

Hi K.,
First off let me acknowlege it is very painful to not get gifts on special occasions when everyone knows you're supposed to get them.

I would like to suggest "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman Ph.D and Ross Campbell, M.D. They have written before about love languages with adults in mind. The 5 love languages are: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. We each have a primary language in which we show our love, but we all need each language to have a "full tank". To expect your son who speaks fluent Chinese to understand and communicate in your Russian is a little much for a 10 year old. Having said that, why don't you have Grandma, or a friend take your son out shopping and have him buy things he thinks you would like and have them all ready to go for those special occaisons so all he will have to do is go to his little "store" and pick one out for you. You could have an art project day and make a bunch of cards and say "Who do you think would love this one?" Have things on hand so he doesn't have to feel like a failure and you don't have to feel like he doesn't love or appreciate you.

It sounds like you are doing a great job raising a wonderful kid, you just need to make it easier for him to speak your language.

I hope this helps.

Wow, it sounds like you're doing a great job with your son, and doing it on your own must be so difficult! Things are hard enough with two parents, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you by yourself, with no help.

I hate to say it, but I think you're expecting a lot from a 10 year old boy. Most men I know, and these are sensitive, caring, loving guys---forget birthdays and anniversaries. Some are better at using reminders than others, but I don't think it's in their DNA to care as much as we do about these things. Of course, they love the attention when we give them gifts etc; but I don't think they're as hurt as we are if we don't shower them with gifts. Hints can help with adult men, but not even then sometimes, and it's not because they don't care! Some are better than others at remembering these things, of course, but I think it really does come down to the difference between men and women. I find that with most men, it's best to be straightforward and say what you want, whatever it is. Hinting just doesn't register with some guys, they need things spelled out for them, even with the most intelligent and caring of men. I'm sure there are some who will prove my observation wrong, but I think it's such a common thing. There have always been jokes about the guy forgetting the anniversary and the woman being devastated, for ages.

That said, he's just a little boy still, and I know you would love to have him be on top of the gift giving, but it sounds like it's more your own issue than his. You say that you have few friends and no family, could it be that you're expecting him to fill this void for you? I always think it's hard on the kid to be expected to fill an adult role for a parent, even if it's just in this small way.

Don't worry, you haven't done anything wrong. While your feelings are hurt, you're still raising a great kid who does well in school and has no discipline problems. Hurray for you and hurray for him! You're doing a great job raising a great kid. Get your mom to call him and remind him to buy you a present and to say happy birthday. It's what adults do for each other, sisters call their brothers to remind them it's their parents' birthdays, wives remember family birthdays and remind the husbands, etc. It's a long standing tradition that probably has a reason: Men just don't think about these things as much as we do. Let alone little boys.

Hugs to you, I hope you can work something out that both of you can feel good about.

I know the feeling. Growing up, I didn't receive much myself. Im a mother of 3 boys, I never threw birthday parties due to financial problems. My boys say happy birthday, but I dont expect anything from them. Now they are older, I try to buy them a cake, or something they like. This year I took my boys out to eat a day before my birthday. I didn't get a single thank you, but I enjoyed doing something as a family. Im a single mom so its a bit difficult for me.
I know its nice to hear a child recognizes your birthday. My youngest son doesn't even like halloween, he says it feels weird going to peoples houses asking for candy.I took them to church festivals to keep them off the street. He's 12 and that didn't surpise me. I would say boys are different than girls. Its fun when they are younger, as they get older, things change.
When kids come from broken homes, its kinda hard to want so much in life. Some people dont' care much about holidays, but for me family is important.

Hi K..

I am also a single mom with two boys ages 11 and 7. My 7 year-old remembers my birthday, but my 11 year-old doesn't. They are made so differently and . . . they are men! My ex-husband never, in the 16 years we were together, gave me a present for my birthday, Christmas, Valentines day, etc. It really hurt the first few years. Once I had kids I got over it. They are my gift!

The thing I have going for me is that I have family around that will take my boys to get me a present. Now my younger one will even ask my sister to take him shopping (the older one never thinks of it.) I would really suggest you ask a friend to take your son shopping for your birthday. Don't ever expect him to do it on his own. Not all men get it, even when they are older. If you don't have a friend who can do that, you take him shopping. Tell him to pick out something he would want to give you, and then give him the money.

