I don't consider myself overly protective but I am cautious when it comes to my kids. So I'm not sure if this is common practice. A kid at school just told me that her mom asked if it's ok for me to drop her home after an extracurricular. (Once a week, not out of the way no big deal). The thing is,the only conversation, I've had with this mom in person was maybe 5 sentences in passing. She has 3 daughters in school. All great kids. I invited the kids to a movie once with my daughter. I had to pretty much track her down to make sure I get to speak to her (phone. She did not respond to my email). The kids initially said it was ok without me having a convo with her. When I finally did, she did confirm that it is OK because she knows about my daughter and knows what kind of a kid she is. When I picked them up. I literally had to say " Uhm, should we let someone know that you're leaving?" Only then did the dad show his face (mom was working at that time). I also dragged the 2 older girls for an NEHS project. They said it was OK and I gave the girls my phone no to give to their mom, I didn't get a call. I get that she trusts me and the truth is I always treat kids like I do my own when they're with me. Sometimes even better simply because they don't have the security of having their parent with them but still…How would one know that for sure?
Last year, my dd was new to the school and she was invited to a classmate's birthday. This girls mom thought it would be ok for her to pick my kid up, take her to a restaurant and to build a bear (not an actual party where you can drop and pick up but an at your own pace dropping in to make a bear). I don't know this mom either and have never met her. One other girl was at the party. I told her that she can't go by herself. So I went with the intention of paying my way.
This happened to my friend too. Her family took her daughter's classmate to the movies. The kid just got out of the house ready to go. My friend's husband didn't get that so he got out of the car, knocked at their door, meet the father and introduced himself and gave them his phone number.
BTW all these kids are elementary kids. My friend's may have been junior high.
I have to say, I'm a little shocked every time this happens. My question is, do you trust other parents automatically? Let's say you know them by reputation, is that enough for you to send your kid out with them?
I always have the though in the back of my head that some awful horrible people can sometimes be so nice that's why they are able to get away with some awful horrible things for awhile.
well, you're not comfortable with this, the question is framed to elicit 'no, this sounds hinky' responses, so here ya go, 'no, i don't trust other parents automatically.'
but i certainly don't leap to 'awful horrible people.'
khairete
S.
I think it is odd that these parents are just perfectly okay with their kids going with just anyone without a phone number or even wanting to meet you or your husband. You could have been a kid napper waiting outside to pick those kids up. I do think that sometimes as parents we are so stressed out we will let our kids go out with someone in hopes of a break but that should not eliminate the cautiousness of the other parent . All parents should want to know when, where, who, how & why of any outing their child is attending. Don't worry , with the way the world is today I do not think you're being over protective.
No. My boys are 9 and 5. The 9 year old has four friends whose parents I trust. I know these parents very well because I have made an effort to. I have known these parents for many years. Now, my 5 year old doesn't have friends yet. I totally agree with you, D.. This type of parenting is way too lax. I would never allow either one of my boys to go with people that I don't know especially when my kids are this young. My babies are too precious!
I don't feel like I was overprotective in anyway but I did get contact numbers for parents if my daughter was at sleepover, play date, whatever.
I was never so lax as to not know when where or who my daughter was with if she wasn't with me.
That family sounds way too lax for my comfort level.
That said... I've had children at my house and events and it was like pulling teeth to find out how to get in touch with parents. Crazy
Eh...I think it's a gut thing. My son has a very few buds that I'm not sure I would let him sleep at their homes..the parents are just too random.
By about grade two I started trusting my kids instincts about such things. Before second grade I would certainly need to meet the parents before sending my kid over for a playdate or outing, but by grade two my kids had pretty good judgement, were able to speak up for themselves and would certainly tell me if they weren't treated well. So yes, if I know a parent by reputation and my kid knows and likes the kid, that is enough for me to send my kids out with them.
Nope, I go with the kids to any activity where I don't know the person hostessing it to the extent I've been to their house numerous times and them to mine. If we're "friends" I know I can trust them with the kids.
How am I to know that person won't forget my kid is even with them?
Most people are good. And by most, I mean that the majority of us will never encounter another human who would purposefully hurt a child. With that in mind, I still meet the parents of my boys' friends before I take them anywhere or before I allow them to take my boys anywhere. Not because I'm distrustful, but because the nice thing to do is to meet, introduce yourself, and exchange contact information.
