Can You Love Your Child Too Much??

That's a great question. . . ..my 7 (almost 8) son is similar, he's pretty clingy to his mom for someone his age. HOwever, he's very well adjusted, does great in school and has tons of friends. Everytime he snuggles me on the couch or gives me a hug I just think soon he'll be big and he won't want to do that stuff. I guess my point is, he won't be like that forever, so enjoy it while you can. Just my two cents. Good luck!

This is very normal for boys. I had 3 boys and they were all like this. Girls are to some extent, but much more for boys. C.

My son is absolutely the same way, he always clinging to me or he tries to get negative attention while im home. If I leave him with his dad to go do some errands he behaves for his daddy most of the time, but when I get back in the door, he starts his bad behavior.

It's too soon to worry about being "too close" to a 3 yr old. As he grows and starts school, his interests will lead him to friends of his own age, and "boys will be boys". Sitting together and watching TV with a toddler is a way to strengthen a bond. Dad should do this too, even if it means putting your son between you on the couch. There is no such thing as too much love.

I think Lori's comments are right on. I had 5 boys and 2 girls and have 9 grandkids (3 boys but my daughter's expecting twin boys in May). I have a soon to be 11 year old grandson that is STILL whiney, clingy, talks baby talk, carries around stuffed animals etc. We have been worried about the way his mom "babies" him since he was little. He STILL sits on his mom's lap sometimes, insists on being with "mommy" as much as possible. My son is very concerned and has spent a LOT of time trying to teach his son "guy" things. Our other grandsons prefer to be with their Dads but this boy ALWAYS wants to be with Mom. He was her first child and she has always babied him too much. You would think with all this nurturing he would be very loving and nurturing himself, but he shows little emotion to his two sisters, grandparents, cousins etc. and only has a few friends. He is very intelligent and does well in school but is shunned a lot because of his immaturity. I will watch how his mom interacts wth her girls and with him and she definitely "babies" the girls too much also. We have a huge expended family and virtually everyone is concerned about how much this boy's mom smothers him. It's considered nurturing when they are little, but becomes crippling when they get older. My boys all loved to cuddle, all loved to climb into bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings with Mom and Dad. I have a great relationship with all my sons and they still hug me when they come over to visit. They are all VERY nurturing, loving fathers and their boys are all well adjusted. I definitely think that Moms can over-do things with their sons sometimes. We need to teach our sons how to be loving and nurturing, but we also need to teach them how to survive out in the "real world".
J. F

After having raised 3 of my own boys, I can admit I see your husband's point, a bit. My first question is, do you intend to have more children? If so, allowing your son to rely so heavily on you could backfire and make your adjustment to a new baby a REALLY difficult time. If he will be an only child and will always have your undivided attention, its not as big of a deal.

My husband and I have found we each have very specific "roles" in raising our boys. Mine is definitely to nuture and teach them how to do the same, and one of his roles is to make them "tough." Now, I cannot negate his role by babying or un-doing what he does to help them learn to be men.

We believe our society is truly "raising a bunch of women" now-adays. Boys are rarely allowed to exhibit traditional boy behaviors. They can't wrestle, fight, or run and be obnoxious, as is their nature. We expect boys to act like girls and sit in a circle in school (even pre-school), use their words, and squelch all aggressive behaviors. So, how do we raise strong leaders who know how to deal with conflict and resolution (in time, the physical behaviors are replaced with strong discussions with a true winner)?

My point being, let your husband take his role, but keep up your role of the nurturer. That is a trait many of our fathers weren't shown by example, and is lacking in that generation. Some of our husbands were shown it is OK to love and be tender, and they tend to stay married over their counterparts who weren't. Help your husband know just because you have a "role" doesn't mean he can't develop his own role.

And, this clingy behavior of your son may truly be a phase he will pass through, and before you know it, he'll be "daddy's boy" and you'll feel a bit left out. Phases come and go, but how we deal with them will truly shape the development of our little men!

