I Have a Question About Friendship's with Teachers

The best way I can say this is that this woman is providing a professional service to you and your family. You wouldn't engage in a "friendship, without boundaries" with your child's pediatrician or dentist would you?

In essense, a teacher is no different. I work in special education myself and I know that there is a different kind of relationship that develops because your child is cared for in a different way, a more intense way. It might be easy to get caught up in that, but honestly, she is just doing her job. I would try not to take it personally.

Another person mentioned that you could engage in friendship after your child is out of her classroom which I also agree with and if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

Good luck to you!!!

I am a teacher and I understand what she is saying. Teachers always have to keep boundaries with parents, at least while the child is in our classroom. Often times, parents befriend teachers and then without intentionally doing, they ask questions about school, ask about other kids and things like that. Teachers also fear that when the are friendly with a parent, parents expect special treatment for their kids. Teachers also have to evaluate kids without bias and sometimes that is hard if they become friends with the family. After your child leaves this teacher's class this year, there should not be a problem, but I do understand how the teacher feels, I hope this has helped in some way.
M.

Hi S.,

I am a special ed teacher and have experienced a co teacher’s mistake with becoming too close with the parent of a child in our class. Although this may not be the case with you, the relationship became very uncomfortable with my co teacher. They had a prior friendship outside of school, when they were in high school. After they attempted to regain that friendship, the parent began expecting inappropriate things from the teacher, like asking for special consideration for her child, or for the teacher to bring the student home from school. The problem that ultimately arose is the resentment from other parents in the class. The friendship became known by the other parents and the other parents felt the student was favored in class. Imagine how you would feel if you were on the outside looking in, feeling like you were not part of the group and that your child might not be treated as well as another child in school. Although it might not be appropriate right now, in the future you might find her as a confidant as questions arise later in your child's education.

Good luck!

I am a teacher and I am friends with some of my students parents. Now, I am not friends like call them to go shopping, out to dinner, things that I would do with my girlfriends because there is a boundary line that can not be crossed. I do have my students home phone numbers (and some trusted students have mine) and do not hesitate to call them about school issues or sometimes out of school issues that I know they have more knowledge than me in. For example, one of my students father restores furniture. I called because I had a question about an old dining room set I had and having it restored. They will call me at home if there is something like a sale for something that they know that I can use in my classroom.

Society had deemed it imappropriate for teachers to become close with any student or their family. A teacher always has the fear of lawsuits and being accused of inappropriate behavior when they become more than just the teacher in a student's or their families lives. School also discourage it because of possible problems that it may lead to.

I suggest to stay freindly with the teacher but don't expect her to become your best friend outside of school and please realize that she also has your childs best interest at heart just as much as you do. Consider yourself lucky to have such a wonderful and caring teacher in your son's life who can make a positive impact in their educational experience.

I agree with most of what everyone else has said. As a teacher, which I am, the obligation goes first and foremost to the employing district. This teacher may really like you and in any other instance, absolutely love to be your friend, but because she is the teacher of your child, she simply can't. There is the possibility of too many problems arising from the situation.

Hi there-

As a first time mom of a 3-year old, I also became friends with my son's teacher. My child had a lot of health problems and so I wanted to stay on top of his care...much like you. Anyway, I learned the hard way that there were boundaries and was very hurt to learn that the friendship I had fostered was just a professional/ friendly relationship for her. It stinks but it's important to keep in mind that she is just being professional. Count your blessings that she told you of the boundaries before you said/ did something that you wouldn't normally say/ do in front of the teacher.

Maybe you can find a similiar friendship in a Mom's group? Good luck to you. Hope this helps!

Hi, I agree with the person who said to not take it personally. There has to be boundaries. I have a son who is developmentally delayed and has been in the school system since he was 3. He's now 7 and I think I have a closer relationship with his teachers because I find it important to work closely with them on his development, behaviors, etc. We are friendly and can joke around too but when things need to be discussed seriously, they are. However, I have emailed old teachers/therapists, sent them pictures, etc when they no longer teach my son. It seems like the boundaries loosen up at that point.

Hi, I was just reading what you wrote and I'm a mom but I do have 2 friends that are teachers. In fact one of them is a special ed teacher and the other is a second grade teacher. To be quite honest there are times when we do hang out and drink. But then again they are not any of my kids teachers. If this friend of yours is telling you that there are boundaries to your friendship then I would just leave it to that. She probably feels that she wants to connect to you and your family being that she's your sons teacher. I'm really sorry that she misled you in regards to your friendship. If I were you I would respect the boundary that she's put in between and not confide in her specially if there's something she might use against you and your family (not that I'm saying she would). I don't know how good of friends you two are but if you feel comfortable with her maybe you should express your sadness in learning that she doesn't consider you to be a real friend to you the way you considered her to be.

although I am a college instructor, I completely agree with your son's teacher. she is absolutely correct and wise to draw the line now. her responsibility is to teach and nurture your son, not to befriend his mother, so that there can be no conflict of interest later on. there are very specific policies about these kinds of relationships when you are a teacher. she would be putting her career in jepardy if she didn't tell you this now. you should still feel free to discuss your child's progress with her and to have a good relationship with her as parent/teacher. but that is as far as it can go as long as she is your son's teacher.

S.,
I do think your son's teacher is acting appropriately. Her first priority is her job (your son and her other students.) She must abide by the policies of the school, also. My experience is to hope for cordial dealings with my son's teachers. Friendships just are not possible without compromising the care of the students.
Amy

S. -

I had a simlilar expereince happen. I became friends with my son's SLP. We immediately "clicked" and it was great to speak candidly about my fears about my son. She was so supportive. And, after about a year, she pulled away citing boundaries. (BTW - I've looked into the ethics issues and yes, it is a real thing.)

It was painful and I was hurt. However, the boundaries are there for a very good reason. She can't be objective about my son's treatment if we are friends, and I can't be objective about determining the right course for him. And, of course, there are times when we disagree and we need to be able to voice that, to work together, without a fear of jeopardizing my son's treatment. Now, we have a very friendly relationship where we can still empathize thorugh tough times, but don't go out, or have overly personal conversations. We know that someday she won't be treating my son and possibly then we can have a deeper friendship but for now, this happy medium has allowed us to both see things more objectively.

Now, with that said, I can also empathize with your feelings of loss about this relationship (on top of whatever loss or other feelings you may be having about your son). I encourage you to connect with other mothers that are going through similar challenges. This has reall helped me. I don't knwo what your son's issues are, but we have a parent organization and, if it at all fits with your child's profile, please join and come to some of our events. Check us out at www.chicagofloortimefamilies.com. If our group doesn't at all apply to your situation, you can still email if you want to talk. I'm sure we still have some things in common in terms of helping our kids to develop to their fullest capacity.

Also, are there other moms in your son's school with whom you can connect? It woudl be grat if you coudl organize a coffee clutch or a mom's night out where you can support each other throuhg the ups and downs of developmental delays.

It is so wonderful that your son has a teacher that you feel is good for him, and that you admire. that is a true blessing. And, clearly you've already established a strong communication. That is important. Allow for the boundaries, but know that your strong relationship will actually help you in advocating for your child, and help her to see your child as an individual. Be thankful.

Hang in there. It will be OK. Try to find the outlets you need. that is important.

R.