Can You Be 'Real' with Your Mom?

Well, while I do feel like I could go to my mom with anything, she's not my best friend. Never was, never will be. I love her. I think she gives great advice, is always there for me and is an all around lovely human being. But she's my mom, not my friend. Actually, my husband is my best friend.

We evidently have a different set of friends! I know only a few grown daughters who are on excellent terms with their mothers. "Pleasant acquaintance" is about the best many of us can hope for....and even that is only achieved after years of work.

Sounds like you're doing better than I am!

I have found that it's best not to complain to mom because she feels like she needs to fix it. Girlfriends are the ones that really understand. Mom needs to hear all the good stuff, not the bad stuff.

Absolutely I can be completely real with her... but I can't make her respond to me the way I want her to!

She's going to respond from her own perspective. Which is sometimes vastly different from my own. So I don't tell her everything, because I do know that there are areas that I'm not going to like what I hear. There are also things I don't tell her because it would do nothing but cause her pain/fear/worry. Just to be totally honest, I DO censor myself.

We talk all the time. Often every day, sometimes just a few times a week.

My mum has become one of my best friends over the years... but she's also "just" a person in addition to being my mum. I don't tell any of my friends "everything", although I'm a very honest person.

Old family saying: You don't have to lie, but you don't have to run around shouting the truth, either.

NOT saying anything about your situation, much less an opinion about what you "should" do or adopt. MERELY what I do/have.

Yes, I think that, ideally, the one person on this earth - with whom you should be able to lay the burdens on your heart - is your mom. And I don't think you were whining.

I'm so sorry you don't quite have that level of support. But I would celebrate what I do have, and accept the things I don't.

<<hugs>>

ETA: The one thing I don't think people should lay on their moms are petty complaints about a spouse. Those things are best left unsaid.

My mom was born in 1917, so she is currently 94. She is one of those women who never progressed past the ideas of the 1930's and '40's. Decent women don't do this and do that ect. She was always embarressed about feminine hygiene products on TV. So no I have always had to censor myself with her.
She is also one of those people who if it was of no interest to her why would anyone else want to do it. So telling her of my plans and dreams was simply a waste of time.

My mom died 06/02/2011 and I would love to be able to have any kind of anything with her.

You need to accept your mom for who she is and your relationship for what it is. Not all mother/daughter relationships are open and fee like you have portrayed. While my mom was one of my closest confidants she was also my mother so there were things I couldn't really share with her like she was one of my best buds because the fact of it she was a great mom at times and at other times she was the worst mom ever. Ultimately she was human, we loved each other and now I have to try to go on with my life without my strongest ally and cheerleader.

Enjoy what you have with your mother for what it is worth. If you think talking to her will help then talk with her. If she can't receive what you have to say, be understanding and find someone else to fill that dream mom role in your life. I hope this helps.

My mother and I were close but we were of two different generations. I knew that some of my way of living would cause her worry and so I didn't talk about those things. We were close but we weren't best friends.

Best friends may share nearly everything with each other but to be best friends you have to have similar expectations from life. You're equal in levels of responsibility. Each is responsible for themselves and not the other. A mom who is still acting as a mom cannot be your best friend. She still sees herself as responsible for helping you learn how to live your life.

I also found that certain parts of being a mother, now that I'm a grandmother, don't go away when your child is an adult. Sounds like your mother is concerned for you and wants to help you. Try looking at her negative comments as her way of showing you love. She is still being your mom and not your best friend.

That is OK. We need different kinds of relationships. I suggest that if you see your relationship with you mom in a different way that her comments won't affect you so much.

And....you certainly should not be all bubbly with her. I suggest that you can be real in a way that is beneficial for your relationship. Your relationship with your mother changes as each of you age. It's a matter of finding a comfortable place in which to be at this time.

I agree with Peg M. Talking with your mother about how you feel and what you want from your relationship might help you both feel more comfortable. My daughter and I used to disagree often because I wanted to help her figure something out. Finally we discovered that we were at odds because she wanted to just vent and I wanted to problem solve. Now she frequently starts her conversations be saying, "I just want to vent, Mom" and that is my cue to just listen.

You should be able to talk to your mom about anything. I talk to my mom about being exhausted all the time and she feels for me because she also raised 3 kids. Im not sure of your moms situation, but it doesnt sound like she was a fulltime mom so its probably hard for her to relate to your situation. Honestly, part time parents have no clue how hard it is.
I just dont think she understands. Im sorry you cannot vent to her, but you can to us. I feel ya girl!

Yah for the most part, I can be real with my Mom.
She lives with us!
She sees me with warts and all, and per my Husband and kids.
She is mostly real cool about life, and these things. Now.
Not so much when I was younger. She was more.... cold and rigid. But now as she's aged... she is really great. More human and forgiving.

I respect her. Much more than when I was younger. She is a different woman now... than when she was younger too.
With age, comes wisdom and hopefully, less.... irks.
More peace.
She can be snippy... but can't we all?