Please understand that he may never grow up to be a giver. Some people just don't have it in them. But always know that even if he doesn't, you are special anyway and as much as it hurts not to be acknowledged, forgive him for it and love him anyway. I know he must hurt to see you hurting, so try to keep it light hearted like, "hey, where's my present?" and if he doesn't have anything tell him it is o.k., just the words "happy birthday" from him would be your present. He'll probably give you a big hug and a "happy birthday."

Keep doing what you do for him and maybe someday you'll get it back, but don't be upset if you don't. Just know he does love you.

Don't feel bad, I have 3 daughters ages 21, 24, and 26. I may get a gift for my birthday or I may not. I have gotten use to it. I still make sure that they have something for thier birthdays and in hopes that they will become more sponsible as they get older. Good luck

Hi K.,
I just wanted to say Happy Birthday! Try to honor yourself for going around the sun ** times. Start some sort of birthday ritual for yourself. I like to get a tarot card reading--I get to review my previous year and see what is coming up. And, I'm sure your mother called you!! Your boy will come around--you just may have to wait another 20 years!

Maybe you could try having your family involved? I know you said they are not geographically close, but maybe you could have your mom teach him to surprise you with little 'I love you' gifts. Just start off small and don't worry about holidays or birthdays. Or maybe his teacher could help encourage him? Also, try doing really big reactions. I know that's more for toddlers but it may work for your 10yr old. Show him how happy or sad you are when he does something nice or forgets you. And maybe you could try doing nice things with him for his friends. Make a card or something with him for one of his close friends just to tell them 'Thanks for being my friend' or 'Good Job' on something. In my family, we've always given what we call 'Sertsees' or 'I love you' presents. Not on any holiday, just because and I feel that is part of why I enjoy giving so much. Anything that you want to learn or teach takes practice. So start small and soon you'll have a giving, thoughtful son (which I'm sure you already have he just needs a little help). I'm sure it's very hard when you are mostly alone and all you'd like is a little recognition from your son or him to show you he's thinking about you. Nothing's worse than having your loved ones not do anything for your own birthday! I'm sorry for that. But, with a little creativity and practice, I'm sure you can change this. Good luck! And Happy Birthday!

I don't know exactly what to tell you since my children are not that age, just 3 1/2 (twins). I did know that I wanted them to be good "givers" and learn the joy giving to others can bring. So we bake cookies and distribute them to neighbors, or we give flowers to a neighbor who gives them treats, they have colored on Valentines that I address and send out to family and their friends, etc. It's bit of work, but I am hopeful that if they see me excited about preparing something special for someone else, and they also get to be a big part of it, that they will likewise learn to be excited (as you described yourself being when making something for your mom). One of my guys really gets it and when we were out in shops at Christmas and around my birthday, he spontaneously picked things out gifts for me and others (like their great-grandma). The other, however, thought I should get nothing because I give too many time outs, but does still like giving to neighbors! :) In any event, maybe involving your son in giving to others with emphasis on how fun it will be, how nice it is, and so forth will help him develop a new awareness. Also, although it may not be all your want, he is still 10, and so perhaps you can actually sit down and guide him (think how many wives do this with their adult husbands!)-- "it's going to be my birthday and I have been thinking that I would really like you to make me a card. I have (go get one at Paper Source, something in a print you like) this box in which I would like to save all my treasures from you." Maybe provide him with a storage box of his own, actually, two, one in which he can save treasures from you (you can also make him cards and things), and another in which you can have a full supply of craft materials so that when a holiday or birthday come up, the materials are on hand and ready to go. Good luck.

