Candy Grams in School

the sugar bothers me far more than 'omg i didn't get a prize.'
i HATE redefining disappointments as 'bullying.' hate it.
a kid learning to deal with the difficult but unavoidable truth that popularity is fickle and fleeting, and that not everybody gets prizes all the time, is a world away from a kid getting beaten up or tormented, genuine bullying. we are doing nobody any favors by making every little bump in the road a huge mountain and by trying to prophylactically guarantee that no child ever feels a moment of disappointment.
khairete
S. (heading off to reread chaucer's 'house of fame')

When my older kids were in middle school, they had candy grams--though I don't think they called them that. It was sponsored by the students and the students used the money for something for the student body. They were always centered around a holiday, such as a candy heart shaped sucker for Valentines, a candy cane for Christmas, a cookie for Halloween. It was handled so that the items were delivered to the teacher on a specific day, not every day for a week or whatever. And the teacher passed them out just before class ended. Sometimes my kids got one, sometimes not. But they never felt left out.

My thought:
People should donate MONEY to the schools without buying junk and having a portion of the money go to the school.

edit: I do not know what a candy gram is. Is it candy?

Hi M., I've been puttering around the house trying to come up with a diplomatic way to respond to your post.

Okay, so I totally know where you're coming from. It completely sucks for moms when their kids experience disappointment. Just breaks your heart, you know?

But, I don't think taking steps to control their environment to such a degree that they don't HAVE disappointments serves them well.

In fact, I feel this is the current generation of parents' Epic Fail (every generation has one). I love the 1970s movement where it started being popular to raise your kid in a more cerebral way, rather than beating them to a pulp to achieve the same result. But now it seems parenting styles have gone off the other extreme.

I mean, the whole Every Kid Gets A Trophy philosophy does not sit well with me. If we were all the same, society would cease to function. It's also an affront to individuality.

Lookit, I absolutely remember being in school myself while such PTA programs like the one you mentioned were all the rage. I was not a popular kid either. However, I don't remember taking it as an attack on myself when someone else got something I didn't. It actually gave me the opportunity to be big, to be above it, to be comfortable with my own value as a person in spite of this (perceived) suggestion otherwise.

I also remember my own kids' disappointments very well, and yuck, I hate that. Nobody LIKES it. Here's what I think I did:

Instead of trying to end/change the thing they find disappointing, upsetting, unfair, etc., I probably said something like this to them (using the example you gave where they did not get a candy gram when another kid did):

Really? I'm surprised. I would think you'd be happy for them (kid who got candy gram), after all you have (list all the wonderful things they have in their lives, or a specific example of some awesome thing that recently happened to them) and they don't.

Not sure if I'm making any sense here. The quote "prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child" comes to mind.

In fact, I think personal growth stems largely from disappointments, perceived unfairness. I think when we deliberately shield our kids from everyday reaction to the real world around them, we rob them the chance to gain substance. Or something.

I think I have tried to make my message to my kids, on this subject, this: Sure, everyone is special, but none of us is special in exactly the same way.

Good stuff other people get/have, does not take away from the good stuff WE get/have. See?

Anyway. In this EXACT situation, here's what I did with my kids. I sent them in with money to send OTHER kids candy, because it feels REALLY good to make someone else happy, and for that they should feel really good about themselves. And they did. And they do.

So maybe you could view this as a chance for your kids to GIVE, rather than the possibility your kids might be disappointed.

Sorry about the book.

:)

*sigh*

You said: There is nothing worse than a child feeling disliked because he or she was not sent a candy gram by a fellow student.

Well, I am a foster parent.... so I can cite you several examples that I have seen first hand that are absolutely worse than a child feeling disliked because he or she was not sent a candy gram by a fellow student.

I believe that you are angry, but I think you need to stop and take a breath and look at the bigger picture and what lesson YOU (as the parent) can teach YOUR CHILD about this process.

Now, I don't like candygrams either. For much of the reasons as stated below. But I'm a bit busy trying to coach an 11 month old [who wears a helmet due to the flatness in his head from spending 3 months in the NICU and fluid in his brain from being born at 28 weeks] to roll over, which is something that should have been accomplished 6 months ago.... so I have bigger fish to fry, ya know? Like teaching a 3 1/2 year old to eat with silverware and a cup at the table because for the first couple of years of life (and on more than one occasion) she was left ALONE for several days in a row to fend for herself.

These kids not getting a candy gram is ABSOLUTELY not the worst thing that they are going to feel.

So, I would ask that you get some perspective.

