Cheating Husband - San Jose,CA

IF you decide (both of you) that you want to work on this and try to get past this betrayal you might look into Retrouvaille. http://www.retrouvaille.org/
It is a very good, very intense program for married couples working through serious challenges.

I'm rather irate at some of the responses you have received giving advise on how to address this! Read books together? Take a princess cruise together? NOOO I don't think so! Cheating is not forgivable....ever. The fact that you are pregnant and he continued this once he knew you were expecting again, - unforgivable. I realize the situation is painful with children, but my goodness, they will thank you for leaving a man who cheated on their mother! How do you rest at night knowing he works with this woman? Save yourself from not having 1 more ounce of pain, and go! Love your kids, love your life and lose him!

Sorry honey, don't book that Princess Cruise just yet. And for the love of all thats holy, don't read Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. All that book will tell you is that you didn't sex it up enough and your hubby went looking elsewhere. GARBAGE. Your husband made his own choice.....you didn't drive him to it.

First of all, go to counseling. If I were you and experienced such a devastating thing, I would need a professional to talk to. Your feelings of hurt and confusion are MORE than understandable. Counseling will help the healing process.
And, if you want to, go to couples counseling. This will help you determine if you are willing to stay married and, set some boundaries for your husband (ie job, breaking contact with the woman, etc.).

Only you can determine if it's right to stay with him. I do not agree with staying together "for the kids". My sister had to give her ex the boot (he cheated on her multiple times) and her kids FLOURISHED.

Also, get yourself checked for sexually transmitted "souveniers" that your husband may have brought you back from his affair.

HUGS!!!! I can't imagine what you are going through!

www.survivinginfidelity.com

The emotional stuff (trust, betrayal, rage, all that fun stuff) everyone gets over eventually (typically in 2-5 years) either by reconciling and several years of rebuilding trust, or via divorce... but the *most important thing* is to:

- Get tested IMMEDIATELY, and again in 6 months since some hide for awhile.

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If it were me, I would be willing to try to keep my marriage together, but only if my husband was willing to go to counseling and get away from the other woman, even if it meant quitting his job. He has to know that it doesn't mean picking up the pieces, it means starting over from scratch. You have to be able to forgive him for causing you such pain, and he has to be willing to be an open book to you in order to build your trust again. You have alot on your plate--please get help from somewhere. Good luck.

My ex husband also had an affair, this ended our relationship. But he and i had totaly lost connection a while before. We had just had a baby she was 6 months old. He didn't want to end the other relationship, he ended our instead. Months later he wanted to get back together. By that time I had moved on and realized we wern't ment to be together, i also couldn't look at him the same anymore. He was like dirty goods. But maybe you would be different. You really need to ask yourself if it could be the same again, can you someday trust him again? Is he really what you want? Can you get over this? Try counsleing maybe. If he won't go go by yourself. You need to do what is best for you. Good luck.

Two red flags: He still loves this person, and they still work together. I personally would take a hard look at the situation. I understand not wanting to just jump and make rash decisions and say it's over but you just don't deserve that. And as much as you may want to "stay together for the kids", in the end I think you'll find that kids cannot be the ONLY reason you stay or it just won't work anyway. I personally have a "once a cheater always a cheater" mentality generally, but I also think that there are rare occassions where people can change and where people can make a genuine mistake. An 8-10 month affair doesn't really sound like a mistake. But where you draw the line and how much you can take is a personal decision. My heart goes out to you, being pregnant and having another little one at home...I'm sure it makes the decision that much more difficult. There is no shame in either decision and either decision will come with it's own set of challenges. I'm sure you will do what's best for you and your children. I do agree with the counseling idea if you decide to work things out and a request that something change in your husbands workplace. I have had close friends in this very situation and I really do wish you the best of luck.

My heart goes out to you. This has been going on a long time (not like it was a one nighter). He still loves this person? Loves!!!! Not just "attracted" to her, he loves her! If you were solo, you'd leave. You need to be strong for your kids. Will you be as strong if you are always concerned if he is cheating/lying/emotionally estranged? If he can tell this person in front of you that it is over and he chooses to save his marriage and re-devote himself to you--then yeah--stay and work it out. But I think he got caught and it's easier to tell you "let's get back together", or quite honestly, cheaper. You and your kids will be in my prayers.

From my experience, once a man cheats, he'll do it again. And it isn't just the sex. It is all the emotional damage that goes along with it. In my experience, the work-related affair happened more than once. Hard to stop when a person is in the office with you.....

