Am I the Only One? 1St Year Anniversary

Feelings are never wrong. I just want to say that you will have many anniversaries to come, and the romantic stuff in movies is not what life is made of. In a few days, when you feel a bit less upset, you could speak with him about it, or not. Awkward times come and go, love stays, and things brake, are lost, or are destroyed by children (hee hee). Think of all that he does for you on a daily basis, and remember that men usually don't even remember their own birthdays, let alone their anniversaries.

Dear Kat,

Don't feel bad...I bought my husband a ROLEX (with money I had earned prior to marriage) and my husband got me nothing. We had a newborn and I almost cried. Suffice it to say that he has NEVER short changed me, since...LOL.
I am sorry this happened to you...I've been there.

No, you're not the only one. I think some guys brains are just wired differently. It has happened to me consistently over 10 years of marriage. I know now that if I want something more significant, I just have to tell him about a month before-hand, "If you want some gift ideas for me for anniversary/birthday/Christmas/Valentine's/Mother's Day, I would really like to have..." That seems to do the trick.

I think just remembering is important, though, and on some occasions just a card and his company are enough for me.

Do you feel bad because your disappointed or because he was uncomfortable?

If you were expecting a gift, you have just learned something very important about your husband. You are going to have to ask for what you want. He is NEVER going to really change.

There is nothing negative about it, he is just different from you.

I used to get upset because my husband WOULD give me gifts and we could not afford him.. I told him a card and a nice dinner at home was fine with me.. Once he spent the last $30. we had on a gift for me. I was so angry! It was going to be a week till we got paid! Bless his heart..

Anyway, men are just different about these little anniversaries and special days. You just have to not be subtle, but actually spell it out. They just are wired differently.

My husband agrees with Laurie A. He said he hopes your husband doesn't feel bad that you are disappointed by your anniversary gift. He also said your husband would probably be more than willing to do more if you let him know you wanted more, he just didn't GET IT for this first anniversary. LOL! We always want them to do more without telling them to!

I have to admit I have no idea what 1st anniversary themes are...and I am sure my husband doesn't. We actually "renewed" our vows on our 1st, had a religious ceremony and reception, b/c we legally married at the courthouse originally.

Our trip ("honeymoon") after was paid for by my inlaws, who also babysat, b/c they loved us and our child and wanted to do something special. It is okay if it isn't conventional.

Count your blessings, your husband remembered! and did SOMETHING unprompted! that was from the heart! YAY!!!!! :)

I guess b/c money has always been tight for my adult life and married with kids life, anniversaries/bdays/valentines/xmas have always had a certian
"thrift" to them, so just the acknowledgement has been all that was expected.

You shouldn't feel bad for how you feel, you can't change that and it is more than okay, just make sure you get how your husband feels too, b/c he seems genuine and that is what is important. Happy Anniversary!

It depends on you & your husband's gift expectations. He may need you to tell him what you would like to do for gifts & what you would like.
My husband & I have been married for 10 years this year & have never bought each other big gifts. I don't have any special expectations & if I did I would have to tell my husband what I would want. I usually get flowers, a card & we go to dinner. A few years ago we went to a bed & breakfast while my mom watched our boys. Another time we went to a hotel (our youngest was only a few months old & i was nursing & pumping).
A lot of men need to be told exactly what you want & what you expect.

God bless!

YEs. Giving isn't about recieving. If you bought the watch for him it should have been because you wanted to, not because you wanted something in return.

I think your husband did a good job. = )

I never get anything except for a kiss and him saying Happy Anniversary.

Flowers, card, and dinner ~ it sounds nice to me.

Your entitled to your feelings. However, I don't understand at all why you would be upset. Did you agree that you would exchange gifts? Why do you feel that he needs to spend money on you? I've never expected a gift for my anniversy, I don't even want flowers (although hubby always gets me a card). To me its about our celebrating our love for each other and spending time together.