I will also reflect on your comment "The reason why this really bothers me is because it always seems like it's the popular kids that get many candy grams and the shy, quiet, kids get nothing or maybe a few if they are lucky."

Yes. that is called life. That is why we overcome things that set us back. that is why we learn to control our temper and not blast organizations without a solution and a plan. That is why we learn to public speak. that is why we learn the art of small talk and take showers every day and don't pick our nose and keep our desks clean. That is why we don't eat fish at our cubicle and don't have private conversations on our phone and don't play music that is too loud where others can hear. Because we experienced what it was like when we didn't receive candy grams because we hadn't learned yet whether or not it was important to us to be **popular** and well-liked.

I am 45. I work for a major corporation that is divided into departments. There are about 30 people (and 2 supervisors) in my area. I see examples of candy grams all the time. Bringing in pot luck for co-workers birthdays. Which Boss of which department will get the biggest holiday gift or birthday gift.

Because people who are well-liked will ALWAYS get more. That's how it works. When people "give" they "give" to what moves them. To what (or who) inspires them.

It's not genetics - to be well-liked- it's a skill. And skills are built by experience, trial & error and hard work. A kid SHOULD experience (a little) bit of how it feels to NOT get something. It is the basis for what teaches them empathy. It lays the foundation for them to decide if *it* (in this case receiving candygrams) is worth working for.

Anti-bullying programs seek to eliminate "the use of superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants".
"Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time".

The Declaration of Independence of the United States of America uses the phrase "unalienable rights". Which are: Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
It does not say you are guaranteed happiness. It says you have the PURSUIT of happiness.
It does not say you are guaranteed a candygram if everyone else gets one.

It implies that if you want a candy gram...... go earn one. If you want a hundred candy grams..... be popular. If being popular is not important to you... then don't fret about not receiving the *spoils of popularity* because, instead, you have something else.... whatever is important to you. You can't have it all. Life doesn't work that way.

Those are my thoughts.

Honestly? You are not invited to everything in life, nor are you included in everything. I mean, Gwyneth Paltrow had a fab bday party over the weekend and I wasn't invited!! This falls into the 'everyone should get a trophy' line of thinking, which just leads our kids to grow up thinking mediocrity is a fantastic goal and everyone should pat them on the back whether they actually did something noteworthy or not.

Instead of focusing on who didn't get one with your kid, focus on who your kid can give one to - turn it around and make it an act of generosity instead of viewing it as a popularity contest. If you put it in a more positive context your kid might as well.

I don't see the correlation you are drawing between a cutesy candy gram and bullying. Please...re think that logic.

I also beg to differ with your comment about "there is nothing worse than a child feeling disliked because he or she was not sent a candy gram". Ummmm, there is a loooong list of worse things that kids are dealing with in this world. Please do not lose perspective here M..

Use this as an opportunity to prepare your child for life. We do not live in an everyone gets a trophy (or candy gram) world. Prepare your child for that world full of disappointments, failures and un fair treatment. Teach your child how to process frustration and disappointment. Teach your child how to cope with failure, feeling insecure and left out.

Turn this around please...and use this candy gram fundraiser as a time to talk about friendship,compassion and reaching out to those that have few friends. Have your child make a list of 5 friends that he/or she would like to brighten their day.

Spin this into a positive instead of turning it into your own childhood disappointments and feelings of feeling left out and unpopular. Talk to your family members about sending in a few bucks to buy your child a few candy grams.

Please do not go and "blast" the PTO or school board about this. You will appear nuts.

Please be more positive with your children instead of focusing on YOUR bad memories from childhood.

The student counsel at my kids' school did valentine hearts last year as a fundraiser. On the last day, any kid that didn't get sent one was given one from the counsel. My older son rolled his eyes and said it was to make people like him feel better, but it didn't work that way. He wasn't hurt in the first place. He also didn't send any valentines because he didn't want to. He knows darn well that in many scenarios you get back socially what you put in. He opted out. He's kind of a pill like that.

Life isn't always fair and people are not always included. At his age level (13 at the time) kids are old enough to not need constant protection from reality. There is no 'bullying' involved in this. I get that you don't want your kid(s) to feel disappointment, but that is also a part of real life.

Learning how to analyze disappointment and handle setbacks are valuable life skills. Handle this in a matter-of-fact and unemotional way with your child(ren). If you don't teach them drama, they won't respond with drama. First though, you need to do what it takes to put your own childhood feelings to rest and let them go.