Hi K.-
There are a couple of schools of thought on this one. The first is to give him ample example. For his friends' birthdays, his grandparents birthdays, etc, have him sit down and make a card with him. Or take him to the store and ask him to pick out a birthday wish that he would like to send. It may take some time, but leading by example and really showing him how important it is to do this for others may lead him to doing it for you, too.
The 2nd thought is this: He may be forgetful (says I, the Queen of sticky notes). The 2 of you could spend some time together making a calendar of all the special dates on them. On that calendar, also plan dates for making or getting cards and gifts for those people.
The last thought is this: There is a book called the 5 love languages. It was originally intended for couples, but it really helps to bridge the gap between people in general, because people are relational. Example- my primary love language is acts of service. My husbands is gifts. I am not naturally a gift giver and don't think to do things like that for other people. And receiving gifts means much less to me than helping me with yard work or a household project. But to him, a present left on the sofa for when he comes home makes all the difference. He speaks the language of gifts. Your child may be much like me, not understanding the language of gift giving and remembering special dates. Oh sure, I'll say happy birthday and want to do something nice, but then I'll go on with my day. At nearly 28, I have had to figure out what is meaningful to others, and if I want them to know that I love them, I attempt to speak their "love language." Your child is 10. The fact of importance is not an issue. Eventually he will learn that it is important to others to make cards and get gifts. But it is obviously not his primary function. Don't give up hope, though. He can be taught, as I was, that gifts and cards are important.
You are not doing anything wrong. But the 2 of you are going to have to become "bi-lingual" in a sense. Good luck!

This is a hard one because I have a husband who is like that. Christmas, Valentines day, Birthdays, could come and go and usually he will say, well sorry but i didn't get you anything. I have learned to not put hope or importance into those kinds of things. It's hard and I have to continually remind myself that they are just "things". I try to keep focused on what I can do for others and this helps ALOT. It is when I start focusing on me that I start to get hurt or embittered. Women are much better at the gift thing than men, so I do nice little gifts for freinds and many times recieve them back. That helps keep me going! Male's love languages are different from females. They truly don't get, because it is not their love language. It's not one of their top "needs" so they can't grasp that it is yours. I am starting to read a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" which talks about this. It would be good for your son to recognize that women have these different needs, not only for your sake but his future wife's sake as well. A humans basic needs are a strong motivator in relationships, that can make or break them.

Hi K.

OK I think you said he was 10 years old!!! !) 10 year olds have no clue the real meaning and effect of gift giving so dont have him being a carless adult already!! If he was 15 or 16 I might say worry but I have 4 boys and let me say your holidays are not a priority. Do something special for yourself and look at your littl boy as a "gift" not a gift giver yet..he will make it up to you later!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM A FRIEND :o)
C.

I'm so sorry you were disappointed on your birthday. I understand that you may be needing more from him because it is just you and him. But I do think at age 10 it's a lot of pressure to be the one person to make your mother's birthday special. I do have a suggestion though - you could decide what you would really like to do on your birthday, whether it's going for ice cream, having a picnic in the park, or whatever, and then plan a special day with him involved. I think because he's a boy he might not have as much awareness or interest in figuring out how to make you happy on your birthday(this is stereotyping but there is some truth in it!) Give him something very specific that you would like him to do for your birthday and ask him directly. I know men do not take indirect communication well and I'm sure it's the same for boys. Be direct and honest with him. I'm sure he wants you to be happy and would be thankful if you would tell him specifically what he can do. Wait a few more years before expecting that he will take the initiative.

Happy Birthday to you!!!!

I read this book which might help you to understand your child a little better. It is called "The Five Love Languages for Children" by Gary Chapman. You like to receive gifts and that is how you show your love, whether it be a store bought gift or homemade. Your son may not show love in the same manner as you and when he does not, that hurts you. And then of course all I can finally say is he is a boy. Most men won't remember or acknowledge thier significant other's B-day, how can you expect that from your son?? If you like the book, there is a whole series and it is quite fascinating. Take what you can from it!

I know it's mean, but my first thought was to give him a taste of his own medicine. Yes: you've told him how it makes you feel, but perhaps he doesn't realize it, and won't until it truely happens to him. Men don't empathize as well as women do; they have to experience it for themselves to understand. "Forget" his next special day. When he brings it up that it's his special day, let him know that since he doesn't do anything special for you, you figured he didn't like big fusses about holidays. Then make it up to him the next day if you need to.

My 30th birthday was Sunday, and I told my 7 (almost 8) year old step daughter on Saturday what a special day Sunday would be for me. My parents came over for breakfast with the family, and they asked if she knew what special day it was, she drew a complete blank!

