Hi everybody,
I need some help on this one since its been bothering me a bit.
About 2 weeks ago, there were about 5 of us mothers (all friends) sitting on a bench in the playground talking while our kids played. We were having a good time, laughing, joking etc. All of a sudden my friends 10 year old comes sobbing to her, and whispers something in her ear. She raises her voice and SCREAMS at me that my son (12) hurt her son (10). I taken back and asked immediately what happened. She said that my son had got him in a head hold (I guess that's what you would call it) and he was upset. So naturally I ran to look for my son and ask what was going on. Her and her son came as well. So I ask him and I can tell he wasn't been quite honest and she screams out liar, your lying!!!! I remained calm and just listened then she works her way further in her anger and goes real close to him and threatens to hit him!! I was so shocked, and felt so uncomfortable, I just did not know what to do! At this time people where watching us cause she was screaming like a mad woman. We walked back to the bench to join the others and she told them she was close to beating him! We all felt so uncomfortable cause we were such good friends. She sat at the end of the bench holding her son, showering him with kisses, and saying to me that he was a delinquint and he should be reprimanded big time. ( meanwhile, her son had stopped crying a long time ago with almost a smirk on his face). I was feeling so bad I said yeah of course he's going to be reprimanded if he did that. Then she continues..no infact you should have your husband do something as well.
OK to make a long story short, what would you have done? I was expecting an apology in the very least.
I take responsibility for my sons behaviour. But to tell you about this family, this boy is an only child of older parents. He gets his way with everything! He"s 10 and is not auto sufficient in the bathroom! Last time a 5 year old boy 'hurt" him and again the mother ran and yelled at his mom causing the mom to get so agitated that she slapped her small child.
Plz help me mammas! What would you do? We live in a small town where eventually you bump into each other. And now, our friends are divided as well. All would be well if she just apologized for her exaggerated behaviour. I apologized for mine, and my child apologized as well. Any advise will be so appreciated. Thank you.
Thank you all for your responses. Over the past couple weeks of thinking, I came to a point where I needed confirmation that my feelings that I could not easily shrug off was justified. Today I spoke to one of the ladies and she said because of my cool, calm reaction, I must have been okay. Actually, I would have been okay if she apologized for her exaggerated behaviour. But, like all of you advised me, she does not even realize her offense. She did nothing wrong (never has, never will...:-))Our mutual friend that was actually more friends with her, was really upset and felt bad that I felt that way. She says she had seen her since, and that mother never brought up the incident again. She completely understood how I was feeling and said she would have felt the same. Oh well, one more thing..about a few days ago she (crazy) had organized for the mothers to go for a walk. And she had told my friend to bring me,but to leave my kids!!! What nerve!!! She hadn't realized ANYTHING! Now I feel stupid that I bit my tongue, just as not to ruin our friendship. There was NO friendship there, at least not a genuine on. Thanks ladies for your loving advise. Life sure is a learning in progress------:-)
The first time anyone threatens to hit or beat my child is the last time I have anything to do with them. Period.
Wow. That would be the end of that friendship.
I think you should forget about apologies on either side, and just be civil whenever you bump into her or are forced to be in her company, and avoid her otherwise. That was WAY out of line, and she's a nutcase.
Can you move from the small town? I know I had a lot of problems in a small town. You can make friends with the same values and expectations of behavior.
I usually don't look up peoples past posts but something in yours made me feel the need. I noticed a trend in your posts being about friends misbehaving. I think maybe you need to look for different friends altogether. That or start standing up for yourself and your family, otherwise people are going to keep walking all over you.
Your friend is nuts and an apology would not fix that.
You were all on the bench and goes into a manic episode after a whisper from her son.
She wasn't there with the kids - she didn't see what happened - she didn't listen to both sides.
My first reaction would be - get away from my kid.
And then - are you insane? what is WRONG with you?
Her behavior makes it impossible to hear from both kids about what really happened.
And seeing as it's happened before - her son is the likely cause and will continue to happily make Mommy jump up snarling and foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal.
It's one heck of a show he's got going there, and you can just BET fifty cents he gets treats and presents afterward.
I'm sorry but the friendship between you and her should be over.
You and your kids are done with her and hers.
If you hang out together anymore, be prepared to take a video and send it off to Dr Phil.
She's good material for at least one show, possibly more.
You did the WRONG thing-sorry. I would never let anyone treat my children or me like that. Honestly I think that you need to either call or meet with this woman to discuss this and then end this friendship. You should not associate with anyone who would do this to you anymore-its a matter of self respect.
For you and for your son.
