Can a 4 Y/o Be Depressed?

Updated on March 23, 2010
N.G. asks from Bethlehem, PA
10 answers

Over the past month my sons behavior has really started to concern me. He "hates" everything from the food I make to the clothes he wears, to his friends at school. If he doesn't like something he runs to his room crying. I am just at a loss...I've tried different approaches to dealing with this from ignoring to trying to calm him down by talking to him. I work PT and my husband works a rotating schedule so we spend equal amounts of time with him. Although lately he does want his dad more & cries for him during the day. He does attend PS and interacts great with the kids and the teachers have no concerns...but when I pick him up & ask about his day he says he hates school, it was boring, etc.......sometimes he cries just because I picked him up instead of dad. I don't know what to do.....

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A.H.

answers from St. Joseph on

I agree with what Marly said, probably better to have Dad talk with him and see what he can find out about what's going on with him. From what you've said, he seems stressed out about something.
Sounds like something is going on at school, or something happened recently that he doesn't know how to deal with or how to express his feelings about it. Is there a particular kid or teacher he seems to be uncomfortable around that you've noticed? Someone may be bullying, teasing, or possibly even abusing him. Hopefully it's something we adults would consider "minor" (though it's probably "major" to him) that Dad can help him deal with. In the meantime, try not to take his behavior personally; it seems he needs his Dad in a different way than you right now, but it doesn't mean he doesn't need you, too. :-)
If he won't talk to Dad, either, I would suggest taking a day here and there to spend some time volunteering in the school/classroom. If you can be in the environment firsthand, it may give you some clues as to what's going on. And as a last resort, you might need to see a counsellor. Sometimes a child is more willing to talk to an adult that isn't Mom or Dad, because then they're not so worried about getting in trouble for saying what's on their mind.
HTH!

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D.S.

answers from New York on

I own a preschool and see this often. I am going to go in a completely different direction. I have seen children behave like this just for their parents with total manipulation. Just because they can, and because they get the attention they are looking for by doing so. I have a boy in my kindergarten class who walks in with his mom or dad like he lost his best friend. I am talking head down to the floor, frown on his face, will barely kiss them goodbye. The second they leave the room (usually upset) he transforms into a completely different child. He is happy, social, actually quite a class clown. Basically a very happy child. The second his parents pick him up he could be in the middle of laughing hysterically, the frown comes back on, the sullen look, etc. It is amazing to watch and it happens everyday. I swear he looks like he is suffering from sever depression. I have seen his mom with him in the hallway, bent on her knees asking him whats wrong, hugging him, comforting him, the same with dad. On grandparents day I had all of the grandparents come in. His grandma came in and he acted the same. Sad face wouldn't even talk to her, and when he did it looked like it was painful to speak. His grandma looked at me rolled her eyes and said I don't know why he is like this. She too gave him so much cuddling and attention and continuously asking him what was wrong. It is baffling to me as well. I do think he is fine and he does it because he gets so much attention and comfort from this behavior that it has become he way of doing so. Most children do not know how to express their feelings so they act out. Once they see something works they continue. It could be just for the attention because he does miss dad, but he needs to learn other ways to express himself. I can assure you that contrary to what other posters say not all teachers are not forthcoming with concerns about children. It is very possible they do not see this behavior from him during class because he just doesn't show that side of him. My kids always knew how to manipulate me, and sometimes having their meltdowns only when home. No one ever saw it, which I always thought well they have to let it out somewhere better home then in school or at a friends house. This could be just his comfortable place to decompress, or release his emotions and there really is nothing wrong. Is there anyway you could observe him in school without him seeing you. If you stay in the room he will never behave the same as he does when you are not present. Is it possible to have a play date with a friend from school so you can see how he does interact socially and if he is having trouble in this area. If you observe nothing then you will clearly see this is his way of getting attention. You can help him to find a different way to do so. Try to keep your questions brief and positive. Like "Wow you look like you were having so much fun when mommy came to get you" Or when you drop him off maybe " How would you like to go get some lunch when mom picks you up or the park" This may help him and give him something to look forward to when you do pick him up. Prepare him when dad is not picking up, and have dad call him from work if he is not picking up. Having dad call from work can help him when he is missing him and also preparing him for dad not being home when he get out of school can help as well. I have seen many children have meltdowns when mom comes and not dad, or the opposite when dad comes and not mommy, so please do not feel bad about that a lot of his behavior sounds very normal. It could just be he is having different feelings he just needs to learn how to process them and how to communicate easier. You can help him do that by trying no to feed into it and keeping positive yourself. I know it is hard and we always as parents go to the bad place, and the worry does show. I am sure your son is fine. Just keep an eye and communicate further with his teachers. You are his momma and you know him best if you see is having difficulty when you are socializing him then I would dig deeper. Good luck and keep us posted.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Yes, 4 yo can be depressed. Keep in mind a depressed mood can be caused by any number of things. Is he getting enough sleep? Does he eat enough to maintain his weight. Does he enjoy doing some things even tho he hates other things? What is important is the total picture.