I agree with others, is not that is wrong is juts that both of you have different ideas. Your husband maybe was thinking how nice and romantic he was being for the flowers and the card.
Maybe you can use this to have a talk about what you wish so this doesn't happen again. However, this things have change.
When we had money I was very happy when my husband give me a nice ring, but when we struggle and he got me expensive flowers I was upset because in my mind I keep think the things I would have rather, like food or save the money, but I know he meant well.
Don't worry about how you felt, let your husband know you appreciate his present (some men don't give nothing at all!) and another time have a talk to him on what you would like next time if possible.
Congrats for your anniversary!

I've been married 18 years. My advice is to appreciate any gesture he makes, make a big deal over the flowers, admire them every day. Display the card somewhere you both can see it for a couple weeks. If you show appreciation for the "little things", then your husband is going to want to do it again. If you say something to the effect of "All I got was flowers?" then I'd bet you don't get flowers again. I made some kind of comment early on in my marriage about how much money hubby spent on flowers (cause I'd be happy with grocery store flowers), and it was several years before I saw flowers again. At that point I started buying myself flowers a few times, so hubby knew that's what I wanted. Now, when he brings/sends me flowers, you better believe I make a big fuss about how beautiful they are and put them in the most prominent place in the house (reinforcement goes a long way.) But if it's a gift you want, then you need to tell your husband exactly what you want/expect for a gift, or you will end up with gifts you don't want and return, which will hurt his feelings. Men like women to be direct. They can not read our minds, you have to tell them even if you think it's obvious. That goes for every thing you disagree about, not just gift giving. Oh, also, my husband and I keep running "wish lists" for gifts. If he sees something he wants, then he adds it to his list on the computer, so that when birthdays/Christmas rolls around, I'm not guessing what he wants. I was going to buy my husband a watch for Christmas last year, and glad I mentioned it before, because he said he wouldn't wear a watch, because he has his cell phone with him always. So I ordered the books he wanted from his list, and he was happy. Hope all this insight helps. Wishing you the best in your marriage.

Ditto Laurie A.

Men... they can be REAL dense. They also have dense ideas about gifts and what to get.
Just be thankful.... he tried. He got you flowers. He is not a woman. They are not so detailed.... and they have NO idea and NO clue what Anniversary "themes" are.

I recently had my 13th Anniversary... my Hubby TOTALLY forgot. I had gotten him 2 gifts. I got nothing. Then he calls me on the phone from work the NEXT day and says "I'll take you to dinner....that will be your 'gift.' (Whoopee). But for HIM... he was doing something REAL special. And he was proud... I could tell from his voice. So I didn't insult him. Even though it was an after thought. My daughter even commented to him "DADDY, you FORGOT to get Mommy something, HELLO!"

In the future, hint or directly say, what you expect or want for special celebrations. That is Husbands....

all the best,
Susan

No not wrong, this is just a case of different expectations. People are sooo different in how they see the importance of things. First off unless he is usually thoughtless and seems to take you for granted, then I would say this is just a difference of expectations and totally normal for a first anniversary. My hubby and I don't do anniversary gifts bc we usually just decide what we want to spend and make a plan together. Last year he took me to a nice hotel for a weekend away, but I didn't get him anything special, but hey we were at a hotel away from kids so you do the math :D Even when "he takes me out" I mean we are married so I know what our budget is. It is just different when you are married. But if you are person who feels loved when you receive special and thoughtful gifts talk to him about that. He will learn you and you will learn him. My husband likes money and likes to get exactly what he wants. He does not enjoy surprises and has a hard time being gracious when he gets something he doesn't really like or want. I on the other hand LOVE surprises and love to get little gifts. We have been married 4 years this month and are just starting to learn each other and how to really give what the other wants. He surprises me more and I surprise him less, works much better! He gives me gifts on anniversaries, I give him money or time away to himself or .....;) So don't feel bad!!! But do talk about it at a time when you are feeling calm and ask him what his expectations are and tell him yours. Our first anniversary we had a four week old baby so we went to a movie and my boobies got so sore and started leaking that we had to rush home!! We always joke and say for our first anniversary we got a baby! Don't sweat it, and happy anniversary!!

