Cast Party or Acolyte in Brother's Confirmation Service?

What do BOTH sons want? What is the decision deadline for choosing the acolyte? That's the key. They have to make a choice by the deadline and stick to it.

If older would want younger to be part of his confirmation, and younger is on the fence about cast party, then do the confirmation.

If older is proud of younger being in the play and wants him to be a part of the whole deal, then let younger go to the party if he wants to.

If younger is on the fence about the party and is proud of older brother's confirmation, then confirmation.

Hugs to you for all you're going through.

The confirmation service is much more important. There will be many more cast parties over the years if he stays in theater. While missing a performance wouldn't be an option, a cast party is a celebration, not an obligation.

Your son (the actor) is giving different answers to you now, and seeming not to have strong feelings about it now (as you note in your SWH addition.)

But the play itself is still two weeks away, and while doing the play before audiences, your son will greatly intensify his bonds with the rest of the cast. He may be saying now that "it might be kind of boring" but once the play is actually onstage -- I think he very likely will be burning to go to that cast party by the time the show's run is done.

That is something for you to bear in mind as you keep asking him about it. He's going to feel differently about the party once the play is underway and as it reaches its end -- which is really a major milestone for him. And he's going to want to celebrate it.

Also, you managed to write an amazingly and admirably calm post considering all the tough things going on your family right now, mentioning that these things are causing you stress -- but not mentioning how that stress is affecting your own attitude toward your son's dilemma and decision. Do you on an emotional level feel you really need your younger son there? Is there a part of you that will feel hurt or upset if he's not an acolyte in, or doesn't even attend, this service? Is there any feeling of "the confirmation may be the last big family event where we are all together"? I hate to put it that bluntly, but you were careful in the post to separate his schedule conflict from the serious illnesses in your family, and I wonder if in your own mind there is some link like that.

I think you need to own up to any feelings like those -- privately, not with your son there.

And then: Still let him choose and be clear his choice is truly OK with you. Assume that he doesn't really realize just yet how much he WILL want to go to the cast party; and I'd prepare myself for him to do that and not be at the confirmation.

Don't let it all hang until the last minute; let him go ahead and say yes to the party sooner, not later. He likely is well aware of the stresses the family is under and is reluctant to add to any stress by saying firmly that he does want to do his own thing; he also may be feeling guilty because he perfectly well knows that not only his brother but also his mom have put a lot of work into the confirmation. But if he really would rather go to the cast party that he's earned, and do his own thing with his own friends, I would say, back him up. Not just "let him do it" but back him up, which means not letting brother or dad or anyone else in the family make comments like "You should be there at the service for your brother" etc.

Your son is not asking to go to a football watching party on that Sunday, or to go play laser tag with buddies, or even to go to a friend's birthday party. He's weighing whether to go to a party that marks the end of a commitment for him. So I for one think it's different from just blowing off the confirmation for any other party or event.

This kind of conflict is going to come up again, based on the ages of your kids and their activities.

Oh, I hope you ignore the earlier post about how your son's "selfish, sinful nature" is what is prompting him to want to go the the party. What an awful thing to say about a kid this poster doesn't even know. You know your son best. Go with what you and he work out, not with guilt and shame as that person would have you do.

You know what? Either decision will be just fine. I would suggest, based on how much is going on in your family's life right now, and the tenseness that goes with all that, that you step out of this decision entirely. Your son is likely feeling pressured to make the "right" decision. Tell your younger son to think through this (to talk with his older brother also) make a decision and let you know by X date. Do not push him one way or the other. Again, either will be fine in the bigger picture.

They are now at the age where these things are going to be overlapping more and more.

I would allow your son to make his own choice.

Let him know there is no pressure, no judgement and no right answer. This is totally his choice.

I am sorry about your mother. Sending you strength and peace.

I suggest that what is happening with the rest of the family isn't related to the decision of going to the party or being an acolyte. I suggest that it's up to your youngest son to make the decision unless he consciously tells you he wants you to make it for him. Then, you decide what you, personally would prefer, and ask him to do that.

I suggest, from the way you worded it that your son wants to attend the cast party and is not expressing strong feelings because he wants to make you happy. I would tell him that whatever he decides will be OK with you, and mean it.

Yes, emotions are strong which makes decisions feel more serious. However, the decision you're describing here is much simpler if you take away the ill health of your family. For this one event, the confirmation, what would you prefer to have happen based on your own feelings about this one event?

Your younger son has been working hard and deserves the reward of the cast party. It's possible and even likely that he doesn't want to disappoint you by appearing too excited about attending considering all of the stress the family has been under and knowing it's at the same time as his brother's important event. He may worry that no one thinks his event is as important, but he needs to know that it is.

Since he would only be missing the church service, which is long and boring for youngers who have to sit and watch rather than participate, I wouldn't force him to serve on the altar. The pastor can find someone else to serve.

Well-I hope your mom fully recovers and your Gran- and, of course, the adoption becomes final.

Let your little son go to the cast party-and then be along for the family part later. In years, your older son won't even remember his confirmation, but your little son will always remember his participation in the play and the celebration afterwards-maybe someday, we'll see him on Broadway!

All the best-and take care-praying for all of you!

I would ask my son what he wants to do. And let him lead this.

Yes, it's an important time for his brother - however - it's also something he has put A LOT OF TIME AND EFFORT into!!!

CONGRATULATIONS on your new (hopefully) niece!! I pray that they will be able to bring her home!! How hard for the biological mom and then!!! Prayers and hugs being sent your way!!