I would also have a talk with my son and apologize for not handling that situation correctly. Tell him that threatening behavior and name calling is NEVER ok no matter who is doing it and why. That you shouldn't have let her talk to you and him like that and that you should have defended him against this attacker. Acknolwedge that he was also wrong in the initial behavior as well.
She was completely out of line.
As an "older parent of an only child" myself, I can say this much:
She's a loony tune.
Your child was corrected by YOU.
You apologized, your child apologized.
She has chosen not to.
There you go.
Live your life. Ignore the cartoon characters! LOL
My response (I sincerely hope) would have been to stand between her and my child at the time it happened with a firm - 'you do NOT yell at or threaten my child'. Knowing that you are in your child's corner and will protect and advocate for him is WAY more important than this crazy woman.
Children look 'guilty' for all sorts of reasons - mostly because they know they are going to be yelled at or punished - whether or not they have done anything wrong. Same as when people think their dog 'knows it was wrong' because it cowers - it just knows it is going to be yelled at. So - maybe your son did this, maybe not, maybe they were playing and the younger kid changed his mind and decided he didn't want to play. Your son deserves a calm hearing by rational people.
S., you post a lot about your "friends" and their kids. It sounds like you need to get some new "friends" honestly.
This woman, especially, is psycho & toxic, and her kid sounds like a huge brat. Not people I'd be hanging out with. Thing is, you can try to talk to her, but she will never admit fault, and she will always parent the way she parents, and her kid will never change. I mean, what mom of a 10 year old boy gets mad about playful wrestling? Kind of hypocritical of her to scream & threaten to hit a child while simultaneously telling him not to touch hers...
What you need to tell the other friends that were there is, that you will not be spending time with crazy lady, and that you understand it's awkward for them & will not ask them to take sides, but that you'd still like to enjoy their friendship. It sounds like everyone now knows this lady is crazy, and maybe are too scared to ditch her. In any event, it's time to move on from her.
ETA - Personally, I would NOT be discussing the event with the other friends that witnessed it. If they are followers & too scared to stand up to her, then they most likely will tell her what you told them.
I would have apologized and had my son do as well... However, I would also leave the premises and not hang out with that person again..... even IF it means you run into her again.. Oh I'd be courteous, but if she's gonna start name-calling and freaking out , yikes............. Try and stay as far away as you can...
Wow momma, you should have silenced her the moment she tried to threaten your child, but hindsight is 20/20 as they say.
I live in a small town also so I get the dynamics. Do not expect an apology,, she just isn't going to give it so quite wasting your breath there. If she has done this before she will do it again and do you really want to remain friends with someone who's temper is that short? Do you really want to put your child in that position again for behaving like a child?
As for divided friends, let them stay divided. Do you really want to be friends with people who feel it is okay to threaten another persons child? I sure as hell wouldn't and I wouldn't want them around my child if they feel that that kind of behavior is okay.
Be cordial, but end the relationship. I can't even say friendship cause no friend would treat a friends child that way.
I would find a different group to hang out with. Or at least not this mama.
Don't buy into Mama Drama.
There were apologies on your side. They weren't reciprocated.
Let it go. Don't fuel the fire by talking about it to everyone that was there to see it for themselves. No need to re-hash.
You can be civil during your encounters and choose to keep your distance otherwise at the same time.
Just my opinion.
She sounds like a mom who thinks her baby can do no wrong. If that's the case, you're not going to hear an apology. After all, in her mind she was just protecting her baby (who can do no wrong).
The best think you can do is just let it go and see if there is anything you wish you had done differently. I'm not criticizing you, but when you're caught off guard like that it's easy to have regrets and wish we had said or done something differently. If you think about those things now, you will be much more prepared when something like this happens again. And something like this most likely will happen again, either with this mom or with some other mom.
If your friends are divided, just give it time. I know that's easier said than done, but unless you or the other mom continue to talk about it, it will soon be forgotten. If the other mom tries to keep this topic alive she will eventually just look like a fool.
Take the high road!!! It's totally worth it.
i think i wouldve tolerated it up until she threatened to hit your son.. then i wouldve absolutley lost it .. i wouldve told her if she ever threatened to or laid a hand on my kid ever again shed get the sh*t beat out of her.. and that if she didnt shut her mouth id do it for her .. theyre kids, sh*t happens ..especially that theyre boys, theyre going to play rough and theyre gna get hurt.. it happens .. honestly she sounds like a psycho to me ..
