A Cheatting Husband. I Need Help on What to Do.

Tell him he has to change his ways or get out. Why should you leave when you have done nothing wrong. Make him go. Pack him a suit case and tell him he can pick up his other stuff after you have packed it up.

our next door neighbor was dealing with a cheating husband for years. Finally she decided to do her affair herself. Men are made to cheat, men are visual, women are emotional. She haad 2 kids by him and one from before and she haad never worked a day in her life. She always thought she could never make it on her own with 3 kids. Then he got abusive and relationship worsened. She finally moved out when he was at work one day. She haas enjoyed her life since. Its been a struggle but shes doing it.
An open marriage is worth it o even trying some new things, fortunate for me i have been with women also so it works for my relationship. Try opening things up but set boundries and have some fun. If his cheating is ruining or effecting the kids life then move on.

DUMP THAT CHUMP!!! you dont want your little boy and girl growing up thinking that marrage is sharing your spouse with everyone in the neighborhood! or letting them see that being someones doormat is love... get out! they will understand later!! YOU are ther rock! you are their example!! if your not happy they see that!! They are in your best intrest... but a man like that is speading his love thin for the wrong reason to the wrong people!!
And i am living proof that you can do it!!!! My kids are fine. we have an open wonderful relationship! good luck!!

personally,he would be gone.I could not deal with this either and as your children get older,they are going to have too see this.I would worry that your children would be hurt by this as well as you and it would let your children think that behavior is right and we all know it is not by far.I wish you all the luck as i know that this is a hard situation,been there done that and it really hurts.

Hi N.,

I have to agree with everyone here. I know from experience that it is not easy to walk away from someone you love, and I am sure it is only that much more difficult when you have children. But you have to put yourself first so you are able to take care of your children. If there are many women claiming to be sleeping with your husband and being pregnant by him, chances are at least one of them is, with our without solid proof. You deserve better and remember love is action, not words. If he says he loves you but is sleeping around, that is not love. As far as the kids go, they can still have their father, without him being in your life. My ex and I actually have a much better relationship now than we did when we were together. But it is up to him to make being a father a priority. My heart goes out to you and I hope you are able to lean on family or friends for support. If you focus on respecting yourself, you will always lead yourself in the right direction.

personally i would dump him. i dont believe anyone should be cheated on whether man or woman that does it. it isn't right and especially with children in the picture. unless you feel you should go into counseling and give him a chance i wouldn't. cheating is wrong,i wouldnt know how to deal with it but dump my husband if he ever did it. cause to have that ditrust in the back of you mind is just crazyness. and if he is done it before then he isn't going to change.

I'm no longer with my finace' because he cheated and lied. I tried to make it work, but it's hard to ever trust them again or believe what they say. So he's moving out in March. It may have been hard not having that father figure in your life growing up, but look at it this way, if your kids grow up watching him do it they will think it's okay.

This is one of the worst things to go through. Giving advice in this situation is even harder not knoewing the both of you or your life/personality.

I found strenght deep in my soul and my heart, family was important, God pulled me through. You know what you want and need to do. ONLY YOU. Good luck and Bless you and the children
M.

hi N....i just started this mama group and first saw your message.... i am so sorry, girl! my husband used to cheat on me, before we were married, but we also had 2 of our 3 kids. i'd like to say 'he may change' but who really knows? he broke his vow to you to be faithful, forsaking all others.

i hope you have a job. if not, start looking as soon as you can. there are alot of assistant programs that are out there that will help you pay for rent, food, daycare payments (alaska housing, W.I.C., and child care assistance) i have used all three of these programs, and they are a lifesaver!

my mom once told me that it is better to be alone, than to be with someone and be hurting! i didn't believer her then, but she is right.

i am sure your husband knows that you are crushed, but the fact that he does it and doesn't care, thats so wrong. if i can help you anymore, please don;t hesitate to ask!!!

-L. (i am 26, mother of 3, married)

Girl, you need to get out of that relationship! You have you're whole life ahead of you.... It's not going to get any better. Even if he stops cheating, you're never going to trust him. Sometimes it's better to hurt a lot for a little while, then it is to hurt less for the rest of your life. Besides, your children can feel your hurt and it would be healthier for them if their momma's happy.