There was a recent Parent magazine article that talked about this to some degree. What they said was that boys often do not get all the attachment and loving they need just a much as little girls do for that very argument that they should be strong etc.... Your son is just barely outgrowing being a baby and will want to and should get his cuddles where he can!
I'd say enjoy it while it lasts. In a few short years he will on his own not want to be kissed anymore (at least in public : )

D.

I'm literally rolling my eyes. How ignorant. What you are doing is raising a son who is secure in your love, is comfortable with you, and will be independent. He will trust you, rather than be anxious, knowing daddy will be on him for little things. It is NOT unhealthy at all. It's too bad, because your husband is really missing out on some valuable years and the bonding that boys need w/their dads. The trust you build now is what will really help out during those school and, especially, teen years. He won't talk to someone he feels distant with.

It is interesting that your husband liked the "family bed" idea for a while, but has now become concerned about attachment. Maybe the strong bond created was more than he expected, and has elicited jealousy (time you give to your son instead of him right now...or possibly, time not given to him when he was this age...from similar "toughening" separation?) I intend to read a book called "Ghosts in the Nursery" and wonder if it will talk about such baggage.
But I have to say we have a cultural obsession with independence, partly fueled by history, but also by the economic structure which has most parents working and not being available for most of the day. Kids independence is idolized and dependence nearly demonized. If you think about it, it is rather twisted to push kids away so fast. Your husband may be a victim of this cultural mentality...as it is the concept environment we swim in.
As you note, his logic is faulty. He says you have to provide the same family role he does. Wait a minute.
Your husband provides the masculine role model by being there...you do not have to fill that role.
yes, you may spend more time with your son, but moms have spend the majority of time with toddlers much throughout history and men still became men. You might ask your husband if he has any concrete examples or research that shows these "girly men" are created this way.
If I were him I'd be more worried about chemicals in our environment that mimic hormones or are hormones (including those in organic milk and soy). Those have some research for negative effect behind them.

Ofcoarse you can't love your child too much and giving them every thing they want and need is not appropriate for their well being.
It sounds like you need to get a babysitter if not every week then every other week to spend some quality time with your husband. Is it possible that your husband is jealous of the time you're giving to your son?
If you are noticing that your son is not behaving well around you, then yes, something needs to change and maybe you should be open to what your husband is saying about discipline. Love and Logic is very useful, they have a website, books and my husband and I enjoy listening to the cds available.
If things don't start to change in your relationship soon, you may say your marriage start to loose it's romance therefore, counseling can be helpful. Having a mediator to help resolve parenting issues and come to some common ground.
Have fun with your son yet have a lot of fun with your husband, he's the one you'll need support from when as your son grows older.

Hi there! My husband has accused me of being overly loving before too--mine is a girl, so a little different scenario, but he has always accused me of encouraging unhealthy, overly attached bonds to my daughter, and even to our dogs, because they prefer me! I think a couple things are going on here--of course your son is going to prefer you most of the time, because you are together more during the day, and you are the primary caregiver. It is not only habit, but the bond is stronger, because you spend day in/day out together. There may be some hurt feelings on your husband's part, because your son does not want to do things with him. but that will ebb and flow. Sometimes your son will all of a sudden prefer your husband, and sometimes he won't, but if your husband is reacting to him in any negative way, it will only push him in your direction further. What I do is encourage alone time with my daughter and husband when we can. We started Daddy/daughter date nights, so they can get out and have fun together, and I try to leave the room and allow them play time together, or encourage them outside alone. If my husband is "not in the mood" for something like this, then it is his own fault for not spending bonding time with her. It has worked well on our side--I wouldn't say it is 50/50 or anything like that, but she is definitely asking for him more. Good luck, and I say let your little guy become a sensitive man--he'll end up in a much more successful relationship that way than being a "manly man" whatever that means!