The best thing you can do for yourself, LO in your womb and your 2yo is to take care of yourself and not let them grow up seeing you belittled by their dad. An affair belittles in so many ways.

Also, I think you answered your own question. If you were solo, the decision to leave would be easy.

I have never been in your position but I know others who are living it. It is so heartbreaking when the one you love breaks your trust, especially when children are involved. He has cheated your trust and that takes time to build back no matter how many times he verbally said he ended the relationship. They can always go back to this other lady when they think things at home doesn't suit them. I am of no help but my heart goes out to you. Sorry this has happened.

I really feel for you. I know this is extremely hard to go through and especially when you are pregnant. I do not know your whole situation and I really don't think this is important but I can give you some thoughts from my experience. I was married for 15 years the first time and women just started coming to me and telling me that my husband was cheating. We had two children and I could not look at him anymore. We divorced and it was so hard on me. I just told the kids that I didn't want to divorce but I had to. My children were 8 and 12. I was in a tailspin after the divorce and got married and pregnant right away. It was so so bad! My next husband was a manipulative jerk who was very abusive. He had anger management issues that he would not deal with. The whole family was suffering immensely each day. I went to see many counselors and got up my self-esteem and divorced him. My son from that father was 3 years at the time. He is six now and tells me that he remembers that his daddy and I fought all the time. He knows that is why we divorced. My oldest is in the uniiversity now and never gets less then a 3.5 GPA. My middle son just got into his first year in high school and is doing bunches better now. My youngest started first grade and is a happy, happy kid. The children will benefit greatly from seeing you love yourself and be a positive role model for them. I have been single for over 2 years now and find myself smiling lots!

My family has turned on me. I have learned a lot from this! I am strong and I can deal with it now.

I can remember that my dad cheated on my mom when I was young. (I was 3) Kids know a lot more than we give them credit for. It make take a while for them to remember it but they will and it will my a big impression on them. My parents stayed together and now my mom is the most unhappy manhater that I know! I think this made a giant impression on me and my future relationships. My sister is also a very big manhater! Both of these women have unhappy marriages and can not love themselves.

You are the only one who knows what is best for you. I just feel that you should go speak to someone and empower yourself. It will be lots easier to make a decision that is right for you after you do.

I don't think that you pushing aside your dignity and self-worth is going to help your children. This wasn't some one-night stand this was an ongoing affair, which he still protests his love for. The best thing you can do for your children is to let them know they have two parents that love them very much and RUN. Maybe you need to let your husband know that you mean business, staying is just going to let him know he can do whatever and you'll take him back when he is sorry he got caught...Good luck to you

Ok if you say you would leave if you were solo, than you have answered your self. If he says he loves this other person than in my mind this is past an affair it moved right into an relationship. Are you willing to stay some where that you are not happy and worry all the time? When you are not happy it factors into the care you give your children and the feelings they see you go through. Also with him having sex some where else do not go there with him at this stage in the game. You have 2 children to think of and the last thing you want is some STD that can remove you from their lives. And in closing if he really wanted to work it out and stay away from this other lady he would be out there looking for another job. He would not stay where he would be tempted to cheat with this other lady again. If you know you have a weakness for something that is not good for you, than you stay away from it. Not go and look at it, talk to it, and set yourself up for another fall.

I disagree with trying to give the kids 18 years of stability. I have been in this exact situation. My kids were 6 and 8 months old. It was the hardest and most difficult situation I have ever been faced with. We did divorce and I will not tell you it was easy. If we had stayed together we would not have given the kids stability. We argued all the time, we had tension in the house, I was irritable and grouchy. Now that I look back at it the kids could feel it too. I wish my dream of my kids growing up the way I did had worked but it didnt. It will come down to if you can forgive and forget in order to get past this. If you cant then it has no hope of working. I would wake up in a rage every morning. I went to counseling to help me deal with this. I felt like a failure. I still, two years later, still have days where I miss the way my family was supposed to have been. Its like someone died. On a good note about my decision, I think my oldest has improved in school which is normally not the case in divorce situations. I am now with someone who respects me and loves me. My kids see our relationship and will know from that what a loving couple should be like. I hope you figure out what is best for you family and I wish you luck with your decision. I will be thinking of you and hope you get some good advice. Please think about seeing a counselor. They really do help work out some of your thoughts without giving you advice on what to do.