My thoughts:

Why not teach your child the joy of giving by allowing him to buy 10 candy grams, for all his friends, and maybe a few for some of the shy quiet kids he thinks that won't get any. Make it about the excitement of brightening someone elses day, NOT about the anticipation of keeping score over how many he got compared to others.

I think you are way too pumped about this. Don't write a scathing letter to the PTO. Those are people that give up their time, their energy, to do what they think will benefit the children's school. They don't need a blasting letter from a negative parent when they are trying to do good for the school.

Look at this way- we have a group of people who are trying to bring positivity to the school by encouraging kids to write nice notes to each other (and make a little money while doing it), and then we have a single person who wants to tear down the large group of people by writing a negative letter blasting their efforts... kind of ironic.

I completely agree that this is so far away from bullying that it is ridiculous to mention them in the same breath. And I love Theresa's quote:
"prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child."

So you have bad memories. You're an adult now. And you are hung up on candy grams from elementary or middle school? Maybe your kids will love it! Maybe you could suggest your kids send them to some kid they wouldn't expect to get a candy gram and include a nice note on it for them. Use it for a tool to do something kind, not a weapon to take away everyone else's fun.

Here, they don't distribute until the end of the day, so there is no "loading them up with sugar at school".

---

ETA
The "Candy Gram company"?? A contract ?
wow. Around here, the parent volunteers or a student organization cuts out hearts from red/pink construction paper and tapes a small piece of candy on it, and fills in the names by hand. It's a long process... hours and hours and hours of volunteer time. I know. I've done it. There is no "company". Outside of the cost of the actual candy and construction paper, and copy paper/ink to print the lists of names matched by homeroom... there is ZERO cost. But it does take a week or two to get the work done once the "orders" are made by the students (and or parents/grandparents, etc who want to send one to their kid).

It bothers me but not for the same reasons it bothers you.

I think allowing delivery of heaping amounts of sugar during school hours disrupts the learning environment.
It's not so much the bullying thing that bothers me.
There are plenty of things people are left out of that is not bullying per say - it's exclusion - but that's not something we have a lot of control over.

To me the issues are
1) disruption of the school day and
2) disrupting it with an unhealthy food source.

We've got Halloween coming up around the corner and the kids will be swimming in sugar up to their eye balls.
Is the PTO even remotely aware of the obesity epidemic, diabetes, not to mention any potential behavioral problems with some kids and sugar consumption?
What about kids with food allergies?

School/PTO needs to separate themselves with perceived niceties associated with food.
Food should not be about rewards (or punishments) and it's not up to educational institutions to be playing head games with the kids over food.

I assume the PTO is using this to raise money for something.
The PTO needs to have a way people can write a check to them directly so they get the $ they need, %100 of the money you give to it goes to the PTO's cause de jour instead of %75-85 of it going to some bleeping fundraiser organization.

Our elementary school is also doing candy grams for Christmas and Valentine's day. We are delivering them at the end of the day so we are compliant with the nutrition rules. And I suppose I should preference this with, although we will make a little money, we aren't going to make a ton. This is NOT a main fundraiser for us at all.

We are making sure every teacher has a class set, so every child will get at least one. I know that sometimes we get a little too PC and little too worried about being "fair", but we also know these are just elementary kids. They are still figuring those things out. And there is no sense in intentionally excluding children, when the cost to include everyone is very minimal (and we are a large school of almost 800 students, worst case (no sales) it may be $70). Some will still get more, so there is still room for those life lessons without children being completely excluded. There are still children who will be jealous. There are moms that will go overboard. We can try to soften the blow, but kids are smart and will know they only got one from the teacher.

Rather than going in with guns blazing, I would approach the board with your suggestion. Present them with the numbers, as PTA president, I can tell you that is important. Let them know how much it would cost. Express your thoughts on exclusion and bullying. And even if they decide NOT to accept your proposal, I encourage you to at least head to the school and buy one for your daughter.

Candy Grams are fun. Not everyone gets one, not everyone gets 20.
This is not bullying. So what if Mary gets more Candy Grams than Sally - the end result is that the school benefits from the fundraiser which in turn benefits all the students. That is the lesson to teach your child about the fundraiser.

Life is not fair.

Kids are being handed trophies for breathing - for existing - not for participation, or excellence. A kid can give 120% or 0% and they both receive the same accolades. It teaches the child who works hard that their work is not appreciated and will gain them nothing. It teaches the child who does not work that they don't have to work.