Now, all that said, not everyone is like me and that's okay. I'm me and I'll continue to be me in the way I see fit.
You obviously seem like a trustworthy person, and judging a parent by their child is common enough.
We generally assume families are decent :)
Our kids meet their friends through sports or school, or through other friends, so it's pretty rare that a family is completely new to us.
We make a point of being friendly. I go out and introduce myself and also for us, it's to make sure our kids were clear with their friends (pick up time, etc.).
We tend to become friendly with our kids' friends' parents so it's usually just a quick hello and chit chat.
Not everyone does it. I had a dad drop his son at our house for a pool afternoon and then honk in the drive to pick him up. No interest in meeting us at all. And he was a police officer.
I actually don't like being grilled - I've had that happen too, where you feel you need to pass an interview before they'll allow your kids to play. Or worse, where they list off all the things they hate that parents do just so you know where they stand ... Once when a parent was telling me how irresponsible they thought it was to allow kids in grade 6 to bike unsupervised my other child biked up the drive at that exact moment ...
I have had experience s like this too very disconcerting. ...I trust them to supervise my child playing in their backyard but when I'm not informed that the teenage sister is driving them a few streets over to go sled riding at the golf course...I am not so ok w that....and I am naive and get shocked when it happ..shoot can't see what I'm typing....I find that lots of families that I thought had the same ideas about this as I do..would surprise me and do something similar. ..really narrowed the list of people I send my kids over to...in tread I host alot.
I think you're right to find it disconcerting, though your very last paragraph is a bit, well, overblown.
It's not horrible, but it is puzzling that some adults would let their elementary-aged children handle the contact with other adults. That, to me, is a recipe for miscommunications. It's also a bit rude, in my book -- any parent should, out of simple courtesy, introduce himself or herself to the parent of the other child who is hosting a party or taking friends to a movie. And absolutely the parents should exchange phone numbers -- what if the movie runs later than expected, or you're caught in traffic with someone else's kid in your car, or the kid becomes ill while out with you--? Works the same in the other direction: I'd want to at least lay eyes on the parents of any kid who was doing stuff with mine, and would want them to have my numbers before my kid went off with them, and I'd get their numbers too. by older elementary age, you don't need to be there for every outing, but if the parents are total strangers to you they should at least meet you the first time.
The case of a child telling you, the adult, "My mom is asking you to give me a ride home from to this activity" -- as a weekly commitment?-- is a no-go until the parent contacts you. To give the parents the benefit of the doubt, maybe all they did was mention it as a possibility in front of the kid, and they do plan to contact you directly themselves and were not sending her to deliver the request. I hope the kid didn't present it as "Oh, you're expected to take me home TODAY" without your being able to talk with the parents first--? I would call that mom now and just say, "Sally mentioned something about needing a ride each week home from X. Do you want to talk about that and make some arrangements?"
Most people are okay and won't do anything wrong. By that, I mean the chances of you meeting a genuinely bad person is probably pretty slim.
However, I still insist to meet the parents before I allow my kids to go anywhere or for kids to come to my house. I want a phone number as well. My kids also weren't allowed to go to their friends homes until they had memorized both mine and my husband's cell phones (unless we were close with the families already).
I can tell you one time a young boy got off at our bus stop that I hadn't seen before. He walked about half way down our street, to my house area, and looked panicked. He had gotten off at the wrong stop and was brand new. I asked him if we could call his mom and he didn't know her number (new house, new numbers). So I asked him if he was comfortable to let me drive him to his house - he was very trusting! We drove down several streets until he found his house. Then he invited me in for dinner :). The mom didn't seem the least bit concerned that her son was coming home so late from school (15 minutes after he should have) or that a random person brought him home. She was way more trusting than I would have been!
Unless I know the parents well, my child will not be allowed to go with them. Safety first.
My oldest is in 7th grade and this has started to come up in the last couple of years. Last year, there was a new girl in her grade. I met the mom twice in passing, and she texted me to invite me dd to go to dinner and ice skating to celebrate her dd's birthday. I was hesitant since I didn't really know her, but since her dd seemed like a great kid, I allowed it. This year, there is another new girl and my dd has been invited over to her house. Since my dd has told me that the parents often leave their girls home alone, I have not allowed her to go over there.
