My husband's aunt and uncle are going through a divorce. His aunt (by marriage) and I are very close. She helped me plan my wedding, the two of them took us on a lavish trip for our honeymoon and she threw my baby shower. Their marriage has always been a bit stormy--he's very mouthy and makes really obnoxious jokes but she always just dismissed his behavior and kept him in check. They've been together for over 15 years and the last three years his behavior has become increasingly erratic and out of control and finally it all came out that he's been using drugs, cheating and God only knows what else.
They are now going through a divorce and I'm going to be forced to see him for the holiday. I don't know what to say to him or do when I see him. I'm so disgusted, I'm so angry at him for how he's treated this woman who is like a sister and now I'm stuck with him in the family and she's moving on. Plus, he's still involved with this woman who he's been cheating with. His wife has had a few confrontations with the skank but she refuses to backdown thinking she's somehow entitled to be with the uncle UGH. SO GROSS.
This is *not* a two-sided issue. Everyone is disgusted by the uncle's behavior, but some people feel that he's family and they should *support him*. HAH! She (the aunt) has done everything she can to make things work and help her husband but to remain mentally healthy she's moving on. The uncle is a destructive force and has ruined his life and everything good he's built. How would you handle seeing someone like this? Would you tell them how you feel? What if he brings this homewrecker with him?
You don't have to "support" him. Be cordial when you're in his company and continue the friendship you have with the aunt. He's family. He's not going anywhere. Don't judge him. His actions speak for themselves.
I wouldn't want to ruin a family holiday or make anyone uncomfortable. Drama with this jackass will ruin everyones time. A holiday dinner is the wrong time to hash out family drama. Play nice. Plaster a fake smile on and spit in his rum and coke. or Maybe a little exlax in his coffee. :)
you bite your tongue. You don't say anything to him. If anyone must say anything, it would be your husband or his parents... not you- even though you and his wife were close.
You don't have to invite them over, and you are free to think he is an evil pig, and his "GF" is a nasty home wrecker... but let the family deal with it.
My mom divorced my dad... years after the cheating occured... but nevertheless that and alchoholism were the "big issues" that caused her to leave him. And yes, his family *supported* him... and hers supported her. It was an odd sort of support for my dad, because obviously no one could "blame" my mom for leaving. But they are his family- and part of showing him "support" was helping to see what a mess he had made of himself and his family... and helping him recover from alcoholism and repair his relationship with me. They loved him and helped him... and how do you ever become a better person if your family (mother, father, siblings) won't take you back?
What you can do though is make sure that he cannot bash his ex at family gatherings, and no one else can either. It sounds like she was a great wife to him, and if they have children they deserve that side of the family to still give her "respect". My dad's side never says a word bad about my mother, and it means the world to me!
-M.
No reason to lose you Aunt-In-Law!!!
Everyone else has to make (and looks like they have) their own decisions about him, but that doesn't mean that they're YOUR decisions, nor do they have to be. Avoid him, and if it becomes and issue with other Fam (or him)...
"You hurt a dear friend of mine, when I'm not so angry with you I might have something to say. For now, please leave me alone." when talking to him, or the similar if it's family.
And DO keep in contact with your ex Aunt in Law. She's just become a family friend, instead of friend in the family.
At a family holiday isn't the time or place to be discussing this. If he approaches you with the topic you tell him this is an inappropriate time to discuss this and you literally, walk away. Don't give him the chance to continue on with the conversation and possible cause a scene. If the woman is with him, steer clear of her. Don't engage her in any conversation and if you're standing there and she comes up, politely excuse yourself to the restroom or something else.
First of all, HE is the homewrecker who has committed adultry. You don't know what he has told the woman he is now dating.
I would tell him how you feel, but not at a family gathering unless your conducting an intervention....(he sounds like he needs one, but a professional should be involved).
If you can't bear to socialize with your uncle and his new friend, don't go to the family gathering. You could be "not feeling well" and unable to go. If you feel compelled to attend, you can be polite to both of them without carrying on a phony conversation.
Not a pretty picture......Blessings.....
well good for the aunt for moving on-however-you never really know what goes on behind closed doors-ppl generally only tell you only what and as much as they want you to know.
as far as the uncle-you cant change him or his girlfriend-you can however choose to ignore both of them.why are you letting ppl you despise rent space in your head? let alone ruin your holiday?...if the aunt moved on-so can you mentally-you cant change the fact of him being there-but you can change your reaction to the situation.hes after all not the only family member-enjoy your holiday-be polite-and pretend hes not there...good luck
I"d make a point of shunning him. If he speaks to you, look past him and pretend he's not there. DO not interact with him at all, and if he's so erratic and using drugs, I'd encourage my children and husband to do the same.
Then I'd call the Aunt and make sure you keep in contact with her.
