My First Grader

Hey S. I couldnt help but respond to this, I'm going through something similiar with my son and daughter and their dad. My son does have a behavioral problem and it comes from all the arguing during our breakup, then fighting over the kids. My son was doing that as a way of getting attention, but when he was with me, I didnt see that behavior other than the normal sibling rivalry. The school behavior was an outcry for help, for attention, my children both see child psychs, and so far what i've learned, is children act out in different ways, everything we do and say they catch onto, your children know whats going on, but they just dont know how to interpret that, and dont know the proper way to deal with it. Even tho our situations are different some things are similar,, the thing with the teacher, just make sure they know a little bit of whats going on in your family, and your daughter may be acting out feelings or frustrations, having parents that arent together, I've learned is hard for a child, and you know girls love being with their mothers,,,but just make sure the teacher doesnt label her as a trouble maker, so that way even if she's behaving herself, she doesnt get blamed for it, just talk to the teacher, get a full understanding of whats actually going on, and make sure she knows. I dont know how old your daughter is, but if she's old enough to understand things try to talk to her, maybe she can give you some insight on how she feels in her little heart, let her know no matter what you will always be there, and that you love her, let her know that your there to talk as well as listen to her, and you want her to help you understand whats going on in school or in class, so that you can make it better or her like mothers do. I hope that helps some,,,keep in touch if you want to

As usual, there's nothing but great advice already here! I just want to add that labels aren't so bad in the end. I was afraid of that too for my son and youngest daughter but really, nobody sticks that label on their forehead. More often that "label" allows them to get the help they need to get through current situations, and sometimes if the school is doing the labeling-they'll pay for any services needed! Trust me, nobody is going to look back in Emilie's file in 10 years and say "OH you were labeled "..." when you were 5!" That's just not going to happen.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I divorced when my daughter was 4 and it was really hard on her w/visitations and all. She colored with nothing but a black crayon for almost an entire year. We joke about it now (she's 21 and doing fine) but divorce is very hard on children of any age. They just love their parents so much and don't have the ability to understand it all until much later in life. How is your other child handling this situation?

Feel free to email me (____@____.com) if you want to talk. Blessings to you.

It sounds as if your daughter is acting out, at school. I have a bit of experience in this. This past year has been really hard on my family and myself. My husband and I have a 6 yr. old son who just started kindergarten and a 6 month old son that was 8 weeks premature. I had a very difficult pregnancy and was rushed to the ER on more than one occasion. At the same time, we were looking to buy our first house. Our 6 yr. old (then 5 yrs. old) was in preschool, but was sick more often than not and was diagnosed with asthma and chronic bronchitis. He missed a ton of school last year. Then the day we were to close on our house, my water broke. Our infant son was in the NICU for 16 days...14 of which, I stayed in the hospital with him. Which meant while my husband was working, packing our old place up, and moving us, our 5 yr. old was being passed between family members for 2 weeks. Then when I did get home with our newest member of the family, my time was eaten up with nursing every 2 hours. Our 5 yr. old still missed a good deal of school once I was home, because the trip there was a 30 minute drive every morning, and I was spending all night up with the baby. I was never so thankful for summer! While we are in a nice big house now, our oldest son was very accostumed to living in smaller courters. We had lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment for the first 4 years of his life. Then we moved into a 2 bedroom trailer for 1 year. We were always within earshot of one another. Now, we live in a 2 story house and when he's upstairs and we're downstairs, you can't hear each other. So he hates the house.
All of that was to get to his behavior in school this year. He has had more problems than I ever thought he would. I have met with his teacher and the principal and the school counselor more than once. He is now seeing the school counselor once a week. I would suggest that route, for your daughter as well. Kids may be resilient, BUT they are still just kids. And when they don't know how to handle things, it manifests in their behavior away from mom & dad. I KNOW my son is a good kid. But his behavior at school shows everyone else, something totally different. I would sit down and talk with your daughter. Let her know it's okay to feel upset about the break up. It's okay to feel nervous and scared. But that acting out at school is NOT okay. And as I said, I would have her speak with a counselor. Most schools offer one, free of charge. And we've found that kids tend to open up to someone other than their parents because they feel that their parents may be upset with the things they say. I wish you much luck with your daughter.