Fast forward to the real world - and both children are wholly unprepared for the realities of college and jobs where their efforts actually do count towards their "rewards". You know, getting a job, getting a raise, getting a good grade...etc. The realities of life.

I am sorry but some children are more popular than others. Some adults are more popular than others. Popularity is fickle and fleeting and should not be the basis of one's self worth. Popularity is not bullying.

My son was not a popular child in Middle School - frankly Middle School was a nightmare. Low and behold he was popular through High School.
Here is the clincher to this story - he went to Middle School and High School WITH THE SAME KIDS.

This is life. Children need to learn life lessons while they are growing up - not be wrapped in swaddling and taught that everyone deserves the same accolades.

I am surprised that PTO/PTA and school groups/teams are even allowed to sell candy grams in school anymore because of all of the controversy about school lunch nutrition and not being able to have vending machines or bake sales etc. I think it (candy gram type fundraisers) depends on the age of the students. An unpopular or extremely shy first grader might not understand if everyone got a candy gram but them in the class. By fifth grade, fewer kids probably participate (in buying candy grams for others) so not too many kids get them and it is not such a big deal. I would hope that the PTO/PTA organization could come up with better ways to raise money for their school. These groups can provide so many extras to the school that can benefit your students.

Interesting debate to follow below. Our elementary school did not do this or anything like it, but our dance school does, in a smaller way. During performances, anyone can send a candygram backstage to the dancers before the show. Because all the candy etc. is donated, it's pure profit and raises a decent amount, plus the kids love sending the candy as much as they love receiving it -- sometimes, more. Never once have I heard my daughter comment on how another dancer got more candygrams than she did. Most kids are busier rushing to the table before going backstage, to send them.

I'd like to add, as a parent of a middle school kid: When your elementary kids hit middle school, you may find that all the fundraising drama (is food appropriate? What if I hate the wrapping paper they offer? Grandma hates to be asked to buy stuff! and so on) is over and done. Our PTA, like many middle school PTAs/PTOs around here, simply asks parents to consider making a donation to the PTA, once, at the start of the year. We have zero fundraisers of any kind -- no magazines, no wrapping paper, no candy, nothing. It's great. The kids can focus on what they're in school to do -- be students, not salespeople. Most parents would rather make a donation than have fundraising sales in which their kids are supposed to participate. And yes, not everyone can afford a donation but that doesn't matter; all kids benefit from whatever the PTA receives.

I would not put the candygrams in the same category as selling junk to neighbors and relatives, as it may provide some fun for the kids, and no, it won't scar them for life not to get any. It seems to have affected you a lot years ago, M., can you see how that is your issue and not your child's?....Unless you make it into your child's issue by "blasting" the idea in front of your child and making it a bigger deal than perhaps your child originally thought it was. Your child may not even remember this whole thing unless you make such a big deal of hating it that you, yourself, make it memorable by overreacting.

And think: If you are this "pumped" with anger about candygrams in elementary school, well, there is nowhere left for your anger to go when your child is in middle school and isn't asked to dance at the MS dance. Or isn't chosen for this or that academic team or sports team. Or doesn't have a date to prom. Those things could happen. How angry do you plan to be then? Or can you show your kids how to let things roll of their backs?

I think you're over-reacting to this. Life is not equal and you can use this as an opportunity to talk to your child. I like Theresa's idea of giving them money to make someone else's day. This young generation expects a prize for everything from picking dandelions when they were supposed to be playing soccer to the fact that they showed up for work. Over-sheltering children leads to unproductive entitled adults. No, you don't get the $500 pair of jeans that your friend got, no you don't get to go to Disney 3 times each year, whatever it is.

I'm opposed to them using candy as a reward for anything, let alone a symbol of caring. I think it's a complete waste of the parents' money, and I think it puts pressure on families of lower income (or with many children) to spend more than they can or than other families do. If there is delivery during school hours, it singles out the "popular" kids and highlights the affluent families. Surely there are other ways to let people contribute to fundraisers in a more egalitarian way.

I don't think it's the same as "every kid gets a trophy" - I agree it's not a good philosophy, but trophies are more about achievement. Candy grams are more about spending money and pushing sugar and many other things that so many kids cannot or should not eat. A friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher with 6 kids in her class with life-threatening conditions including a brittle diabetic. Then there are about 8 others with less life-threatening issues but who absolutely could not eat the candy products. So any receipt of a candy gram is going to be completely pointless.

I think it stops short of bullying but I think it's unfair.

