I was just approached at work about my interest and the possiblity of taking a Divison level position in my company in my area of expertise. The other two locations in my division are in Texas and California. I already act as a resource to both locations...meaning when there is a question that comes up, the people doing my same function there call me for advice. I am also doing some of their work anyway. I could do the work...I am not afraid of that. However, this would require me to do a bit of travel to the other locations. The initial thought from the boss was a couple of days every month or every other month, but would be negotiable. Obviously, I would have to get some CLEAR direction as to how much travel is involved. My job responsibilities and accountabilities would have to be defined as well. There is no one that covers my responsibilities at the facility that I work at when I am gone, so some adjustments would have to be made. One of the problems would be that there would likely be no immediate promotion or job increase. I was told that the money would come... Again, I need to have this clearly defined...does it mean 6 months, 1 year, 10 years? So right now I am looking at possibility of a unofficial promotion with more work, no additional pay and some travel. This is the kind of thing that would haunt me if I turned it down. I would essentially blackball myself from future advancement within the company.
The main problem is my husband. He is not in favor of any travel. My kids are 4 and 6 and I have traveled a total of twice since they were born and he threw a fit then. He feels that it is not fair to him that he would have to step in and do more...that I would be shorting the family. Background on him : He has worked for the State for going on 10 years. He is working FAR below his potential and he is underpaid big time. He has not had a raise in years. I have begged and pleaded with him to look for something else or go back to school part-time so that he can get a better job. He just will NOT do it no matter what I say. He has said that any schooling will take a couple of years to complete, which is true. However, we have had this ongoing argument for longer than that. He finally admitted to me that he just didn't want to go back to school. So, essentially he is not happy at his job, but he is not willing to do anything else. He has NO advancement possibilities at his current job. Literally, due to the retirement schedules of other people, he might be up for a promotion in about 8 years or so. The benefits there are also getting cut like crazy.
I cannot make him do anything with his current job...I have pretty much given up on that regard. Therefore, I feel that any advancement or increases in our salary and quality of life is on me. Given the state of his job, I feel that I HAVE to at least consider this move carefully. I cannot just turn it down because he would have to do more around the house.
His job is 8-4:30 so he wouldn't have to change his hours at all...he would just be more involved in pick-up/drop off. When I do travel, I make it as easy for him as possible. I do laundry and cook meals in advance. He is making me feel as though I am selfish for even considering this. This opportunity could lead to financial gain for us. Obviously, I would not take it if it required a lot of travel. But at the same time, is it unreasonable to ask that he allow me to further my career since he has no intention of doing anything different with his? I am so conflicted as to what to do. If and when an offer comes through, I will have to consider it carefully. What would you do?
Go for it! "He feels it is not fair to him that he would have to step in and do more.." WAAAHHHH.
It's a marriage, it takes two. Tell him to put on his big boy pants and be the father/husband/partner he agreed to be when the two of you married.
I know, I know that's all easier said than done, it just bothers me when a spouse doesn't 'get it'. Sorry to sound ugly. Good luck.
Not fair to him? What is, this junior high? It sounds like a great opportunity and in this current employment environment, I would take it. He'll just have to put on his big boy pants and deal with it. Your kids will be just fine, and he will be fine too. Sounds like your husband is just averse to change. That's OK, but it doesn't mean that he gets to hold you back, especially because the fact that he has settled means that any and all advancement is on you.
As to a "future" promotion...do you trust your boss? Do you trust your company? I do trust mine, and my trust has been rewarded. I took an "unofficial" promotion years ago that gave me more work and direct reports. I didn't get a raise at the time because of a wage freeze, but at the next opportunity, I not only got a 25% raise I got a 15% bonus. During recent layoffs, I have taken over jobs for 2 colleagues who were let go - their ENTIRE jobs, not just some functions - and I just got a 7% merit increase a bonus that's 20% of my salary. Honestly I'd prefer to have co-workers instead, but I know that my boss went to the mat for me and got me the best deal that he could under the circumstances. If you work for good people who have a history of doing right by people, don't let the "we can't pay you now" status get in the way of something for which you will be rewarded in the future. Obviously get some kind of time line in place (like the next review/merit/bonus cycle) and weigh the character of the people you work for, but don't let that be a deal breaker if they literally can't promote you now.
I think this is a sexist situation. I don't pull that card very often, but this is pretty blatant.
There are 2 parents. 2 full time jobs. One parent has the opportunity to advance and it requires some travel. That parent is willing to make sacrifices to better the family. The other parent should also be willing to make sacrifices for the good of the family. This is a good team, both members putting the group before themselves.
