Help! My Son Won't Stop Whining!

Hi A.,
Whining is one of the most difficult behaviors for parents to tolerate, and it happens for several different reasons. Based on the personal information you shared above, it is VERY likely a response to the transition and instability he is feeling in his life. Whining is a common response for children feeling stress or needing something that they aren't getting. I would encourage you to respond to the reason for the whining vs. disciplining with time outs. As adults we aren't always very good at handling stress, transitions and change. Imagine what a 2 year old feels. He has been removed from the place he understood as home, his father is no longer there on a day-to-day basis, you are now in a new home - how does he know that you won't leave soon or that you won't move to another home even less desirable? That is tough for anyone let alone a 2 year old. That said, you are in the middle of a tough transition and doing what you need to do to survive. I suspect that a little sensitivity to him, special "fun" time with time with him, flexibility with his whining, and providing as much routine and structure that you can, will go a long way. Discipling him with time out will just show him that you don't understand what he might be feeling and that you aren't interested in understanding. I hear that you want him to stop as do other adults in the household, specifically your mother. The answer is lies in helping him through this tough transition with lots of love, quality attention (not just time in the same room), as much routine as possible, and empathy for his feelings.
L. Montgomery
Family Coach

The whining will stop once he learns to use his words. This is where you come in and any other people in his life that know how to talk. For example, if he is at the fridge and whining for something. Get down to his level, and calmly/nicely (basically talk to him the way you want to be talked to) and say, "I don't understand what you want, use your words" if he doesn't know the word, play detective and help him figure it out. If you know he wants some juice, and he is whining for it. "Oh, you want some juice don't you? I bet that is frustrating for you when you don't know how to ask for what you want, isn't it?" At this time you can help him say the word or if you have the patience and it seems like words aren't going to just pour out of him, teach him some basic signs, drink, more, tired, hungry, etc.. He isn't whining because it is fun for him to annoy you. He is whining because he doesn't have the vocabulary yet to say what he wants and/or whining has gotten him what he needs in the past. If you just hand him what you know he wants after whining then he won't change the way he asks/responds to things because the whining is getting him what he wants. I know it is hard, but don't get annoyed, this is a great opportunity for you and the other adults in the home to model to him how to ask for things, how to respond, etc.. I just re-read your request - you said he know's a lot of words so this is going to be easier than I thought. Like I said above, stay calm, get down to his level and ask him nicely to use his words. "Oh, you want some juice" "OK, can you please say, "Mom, can I have some juice please" just keep doing this, he may not get it at first but get as many words out of him as you can. As long as you are remaining calm and using nice words yourself, he will eventually catch on. But if you are getting short with him, impatient, annoyed, etc.. he will not move in the direction you want. He is still very young. One thing I do when my kids get to me is see things through their eyes, it always changes the way I respond (in a positive way).

During all of this, catch him NOT whining and praise the heck out of him! Even if it is something really simple, if he didn't whine, have a party! "Thank you so much for not whining when you asked for that ball, Mommy loves it so much when you use your words!" big hug and kiss!!

Best wishes,
M.

Hi A., was your son whining like this before the break up with your boy friend? and was the boy friends your sons father? if so, your son is going through the same trauma that a child goes through who is a victim of divorce, it turms their secure world upside down. You mentioned you just moved in with your mother, another change for your son. When he whines tell him to use his words, also try and find a play group in your area they you and he can go to together that may help. Is grandma close to your son? if so that can help too. J.

Hi A.:
First, Its very important for you to realize, that your recent move,probably has a lot to do with his insecurities.Granted you had no other options,but he doesn't know that.Hes a toddler,and all he knows, is that everything around him has changed and is umfamilar.He has fears. The main one is probably ( His fear of Losing you in all the confusion)I know its next to impossible to think as a child would under these circumstances. I'm sure your current living arrangements has you on edge,and having to worry about offending others or interupting their routine because your child is whinning,makes things even more stressful.Half the battle,is knowing what the problem is, and working on resolving it.You need to provide as calm a eviroment as you can. Don't lose your temper,or allow others to take their frustrations out on him.The idea, is to calm any fears he is experiencing. Keep his routine and yours as close as you can to what it was before the move. He is afraid of being separated from you,so he will cling to you.Its going to take a little time for him to realize that you won't disapear,once you leave the room.Try leaving the room for a few minutes at a time,and return to him,so he knows its temporary.Don't change bed times or dinner time or baths. don't stop reading to him at night if hes use to that.He needs to feel all is normal.As before.Don't feel pressured or imbarrassed,because your son is being a normal toddler.I'm certain, it hasn't been that long,ago, that your mother experienced that same crying and whinning.She knew she would hear a certain amount of that, before she permitted you to move in with him.He will sense your being uptight,and unhappy with him,and that won't help your situation.You sound like you know, what he needs. Continue to spend some quality time with him,and give him things to do (Like drawing) to help him pass the time.He will finally adjust to his new home,and surrounding.A.: It would be benificial for you to explain to your mother,that you believe he is having a hard time ajusting to his new home,and that you appreciate her being (Patient)During this time.: ) The very best to you and your son. J.