I'm also not thrilled with what others have said about Valentine's Day and certainly about Christmas. Really? Public schools are allowing and promoting the sales of Christmas items? That's not allowed here, and I'm happy about that because of our very diverse population.

I'd much rather see the PTO sponsor sales of something that everyone can use, and that has nothing to do with delivery in the classrooms. Many schools sell fruit or wrapping paper or books, they have silent auctions and shoebox auctions, and there is plenty of opportunity for everyone to participate by working the events or selling to others. That said, I think it may have been chosen specifically so that more people participate specifically because they don't want kids to be left out. "Okay, even though I can't afford it and I don't believe in it, I'm going to scrape together enough to purchase it so my kid isn't left out."

I think this program may be a done deal at your school for this year - the PTO has probably already signed a contract with the candy gram company. But I do think there's value in meeting with the school administration about finding a better fundraiser that in fact would encourage more families to participate willingly.

You must also believe that every kid deserves a trophy whether they won or not. I do not subscribe to that philosophy. I believe that children need to learn how to lose graciously. Disappointment is a part of life; we do our children a disservice when we don't teach them how to handle it.

I also agree with Shannon R - this is an opportunity to teach your child the joy of giving and no focus on the receiving part.

this is not bullying. I nanny for a family who's school does this. They send home the note about it. and tada parents are also encouraged to send one to their own child. they are handed out at the end of the day. no disruption of the school day and no sugar rush. they did candycanes at christmas and hearts on valentines day. and like the other poster mentioned any child who was not sent one received one with a note saying "from your secret admirer" didn't say from the student council, pto etc. its a fund raiser. not a program to make kids feel left out.

wanted to add in. by candy gram we are talking 25cents for a pc of candy people not $5 for fanny may. its a pc of candy maybe butterscotch or peppermint. not a bag full, not a pound. its a pc of candy. and its not being sold in the cafeterias. its being sent home at the end of the day.

I think it is a ridiculous idea because it will continually interrupt the teacher who should be um, teaching. A PTO should NOT be sponsoring class disruption. Nor should the PTO be sponsoring patently unhealthy eating.

Candy has practically been banned at our elementary/middle school. There must be a more healthy way to raise money. Talk about mixed messages- "sugar is bad for you, don't eat too much of it unless eating tons of it earns the school a little money".

As to your son feeling left out, why not let him decide that? Say nothing about your own feelings unless he comes home truly sad about being left out. Then you have a talk with him about life, little disappointments and how things aren't always equal and fair. He then grows up just a tiny bit in that way we all must grow up in order to become healthy adults. It's hard to see them struggle but without a little sad he'll never know happy.

I wonder how many kids who don't get at least one. I mean, I guess there's a chance of that. If so, maybe stop by the front desk with a $20 and say you want to buy a candy gram for every kid that hasn't gotten one yet. Sign it "your secret friend".

I have stopped at the office when my kids had them and sent each of them 4, one from my hubs and me and the other 2 kids. So at least I knew *my* kids would get one.

I totally get it and I don't really like the concept either. But really the excitement should be GIVING them and not how many you get. If parents reminded their kids of that beforehand maybe it wouldn't be such and issue of hurt feelings. JMO.

M.,

Are you projecting your feelings about your school experience to your child or are you trying to protect your child??

I'm sorry. I don't see this as archaic. It's a way for the school to raise money for things that either they need or want to do.

I received candy-grams. I didn't get a bagful, but I got several. My parents didn't protect me and rage against the machine to make sure I got as many as others. That's life. You cannot protect your child from each and every disappointment in life.

To be honest - your child will NOT be liked by everyone. And you have to be hones with yourself, she won't like everyone either.

This is not a form of bullying. This is not a popularity contest either. I know it's hard for some to believe, but really, there are kids that stand out and those other kids want to let them know.

You win and you lose. Do you REALLY want EVERY child to get trophy for playing and participating? I don't think so.

Breathe. Deeply. Let it out slowly. You can voice your concerns. But really, this is NOT a form of bullying.

Good luck!

Candy? Seriously?
What elementary school would still allow that?
This is the era of brining pencils or fresh fruit as your birthday treat!
And the PTO at out school was behind ALL of that.
Even snacks for class parties had to be "PTO approved and provided"!
"Happy Halloween! Here's your applesauce!"
SMH

I never got a mum or Valentine either. It's a big deal in school. It's archaic.

It's more of a popularity contest, not bullying. We used to have this kind of thing in high school with flower sales, etc. I hated it, except, of course, when I got some! I do think there are better ways to make money. How about just a plain old candy sale at the end of the day?