T.,

Moms and Dads are different in how they relate to their children and the world. It seems that your husband is noticing this without realizing what it is. My husband was not raised by a doting mom (and has a terrible relationship with her even now) and didn't seem to understand how I related to my son from a previous marriage until he spent some time seeing how we work and realizing that I don't expect or desire him to parent like I do. You can smother your children, of course, but we're talking about a three year old here, not a thirteen year old. Sounds like you are just doing the mommy thing to me! When your son gets a little older he will become more interested in his dad and then he will get a turn to have a buddy, but your relationship will always be unique with your son.

-Jen

Lori's answer did make the most sense and works well with alot of the others. You and your husband have different roles in child rearing and the child is going to respond to each parent differently. Your son's behavior is normal. He's still mostly in a baby phase. Just because he wants affection and attention from his mom doesn't mean he's going to turn into some effeminate girly-boy. As long as the husband is doing what he can to balance things out, realize that this is a phase, and step up and not act like a immature brat, then things should be fine. I think he's a little jealous more than anything. It was his idea to foster the attachment parenting philosophy by allowing a family bed. That he would suddenly change that because he thinks there's too much attachment is a demonstration of jealousy. He also may want some more of your time. He might be feeling a little put off because your son commands so much attention and "peed on your leg" to mark his territory so to speak. The kid is encroaching on husband's territory. Just a thought. Men are very territorial creature when acting normally.

No, is the short answer to your question. 3 years old is much to early for your husband to be concerned about your son separating from you so he won't become a girly man. I'd say your husband is feeling a little left out, but the relationship between a mother and her child is going to be different from that between a father and his child. Also, your son sounds like he is a typical child in that he tries (and probably often succeeds) in getting what he wants from you more than from other people in his life. He probably "gets away" with more, too. All totally normal, in my opinion, and not such a bad thing, as long as you aren't a doormat. Different boundaries define different relationships. I'd try to give your husband a little more attention, because, honestly, it sounds like he's a bit jealous. Good luck, and take care.

Al

Nothing more to add after 20 posts..All I have to say is, please share these responses with your husband =)

I read throuh responses you have already received, and I have to say Lori S. is the voice of reason. You and your husband need to be a team raising your son and team members always have different roles but work from the same game plan. Mom and Dad are both so important in a child's life. You can't love a child too much, but it is possible to be too permissive.

No, you can't love your child too much, as long as it's the right kind of love. You sound like me with our son not long ago. Now my son is 3 and is mostly a daddy's boy (big turnaround!). Love it and enjoy it for now, without society's (and your husband's) mental restrictions on what a boy "should be." I see no way that at 17 your son will be the same way as he is now....doing this will not make him a whiney, clingy, adult...dunno where that thinking comes from.

Believe me I got the "if you don't discipline him like this he won't be a man" argument too. Hooh hah. My son is loving, sensitive, and mostly very sweet, and I think that comes from us doing the same things that you did (are doing) at an early age.

It sounds like the dynamics going on here are NORMAL. Children usually go through stages where they prefer one parent over the other and because moms are more nurturing they usually run to them for reassurance and love when needed. Your husband may feel bad that your son prefers you and think that somehow it is your fault.

Men and women, generally speaking, parent differently and one style isn't necessarily better than another. They are both beneficial and balance each other out. Love, nurture, and compassion from Mama, and preparation for the world and learning how to cope from Dad. It sounds like your husband thinks his approach is superior. I used to feel like my more tender approach was superior to my husband's and then I realized how important both of us are to the development of our children. We are different and it works out very well that way. So instead of thinking my husband should change to be more like me, I've stepped back and allowed him to give the kids what they need from him. Your husband can toughen your kids up all he wants and let you nurture them up all you want and the combined end result will probably be something wonderful.