Just one thing to add (and I might get chastened for this), but if you knew that this mother has gone off on a five year old, and you know that he's not quite 'up to snuff' maturity-wise, it might have been good to warn your older, more capable 12 year old NOT to engage in wrestling moves/fighting play with this child. Me, personally, I don't know that I would have been hanging out with someone so volatile (the friend), and if I really wanted to keep up that friendship with the mom's group, I would have given my child pretty specific instruction on *how to play* with that child, if only to save my kid the trauma of that parent acting out yet again.
Now you know, right?
What would I have done? Judging from all of the information you have given, the above is what I would have done-- either given my child a lot of helpful information beforehand OR distanced myself from that potential situation. For what it's worth, I have distanced myself from a mother who does not attend to her bully child because I knew that *I* would go off on the mother if something happened to my kid, and I didn't want to put everyone else through that, most esp. my kid. I won't tolerate children being allowed to bully, and this mother explains away behavior/turns a blind eye... I decided that the onus was on me to take the high road and not put all of us in that position. I'm not a volatile person, but everyone has their limits....and I know mine.
Just another take on it. And don't hold your breath waiting for her to apologize. At this point, I doubt it is going to make things any better.
Is there a big size difference between your 12 year old and the 10 year old child.
Generally speaking, I'm suprised that play between a 12 year old child, needs to be observed by five mothers.
Does your boy play with kids his own age and if so, do you monitore him?
A growth spirt between 10 and 12 years of age can be huge....Therefore, the 12 year olds ability to hurt a younger smaller child (even in play) can be understandable.
I feel like there may be some details missing in this post and perhaps just the parents (moms and dads and the boys) need to have a private discussion to resolve bad feelings. This does not mean you need to be friends with the woman and probably your 12 year old, should stear clear of her 10 year old and play with children his own age.
Well, the lady sounds like a raving lunatic. Her response was not normal, she sounds crazy! Your son's offense was not so bad that it required that type of response. Boys are physical in their play, my son and his friends wrestle all the time.
I am not saying what your son did was O.K., but that mom is over the top,. She should have let you handle it.
I would not worry about an apology, it is not going to happen. Just chalk her up as a nut and try to keep your son away from hers.
Try to be objective. Take ages and birth order out of the moms and kids for now.
The first issue is what happened between the boys. You didn't see what happened...neither did psycho mom (ok, sorry, name calling is not being objective :) ) Whatever happened was between the boys - only they know the truth. First and foremost, you need to help your son deal with this the best way he can - if he knows psycho kid was lying, then go from there - teach your son to make better decisions around this kid aka stay discreetly away from him when psycho kid is around.
And the 2nd issues is psycho mom's reaction. Yes, that was embarrassing, and yes, perhaps unfair. She/her son might have had it out for you and/or your son for a while and was just looking for a reason. She might just very well do this to everyone she's friends with, meaning, noone will be safe from her wrath and anger. And obviously, she has a temper problem and has a poor way of dealing with anything that has to do with her son.
If this is a small community then you can't completely ignore her and it sounds like treating her with the same hostility can make it worse for you. You don't know if the other moms may feel the same way as psycho mom about you and you just don't know it. Don't burn any bridges...if you see her or others pulling away from you, then just lay low until this blows over. Don't talk about her behind her back and if you run into her, keep things short and sweet. You may have to swallow a bit of pride for a while but I promise you'll come out of this looking like the better person. And, if this is her MO, then she'll eventually mouth off to somone else, and everyone will see that something is truly wrong with her and her son, and nothing wrong with you.
One day she might make an enemy out of everyone and might come crawling back to you asking for your forgiveness bc she noticed that you never talked behind her back and you've always treated her respectfully. Do NOT be caught off guard! Be prepared for that day...it could be next week, it could be next year. That can be your opportunity to be kind, forgive her and let her know while you are glad you guys can still be friends, you have to be very careful when the boys are together now bc your main job is to protect your son and keep him safe from bullying and attacks and let her know you hope she understands.
Sadly it sounds like something is very wrong. This Momma switched her meds or is on hormones to conceive or needs to be on meds, something. What exactly did your son say happened?? Did her son have marks on his neck? I would want to put some distance between this woman, ask your son to keep far away from her son!
That mom needs meds!!! I know you were in shock as most sane moms would have been. But please NEVER let anyone speak to your child or you again. Now that you know she is crazy, you know what to do. I would also make sure your child stays clear of her son. To tell you the truth I would not speak to her ever again.
Ok so her 10 year old is not self sufficient in the bathroom (how does he deal with being in school?) and seems to get hurt by kids (including those half his age)...is he just an easy target or is he being a baby? I am wondering if he has some condition or disability that makes he younger than his actual age? If so, that may explain her overboard reaction...not making it right but explaining it none the less.