I don't fake things with my Mom.
Don't have to.
But of course, the everyday effort to be PLEASANT even when you don't feel pleasant... is the goal. But its not being 'fake.' Its just trying to be civil...

Yes, I experience this with my mom, who I am actually close with and talk to several times a week. But she is a strange bird who is simultaneously very strong and resilient, yet also very negative. Every whiff of something bad happening leads to extreme language that makes me uncomfortable: "was your trip home terrible? oh NO, the kids are sick, you must be MISERABLE." Then she'll come back around to platitudes like your mom uses -- oh well, I'm sure you'll soldier on and get through it." Even if I wasn't complaining all that much, it gets turned into this massive thing she can pep talk me through. I find I have to censor things heavily when I speak to her so that my minor inconveniences aren't turned into huge obstacles. I didn't even feel that bad to start with! I don't act fake or bubbly, I'm just very selective about what I describe and how much information I give her overall.

To cut them slack, they are most likely coming from a place of worry and love. She just wants you to be happy, and she wants to help. Even when it's not very helpful!

No, as far as I can tell, I've never been 'real' to my mom. It's been clear from early childhood that she has a particular picture in her head about 'who' each of her 4 daughters is. Not a very good match with reality.

Assuming that your mom is more mentally flexible than mine, she might need some coaching about what you expect from her when you tell her something difficult or sad about your life. As a mom myself, I know it's awfully hard not to give my daughter advice when she complains about how frantic her life is. She is a very, very busy professional who (mostly) balances that with a very busy home life. I have gradually learned that she just wants to tell somebody sympathetic about her day from hell. So I listen carefully, empathize where I can, laugh at the absurdity of it all, and we're both good till next time.

A couple of times when I tried to offer advice, my daughter has said up-front, "Mom, I just needed to tell somebody about my day." It was helpful information.

NO!!!!!
NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES can I be "real" with my mom. Well, not unless "real" at the moment is what is acceptable or in agreement with her.
(sigh)

Actually, that's not true. I suppose I "can" do anything. But I don't feel comfortable being real with her. I love her very much, we get along well for the most part, but it's always surface stuff. Only once did I actually cry and talk to her about being stressed out when my husband and I were going through a "thing". I try hard to be patient and understanding though, because there's mental illness involved. But while we can love each other, there's also a lot of "stuff" to our relationship that can make me sad.

Over the last few years my parents have started to get "old" so to speak. They are becoming set in their ways. They will worry excessively if they hear one of us had a medical test or we had a problem with the house or the car, and some days they wear rose colored glasses (ie they just *want* everything to be dandy to the point that they will ignore unpleasant
situations)
I feel as though I need to be selective about what I tell them.
This is the exact relationship they had with their parents when they were my age. I even recall being forbidden to tell Grandma and Grandpa about this, that and the other when I was growing up. I guess because of that it feels like this shift in our relationship is normal.

Unfortunately, I learned this lesson with my mom as well. Which is especially sad since I'm an only child and don't have grandparents or know my father. I have learned to keep to the "basics" with my mom. I used to be "real" with her but then she would use that information against me. An example is that I mentioned to her once that we "didn't have any money". Meaning my huband and I had a short month (we are both commission only business owners). I swear, for YEARS after that comment, every time I bought ANYTHING, she would say things like "do you really NEED that since your so broke?". So now I'm "real" with my husband and a close friend, that's it. Unfortunately I can only talk to my mom about the weather, basics about the kids, etc. I guess I'm "ok" with it since I have accepted that that is the kind of relationship we have. I have also limited my time with her for the same reasons.

Sometimes, you have to gauge how much you share with people. My mom likes to talk about herself. She thrives on drama though she is also a very sweet and giving person. The day my husband lost his job and I told her, we were so stressed and scared... she was more interested in talking about her workday with her crappy co-workers. I can only tell her so much. If I talk about a teeny disagreement between my husband and I ,she automatically starts asking if we are divorcing... I'm a hairstylist and she colored her hair. We I went to visit I gave her tons of compliments, but she kept pressing me for how I *really* felt. I said I thought it was just a tad too dark for her skintone and features. She automatically assumed I hated it and why would I hate her hair? When it comes to her issues though, I am definitely the "mom" figure in the relationship. It gets tiring, but it is what it is.

Just temper your emotions if you need too, until you get to the point you feel you are both comfortable with each other. I know this is stupid, but I find that texting my mom makes conversations more smooth and our relationship better in between those phone conversations that can sometimes feel forced or awkward.

First of all, let me tell you that I am an older woman with my kids raised and close to 30 themselves, so maybe I can help you understand where your mother is coming from so you don't feel like you can't be real with her.