I don't think you have to support him at all. Be cordial to them, but don't go out of your way to socialize with them (this is easy in my family, because in extended family situations there are usuallly over 20 of us). I have an aunt and uncle(my dad's brother) that were married less than 10 years, and they have been divorced almost that long, but I was (and still am) very close to my aunt. You know what he's all about- enjoy the other family members and move on.
Do your best to be loving and gracious with everyone in the situation. See if you can maintain your friendship with your husband's aunt--at least a note or a phone call from time to time. Focus your energy on the areas where your caring can make a difference, and just mentally hold your nose and put up with whatever difficult situations come your way. There's more than one side to every story, and there's some good in every person.
it's a family function. going to it doesn't mean you're 'supporting' him, but that doesn't mean it's your place to confront him or tell him what you think of him. i'm sure he gets it. if you absolutely can't see the 'skank' without going off, it's up to you to stay away, not to demand that he do so.
would you be okay with him commenting unasked on your life?
it's perfectly possible to be courteous and distant. there is no need to add to family drama by bwawking, shunning or being confrontational.
auntie is moving on (good for her!) but you can keep her in your life.
khairete
S.
Handle seeing him? Completely ignore him and keep my kids away from him. Adult family members are role models to children, and this is NOT the kind of role model you want them to have, right? If he brought the homewrecker with him, I'd walk out, right then and there. I know I couldn't stand the putting up a fake show to be polite, seems to much like approving of their disgusting behavior. And since I wouldn't want to make a huge scene, (and would not do in front of kids anyway), I'd just leave. Also, I'd try to stay close to the aunt. It's not her fault after all! Cheating is a choice, and one I find disgusting. I know we're "not supposed to judge" but how can you approve of and condone of affairs? And by making things easy for the cheaters to pretend they are in the right around youd, you're just disrespecting the victim of the affair, the faithful spouse AND any children involved.
I cannot believe that the family is supporting him and his behavior. They should call him on it and not enable him by dismissing his behavior. But that is on them. The 'skank'..(lol) would have some nerve to show up at a family function and if I were you, I would get some of the family members to stand with you and tell her to excuse herself from that function because she is not welcome. If he (the uncle) doesn't like it, he can join her out the door. If you encounter him at a family function, ignore him at all possible, and if you cross paths, look at him, and look away not saying a thing. If he engages you, ignore him and walk away from him telling him he is not worth it, because he's not. He has proven to be unworthy for his actions against your aunt. If I were that close to my aunt and my uncle did that, relative or not, I would let him have it with both barrels! But to avoid a confrontation, and since he's unstable from what I gather from what I've read here, don't engage him by confronting him about his personal life. Let your aunt and uncle handle it.
His actions have consequences, and if he doesn't see that now, karma will get him soon or a later. :-)
You just have to bite your tongue. My brother is a habitual cheater. He has one illegitimate daughter that lives out of state (whom is a sweetheart but he has forbidden us from seeing her), and two weeks before he married his wife it came out that he was cheating on her with someone who had two abortions because my brother got her pregnant twice. It disgusts me, but it doesn't affect me or my life. I just bite my tongue. You think sitting through Easter is going to be hard. Try sitting through his wedding, while everyone including the bride knows he cheated! That was hard! It was an absolute joke.
The uncle: you can't do anything about that. The aunt: she can remain part of your "chosen" family, if you both want to remain connected. My sister-in-law is much closer to her ex-step-mother than to her own mother - "Grandma Barb" is a big presence in all their lives. It's far more important to preserve and maintain the healthy relationship (your relationship with the aunt) than to punish the crazy-maker.
why on earth would you have a man like this at a family function- save yourself and your family the drama and tell him not to come. I wouldnt have even thought of inviting someone like this to a family dinner just save everyone and leave him out
First off, gross. Second off, I'm sorry that this is happening in your family. Thirdly, everyone deserves a second chance with their own family even if they majorly screwed up in their own marriage. Being Easter, it's not about Gross Uncle. Make the holiday about spending time with the rest of the family.
And personally, I wouldn't say a word to Gross Uncle and Skank Ho Girlfriend (if she dares to show up too) if you can't remain civil and polite. I'm sure they both know that they're persona non grata in the entire family right now and they don't need for you to tell them how you feel. It would just fall on deaf ears anyway and it won't change anything. You really don't want to be a cause of stress in the family on a holiday even if you feel that he/they are the source of the stress.
I would keep the aunt in your life! Invite her over for dinner and keep seeing her as often as possible. As for the uncle, I would ignore him and speak only if spoken too. I believe in "if you do not have anything nice to say......" and would explain it that way if asked why I had not been speaking to him.
I wouldnt say a word to him. You can be on your Aunt's side without your children and your husband seeing any drama. Trust me, I can understand what you want to say to him, but when your kids are involved its a whole new ballpark. Dont worry, they will get what they deserve. Karma is a B****!
i would play nice with him but stay claose with your aunt...our family had a similar sittuation and we kept the aunt in the family and lost the blood relative