That said, I personally think she should have allowed you to speak to your son without her and her son hovering. I also think that if it had been my son she called a liar in that situation, I would have said "Excuse me, I am speaking to my son right now and would appreciate if you let me do so".
Did your son have her son in a headlock? Did he actually hurt him or just restrain him? Why was this done...were they playing or was your son being mean or a bully? I don't need the answers but it makes a difference on how to handle your son and this woman AND possibly how/why she was so upset.
My take is that she was beyond "mama bear" since she was threatening to hit your son and acting that way even though you were addressing the situation. The question is why? Is her son special needs or does she just baby him too much? Could be both????
I would try to talk to her without the boys present, maybe have her over for coffee (or meet her somewhere...maybe in public she will control herself better than in private). Tell her that you are very sorry there seems to be tension between you and hope to resolve that. Tell her that while you completely understand wanting to protect her child, you aren't sure why she had such an over the top reaction. The boys were being boys and playing. If/when you son got to rough, all he had to do was say something and your son would stop (and hopefully that is true) but her threatening to hit your son (especially since he was no longer hurting her son AND you were addressing it) was unacceptable. Ask her if everything is ok with her and her son? I am wondering if something is wrong...health wise maybe. An adult hitting another child is unacceptable (if she had to do so to defend her son such as to get someone off him, that is different). When/if she defends her actions, explain that you also saw the instance with the 5 year old too and you are just concerned with her reactions and her son being overly proctected (which could make him a bigger target)...he is a tween now.
she's a nutbag. and you handled her graciously.
that being said, two mamabears tangling will never solve anything or set anything but a horrible example for kids. i do not agree with all the advice to threaten her back.
since this is a group of friends, not some random nutbag on the playground, i would make an effort to work through it. i'd meet this mom somewhere neutral and use carefully non-accusatory language to attempt to talk it out. something along the lines of 'i know you were very upset the other day, and i understand why. none of us likes it when our kids are hurt or scared, do we? my son behaved badly and i'm not happy about that. but just like you, i feel that it's appropriate for us to handle it ourselves. it felt to me as if you didn't trust me to discuss and decide on a consequence for my own child, and wanted to punish him yourself. i'm sure you can understand that i can't have that, any more than you would allow me to scare or punish your son. what can we to make sure that if our boys have an issue again (and they probably will, they're both full of beans, aren't they?) we can handle it calmly and without threats?'
if she has her mind back, you may be able to brainstorm something that works, even it's not totally satisfactory. if she's still breathing fire and feels it's appropriate to threaten to beat your son, you're probably going to need to terminate the relationship.
i don't think the other boy's issues are germane. whether or not he has bathroom issues, your son hurt him, and his own mama had a meltdown. neither is his fault, and i don't think it's appropriate to try and shift the blame to him.
khairete
S.
I was in a play group with a kid that always caused drama. His mom blamed the other kids.
I told my daughter to stay away from him, and if he kept following her, what not, come get me.
Ignore the womn, don't discuss it with friends, and get your kid to sty away from her kid.
Well this seemed easy until the "friends divided" part. WHAT??! Small town? Ugh. Then my advice to ditch this doting psycho could be too simplistic.
I don't know what kind of people could side with her if it happened as you say it did. They should have helped calm her down and then helped make light of the whole thing when she continued her rant-NOT side with an angry threatening screamer. My two daughters were EACH maliciously punched a few times by a friend's brat recently and I didn't even yell at her. For the good of the greater situation (party at her house) I reassured and comforted my kids in private and let if go since I knew she wouldn't do anything to her spoiled brat no matter what I did.
This lady obviously has MAJOR psychological issues to be lashing out when we all know kids will be kids and they all make mistakes and do things wrong sometimes. And BELIEVE me my kids are well disciplined and nice to others, but they could make a mistake one day (and I WOULD discipline them for it) and anyone else threatening them like that would be VERY sorry they felt that was appropriate when I got done talking to them about it. Threats like she was making could only be met with apologies or further threats from her upon confrontation, and with apologies we would resolve it and with more threats I would put her VERY SQUARELY in her place.
At this point, you have apologized. Stay nice, and don't talk mean about this mom. Maybe you could mention to those "siding" with her that you have reprimanded you son and do feel bad and she knows this. Keep a sweet gracious tone and move on.
Maybe let her and everyone else know that out of "respect to her" you have advised your child to keep away from hers.