Your sentence "She 'probably' views it as whining" says a lot. You are assuming she is viewing it as whining because she sent you an uplifting message, or that is what she felt she was doing. I tell my daughter in laws and son and daughter not to sweat the small stuff when they tell me about problems with their little ones. We don't mean to take away the right to feeling exhausted or frustrated, but we are trying to give hope to what feels like a hard situation for you. We want our children to be happy and love life and make their lives as easy as it can be. We also want them to remember that the things that seems big right now will seen not so big tomorrow, that this too shall pass. This doesn't mean we don't want you to come to us when you are feeling badly or frustrated or exhausted, we want to be there for you, but at these times we forget to just listen and not try to make it better, as it seems you are wishing your mother would do. I don't know how old your child is, but when she/he is older and comes to you with problems of a friend being mean or not liking something in school, you will do just as your mother is trying to do and let them know that it isn't the end of the world and say what you can to make the child who you love more then life it'self feel better.

When you talk with your mom let her know that you are just venting and just needing an ear. Don't be surprised if she doesn't try to make you feel better anyway.. after all it is the mother's instinct.

I feel like my mom is one of the few people I can complain to! Sometimes I tell my husband to stop complaining to me all the time and talk to his mom some! So yes, I think I can be real for the most part. Sometimes I definitely temper things though bc otherwise she worries so much. But I know lots of women who complain to their moms... In your case, maybe she's just trying to be helpful. I think as moms we want to "fix" things for our kids all the time and she's still your mom. Maybe tell her "mom, I appreciate the advice but I'm fine. Sometimes I just want to complain. Is that ok?"

Your mom was probably just trying to make you feel better. Maybe she meant the "small stuff" comment not as lecturing but as comforting? You should be able to just be yourself with your mom. My mom and I talk regularly about all kinds of things. There are some things (too personal) that I omit, but for the most part we are pretty open. Good luck :)

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I have to be real with my mom. Sometimes I'm the "mom" in our relationship...just the way it is. We don't talk much, we don't spend a lot of time together. She does spend a lot of time with the kids, and I am so thankful for that. She's a better grandma than she is mom.

We are not best friends and never will be. I do know that if I need her she's there and the same goes for me. She had a best friend relationship with my grandma...but we just don't.

We see life very differently, we always have.

I usually only respond to these when something really hits me and I was going to respond even before I read your what happened section. I think that if you ask a question on here, you should be open to all types of responses and not pick out individuals to respond to publicly,if you don't like something they've said, send them a private message.
But about your relationship with your mom, all people have different relationships with their parents. Some are extremely close and some are not and some are right in between. About you feeling like she was lecturing you, the only way to know for sure is if you ask her if she thinks that you are whining too much to her, none of us can answer that for you. My hubby goes away, as well, for work, for long stretches of time, and I am also here by myself with 2little kids. So I completely understand that things can be very overwhelming and you get exhausted very quickly. But I also know that when I am by myself, that things do seem a lot more big of a deal than if I were to have my hubby here with me. And I know that I am more overwhelmed than I would be if he were here. From reading your post, unless your mom was attacking you about talking about your feelings, I would just say that she was trying to comfort you and let you know that even though it might seem rougher when he is gone that in the big scheme of things, things are never the same forever. Hopefully your husband won't have to travel alot for his work for the rest of your lives or that if you have small kids, they won't be small forever. The first time my husband got deployed since I've had both of my kids, I was a mess for the first two weeks or so and then that's when I realized that I needed to just take one day and a time and relax, and as aggravating as it might sound, live each day to the fullest! No matter how rough my day or night was the day before, I try and start each day out positively, otw it just feels like one big, long, crappy day! I lost my mom almost 5 years ago, so she was never able to meet my amazing kids and my kids will never be able to talk to, hug, or just meet the wonderful person that she was. My mom and I went through our stages throughout the 27 years that I had her in my life, but before she left us, I was close to her and thought I couldn't get much closer. I was wrong. I never understood what my mom went through being a mom and never exactly will but have a better understanding now that I have 2 children of my own. And when things get tough when I am by myself, with 2 little kids, 2 dogs, a house to take care of, I can hear my mom's voice saying, "Shel, just relax, everything will be ok". Good luck to you and I hope that for all involved that you and your mom are able to talk to each other and be there for one another, I know I really miss my mom and wish she were here for me to talk to!!!

I could write my own post on this subject! Suffice it to say that I've worked through a lot of issues with my mom, and come to an acceptance of, this is how it is. The important thing that I have come to is to ask myself how both I and DD can have a relationship with her within the existing framework of who she is and what her limitations are.

BTW, unless you ask her, you don't know how she views what you said. She may not have thought you were whining but just felt helpless but wanting to help, and this was what she could offer you. Sometimes asking a question about a person's intentions can open up a new kind of dialogue. (I know there is probably some history here that influences your perception, but still--keep the option open)

Nobody wants to talk to Debbie Downer all the time. And nobody wants to hear someone talk about themselves all the time either. And even if you don't mean to sound whiny - your mom is perceiving you that way.

I think you can find a happy medium. Try to balance out your conversation more. I'm sure you'll find your mom will be more of a friend with you.

BTW, my mom passed away 12 years ago. She was my best friend. There was a lot of give and take on both of our parts to be that way. I'd give anything just to talk to her again.

I wish I was. I am jealous of my friends who have great relationships with their moms, because I just don't.
I made the decision long ago that my kids would never go through that though. They can tell me anything and we will get through whatever it is.