My daughter is out of control! In the 7 years of her life I have tried nearly every sort of discipline tactic and nothing works. I have noticed an overall trend where her daily behavior seems more agreeable but it turns out that she's just become more devious and deceptive in her plotting.
And then on occasions (like today) she has total outbursts of defiant behavior and she either becomes destructive towards property or violent to her sister and other peers.
What I'm worried about is
- School begins in less than two weeks and although her teachers are aware of her extreme outbursts and she is participating in specialized education, I really worry about sending her there while she's acting like this.
- She ripped a hole in her bedroom window screen and was throwing various toys and trinkets out the window just to see them drop onto our downstairs neighbor's car. Then she encouraged her younger sister, Teya (3), to climb up onto the windowsill!
- I very nearly became abusive with her today. If my fiance hadn't been here to help, I probably would have beaten her.
I'm scared for our apartment and our goodstanding with our landlord because of all the damage she's caused to our home. Even more important I'm worried about the safety of her sisters and my ability to continue to keep my temper and take good care of her.
I realize that this has got to be somehow my fault! We saw a councelor in the past who told me that I basically had spoiled her as a young child and now that she's realizing she can't get everything she wants, she struggles for control in everything she does. I took that councelor's advice to heart and I really became consistant in our disciplinary actions but that only gave us minimal results!
Every day is just a battle with her and I want to figure out how to fix things before it's too late.
Help!
Did anyone ever suggest allergies? I hadnt thought of it myself, till a friend went through it all. They adjusted her childs diet, and volia! A new child!
just a thought! S.
First and foremost, this has nothing to do with you spoiling her when she was younger! If it was due to that she would have out grown the behavior by now! My oldest child of 3, he is 10 now when through the same things at about the same age. Still, have some out burst, but not as often! He was diagnosed at 6 with ADHD, and by 8 they discovered he also had ODD (obsessive defiance disorder)! It is very common for the two to go together! It sounds to me like your daughter may have some signs of ODD! I decided to use medication to help my son, but that is not the only help there is! I have seen a huge difference in my son's behavior, he also talks to a councilor weekly at school, and has an occupational therapist that helps him learn to "regulate his motor". A lot of people claim that ADHD, and ODD are over diagnosed and a cop out for poor discipline, but I can see a dramatic difference when he forgets to take his meds. I also hear a lot of objection from my family. But when it comes down to it, I have to live with him, and I want him to get the best education possible! So, I chose what worked best for us! Contact me any time if you need more advice, or help! I hope I helped some! Just remember this IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
I'm so sorry for your tough time. I don't have any good advice on a counselor in your area, but still wanted to offer words of encouragement. I have a cousin (who is only 13) and she has had uncontrollable behavior since she was little. My Aunt (her mother) and I are close and she has continued to pursue what could be causing this and it turns out that my cousin is bi-polar. Knowing the problem is half the battle...sounds like your counselor was too quick to try and lay blame with you. The behavior you described sounds more like a true medical/mental health issue then just a case of a spoiled child. I hope you are able to find a qualified therapist...HANG IN THERE!!! It isn't your fault!!!
I don't know of any counselors, and I'm not sure if what your daughter has is clinical or just "spoiled" - as the counselor you saw told you, but I can recommend a couple of things to try:
- have you heard of Love & Logic? It's a discipline system that you might want to check out.
- also, we have a book called "Let's Behave" which can coincide with the Love & Logic system, www.TheSmartSeedsCompany.com - - it's a story book about behaving good and a CD with printables for your daughter
- spending lots of quality time with your daughter can't ever hurt
Feel free to write me off-line if you want to find out more about the suggestions I listed above.
I feel for you and your situation and I really care that you are able to see some positive things soon with your daughter. You know, another thought - - my kids have been kind of loopy lately, too. I wonder if kids get kind of jittery around this time of year - - the end of a long summer, back to school fears, etc.
Take care,
M.
Hi A.,
While things with your daughter could be your fault, it really doesn't help to blame yourself. Then and now you were probably doing what you thought was best. I was reading some of the other responses and she could possibly have add or adhd or a different disorder, but please don't assume she has one. I think many parents rush to find something medically wrong and then ther kids end up on some type of prescription and many studies are showing they are not good for kids. I would take your daughter to her regular doctor and he can refer you to someone if he or she thinks it is neccessary. And at times I am sure it is hard, but maybe try to make sure she knows that you love her and spend good quality time with her. You could even calmly try talking to her about it, ask her why she she gets so angry (but probably talk to her when she isn't angry). I hope things get better for you and your family.