It is common for kids, even at this age, to say that they hate everything. He could've picked up this phrase at school and is trying it out to see what sort of reaction he'll get. Running to his room crying does indicate that he's upset but not necessarily that he's depressed. My grandkids run to their room crying when they're tired and aren't allowed to do something that they want to do or are told to do something that they don't want to do They are frustrated or even angry. Running to their room to cry is one healthy way to express their feelings.

He may be reacting to the serious way that you're reacting to his statement. He could be feeling that if you're taking him seriously something may be wrong.

Another aspect to consider is how much approval is he getting at home and at school and what sort of discipline is used at both places. Is the discipline consistent and firm but respectful of him as a child? Is it given in a calm, reasonable, child accepting manner? Is the tone of voice neutral or tending towards anger?

How are you and your husband getting along? Is the household experiencing stress or tension? Is it chaotic? Even tho everything is OK is there serious discussion that could feel like negative energy to him? I remember feeling anxious at a very young age when the adults at family dinners argued about politics.

It does sound like something is going on to make him unhappy when you say he cries when you pick him up and he wants Dad. Could you be trying too hard to soothe him so that he'll be happy? Perhaps talking him out of being upset? I see this often. It's something like "don't cry. You're alright." when he's not feeling alright. It sometimes helps to say, "Moms got you now. You're OK." A subtle difference but one that some kids pick up on and others don't.

Are you feeling confident and/or showing him confidence in your ability as a parent? When parents try "too hard" make their child happy this can cause them to feel insecure. Children depend on parents knowing what is best for them.

My suggestion is that you take a look at what is happening in these areas at school and at home and perhaps modify some of what you're doing. I wouldn't try to talk to him while he's upset. Let him voice his feelings and comfort him. Then, later, when he's playing, try asking some questions while you're playing with him. Be casual so that he won't feel that what he says is important.

You can also read books about feelings with him and leave plenty of time spaces and ask questions so that he's comfortable making comments about what you're reading. If the book is about a child, ask him what he thinks the child might feel like before you turn the page to read what he did feel like. Use this opportunity to discuss these situations as they might relate to him but use the books character as the focus.

Tell him stories about situations that you want to know about. For example tell him about a little boy who hates school. Ask your son why he thinks this boy hates school. Ask him what he thinks could be done so that this boy would like school. Do the same thing with anything you want to know more about what he thinks.

Do remember that saying, "I hate school It's boring." does not necessarily mean it's boring. Boring is a catch all word for dissatisfaction. Go one step further and ask why it's boring. If he can't think of anything to say, make some suggestions such as "is it boring because you have to stay in your seat?" If his answer is yes or seems to be in that direction ask him what happens when he doesn't stay in his seat?

I suggest that you also observe in the classroom and on the playground if this is at all possible. Do this several times. Make an appointment with the teacher and ask her what she thinks is going on.

I suspect your son is the only child with a parent working a rotating schedule. He may not understand the schedule and feels apprehensive or unsure when he'll see his Dad. My father, a fireman, handled this with us by marking a calendar so that we could look at it and know what shift he was working. He used a color code. If the week was colored in blue we could look at the symbol on the side and know that blue meant he was working from 6am-6pm. He worked something like 4 days on and 4 days off. His days off were not colored. We also talked often about his schedule.

Do you work the same days and same hours all the time? Remind him the day before that you'll be working tomorrow but Dad will be here.
In fact, talk with him about what is happening as time goes along. As adults we pick up on cues about the next activity but kids haven't learned how to do this yet.

If the school has a counselor it may help to talk with them. They've had training and experience in what to expect from children at various ages. It sounds to me, based on the little bit you've been able to describe in a small space that he's feeling anxious but is not necessarily depressed.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Does he have friends? You said he interacts great with other kids.. but does he have friends, and do other kids play with him?

Could someone be telling your son something about his Daddy? Sometimes kids make mean remarks. Maybe that is why he is having anxiety or asking for his Dad more???