We found that reminding our son "use your words" and doing time outs for whining helped. I know yours seems young but at almost 2 years of age he will understand that time out means getting no attention for negative behavior. When a child who is capable of talking insists on whining it's typically to get the attention he thinks he should have but children don't automatically understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. They need to be taught and conditioned to understand that. Being a single mom is a hard job and you have to take the place of both parents; you need to be loving and discipline at the same time; that's tough to do being the sole parent but it's important. Another thing to consider if this is a recent thing; is that the change from living with both mommy and daddy to living with mommy in another place can be a hard transition for a child but you still need to stick to your guns and break him of the habit in a loving way so he doesn't continue the whining. As long as you can maintain your composure and enforce time outs for negative behaviors, you will see progress and at some point the behavior will be way less frequent and maybe no longer existent. Boys are a little more stubborn but they can be taught if you make a good effort to enforce proper behaviors. Honestly we still have days where our 4 year old whines about nothing but with a time out he remembers that it's not acceptable and goes on his merry way. I wish you the best; I know you both are going through a hard transition.

I have two boys, ages 3 and 2, and we are no strangers to whining! It drives us nuts, too! This is how we deal with it: we tell them "that is not how we talk, tell me what you need." We ask them to talk politely and use a happy voice or a nice voice. This is something we have to repeat many times throughout the day, mainly with my recent 2 year old. The 3 year old is mostly done with whining (hallelujah!). I think the important thing is not to "reward" the whining by giving him what he wants. Make sure he asks politely in a nice voice, then he can have whatever it is. It's tough when they're so young because there is very little they can communicate that we understand. Many times I have a hard time figuring out exactly what my 2 year old is wanting (he knows many words, but many of them sound almost exactly the same), but I will ask him to show me and then if it is something he is not capable of saying, I make sure he at least says "please" in a nice voice. If it is something he cannot have and I have to say no, there is often a fit, but if I cannot get him quickly distracted with something else, I will have him sit on the couch for a few minutes to "gain self control" and be happy about playing again. I don't think there are any easy answers with this age, but this works pretty well for us. My 2 year old is figuring out that he doesn't get anything for whining, but it is still hard at that age to control the emotions and ask politely, so we give a lot of patient reminders. You may also want to mimic the whining sound for your son so he knows the sounds you do not want him to make. This is not for mockery or criticism, just so he can understand what you are talking about if you say "no whining." I have vivid memories of my childhood, many people told me a lot to "stop whining," but I had no idea what they were talking about - I didn't know what "whining" meant! I wish someone had explained it to me earlier, so I knew what this was that so many people didn't like! I laugh about it now, but I don't want my boys to go through that. So we give a demonstration of the sounds that are unacceptable, then we have them repeat after us in the tone of voice we would like them to use and the words to use. It is really beautiful now with my 3 year old, he will ask in such a nice voice, "Mommy, may I please have some milk/crackers/etc." without prompting, so it is worth all of the coaching we have been through in the last year+.
Hang in there and it will get better!

I totally understand where you are coming from. My first son whines, too. Think about what you do when he whines. Next time, watch yourself and see. If you cater to what he wants when he whines, he learns that whining is the way to get things. When my son whines, we tell him that we do not understand what he is saying when he speaks in that way, but, when he speaks using his words, we understand what he says.

Now my younger son cries when he wants something. We do the same. We tell him that we do not understand what he is saying and will not respond until he speaks in a big boy voice.

And when they speak normally, we praise them! The trick is to praise them...speaking normally is what we want so when it happens, it is tough to notice. We had to really pay attention.

This method has really helped us in combating annoying whining and crying.