I don't know of any doctors but I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you are going through. Please don't blame yourself...even though it is hard not too. I went through hell with my daughter when she was younger and yes, I came close to losing it with her too. I am glad to say that she is grown now with a baby of her own and we have a wonderful relationship. She was not diagnosed with anything...and she did grow out of it. Let me let you it was rough. I read the other responses and Mary mentions "Love and Logic". I learned about it recently and while it is a bit simplistic...it really works. I saw many moms using with their kids and was so impressed. I wish I had known about it when my kids were younger. Good luck to you and if you just need to talk...feel free to let me know. God bless...L.
Hi A......I too had this problem with my son only his didn't really efect me until he was about 10 or 11. He was totally out of control he would stick his foot or arm out when one of his brothers would walk by and deny that he punched or kicked them even though I watched him do it. He was very verbal and angry throwing extreme tantrums no matter where we were. Looking back there were signs earlier but because he was my first child that I spoiled very much I thought it was more of a discipline problem and tried to deal with it my self. Then it began to show at school, he became very defiant and refused to do his work. I was pretty muched slapped in the face with it. I was so stressed out I was in tears all the time. I was one of those people that was raised to think that ADHD was just an over diagnosed thing just to medicate kids to make them compliant. But let me tell you it was the best thing that ever happened. He was diagnosed with inatentive ADHD although he wasn't hyper but his anger was out of control. He was put on concerta and prozac ( for anxiety) and it has helped so much!! Although if he misses a does I can really tell the difference. He still has a few issues with his brothers but that I think is normal. I have really changed my opinion on the help. I would recommened that you have her tested. There are many things that could help you!!
I also have a nephew that is worse....He would get so angry he would take off. Throw things, hit is siblings, Hit himself, strangle himself with his own hands. He was so very angry. He was put on something called Adderal. Boy what a difference. There is so much help out there!!! Good Luck.
Everyone has given some great advice. I too was going through some issues with one of my children last year. I would recommend talking to the school social worker, if there is one at the school your daughter attends. They are usually able to work with your child or give you referrals as to where you can turn. This helped me immensely. Good luck and hang in there!!
A.,
I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing this!!! I know how hard it is to go through. My best friends daughter was the same way and I encouraged her to get her into counceling. I think that the counselor that you saw was not very good. Any counselor that tells you that you caused her to act this was is one that should not be practicing. I would strongly encourage you to seek the advice of another one!!! What they have found with my friends daughter is that she has a very mild for of autism and with some low level medication, the outburst have lessened greatly, and both of them have been able to get help in understanding the way she acts and why. Really all it was was that her daughters mind does not prossess information and emotions in a way in which she can understand, or put into words, so she acted out. I really hope that you are able to find someone that is able to help you with her, and always remember (as hard as it is sometimes, I know, trust me) if you are too upset, leave her be as long as she and your younger daughter are safe and take a few to calm down, and deal with her later.
Good luck...I really hope that all works put very soon!!!
P.
A. -
I used to work for Children's Service Society of Wisconsin (here in the Milwaukee area). They have a large office in the Wausau area that offers counseling, parenting groups, the works. The primary focus of the agency is children. While I cannot speak for an individual counselor within that office (I worked in the finance department) I would go online www.cssw.org and look them up or give them a call to see if they may be able to help. The bonus is that while they have counseling for your daughter, they also have counseling and parenting classes to teach you how to deal with these situations in lieu of becoming abusive as is your concern. CSSW has done many good things for many children of all ages and backgrounds. It can't hurt to just make that call. Whether you choose to use the agency or not...I wish you and your family a happy healthy future! - S.
Hi my name is B. I am currently a sahm of two boys and although my children are much younger I know what you are going through,about 5 months ago my oldest son who is three became very aggressive toward his brother and has put numerous hole in my walls and broken things but I have yet to get him in to see anyone because the facility that I was referred to never answers and doesn't call back but it almost sounds like your daughter has add or adhd so I would maybe try to check into that and the only reason I say that is because I have a good friend who's child is adhd and she had these sorts of problems with him before they got him daignosed and put on medication.I wish I could give you the name of a good professional but unfortunately I have not found one myself.i hope this advice works,sincerely B.
Contact Children's Service Society. I'm formally from Wausau. It's over by Applebee's. I've personally been counseled there as an adult with depression and anger issues that stem from an abusive childhood. I also had family counseling there when I was a kid. They are great and can base fees off income. Good luck!