Hi K.,

I have to say, growing up I did the same thing to my mom. I cared about her birthday but my dad never said anything about it and so it came and went. I am sorry you are going through this though. It can be very hurtful.

Try giving him all the materials to make you something. Construction paper, pictures of you and him together, glue, stickers, ribbon, markers. Hand it to him and say my birthday is Monday, I was hoping you could be creative and make something special for me. Tell him to write whatever he wants on it. That might work. It won't be a surprise but you know it will come from his heart.

Good luck. I would have loved for my dad to be on top of things and done that for me.

J. in S. San Jose

Dear K.,
Bless you for wanting your son to remember you, and I don't want to sound harsh at all, but his is still a child. He's not an adult and you're expecting him to remember your birthday. My son has to be reminded too. Plan a day (before your birthday) and make a few different cards/fun gifts for other people too. Let him know how cool it would be if he made something for you too. Make up a new tradition between the two of you and make a card for eachother and let it be a surprise. Make if fun for the two of you.
Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen.
Happy Birthday K.. Enjoy it with him.
TT.

Hi K.,

I think Naomi has great advice. Take some initiative instead of expecting him to pick up on the hint. I have spent many birthdays alone and very lonely because I didn't know how to call up a friend and announce how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. Put a plan together and then let your son know you want him to help you celebrate. Last year when my mother asked me what I wanted for my b-day I told her (honestly) that I didn't need any THING, but I'd love to spend the day with her in the capital of our state (an hour away) and look at art galleries and have a nice lunch. This takes the pressure off the other person to try to read your mind or anticipate what you need. You get your needs met AND you learn how to be assertive about it on the one day when you have every excuse to be. Hopefully you also have a really fun day that is centered around enjoying each other's company rather than receiving a material item (although I know those handmade gifts are terribly sweet reminders.) Maybe if you have a plan ahead of time he will be motivated to mark the occasion with some small token as well. It might have more meaning that way. Happy (belated) birthday!

K.,

I think one of the things we all do as parents is compare ourselves to our kids, and often times they have personalities all there own. My thoughts are that your son is very young, he is 10 years old and at 10 it's really not about you. For all intent and purpose he's a "good kid" and what I'm reading is that your some how expecting him to behave the way a Friend or perhaps a partner would, and that's only not fair, it's an added burden for so young.

You ask what have you done wrong, that he is ignoring you and it upsets you, you say your not picky, yet YOU are the adult putting and ADULT agenda on a 10 year old CHILD. And if it's that important to you set it up with a friend ahead of time so that friend can take him shopping.

As a Leadership/Life Coach I spent my first two years working with Families and from my own personal experience as a single parent I do understand that it's easy for the lines to get blurred, as our kids become our primary focus and for some there's an unconcious expectation of the same from them. Children do not have the experience to multi-juggle lifes expectations the way adults do, it's alot for them to remember to do their homework, go to school, tend to day to day living. So again, instead of putting the responsibility on your 10 year old to remember your Birthday be proactive and set it up possibly with another adult to create a win/win.
L. G

Please try to remember he is just a child. The only reason my child (almost 7) remembers most gift giving occasions is because they are celebrated at school (i.e. Christmas & Valentine's Day). His dad and I make sure he remembers the non-school holidays (birthdays, etc.) My son expresses his love for me in subtle ways (a kiss or hug, telling me I look nice, offering to read to me, or opting to spend special time with me. In the end those are the things I will remember most. If your house burned down tomorrow, which would you rather have, your child or the trinkets he made/bout you.

It sounds like you feel unappreciated and taken for granted. You also sound very lonely, and are looking for validation from your 10 year old. That's a lot of pressure to put on a child. I wonder if this is damaging to your child’s self esteem issues in the future. Is there someone you can talk to about how you feel maybe a pastor or a counselor?

Sometimes children just cannot see past themselves. They are incapable of it most times. Also, does he have an example that comes in every holiday and surprises you. I read that it was just you and him. It is not your fault but not his either. Let one person be the designated guide around holidays. You are right to enstill this in him since he will have future relationships that depend upon it. There just needs to be an example.