Dear N.,

I was going thru all the other ladies advices.
All of 'em are so wonderful ! Yes,N., this is
very painful..better you knock him out...
you will get somebody better than him
with self respect, lovable and loyal to you and kids.
Good luck ! our prayers are with you dear ...

Hello N.
For fact that you have posted this, I think you know what you have on your hands. Further, this has to be so very painful to you. Things couldn't be pretty in the home at this time. I think you have to be strong and do what your heart tells you. If you need to confront him than do so...don't be afraid. But, do so after some serious consideration. Know what you plan to do if he says yes...what about it. Know what you pland to do if someday he gets a baby left at the door, or a child support order. And know what you will do if he leaves you. You may not plan on leaving him, but he could leave you. I appologize, I know you hurt plenty enough without hearing harsh words, but it is reality. If you plan on accepting this, you need to do something for yourself. From the tone of your post, sounds like you need to do a little more for N.. Be good to yourself.

I know that if my husband had his "lady friends" calling me claiming to be pregnant by him...booooy the fight would be ON! I live far away from my family, but this is something
that I would not, could not, put up with. But, alas, that is me.

Karen has a point. No matter what, you need to respect yourself and tell him to knock the cheating off! I know it's hard to think about going it alone but, you can do it! There are a lot of programs to help you...and the pride you'll feel knowing that you have stood up for yourself...wow.

I think the best way to look at it when you want to stay and be treated in this manner is: how you'd want your daughter to be treated when she's old enough to be involved with boys? Do you want her to feel like you do right now? Hopefully, the answer is no; and since you are her teacher, teach her how to respect herself and how to be treated by the men in her life...and that she has a choice. Show her that you have the strength to demand to be treated well and she will to. I understand that she is still young, but when she is older she will see how you allow others to treat you and learn from your behavior.

Even if you can't decide what to do now, find someone to talk to; a pastor, a counselor at a women's shelter, someone who can help you see your options and possibly get some help when you make a decision.

I am in the middle of a divorce with a four year old and a two year old and have been down the SAME road. I felt that I could never recover from the hurt from him cheating and our marriage would never be the same. so after many years, we were married for 5 and the cheating started early, I finally called it quits, and you know what, I am very happpy and so are my babies. it was the right decision for me. I can help you with divorce advice and how to do it right, because it was itimidating at first, if you would like. anyways, I hope you are doing ok, and the kids.

First of all what does pg mean? Second of all if u think he's cheating u need to leave him. I was raised in a family where my father cheated on my mother since I was 5. I never knew that my father was cheating on my mother but I had no clue what affection was. My father told me when I was little I was so affectionate but by the time I was 10 I didn't even like to be hugged. He asked my mom for a divorce when I was 5 and she told him no, her reasib was they had to stay together for the kids. All that did was hurt us. By the time I was 6 they were sleeping in seperate beds and we (my sister and I) begged them just to hold hands. We were never told that my dad asked for a divorce and we were told that they sleped in different beds because my dad snored too loud. When I got older, (like 11) I was able to spend the night at friends houses. I thought it was rude and disgusting for parents to even cuddle on the couch. When I turned 13 that's when I realized that it wasn't my friends parents who had the problem but my own parents. But the damage was allready done. I have a real problem with intimacy and I wish that my parents would have gotten a divorce when I was 5 so I didn't get messed up. If u have proof he is cheating then u have nothing else to do but leave him. Please teach your kids love don't teach them that it is ok for daddies to treat mommmies with no respect. And it is disrespectful for daddies to have other lady friends cumming in their home.

You have the proof in your heart of what he's doing. Sometimes we know things deep down, but our mind kind of makes us numb to it and not able to put together the pieces. I went through the same thing w/my ex-husband who never would admit to having an affair despite all the overwhelming evidence. A man will rarely fess up I'm finding out. Your kids will be better off if they don't learn that it's ok to disrespect you. My kids were close to the age of yours when I left my ex-husband. As long as he choses to be involved w/them they will forever have a dad in their lives, despite whether you are w/him or not. Their is hope for a brighter future. I found a man that is a much better father to my kids than my ex could have ever been. My kids still keep in touch w/my ex so it's like they have an extra dad to love them.

Best of luck. It's a hard road on your own, but it's worth it to get your sense of self back.