Depending on the degree of his male cluelessness about gifts, he may have figured it out. If not, you need to have a conversation about what your expectations and his are about gifts. No right or wrong here, just different points of view. If you get some family guidelines going and gentle reminders before big dates, most guys will step up. I can't think of ANY guys who might worry about "traditional and modern 1st year themes". They just aren't wired that way, with some exceptions.
I understand your feeling bad, but give him a pass on this while making it clear that this is not the way you want future anniverseries, birthdays and holidays to go.

I agree a lot with Laurie A and J A. I don't want anything more than acknowledgment since money is always a concern and has gotten much tighter over the years. A simple inexpensive dinner out is a real treat for us since we rarely get that. I think your expectations were different. I encourage you to talk to your huband if you are hurt but also think about whether or not you guys have it in your budget to spend that kind of money on gifts.

A lot of great responses already.

The first years of marriage are all about learning to communicate with one another. And this is a fantastic opportunity to communicate with each other what your anniversaries will mean to both of you. Set the pace! Do you and your husband agree that dinner out should always be enough? Do you want to stick with following the anniversary gift giving guidelines? Do you want to just give him a few good ideas of what you would like? Anniversaries are like marriages; they are what we make them.

And as some of the others did say...we should always appreciate everything our husbands do for us. Many (not all) are just not so good at the gift giving. And the fact that your husband brought you flowers was a beautiful gift. It isn't about the price, or following gift giving rules; it is about what it said was 'in his heart' for you. And that spoke volumes.

Don't feel bad. Understand you are both on a learning curve. Hug him, appreciate him, and talk.

Be thankful you got that. I have been married for five years and have yet to get a gift.

Do you feel bad because you got him something and he didn't or because you're upset he didn't get you something. I think you are fortunate to have gotten flowers and a card. Some men are a little more thoughtful than others. I hear some women say that when it comes to their Anniversaries, they just go out and buy themselves something and then tell their husbands what they got them. Then there are men who really splurge on their wives for Anniversaries. It sounds like he is the first kind of man I explained. Keep in mind also that this is his first Anniversary being married. He may not be acquainted with protocol yet. Ha ha ha! My husband and I don't go out and buy each other anything for our Anniversary. We give cards and then go out for a special night out. If I want something and I let him know then he may go out and bet it, but it usually isn't on our Anniversary. Things don't have to be so commercialized to be special. If you want to give a gift then that's fine, but don't get so hung up on the gift giving. Just be thankful that you have a wonderful husband and that he even remembered the Anniversary. Happy many more.

Expectations are the killer of many a marriage. Get rid of them. Unless you sit a man down and specifically tell him "I need this from you....remembering anniversaries, birthdays, don't forget to meet me at the OB/GYN for our appt. etc" he will never, ever do what you expect. They have to be told. If you leave it up to him, then you will be disappointed. They require some training in knowing what you want/need. Plus, he has already "caught" you, he is thinking he is on easy street now. Keep the "dating" attitude your whole marriage and it will be easier to weather your storms. Good luck to you both! cb

To answer your question.... No you are NOT the only one.. Actually my friends just buy their own gifts.... Then tell hubby "look at what I got for our anniversary ;) " I have been married 14 years and this year I looked at my husband and said... "This year can you actually go into a Hallmark and spend some time and pick out a card for me?" So he did since I asked and came up with two really nice ones... To him dinner out is enough... So I guess I would roll over if I got flowers.... Just not his thing.... I guess it is what your "Love Language" is of the 5 love languages. Since mine is not gifts, I do not sweat it. I think you just have to tell him; I really feel appreciated when you take the time to buy me something for Our Anniversary. Special Gifts make me feel special. He then will get it. See to me, I have been appreciative because his time is what I appreciate, so it means more to me for him to get flowers and a card (time to pick it out) and his time at dinner just for ME!!! So I guess he is not even aware he was not speaking your love language. Just communicate and it will be better... "Heh, actually he did the proper thing... One year anniversary is actually a "Paper" gift. Silver and Gold does not come for some years... LOL... Happy Anniversary and I wish you many years to come. Hey get the book "The FIve Love Languages" by Gary Chapman....