I am a mother of 20 years with four children (five if you count my other half)

K.

I think this is very unusual and it needs to be dealt with now while he is 10. It may be his unconsious way of hurting you for it just being the two of you and not having a family like other kids. Either way, I think it is his only way for crying for help. He may need a therapist to help him find out why he is doing this. I hope all works out for you and your son.

Hugs, C. M

You didn't mention whether you are married or not. Whether or not you are, your son's father should be making sure your son learns how to treat his mother--he needs to set the example on how to treat women in general. On another note, I am a stepmom to two "boys" who are 29 and 25, and have been since they were very young. I've never, ever received a birthday card of any kind, but do receive a "happy birthday" from the 25 year old who still lives at home (I never hear a thing from the older one). I believe I was a good stepmom, but their mother made it next to impossible for them to appreciate me or my efforts (always a loyalty contest). She also made it absolutely impossible for them to give anything to their father for christmas, his birthday or father's day. (We always made sure they had something for mom for Christmas, her birthday, and mother's day). It is only now that they are adults that he gets any bit of acknowledgment on these holidays.

Don't take it so hard. My husband is a brilliant man, but when it comes to dates, he draws a blank. I have to remind him of when his boys' birthdays are. Our two younger sons (16 and 13) don't make me anything, or get me anything, but they both give me great big birthday hugs and kisses, and give me a neck or foot rub that evening. I think those are great gifts. You'll be doing your best to make him into a thoughtful man if you make sure he is sure to acknowledge other relatives (dad, siblings, etc.) on their special days, and make sure he writes thank you notes when he receives a gift.

Genevieve L couldnt say it any better

K., it's okay to vent a little with friends. It's also okay to ask for advice. There certainly is help for your situation. Have you ever heard of love languages? There are five main love languages. If you do a web search, you will find lots of info. The bottom line is that each person has one or two main ways that they express love. They totally get that particular method of expressing their feelings. Your primary love language is obviously gift giving. The other love languages are words of affirmation, touch, quality time together, and acts of service. Perhaps taking a "test" to see which languages you each "speak" could be helpful. These are just little surveys which give you an idea of what clicks for you. Then, you may find that you have one of these in common. It will also help each of you to under the other's needs. This works for all of the relationships in our lives. Feel free to email me for more info, but there should be plenty of help online and certainly in the book stores. Don't despair, you haven't done anything wrong and your son hasn't either!

Don't be so hard on yourself or your son. I think this is probably pretty normal. Happy Birthday!

K.,

You sound like you are complaining about a husband or boyfriend. You are expecting way too much from a 10 year old child not to mention a boy. Boys, who grow into men, don't make as big a deal out of these things as we women do. In fact, men's and women's brains are wired differently, we women think completely different than men do, so for you to compare yourself a "girl" (as a child) to your "boy" now is completely unfair and actually immature. Not to mention the fact that some people are just not good at remembering birthdays (men, boyfriends,husbands) and do need to be reminded. Yes, your son needs to be taken by the hand and instructed that he is going to the store to buy mom a gift. Your son is 10 years old. Most kids that age need another adult to lead them on gift giving, remembering and celebrating, etc. Yes, he is old enough to make a card for you, but most likely he will need a reminder. If this is the only problem you have with your son consider yourself lucky and don't be such a cry-baby.

He's a male, and 10. Boy's need to be taught how to act and why. There are rewards and consequences for every action we make or neglect to make. If you don't teach him now, how will he act with women later. You need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel when he doesn't acknowledge birthdays and special occassions. If he still doesn't get it, you may want to show him how it feels the next time his birthday comes around. I do know how hard that will be, moms always want the best for their children and we go without so that they can have some of their "wants". This is especially hard with us single moms.

As a single parent of a 9 year-old boy, I can relate to a certain degree. He's always been a flower picker, and when he picked a flower for me it melted my heart. But then he would sometimes get upset when it was time to throw out the wilted brown remains... I have to tell you, the flower picking is happening less and less frequently the older he gets. He's more interested in other kids and what's going on around him now.