So many of us went through this unfortunately...how horrible. I agree with some other posters: get your things together in case you decide to leave him later, but don't decide anything now. You are pregnant, bad timing. See what happens along the way, what he does about it, how you feel about him few months from now and act when you are absolutely positively certain that you cannot live with this man. My ex also had a relationship with this slut in the workplace, I found out, left him, divorced him (hell yeah) and their "crazy love" lasted about other 8/10 months after divorce until it became eventually like any other relationship and it burned out by itself, leaving my ex with NOTHING just as he deserved. I have my child, my work, my family and friends' support and admiration, a peaceful and stable life. It's been horrible and I still have deep scars in my heart...but I was absolutely, positively certain that I could not live with this man. And two years after my decision I have still not regretted it. Every situation and every person is different, though, so there's no rule to follow.Sometimes people stay together, sometimes divorce is the only possible choice. Time will tell, so do not rush. Best wishes for you and your little ones.

i think the major factor is that it went on for 8 or 10 months. this was not a one time stupid mistake with someone he will never see again. this took effort, planning, and deliberate deceit. that is a whole other ballgame. personally, my husband did cheat. i found out about it. i went back to him after a lot of soul searching. a member of my family went through the same thing and she dumped his butt to the curb - and she's one of the most bitter people i know, regarding love and men. i decided if my choice was to look like a fool again, or become that, i'd take my chances of possibly looking like a fool again. my husband, i told, if he ever did it again i'd leave him, no questions asked, no matter kids or no kids, no matter where we lived and whether i had friends or family close. so far we have done great. that possibility is still there in the back of my mind, but at least i know he chose me. just my experience. and for the record it is a fear that i still live with, that he'll do it again. but at some point i just had to pray and have faith. my thoughts are with you and i hope that you find happiness whatever you choose.

Love or Lust? It doesn't make much difference. He was wrong. If you condemn him you are wrong. If you condemn his actions, that's ok. I only know of one man that never made a mistake and I celebrate his birthday around Christmas time.

However, if he wants to make ammends and wants to repent of his wrongs, I think you should take him back and work on your marriage. Marriage isn't easy. Its the toughest job I've ever had, but it is also the most rewarding.

If I were in your shoes, I'd get the movie, "Fireproof" and watch it with your husband. I'd get the companion manual, "The Love Dare" and follow its instructions. Read the books, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and the "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and follow their instructions. You will learn a lot of things about your husband, what makes men tick. He will learn a lot about you and what makes women tick. Make it a point to discuss the movie and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", the items you find inside and have questions about of the "Is this really the way you feel?" with your husband. A whole new world may open up for you and him.

Plan a cruise on the Princess Cruise lines. Princess was the setting for the TV series, "Love Boat" and they go out of their way to be nice to couples celebrating anniversaries. When my wife and I sailed with them they invited all the couples celebrating an anniversary to come to the auditorium. We almost filled the auditorium. The longest marriage was 62 years and several couples were on their honeymoon. Many couples were celebrating 1st and 25th anniversaries. We had a wonderful time. (If you are used to buying lunch while at work, if you brown bag it and save the money, buy the end of the year you'll have enough money to pay for a 7-day cruise for two.)

If you and he will work on your marriage and learn from these books you can rekindle the love and fire in your marriage and end up with a much stronger marriage. Your kids will be better off having loving caring parents that are their parents. Be sure you treat him like a gentleman and he treats you like a lady. If you want to know what that entails, ask. Your children will learn a lot by your example. (At least it works for us.)

Good luck to you and yours.

That is a long afrair. If he still loves her how will he treat you? Not the way you should be treated.You need to consider yourself. Many people stay together for the kids then regret it later. My parents divorced then i was 15, but now my mom wishes she would have left sooner (she stayed for me, but my dad only got worse). My dad is an alcoholic, chain smoker & a cheater. Personally wouldn't stay for the children because it may be harder on them seeing their parents not love eachother & having a strained relationship will be hard on them too. My husband learned shortly after we got married that I would not tollerate cheating.
If you are a religious person (as I am) I would pray about it.
My husband worked with a guy who cheated over & over again & his wife forgave him every time, then he woudl go cheat again & eventually she got tired of it & divorced him.
Divorce is not always the answer, but if my dh cheated one time that would be enough.
Sorry that I can't help you more.

God bless!

I'm so sorry! If you choose to work on the marriage & he is willing to do so, then he MUST end his relationship with this person. He cannot "love" her as you say he still loves her, and he should not work with her. I truly think if she is in his life in any way, shape or form, & you save your marriage now, she will come back to haunt you both down the road. He needs to get her out of his life if he is going to have any chance of saving your marriage.