Any of us women would feel bad, but not every man gets it.

I agree with the person who said "communication." With my husband, we discussed how much we'd spend on each other for anniversaries, Christmases, and valentine's day from the start. In the beginning it was simply a budget issue (no one ever has lots of money when they first get married) but, as an added benefit, our gifts or lack of gifts were usually pretty equal.

Here's a plan: You can broach the issue as a budget discussion any time--and if money's OK, you can even say "hey, I want to go on a trip to X, so let's save up for it. Can you help me come up with a budget so that we save X amount each month?" and gift-giving has to be discussed in a budget. (Each of us gets to spend X for Christmas, for Valentine's Day, and for anniversaries.) That way, your hurt feelings don't have to become a point of contention, and you can even save up for something cool along way. (How about a Carnival weekend 4-day cruise? Totally worth it. My husband's parents babysat when we did it, and it's not terribly expensive.)

I've been in your situation many times. And I've had worse. Some years I haven't even gotten the card or the flowers, just the meal, paid for by a gift card from a relative! If I got flowers and a card like you did, I would be thrilled! If to you, that just wasn't enough, then I guess you need to be more specific with your husband as to your expectations.

You have two possible options for future anniversary, birthday and holiday (or whatever occasion) gifts. Sit down and talk and agree to either a $ limit or agree that you will discuss each gift-giving occasion ahead of time so there will be no misunderstandings and more equality (if that is what your main problem is).

This is the training time...act sad-ish, make him feel guilty, act innocent and unharmed...I promise you can train them! If they really love you then they will want you happy!

Hi Kat,

I recommend you check out a book from the library (or buy it, if you are inclined) called The Five Love Languages. This book really opened my eyes as to why my hubby has never been in to buying gifts, and fortunately, I'm not really a gift person, either, so it doesn't really bother me too much. But this book can help you realize the "language", or ways, by which your hubby is communicating his love to you, other than just by buying gifts.

Good luck!

I have been married for 16 years next Friday and our gifting is always lopsided! I would say just get used to it, but you can calmly talk about it with him. Just say your feeling were hurt when all he got your were a card and flowers. Knowing that it is the thought that counts is one thing, but gifts are always appreciated :)

Good Luck and don't read too much into it. At least he remembered (which is MORE that I can say for MY husband. I had to go buy my own birthday present!).

Communication Communication Communication

Communicate your expectations, Girl. At least from now on ya'll can be on the same page about what makes you feel special. It's taken my husband several years of nice "reminders" for him to G. it down.

I have been married for 24 years and have never gotten much of anything for any occasion. My daughter who is married for 6 says you have to spell it out. She sends her husband an email with a direct link to what she wants and guess what she usually gets it. So I guess waiting around for men to read your mind is pretty dumb and believe me after this many years it leads to resentment.

feel good he remembered, my husband before he died we were married 34 years would sometimes remember and it got so that I only got cards sometimes. remember it is not the gifts it is the thought and the little things that count. the helping with the dishes, rubbing you back when it hurts etc.

i got a card. Flowers would have been nice. :-)

I always think it's funny when a woman never says what she wants and then is disappointed with what she does or doesn't get! Next time say, "hey, our anniversary is coming and I would really love some new earings", or whatever. Same thing for holidays..."hey, xmas is coming and I would love....". Then if he still flakes on you, then you have reason to be disappointed. Happy anniversary!

Happy 1st anniversary, mine is tomorrow (Aug 15th) and I still have no clue what I'm getting my husband.