You didn't indicate if you work full-time or part-time, but if you're a working single parent, time is probably at a premium for you. Most single working moms have to think ahead and plan and schedule special events well in advance to make sure nothing is missed. Therefore, special occasions are at the forefront of our planning and "things to do" lists. With regard to your son's apparent lack of thoughfullness, remember, children are somewhat self-centered by nature. A 10 year old boy has a whole different set of priorities. Add to that the fact that sometimes boys are not as nurturing by nature as are girls, so gift giving/acknowledgment of special occasions isn't going to hit his radar in the same way as it might with a daughter.

You are fortunate that he's doing well in school, doesn't have any behavior or disciplinary issues, and is generally a good kid. Sounds like you're doing a good job raising him. Kudos to you!!! And whether he displays it in a way that you readily recognize or not, you are the center of his sense of security and well-being, and he undoubtedly loves you very much.

Maybe you could just continue to (occasionally) let him know (in a positive way) how important his acknowledgement of special days is to you. When an occassion arises, tell him about the gifts you made for your mother, and how it makes you feel good to know she's saved those gifts over the years. Tell him you'd like to have some special gifts made or given by him to keep, and to maybe show those gifts to his children some day.

Since you don't have family nearby to help you celebrate special days, you're relying more heavily on the one person closest to you - your 10 year old son. That's probably why it hurts so much when there is no acknowledgement from him. You're counting a lot on him to make the special day special for you.

Have you tried something like a Special Day Calendar? You can create a calendar and have the special days for both of you clearly marked with decorations - stars, flowers, lightening bolts - whatever will stand out and get his attention. Hang it somewhere where it will be clearly visable at a glance and seen daily. That way, special days won't sneak up on him, and you may not have to drop as many hints.

This may or may not make you feel any better, but think about how many grown men there are out there who have to have someone remind them of birthdays and anniversaries, etc, and still sometimes miss them! Maybe if you continue your gentle reminders, he will eventually become one of those guys who DOES remember and acknowledge special days. But if you go overboard, he's going to have a negative connection with special days. Don't want to do that! You are doing what you can to make him a considerate young man. The rest is up to him. Good luck!

Yikes! I'm a little concerned about the gender stereotyping!

Saying that girls are creative and thoughtful and that boys couldn't care less? Probably a bit more accurate to say that some kids couldn't care less and some kids are creative and thoughtful.

Growing up, my brother and I often made things to our parents, whether it was a special occasion or not. I still have cards and paper crafts that my brother (2 years younger than I) made for ME on my birthday or for Christmas. My sister (5 years younger than I) on the other hand, didn't really get into it. She'd participate if my brother and I started a gift or presentation as a group project, but other than that, she was just happy to be on the receiving end for birthdays and holidays. My husband remembers many Birthdays even better than I do, and he's always reminding me that we need to get a card or pick up a gift.

I also think kids go through phases. My daughter, age 5, and other kids in her class, present their work as "gifts" to their parents just about every day. Boys and girls. I'm sure in about 5 years when she's starting 4th grade and there are more important social aspects at school and more things to learn about herself, that this will change. Hopefully I'll still get special cards or crafts for Mother's Day and Christmas etc, but we'll see. :)

Anyway, I'd chalk it up to being a kid. Not to being a boy. When you start projecting that a boy is or has to be one way, and a girl is or has to be another, you just may end up making them that way. Or making them feel very insecure and out of control of their state of being.

Good luck and Happy Birthday!

Your sweet child loves you and this is just not part of how he shows it. It's not personal, it's not any reflection of his feelings toward you or how you raised him. He is enjoying his living moments with you and that is his gift to you. Enjoy all that is good about him, too! You obviously adore him. You are in a special situation without other adults there to consult him on what to do for a birthday. Awkward for you to do it for yourself. Accept that it's just your situation and focus on others' birthdays. Celebrate yourself and show your son how to love life without expecting external praise or others to make you happy, as no one else is responsible for your feelings.

Need help wrapping your mind around accepting this reality which is very okay and very blessed? Read some of the book by Eckhart Tolle (A New Earth, or The Power of Now) - cheesy thought as these are Oprah book club books, but they definitely help you love what you have and not seek praise from others, in particular, from kids who are totally dependent on you for an example, not for care. You're still in the caring role for him. He's fine. And you really are, too. Stop worrying and enjoy!