T.,
This has nothing at all to so with how much you love your child.
You need to be sure that you are not co-dependent though. I have experience in my own family with this. Your entire world centers around the every need of your child. If you are truly co-dependent and do not address the behavior you will eventually disappear. There will no longer be a T., only "Timmy's Mommy".
It will affect not only you, but your son's emotional development as well.

http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php

You can't love too much! It sounds like your husband sees his son become a "baby" with you. Clingy, whiny and disobedient aren't really fun qualities. A child does this because it works... your son knows being clingy and whiny works with you and he knows that dad doesn't fall for it.

It's not a "tolerance level" so much as an "expectation level." Your husband expects more of him, and he meets those expectations with him. You expect less - less independence, less maturity, less obedience, so your son acts differently with you. Honestly, I think moms expect less from sons in general, me included. We want our girls to be strong and confident, but allow our boys to be babies a lot more. I think that's why so many moms allow boys to potty train WAY later than girls.

You can't love too much, and too much love doesn't make a "sissy." If your son "wants his mama" I agree that you should be there for him and meet his needs as much as possible, but in a positive way. Allowing him to be whiny and not listen to you, but still get what he wants from you doesn't teach him good behavior.

Give him all the love and attention you can, but don't reward bad behavior and don't set up a situation where you and your husband are on 2 different sides. You two need to agree on expectations, discipline, etc. Otherwise you may end up with a child that plays you off each other, knowing that mom will say yes when dad says no. And you don't want your son's preference for you (which is normal) to become a rejection of dad; that hurts him. He may already feel a bit left out of the bond you and your son have.

Nothing wrong or unhealthy about lots of LOVE! It's your job to love him, but also to be his mom and not his best friend. Get on the same page with your husband... let your little boy be a child, but teach him how to become independent and confident as he grows and learns. :)

It is normal behavior and he will likely outgrow it. My daughter did this and my son is currently doing this. I don't think you have anything to worry about and maybe your husband is worried he likes you better. In reality that probably isn't true but it can seem like that and it may be frustrating your husband. It is a normal phase. You can do things to encourage more bonding between your husband and your son.

Sounds like he might be jealous of the time/attention you are giving your son. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!! Your husband sounds like he is acting childish, petty, and insecure.

Only thing I saw in your comment was: your husband is just jealous and he is not going about it the correct way! Tell him if he is worried about a "3 year old NOT becoming a MAN" then, he has more problems than you, alone, can deal with! LORDY! Get help! Seriously... he is jealous and that is the real issue. Tell HIM (the husband) to grow up and become that "man" he is wanting that 3 year old baby to be!

I don't think you can love your child too much....however. It is important for parents to be on the same page as far as discipline. In order for them to follow the rules, those rules need to be consistent.

You also want to make sure that your son is not sooo attached that when he needs to go to preschool or kindergarten he melts down because you're not with him.

Hi there,

It sounds to me like just a normal stage of development for both. Kids at that age almost always go through a clingy stage with Mom. And husbands almost always feel left out during this time. If your husband is the one that wanted the family bed he probably very much agrees that there should be a strong bond between you and your children but since its not with him right now he's probably just feeling a little left out. I agree with him though that when your son is whiny and disobedient he shouldn't get rewarded. It also sounds like a time to get a baby sitter and give your husband some extra attention and bond building time between the two of you. Hope this helps.

I never respond because there are so many responses out there but this I have great passion for.....the way you are interacting with your son will only result in him being a stronger, more independent, secure, trusting person who is able to have healthy relationships. Do not worry and find some research or a book that confirms this to be true and show it to your Husband. It's just a man thing. They are always scared about their own masculinity (which I don't even know how to spell because it's not important ha ha!)that they are looking at their son to build it up. Screw that. Oh, don't show him this part of my answer, please. You are doing everything right! Keep it up!!! I have one son as well - one year old.I do the same thing.

You can't love your son too much, but you can smother him to death with it. :-) You just need to balance it out a little. I'm the same way and I totally understand. Smothering stifles his creativity, desire to explore, and prevents him from learning things on his own. It also prevents him from learning to deal with life on his own and maturing. On the bright side, you can learn how to balance it out so that he knows how much he is loved and supported and can always count on you to be there.