Then just sit back and let time take care of things. Her little wimp will be "terrorized" by someone new any minute and her wrath will be averted.
Yuck, sorry you know her.
Your poor son. Wow.
I'd be willing to bet that both the kids were horsing around equally. Sounds like her son is a little manipulator. Wonder where he learned that ? The mom was SCREAMING at your son?! I don't think so. Nope. I would have stepped in and told her I would deal with my son, to excuse us so I could talk to him in private.
Obviously at that point her son was FINE. right? I would have gotten my son's side of the story, let him apologize (assuming that was appropriate) and I would have said something to the mom about her screaming at my child. That was not necessary, and not her place. And then to sit and tell you what you should do as punishment and how you should enlist your husband? Ummmm.... that would have gotten a "I'll discuss what happened with my husband. " I know there is pressure to jump on your kid in a situation like that, but if her son is 10, and yours is not a blatant bully, then her son was just as much involved as yours.
It is evident where her 10 year old learns how to function among "friends", I will say that.
It seems like the other mother is protecting her child and he does no wrong and so don't expect her to apologize at all because she feels your child was at fault and her child did nothing. IF this is like most cases where boys do this sort of thing I would guess, maybe not rightly, that both boys were messing around. Boys don't usually just run up and grab someone and put them in a headlock, do they? Usually they are wrestling or doing something to each other to provoke it. Your son is older and like you were advised on here I would tell him to behave better when out with other kids and to keep his hands off them. But I think this other woman was way out of line and it's your job to discipline your child, not hers. I think the boys should have both been talked to together to get both sides of it, your son should have said he was sorry to the other boy, you then discipline him at home if he has done this often, and end of story. If it was me I would not be around your so called friend and the insult of being asked to come without your kids would do it for me. I feel badly for her son as he's learning he can get away with anything even if his fault because mommy will protect him and never make him be accountable. Even if he's not at fault but that leaves him open to being at fault and getting away with whatever he wants.
I would have said something!! But thats just me I have a big mouth and need to control it sometimes! :D You did the right thing by keeping calm and not going off on her as if I would. You know who your real friends are now, if your group of friends are divided. Now, I dont have a son but I will pretty soon, so Im thinking your son was just roughhousing or playing. Thats what boys do! I spoil my 13 year old daughter, but she knows how to behave, and to work, and to earn things. She doesnt wine either! ;) I cant stand whining! Lol But Im glad you did the right thing!
What an over-exaggerating psycho! I would have been livid!!!!!!! I, however, would not have been able to sit quietly. The second she made a single move towards my son's face & started threatening, it would have been OVER for her. LOL! I don't lay hands on anyone but the Mama Bear in me would certainly come out. At this point, forget her! She's nuts. I would include the friends you still have a relationship with in the things you want to do and don't include this lady. She'll get the picture. If she calls or e-mails asking what's up just be honest. Best policy. Good luck with this one. ...I'm boiling on your behalf! I can't imagine how mad you must have been...... AAAAAAAAAAH!
At this point, you're the one who came off looking much better in the situation. The other mothers in the group won't forget what happened and how you kept your cool while she lost hers.
The only thing I would have done differently is I would have confronted her and pointed out that threatening a child with violence and hitting in retaliation is inappropriate and asked her to calm down. It would have reinforced the image of her being the one that's over-reacting. I would have verbally reprimanded the rough house play, and let that be the end of it, but it's very clear that Over-reacting Mom wanted you to beat your child in front of her as a punishment.
After that, I'd forget any hope of her apologizing if you couldn't shame her into one. Don't plan any more gatherings with her, but if you can't avoid her when others plan gatherings then ignore when you can and be polite if you can't avoid her completely. Don't bring up the incident again to her or anyone else. If she or anyone else brings it up again, I would probably reply with, "You know, I really don't feel like discussing that again. It's over and done with." Then change the subject or walk away.
I don't think you handled this completely well. I understand up until she called him a liar. I would have pushed my kid behind me, turned to her and said that she needed to get control of herself and leave us alone.
It sounds like the boys were gooffing around like boys and the 10 year old either got hurt or was mad. Your job is to be your son's champion. You needed to get his side prior to crazy lady screaming things at him. He might not wanted to say anything negative about the boy because his mother was acting like she was about to blow. Again, you should have told her to leave or you and your son should have left.
I understand small towns, been there done that. However, again, you are the mom of your son. You decide what should be done not her. At this point in time, I would not be involved with her and her son at all. If she asks I would say that while you understand she was upset, that her reaction was way over the top and that you will not be friends with someone who threatens children.
Remember, your his mom and his champion.