K.,
You have done nothing wrong. I'm sorry if it seems like he is thoughtless and inconsiderate. He's not. I'm sure he loves you very much. Don't put so much into "special days". It sounds like you are doing a great job with him. He will grow up to be a good man someday. Not now, he's 10. Don't make that poor little boy feel guilt and shame for your sadness. If you want something from him, help him make a card or a treasure for you. Do it together and show him how happy this makes you. You may have to do it every year. That's ok, it really is ok. Sincerely, A.

Hi K.,

Don't be so hard on your son. He sounds like a good kid. Everything you describe sounds like he's just a normal boy. You really can't compare two girls together let alone a boy and a girl. Some boys are sensitive while others are not. Every child is different so it's unfair of you to compare his behavior to what you used to do as a child. You talk about dropping hints - well my husband is 36 and not 10 but he still doesn't pick up on hints. I really think men are big picture oriented and women are more detail oriented - they see the forest and we see trees. It's nice to have this balance when I am too stuck on details. We've been married for over 10 years and I learned early that "hints" don't work. Even straight out telling him what I want registers as hints with him. Yes, it doesn't feel like it's from the heart if you tell him you want something instead of him thinking of it himself but the fact that he listened to your request shows love. Having said all this, I am talking about the role of my husband and not about a 10 year old son. It may sound harsh but I think it would be helpful for you to surround yourself with more adult interaction. There's no doubt your son loves you. It's really unfair for you to upset your son by showing your displeasure in him. It's not that he "couldn't be bothered", he shows your his love for you in his unique way. Give him a big hug and every time he does anything nice (anything at all - even giving you a great big smile and laughing with you) consider that to be your present. After all, wouldn't you agree that he is the biggest present of your life? The particular need you vent about in this message is not for him to fill. He sounds like a perfectly normal 10 year old boy. Please don't put undo pressure on him and push in a way that might backfire when he is a teen.

One thing you might try is to put a desk calendar (the really big ones that have each day as a two inch square) on your front door (or any other very visible place). Put important dates on it. Pick a day of the week, and look ahead with him at the next week. For special events, sit down with him and help him make you a birthday/christmas/easter card, then tape it to the calendar on the day you want to receive it. This will help him in planning for the future as well as reminding him of events.

Start by planning something fun and putting it on the calendar a week or so in advance. Help him look at the calendar daily, and cross of days to the fun event. Then add special days (birthday, etc.) After a few months, maybe add doctor/dentist appointments too. Encourage HIM to add a few events on the calendar. Planning your week gives you something to do together, and gives a sense of anticipation.

Go easy on the number of events you plan while he is only 10, though. If he gets overwhelmed by multiple events a week, he might just tune the calendar out.

Hi K.,

You son sounds like a typical young man. I'm a single mother who has raised a terrific man (32 years old), when my son was young, I wanted him to remember and make/give me special cards. Until he reached his 20, he never did and even now, most of the time I buy my own presents and tell him what he bought me. It is not important for him to show me love the way I think love should be shown. However, he mows the lawn, takes out the trash and once a week we have a dinner date, we talk about almost everything. He lives away from home, he calls everyday to say hello and occasionally still does not buy me presents on special occasions. He shows me he cares in many, many other ways which are not necessarily my way.

It's not about you it is how men in general feel and think, the sooner you realize this sooner you will grow up and not make it about you. Be thankful that he is a good kid and is not in trouble.

You are fantasying how you want your birthday/holidays to be and if they are not what you want them to be, then you get your feelings hurt. Well, K. be thankful you have a healthy child, the worst thing he does is not remember your birthday/holiday the way you fantasize them to be.

You need to volunteer at a shelter, school or library and get out of self, give without expecting something in return. Most of all love your child unconditionally.

Your expectations of your son seem to be a transference of missing adult relationships in your life. Rather than feeling hurt by your son, who is just being a kid, focus on developing relationships with adults whereby it's appropriate to have those types of expectations. Your son may grow to resent you over time if you inappropriately place grown up expectations upon him simply because you are lacking real relationships with people your own age...