My husband and I are the same way with our son. We've learned that the best thing for our son to have is a balance of our two parenting styles. He needs your feminine nurturing and your husband's masculine parenting style. However, the rules in the house do need to be consistent and enforced consistently by both of you. Maybe sit down with your husband and make an agreement about the rules and that you will stick to them. Your son does very much need his father to learn how to become a man. A lot of men have lost what it means to be a man and respect women. He needs to see your husband's strength as a man because his example is what is going to make him a mature, responsible man. You will be there to nurture him and give him all the love that he needs.

You do need to balance out some of your nurturing so that you make space for your son and husband to bond. You will also have to let him learn from his mistakes and "fall" every once in a while. There's a wonderful book that we've been reading called Parenting with Love and Logic that will help you both balance out your styles. There is also one in the series especially for Early Childhood. There is a certain point (definitely by puberty) that your son needs to spend a lot more time with your husband as he grows into a young man and learn how to do the man stuff.

The 1st paragraph of Lori's response is so true.

I did the same thing you are doing with your son; and then, we had a second child, my youngest is coming up on his first birthday (so it has been a year) and my oldest that I totally smothered just turned three. Yikes! My oldest still has not adjusted to sharing me. He is so resentful of me for having my youngest. If only I had realized what I was doing. It is not bad - just not fair to my oldest now whom thought I was to give him 100% attention ALL the time like I used to.
Just a thought if you are going to have more children; otherwise enjoy....

Take care.

Good Morning T.. How old is your son? Mine is 4 and him and I are the same way. Maybe it's different for us because Hunter's "dad" isn't around but too this day he has certain things and moments where he'll only want me to do stuff for him or he'll only want to sit with me. We have the same issue as far as obedience(he's far more obedient with others then me) but I think that's most children. I don't think your doing anything wrong like you said you are still disciplining him. I don't know what your husbands definition of a "Man" is but as far as I see as long as your son grows up knowing how to treat people kindly and to take care of his family then I think he'll be just fine.

Boy, do I remember this phase and I must add, just loved having my little guy, 3 year old, pal around with me. We did everything together, until little sister was born. Dad was pretty jealous and hurt at times when my son always and only wanted me for everything. It's so normal. He's supposed to be bonded to you. If anything, be proud of how you have nurtured him and bonded with him. You have taught him mutual trust and love and respect. This will enable him to have healthy, happy relationships in the future. My son is now 10 and I must admit, really miss those days when it was just the two of us. He is so so busy with school, sports, friends, homework, birthday parties, church activities, etc. I relish those days and look at it as one of life's greatest blessings that I could stay home and raise such a wonderful son. One word of caution: just make sure you're loving on your husband in front of your son. Important to meet his needs for affection because I imagine there's lots of affection shared with your son. And parents DO discipline differently, since the beginning of time. One parent is usually more strict than the other. Sounds all normal and healthy so far. So I hope you stop second guessing and criticizing every parenting move you make.

Do you plan on having more children? If not, be prepared to let his wings spread when he's ready. Don't hold him back for your sake.

Happy parenting!

It is very apparent that you love your son a lot. The question should be do you love your child enough to teach him to be a good person? When you love your child so much, it is very hard to do, but is best for the child. Haven't you ever met an adult who is whiney, clingy, breaks all the rules, and tries to live off other people? Do you want your son to be like that? He would never have a healthy relationship as an adult if he continued. I don't know about the girly man, but the whiney man has got to go. And, if you teach a child to be obedient and responsible, he is actually happier with himself. He may still prefer your company. But you also need to teach him that Mommy and Daddy love each other and that Daddy comes first sometimes. He needs to know that parents love each other, too, so that he can have a good relationship when he grows up. You do want him to be happy, right? Teach him to stand up and be his own person, but never to stop loving you or his Dad.