It shouldn't matter whether the traveller is the woman or the man. However, have you ever in your life heard a man say, "I'm confused. I want to advance in my career, but it requires travel and my wqife will throw a fit because it means she will have to pick up the slck with the kids?" HELL NO! That's ridiculous. Men do what they think is best for the family and women support them and even thank them for it!
I encourage you to have a serious talk with your husband letting him know what you've decided and what you need from him. Let him know you value his opinion and partnership, but you truly feel this is best for the whole family.
I think it's totally fair to your hubby. 8-4:30 is not a demanding schedule at all and likely he has it pretty good already if you work full time and do most of the kid stuff. If your kids were both under 2 I could see his point but your kids probably aren't so hard anymore. I used to hate when my husband was gone but now that mine are a bit older, it's not a big deal. Remind him that passing this up now likely means it'll never come again and maybe it'll be a year of annoyance for him but when the kids are 5 and 7, no big deal that your gone in terms of workload on him. What the heck does he do now when he gets home from work at 4:30 or 5?? I'm the one who gets home at 5 so I get dinner on the table, play with the kids etc until my husband gets home around 7ish. And a couple of days a month isn't a huge deal. Your kids will adjust. If he has no ambition, that's his choice. But so long as you're not talking a job where you're never home etc, go for it. How does he plan to pay for college for the kids if he won't advance and won't let you? In a lot of ways I work for my kids' futures... Maybe your kids will miss you now (of course they will) but it's not a lot of time away in the grand scheme and I bet when they're older and you can help pay for some college etc, they'll agree the tradeoff was worth it.
Go for it. Get everything in writing as to a time frame for raises, travel and such. Since hubby doesn't want to improve himself he wants you to stay the same and be miserable with him.
Do what you must so that your family can have quality of life. If he feels that it won't work you will have the financial means to go forward without him.
Speak with hubby about where he sees himself in 5 or 10 years. See if that lines up with what you want and where you want to be. This will give you a clue as to what your choices are for your future.
Good luck on the job. Perhaps there maybe more to this job than you might know. Management is strange and they do things we don't always know about for the long term good.
The other S.
PS Time for the other partner to pull his weight in this marriage.
The decision is up to your family but I did want to say my husband pitches a fit when I travel. Is it fair he acts like a kid over this topic? No. Do I want to throttle the bejesus out of him for being silly and order him to put on his big boy britches? Yes. However, for us the strife while I travel is completely not worth it and no amount of counseling, communicating, or hand wringing is changing the man's view of my work travel. If the travel requirements for my job ever increased, I would say no thank you and I would have to deal with the possibly career limiting nature of that decision. I am the primary bread winner in my house so it is not a decision I take lightly. Also in my experience the travel committment is always more not than less than it is pitched as. Good luck in your decision making process.
I would very seriously consider it, especially because if you turn this down, you are literally sealing the coffin on future advancement. BUT I've been down that road before where they promise more money will come, and then it never does. So, I would ask for something in writing regarding salary increases. If there is not going to be any more money, I don't see any reason to take a job with more responsibility and travel.
If they are not willing to compensate you, why take on the extra work?
Don't let them say that they will gve you more money in the future at some point. That's BS. You need a firm number and date signed. UNless it's in writing, don't do it. They are taking advantage of you.
As for the hubby part. he would have to step it up. But only if it means more money. That's totally fair.
It's not about the career, it's about your husband. You can do the travel. It wouldn't be that inconvenient. Worst case, maybe you can involve another mom to carpool your kid, but hubby'll still have to man up and get the kids ready.
And he doesn't have to "go back to school" to get an education. I'm taking classes online at a local community college. If he's embarrassed by being older than other kids, he doesn't have to deal with that online.
I wish you luck - it sounds like a great opportunity, and your husband is being unreasonable.
Absolutely I would take it. It sounds like you are already doing the most career work as well as the most childcare in your household. Time for him to pitch in. With a straight 8-4:30 schedule he should have no difficulty picking up the kids and making dinner a few extra nights a month. If you don't take it, will your opportunities for advancement in this company dry up? I would be very careful not to get 'mommy tracked' if you can avoid it. A couple days a month of travel sound like fun.
Hi T., This is the way I see it. Your hubby has been able to decide what he wants to do about his job, so YOU should be able to also. I don't think you traveling a couple days a month is not "fair" to your husband. REALLY? He should be able to handle it, that is all there is to it. You are making efforts to better yourself in your career and to help your family finacially since your husband CHOOSES not to do that himself. I would not think twice about it and would move forward. I wish you the very best of luck with this. =)
I say go for it however if your company truly can not give you a raise request additional vacation time or more flexible hours when you have to travel. Get them to set the terms in writing. Verbal agreements aren't easy to enforce.