I'm truly sorry about your mom and grandmother. I pray that they will recover fully and be healthy again!!!

You have a lot on your plate. Yes, I am praying for your family!

It's the cast party, not the play, right? If it were the play, that would be a real problem. The party is optional, and not everyone will attend. Certainly the adults involved will understand, even if your son's peers don't. If the party is very important, could your younger son attend the end of it, after the confirmation service is over? Does it overlap like that in any way?

I don't know your family dynamics, but a religious service a boy has been preparing for for years seems like a big deal. It's big enough that the church has asked younger brother to participate in it in a special way. It is something the younger brother will be doing himself as time goes by, and it might be a big enough deal to trump the cast party.

Another thought is to hold a second cast party at your house, shortly after the Confirmation and while the team (cast) spirit is still high. Kids don't usually object to two parties instead of one. That would be another thing for your to-do list, but it might be worthwhile.

You haven't mentioned what your son wants.

Are there any cast parents that can do u a favor and tranpsort knwing the situation.

another option would be to skip the cast party BUt instead offer to do something nice for the cast at a different time. EVen if it means forking over the money to take them all out to eat at a pizza place after dress rehearsal or something.

I hope it all turns out ok.

Which one do you want pictures of? I think you know what is important. It's ok to tell him what to do. He would probably be glad if you made the decision.

This is a tough one, and we had to recently deal with this- two things that go on at the same time, it stinks!!

My daughter had to choose between playing in a softball game or attending her school dance. She helped plan for and decorate for the dance. But she ultimately decided that she needed to go and support her team, and there would be other dances (not like it was the prom or anything).

If it were me, I would choose the confirmation service. This is once in a lifetime, where if he is in other plays, there will be other parties. The confirmation is special and important, and I would go that direction. But honestly, if the boys are ok with either, you can't lose.

And prayers for your family during this tough time.

I think you should let your son decide. You said he would still make the family gathering afterwards, so if he wants to go to the party, let him.

We are Lutheran, and the churches we have attended have always done the Confirmation during the regular morning service. Is 1-3 pm the typical time for your church to do it? That seems odd to me. But maybe it is different in different parts of the country or something...

For our family, the cast party would just have to be missed. Sorry that it was scheduled that way, but Confirmation IS a big deal and telling your son that a party is more important than the confirmation of his brother says something to your son that I'm not sure you want to say. Do you want your son (either of them?) to take away from this that Confirmation and First Communion is the same as some party? That choosing one over the other is simply a matter of which one would be more fun?

Our choices matter in these kinds of situations.
I also think that given the circumstances of your Mom and Grandma's health situations, that spiritual comfort would be a high priority for your family. I would speculate that your younger son KNOWS that it is more important for him to be at the Confirmation service (acolyte or not) than at the cast party, but his selfish sinful nature wants to go have fun, because, heck, "he deserves it, he's worked hard". Right? (Which is why he is vascillating about whether or not he wants to go when you ask him).
What does that 3 years of confirmation say about earning accolades and "deserving" to go party? What does Luther say about serving your neighbor? (Hint: it isn't go have fun instead of dutiful service to your neighbor).
Sure, he's a kid, but these really are the kinds of choices that can make a big difference in the type of adult he becomes later in life.

Very sorry you are going through so much. I sincerely hope that YOUR neighbors are stepping up in service for your family during this time.
Blessings to your family, and especially your son on his confirmation!

I re-read your post and realized I missed the part about the cast party being during the service - not the play itself. (So I am re-writing my answer.)

I was trying to figure out what the part about your family being ill had to do with the problem at hand, (not that your hospitalized family members aren't a very important part of the stress you are undergoing now, that's for sure!) but I think that one poster had a really good point that your son may be feeling from you that this is linked with him going to the cast party. I don't think that this is particularly fair to do to him. Just be sure not to throw sick family up in the air nearby the conversation about cast party versus church.

If it were my family, what I would do is take him to the church service first, and as soon as it is over, have a friend drive him over to the cast party. He would be late, but I'll bet he would have a good time. That way he gets to do both things. OR, pass on being an acolyte, have him be there for the important part of the ceremony, and have the friend take him as soon as your older son's part is complete. That way he would be there for most of the ceremony, and not as late for the cast party.

It is true what one poster said about how important being together after a play is done can be to these kids. It SHOULD be there for them. It's one of those things that help make kids want to perform - I think that sometimes we don't think about this part of it.

I'm sorry you are going through all this stuff in your life. I am sure that your mom and your grandmother are very proud of your kids. Make sure to have someone go to the dress rehearsal and videotape it so that your mom and grandmother can watch their grandson's play.

I hope all goes smoothly with the adoption process. Emotions ride awfully high during this, for sure.

Good luck, and happy confirmation to your older child!
Dawn

it might be that your younger son doesn't want to sound to "into" the party because he doesn't think he'll get to go. honestly mama, as a lutheran myself, i would say little brother should pass this party up. just my two cents.

family is everything, and especially now. there will be other parties.

For all that is going on I would really really really change the church service to another date or put it at a different time of day. A cast party is a big deal and he is making it sound like it's not so you won't feel bad that he really wants to go to it instead.

A cast party cannot be changed for just one person but a church service can be slightly changed to accommodate the family of honor.

If you can get your son to the cast party without missing your older son's confirmation, I would do that. It is important to your son, so he should have to miss it unless he HAS to. Would it be possible to have him leave the party early to make the confirmation service/pictures even if only partially?

Ask the boys to talk it over between them and see what they prefer.