N.,
It is very easy for others to tell you to dump him and that the fact that you are still with him means you don't have any self esteem, but it is different when you are in the situation. If I were you I would follow my heart. Fisrt of all you need to know for sure that he is cheating on you, and then you need to make your decision. I would hire a PI if you have the funds and get some photos, otherwise you may have to do some detective work yourself if you know whatI mean. The one thing I would be careful of is deluding yourself or being in denial. If you are certain that he is cheating on you then you have to act on it. If it was me I would end up leaving him. But remember, the kids are innocent and should not be in a bad situation. If he is cheating on you and it is to the point that the other women are coming around your home and calling then you have to take some action to protect your kids. Who knows what these sluts may end up doing??? Do you really still love him if he's cheating on you? He is bringing this pain into your home and family life. Just remember what is important and stay strong.

My mother told me a long time ago that a leopard cannot change his spots. No one can tell you what to do we can all give you advice but in the end you need to make the decision. I want you to know that I grew up with a father and a mother but it wasn't a happy family. My father is an alcoholic my mother was verbally and physically abused. and yes all eight of us kids were there to witness this.My father told me one time with a cold hard look on his face. "Your nothing, you'll never have nothing and you'll never become nothing. Imagine your husband or the father of you children saying something like that to the children.My sister's hubby went from beating her 2 the kids. I wish you the best.

I know what you are going through. My husband cheated on me with his "best-friend" who lived next door. She was a guy at the time. He told me she was pg and that it might be his. What a way to find out he cheated. She got engaged and married her boyfriend all the while stringing my husband along. The day she got married I was moving out. He came home to get ready and saw me moving. I moved across the state and he realized what a mistake he made and come out the next week. It took a while for us to get back to normal, but we have for the most part. So, my advise to you would be do what you want. Leave if you need to, work it out if you want to. Noone can tell you what to do, we can jsut say what we would do. It is all up to you. I was afraid to leave because I didn't want my kids to not be with their dad. My kids were 3,4,and 5 at the time. I didn't think I could do it on my own. But I did. Don't be afraid to do it. There are places out there that can and will help you get on your feet. I know it is a hard thing to do, but do what is best for you and the kids.

Try getting him interested in you plan a romantic dinner and an evening just the two of you help him get in to the mood and talk maybe he just needs you to need him allmen need to feel needed. on the other hand Cheating is never good and if all of the signs are there just ask him sit down and ask I do not know how he will respond but knowing how to go on from there is not going to be easy. ask if he wants to save the marriage try counsiling and if he does not want to then I am sorry but you would be better off with out him. no one wants to hear this. You as a mom and woman deserve better. I have been cheated on before and it is no fun but Life is full of wonderful suprises and with two kids you can be sure of adventure and excitment.

From personal experience...with a cheater for nine years....they never stop once they start...things are ok for awhile...and then before you know it they are cheating again..It isnt worth the hurt that it causes you or your children....Or what he may bring home with him and give to you. The pain it causes can never be forgiven and the trust is almost impossible to get back. You deserve better and so do your babys! Best of Luck

I had a cheating husband and I found my only way of stopping it was to get divorced but I did not start with that. I talked with him and gave the options for counseling and working on our relationship. I tried to change every thing about me I worked and struggled to hang on and basically I found out it was just time for us to part our ways. At the time I had two young girls. I was not happy but I felt like I did all I could do to fix things and he just wasn't wanting to settle in and be the father and daddy we all needed. We did part ways on a civil level and still to this day have a decent relationship when it comes to the kids. We have been divorced for over 10 years and we actually like each other now!

N.,
I think you need to think about the effect this is having on yourself and your kids. If you are really unhappy, then your kids are going to know it. If you feel that it's a marriage worth saving, find out if he's willing to make changes and go to marriage counseling. If not, then you need to decide if you're willing to tolerate his behavior. Frankly, something like that will only continue to eat at you and your self-esteem is going to continue to dwindle. No one can honestly put up with that and not be affected. In the end, do what's best for your kids.

Wow I know you love him I am sure you do not deserve this and neither do you kids .

I think you should give him one more chance, if he wants it. It could be a one time mistake but if this is going be the pattern of his behavior in your marriage you should get out while you can. It is almost worse for your kids to be in an unhappy home than to have divorced parents. This is not an easy decision to make but you and your kids do not deserve to be treated like this.