You need to ask the Teacher... because his comments about school mean something is amiss. Does he learn well? Does he like to learn? Is the school rigid or more flexible in how they treat kids and the school routines and expectations. Some kids do not do well with rigid structured schools/Teachers. Or is he getting picked on by kids or the Teacher?
Is anyone telling him "don't tell your Parents" kind of thing?

If the Teacher says everything is fine... and hunky-dorey.. I would wonder about that too... because your son is NOT hunky-dorey or feeling happy.
Sometimes, Teachers don't say what is going on... or sometimes the Teacher doesn't notice things.... either. After all, there are so many kids to mind at the same time.

He misses his Dad... so maybe they both can just hang out and talk.
He also seems to "hate" everything... can he verbalize or express himself more than that and "explain" his feelings or "why he hates things? Have you asked him "why?" Sometimes kids hate things because they are maybe comparing themselves to others as well... and they don't feel they are like the others.... or not good enough.

There is something that is causing this. He just has not been able to say it exactly, nor articulate it. He is 4. But yet...boys especially also have to learn how to express their feelings and that it is okay to have feelings.. and that they can tell their parents, without feeling like a "baby."

All the best,
Susan

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D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi, Mom:
Have you thought about going to school and staying to watch the interaction for a couple of hours.

You son needs something he is not getting. Of course you know that.
What is your schedule of spending time, talking, holding, hugging and reading to him.

How much time is he in school? Is he in school when you are home?
If you can't discover the answer. Find a family therapist to discover the problem.

Good luck. D.

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P.W.

answers from Dallas on

Is this brand new behavior? Brand new behavior over the past month could be an illness. Sometimes a infection can linger in the body and cause problems. Was your son sick before this all started happening? Possibly a strept throat? If so go ask for a blood test. Ask about "pandas."

If this is brand new behavior something could have happened at school to upset him. Do some research.

If this is not new behavior, just something that has come to a head......could be a learning difference or pure boredom, or even aspergers. Talk to the teachers and other mom's. Have the other mom's ask their kids. Find out what goes on in the classroom. How your son reacts. How he is doing socially and what are his eating habits. You may just need a better fit for your son as far as schools, or your son may need testing.

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R.D.

answers from Chicago on

You haven't mentioned in your note if his teacher is male/female. Perhaps something has gone wrong at his school and hes' not saying or someone has been picking on him and he doesn't know what to do. I'm not sure but in Ontario its a hands off policy and perhaps if someone is treating him badly he is afraid to say so. When your husband comes home perhaps he can sit with him and have a chat, man to man so to speak. Little man/big man. He may respond to your husband. Obviously something is going on at school. I know my grandson will say hes' had a good day but by his tone you know he didn't. Within about an hour he will speak up and tell what happened. Sometimes its the teacher themselves who are doing the picking and he is terrified to say something. Hopefully this helps, and good luck!!

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M.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

When my older son was 9 he was misdiagnosed with being depressed - a year later we had him go through tests and discovered he has Aspergers Syndrome.
I hope you find the root of what's going on, I know how frustrating it is when you don't know what's the matter.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Yes, toddlers can be depressed. I've heard that this can happen when brain chemistry gets off balance, and/or when the child feels he has no control in his life. If your son seems truly unhappy about everything, and there are no periods of laughter or play, then he may have a problem worth getting evaluated.

My 4yo grandson, normally buoyant and cheerful, sometimes apparently "experiments" with sadness and discouragement. I believe he's seeing it modeled by family members or schoolmates, possibly even in children's videos which often show the protagonist dealing with loss, sadness, danger, etc. He's very much into play-acting, and since he is in a good mood most of the time, I think he's just learning to stretch his emotional range.

And of course how his caretakers react to his moods, real or pretend, is a learning experience, too. If we rush to "rescue" him from sadness, he might get a rush of power out of that and be sad at more opportunities. To prevent that outcome, we gently express care, and inquire into what he's feeling, and if it seems appropriate (sometimes the mood is for real), we might consider with him what might be done about it. Or get him a meal, or some play time, or guide him toward a nap if he's lacking in some physical need.

I've been digesting two wonderful books that you might find helpful in these delicate inquiries into your son's emotional well-being. Both are rich with examples of how to talk to kids in a way that's respectful and empowering (to yourself, as well). One book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can sample it here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

The other is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman.
It also coaches parents on how to help a child identify and work with his own emotions. I highly recommend both books to all parents, and especially those who are worried about communicating with moody kids.

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J.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Is he on medication? I am currently in the process of figuring out if my son's med (Singulair) is giving him issues. Depression and seperation anxiety are common side effects and he is showing signs of both.

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