Hi S., I just thought I'd drop a quick note on this to give another point of view, to the already great ones shown. I am a mother of two girls and was a teacher (before having the kids). I understand your disbelief in the reports of your child's behavior; however, please remember from when you were younger - kids do not always act the same way in front of the their parent as they do without them, especially when there is an audience of youngsters that is all too willing to encourage bad behavior. If this is the first meeting with the teacher it is doubtful that they are working on labeling. Look forward to going to start a relationship with the teacher. If at all possible, try not to be defensive, and instead be positive and encouraging letting her know you want to rectify the situation and work together on a rewards system. After the meeting be sure to follow up with her. Most teachers will have email addresses - so that would be an easy way to just jot a quick note down. I also agree it is very important you let her know about the divorce - no details of course, just that she is dealing with the loss of the family unit. I'm sure she is just acting out, and often the kids can get jealous towards other kids who talk of the things they did with mommy and daddy over the weekend. Good Luck to you - I'm sure if you all work together as a team, you will get the best results.

i would sit down and talk with her. I think that she is old enough to be able to tell you what shes feeling. If its because she misses you and thats why shes acting out, then she should be able to express that to you. Also if you shall take her to see a doctor for this behavior for any reason, DO NOT let them just label her with any type of behavior problem. She really doesn't sound like that shes a problem a child, I bet its because she don't get to see her mommy as much as she would like during the week. As you have already mentioned before when shes with you, its like shes a totally different kid from what these reports are that you are receiving. Also I don't know what your situation is, but have you and your ex husband tried reversing her living arraingments for a short time? What I mean by this is, try letting her stay with you a couple of nights during the week, let he go to school from there, and see how she acts. If you don't get any bad report from the teacher, then I bet its because she is missing you and this is the only way for her to express it.

S.,

First of all hang in there. You are right to be worried that school will "label" her, but chances are what's happening in the classroom is more likely a side effect of what's going on with you and your "home" situation.

Get in touch with the teacher; if you don't get regular updates, find a way to communicate before there's a really "big" issue to deal with. May be her teacher can e-mail you so when you have time with your daughter you can address it. That way too the school knows you're involved and on top of it.

First grade is so tough - that first year sets the tone for the years to follow. My daughter had an awful first grade teacher (NO LIE) and it probably took her til about 4th grade to get over the "label" or at least what she thought was the "label" given to her by that unprepared, unqualified teacher.

Hope that helps.

I totally believe you in the difference between your house and school. My daughter can be terrible at home and everyone at school thinks she is an angel. She can be an angel but she saves all her good behavior for school. When I have mentioned her bad behavior to her teachers they don't believe me.

As for labels that can be a tricky one. As for talking to the teacher I was wondering if you can meet with her sooner than the conference. I meet with everyone that deals with my daughter both teacher and aid that she works with and a principle was even there. We all talked about what was going on with her and we were all on the same page. Not to mention they were aware that I was an approachable concerned involved parent. I e-mail her teachers a couple of times a week about assignments and other things. If your daughter know that she might feel that you are all on her side working together to help her achieve. Also if she can control herself with you and she know the teachers and you are in contact she may think about her behavior.

I know it can be frustrating when you are getting one thing at home and another out in public. I also have a 4 year old son who is wonderful out in public but can be a holy terror at home. When I would try to talk to friends and family about it they would not believe me. I try to focus on the positive. Maybe someday he will be a great polititcian! He he is good in public and only does bad things behind closed door!!!! Just kidding.

Good luck and keep us posted!
J.

Just be honest with her teacher. Tell her that she doesn't act that way with you. Let the teacher know that you are filing for full custody. Your daughter just might be a little confused about her home situation. She might just need to talk to the school therapist.

I don't think you need to worry about labels yet. I think she is acting out because you and her father split up. Little kids don't know how to express themselves, and this may be her way of trying to cope or to get attention. I do think you need to briefly let her teacher know that you and her dad split up, and that may be why she is acting out. Maybe the teacher would have some suggestions on how to help your daughter. The guidance counselor at the school may also be a good resource. Maybe your daughter would benefit from talking to the counselor- sometimes a neutral party is easier for them to talk to, and can gain insight into what is going on. Remember, the divorce or split doesn't just effect you, it also affects your kids, and different kids react differently. You may have to sit her down and ask her why she acts the way she does. I highly doubt it is a problem with the school or the teacher or the other kids, or even her father. It's likely just that she is having a hard time dealing with this new arrangement, and is probably very confused. Go to the conference with an open mind, and ask the teacher for suggestions on how to help your daughter. Most teachers have invaluable experience and can give you ideas on how to help your little one through this difficult transition. Best wishes.