If I were you I would sit that boy down and have a chat with him, you can always tell if a man is lying if you look him right in the face. And girl if you absolutly know that he is cheating then you need to get out the man obviously does not respect you and that is not an enviornment that you need to raise your kids in because the situation can get bad and your kids dont need to see the yelling and screaming, trust me i have recently been debating on becoming a single mother of two, I believe that my kids are worth have a life where they dont see mommy and daddy yelling at each other because it scares them too. I know it is a hard decision but you and your kids are better than that.

N.,
I dont think ANY woman deserves this treatment! My ex was a cheater also and I left him and have our son! I did agree on joint custody. (I dont want to keep my son from his dad) There are many places you can go. I dont know where you live, or the circumstances surrounding you but if he's abusive you can go to your local Department of Human Services and get in touch with a "Safe House". You can also try Transitional housing! They are just a place for you to live with a bunch of other women and children until you get on your feet! It really helped me! Good luck with this! Please let me know how it goes! Love, *M.*

Does he deny all these aligations....even the ones that come to your house?
When is enough...enough?

Leave him!! You deserve better than that and so do your children. I know how hard it is for you but I was in the same situation years ago with a boyfriend and when I look back now I can't believe I put up with it. Is there any friends or family you can stay with? Or if you want this to work will he go to counceling? If he won't then that says alot. As far as there women claiming there pg by him what is he saying about that? I hope everything works out for you and if you ever need to talk please feel free to e-mail me. Keep your chin up everything will work out

WELL HI THERE N.,I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THE POSITION THAT YOU ARE IN BUT THAT IS BECAUSE I HAVE MARRIED A GREAT MAN.BUT YOU ALSO CAN FIND SOMEONE JUST AS GREAT DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN NOT DO SOMETHING CAUSE YOU CAN DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT WANT. BUT REMEMBER IT'S ALL UP TO YOU.SOMETIMES WE MAKE DECISIONS THAT ARE WRONG IN LIFE BUT WE CAN'T LIVE ARE LIFE ON THEM WE HAVE TO LEARN TO PICK UP THE PIECES AND MOVE FORWARD.JUST THINK AND SAY THAT GOD GIVES US SO MUCH IN LIFE AND ONLY WHAT WE CAN HANDLE.ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR HEART FEELS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND SO THAT MEANS YOU CAN ONLY MAKE THE ALLTIMANT DECISION.NO MATTER HOW MUCH ADVICE WE ALL GIVE TO YOU IT WILL NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU FEEL IN YOUR HEART.THEY SAY THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A GUT FEELING GO WITH IT.YOUR KIDS ARE THE BIG PICTURE HERE BECAUSE YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE BEING HURT CHILDREN SEE AND HEAR MORE THEN WE THINK THEY DO AND THE FUTURE THAT IS BEING DAMAGING IS THERE'S.PLEASE THINK OF YOUR KIDS AND MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION.ALWAYS SAY TO YOUR SELF THAT YOUR DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR KIDS AT THAT TIME,YOUR THE PARENT SO YOUR THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THAT.TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HUSBAND IS SELFISH AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.IT MAY HURT YOU TO MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION BUT IN THE END EVERYTHING WILL TURN OUT BETTER THEN YOU EXPECTED."IT HAS BECOME FASHIONABLE IN THERAPY CIRCLES TO HOLD TWO BELIEFS:(A)YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON,ONLY YOURSELF;AND (B)YOU SHOULDN'T CHANGE YOURSELF FOR A RELATIONSHIP OR FOR ANOTHER PERSON....SOME TAKE THERE RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANITE AND OTHERS CHARISH IT.BUT THOSE WHO TAKE IT FOR GRANITE REGRET IT IN THE LONG RUN.THOSE WHO CHARISH IT ALWAYS KNOW THEY DID ALL THEY COULD DO TO KEEP THERE FAMILY TOGETHER.JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR THOSE CHILDREN AND YOURSELF GO WITH YOUR GUT AND PRAY.GOD WILL ANSWER YOUR PRAY'S BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP HIM PICK UP YOUR FEET.NO WOMAN OR MAN NEEDS TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT WE ALL DESIRVE TO GET LOVED AND RESPECTED.YOUR HUSBAND HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU AND WITH NO RESPECT THERE'S NO LOVE.GOOD LUCK AND THERE ARE MANY GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE FOR YOU.ALWAYS YOUR FRIEND C.