If they aren't willing to give you a 10-20% raise then request an additional 7 or more vacation days to compensate you for your hard work. They may be wiling to do that.
As for your hubby and him not being ambitious for the betterment of your family, if he won't you should. Laundry can be taken to a local laundry mat that has laundry services. It costs but it frees up your time or in this case his time. I've done this at several points in my marriage and I've only been married for 2 1/2 years. They do a professional job or washing, drying and folding for very little money in the scheme of things.
Your kids will be just fine and hubby will grow up some too. It will be a very nice change for you and the family. I say go for it.
As someone who travels for 3 days every-other-month... don't do this if your husband isn't 100% supportive. My husband actually loves the time alone with the kids, but if he didn't I would not have taken this job.
You have posted about your husband's lack of motivation many times and now it is impacting your professional life, not just his own. He doesn't want to take care of the kids, he doesn't want to increase his earning potential, he doesn't want... he doesn't want... what do you want?
As I said at the start, this is a family decision in a sense because travel is tough. My husband turned down a recent offer because of the travel- we can't both be "travelers" and candidly I make more money and have better job security, so my job trumped his. We discussed it, though, in detail before making that decision.
If he's not going to be the primary caregiver while you are gone and is going to make you feel guilty for traveling, then don't do it. My husband mentioned ONE time that it must be nice to get to stay in a hotel and get a few days of quiet. My response? "Don't ever say that again- it's not "fun" while I'm away. I'm working and going back to a quiet hotel room to do more work and reading while you get to have cuddles and alone time with our kids." Hasn't come up again.
You do have to balance a happy marriage with more money but you sound very reasonable while your husband sounds a tad lazy to be honest. Sorry! But it's not like he's working his butt off and now you're gong to be dumping all the childcare on him... So if you get clear guidance when the raise will be and how much travel and like someone said, you trust your company, I'd do it. Some things I just don't ask my husband really anymore. I'm the main breadwinner and get dinner on the table every night so sometimes I just say "your turn for the dishes tonight." He's adapted... I'd outline exactly how many hours this means extra for him versus how many you put in now and see - will he really be working harder than you now? I doubt it... So if that's the case, ask him what he's complaining about. And once you get the raise, tell him to order in dinner those nights! Difference in ambition can be tough on a marriage so make sure you show him you're compromising too. You're not expecting much of him so he should give you some slack too.
Honestly, I would get the issues cleared up with your employer and take the job. My husband is exactly the same way about having to deal with kid things. You really should do what's best for you and your family. I always say the details will work themselves out when they need to.
I personally wouldn't take it without a significant increase in pay because the extra stress at home and the time away from my kids would not make it worth it for me otherwise. I understand that you would be "blackballed" from possible future promotions but are you willing to take the risk of adding more duties/travel/etc. to your plate without a guaranteed pay increase/promotion? What if your company doesn't do well and they decide there's no money in the budget to give you your increase? If you feel the stress of being a primary breadwinner, how about looking elsewhere for a new job that would actually pay you more for your increased responsibilities? It just doesn't seem like a fair deal to me for you to do so much more with zero change in pay and title.
I would take the position. You are making the best decision for the entire family and your husband will just need to adjust his attitude. Besides if he stands in your way of success you will resent him. At the end of the day his attitude about this may cause a separation or divorce and at that point he will have to take on additional duties regardless.
Depending on the travel, I would probably take it. Although my kids both have a hard time when I'm not home at night. Perhaps you could arrange the travel time for every other week, fly Thurs night, there Friday, home by Saturday. that way the work at your base would be minimal down time, and hubby's step up at home would be minimal also.
You hubby is trying to drag you down to his level of incompetence. Don't let him. His job may be at a standstill and if he works for the State of Florida I can see why. I am not slamming Florida but I know you guys really took a hit in this economy.
The time has come for negotiation with your boss. You need to set up a meeting with him and find out exactly what is being offered. Tell him you will take the job but only with a 20% pay raise -- negotiate to maybe a 10% pay raise. If you will be doing more work and traveling you will need more money, plain and simple. Look for and hire a Mother's helper to help out when you travel or if needed all the time.
Do not 'make things easier for hubby' -- it's time for him to put on his big boy pants and grow up. He is just a able to learn to do laundry and make meals and run errands with and for the kids.
It is also time to take a real look at your marriage. Is it really good or have you been dragging around a dead weight for years? If he has settled for less are you willing to? If you want to be upwardly mobile and grow in your career you can't let him rob you of your sunshine.