First and foremost, I'm really sorry. This is a huge hurt for anyone but for someone carrying a baby it must be so hard for you right now.
I really suggest that you seek consoling for yourself and if your husband wants to go, great. I would suggest individual first to help sort through some feelings and then come together as a couple if both of you are willing. This is a very difficult time for you and you should allow yourself plenty of time to emotionally calm down before making any major decisions. Be guarded about who you tell at this time. Finding someone impartial is very important. They can help guide you without having any emotional investments. Those that you love will be hurting as well and can't really help you see clearly in this mess.
Also if he is serious about ending this relationship, he really needs to physically get as far away from the other women. Yes that means something as radical as getting a different job. If he is serious he will do ANYTHING to restore your trust in him. When I say anything, I mean anything. No complaining, no excuses, nothing. If you ask a question about the affair, he should answer without any problems. It's time to come clean if he wants to really make it work. It's possible, and can even make your relationship stronger than before this happened believe it or not.
I hope and pray for the best for you and your family.
Best Regards,
C.

I know how horrible this is, especially when you're pregnant. But you are a very smart woman for putting your kids first. I commend you!
You must do whatever it takes to make sure your children grown up in a home with their mom and dad. If your husband truly wants to work it out that's a good sign. I would start by getting into some counseling (talk to your pastor if you're a christian). He needs to find a new job and cut off all contact with this other woman. You need to make sure you ALWAYS wear a condom when you're with him.
You can do this, no matter how hard. Think of your children. Even if he chooses to be a cheating jerk all of his life, you choose to be a good mom and give your kids 18 years of stability. :-)

I ended my marriage when I was 4 months pregnant with a 1 year old - it is terribly difficult. But it was the right thing for my entire family. I continue to remind myself that "you, as much as anyone in the universe, are deserving of your love and affection." You can't stay for the children - your unhappiness will reach them no matter how well you hide it. I don't know what the right thing is for you to do. Just value yourself, model the behavior you want your children to follow and get help.

You do not have to make a decision right now. I agree about setting up some financial safeguards, for if you decide to leave or if he decides not to give this a decent try. Counseling is essential. It may not "save your marriage" but may help you both learn the truth about what happened, and how to best proceed with whatever decisions you make. The big question, which you probably can't answer right now, is: Do you still love him? Is/Was this marriage something you felt worth fighting for? After some time and contemplation, if you find the answer is no, then the marriage is over. Considering your children in this and not making hasty decisions that may adversely affect them is admirable, but it is not a reason to stay together in a "marriage" if the relationship is dead. (It teaches bad behaviors as acceptable. Kids are perceptive.) Your relationship may not be dead right now, more like on life support. You can determine what will keep you fighting or what pulls the plug. You have the power and need to wield it (thoughtfully.)

Best wishes to you.

B., I am so sorry about your situation. It is very sad and painful. I have not experienced something like this, but I had a friend of mine at home for a while who was through your very same situation.
B. do you have any relative or parents or close friends where you can stay at for a while? Having a little one already and one more on the way make things difficult; however, you cannot stay longer with this man. Cheating is not OK and even if he tells you he ended the relationship with her, but he still loves her.No, darling, he didn't. I am Catholic, but I do not believe that women should accept cheating and stay with their husbands like nothing happened especially when there are children,and mostly when the woman is pregnant, that is not just a mistake is a voluntary mistake that can be avoidable by a man. Try to find a place where to stay at and make any decision later not now. Staying away for a while will help you to see things more clearly. I feel so mad just reading this. A man who loves woman never does that. All make mistakes, but this kind of mistakes are just totally avoidable. Only you know if there was a real problem between both of you earlier or, only you know what happened before this situation, so take a little time and think of a solution later, for now you need to be in peace, take good care of yourself, your little one and the baby on the way, for that you don't need the stress of your husband's company in that way. Confidence and trust is already damaged, and that is going to bother you a lot while you stay there with him in the same house. take care of yourself and believe me, there will be always someone to support you and give you a hand. Always remember that if you are OK, and you feel well in all aspects, your kids will as well. If you don't, your family, your kids won't.
I wish you the best.

My ex-friend was having an affair with a married man. During their tryst his wife became preggers and she found out he was cheating, He broke it off with my ex-friend and said he wanted to work it out with the wife, this would be kid number 3. My ex-friend then took it upon herself to move to his neighborhood to feel close to him (hence why she is now my ex-friend) and of course started back up with him. I tell you this, so if your hubs truly wants to work it out with you a) ask him if it was love or lust and b) he quits, she quits somebody has got to move on. If they are in close proximity in no time will they start up again, and truly even if he says he is done with her, him going to work in the same place as her, how will you feel daily?