Bullies and How to Deal with Their Parents

Nancy, I remember from a previous post that you were having similar issues with a relative of another neighbor. I would suggest, given the quality of the children in your neighbourhood, that you only have supervised play dates (if possible). Do you have an enclosed backyard? If so, have David invite a few select friends should play there. If not, try to supervise a game with some of the nicer kids and when the other children want to join in you should explain the rules to them - be nice or leave - if they cannot play nicely within the supervised group then you should exlude them, they should soon get the message. Otherwise, start taking David to a local park where he can play and interact with other children.

Goo luck

My son is 11 yrs old and your first paragraph brought me to tears because he's constantly being picked on in school. He's excluded, called names, and generally pushed around consistently. It is the most heartbreaking thing ever to watch.

He doesn't "fit in" with his peers because he's not a rock 'em, sock 'em, run around all the time playing sports kind of kid. He'd rather play quietly in the corner with legos, rrad a book, or something more like that. He'd rather play with the girls in his class because they're not so physical and abusive to him. And, he has a twin sister so he knows just as many of the girls in their classes anyway.

It's escalated to "the boys" calling him gay because he has one, and only one, friend in the whole school, and yes- she's a girl. The sweetest girl; I just adore her. She is a bit on the "outs" with the other girls- she's more tom-boy than girly-girl so their personalities seem to meet somewhere in the middle.

I'm praying that in middle school next year when another 4 elementary schools are added to the mix that they will find new opportunities to make friends. It's been awfully difficult when my daughter is constantly invited to parties and outings with her friends and he's not. Kids are just mean- plain and simple.

And it's even more of a slap in your face when the parents just don't care at all. It's easy to see that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in these instances! If only they knew what and how they were raising their children!!

I really have no advice because I think I'm searching for some of my own along with you. I just couldn't read your story and not sympathize with you. I wll keep reading replies here hoping to find an answer as well!

Hi Nancy,
I'm sorry that you and your son have to deal with that. I do understand about how your son doesn't pick up on social cues. We fortunatly have very nice and polite neighbors. My son is almost 6 and we have a boy next door whos 11. Whenever he is outside my son wants to play with him but for obvious reasons (age) he doesn't want to play with my son. But he is very polite about it and I try and keep him away from him and his friends. I'm not sure what advice I have for you but I do feel for you and wish you had nicer neighbors.
Chris

I'm sorry that you have to go through this horrible situation. Reading your post was heartwrenching. I can tell you this much from my experience: that little girl will get what is coming to her and so will her mom. The woman sounds like an idiot. If she or her daughter continues to be a nuisance, get the police involved. I'd bet that you are not the only parent who has confronted her about her daughter's behavior either. Remember, you did the right thing, it's not your son or you--it's the others who do not have proper social manners. I agree with the other moms who suggest getting some well-mannered kids in the neighborhood to play with him. Unfortunately, even at this young age, tell him that he will not get along with everyone he meets nor will he like everyone he meets (vice versa)--that's just life. If I were you, I would take your son to a park or sign him up to some sort of activity that he would be interested in. Try to channel some positive socialization. If he gets isolated by others, I suggest getting him involved in the martial arts. By no means am I supporting or promoting violence, but if this ever manifests into a major issue for your son, consider the martial arts to build discipline and self confidence. And, if he needs to ever defend himself, he will have the means to do so.

-M.

Your son's attraction to this brat probably has a lot to do with hoping to get her on his side so she'll stop being mean to him.

I think the problem is unsupervised children. If that brat's mom was onsite all the time, she'd have fewer delusions about her kid's behaviour. And if you were there all the time, right beside your son, brat would have less access and more supervision than she has now.

We have a cultural story about children 'needing' other kids, and how it's beneficial for kids to spend periods of time roaming freely with bands of other children.

I disagree. Children make very poor adults, and that means they're bad at supervising themselves and other children. And, frankly, children need parents and adults who love them and who will keep them safe. Everything else is nice if it works and remains safe and healthy, but unnecessary.

Nowhere else in the world are children 'free' to spend the kind of time at liberty that the average American 6yo has. Strangely, all kinds of things are much less common in other parts of the world: bullying, gangs, the whole teen 'generation gap' problem, vandalism and surliness...

When I look around at the kids in my neighbourhood, who we've known for decades now, I see two groups: happy, well-adjusted young adults who engage readily with people of all ages, and angry, childish young people who are immature for their ages, who continue to wear clothing appropriate to children 10 years younger than themselves and who associate almost exclusively with people their own age with great disrespect of anyone much older and much younger. From this viewpoint, it's perfectly obvious which kids were either supervised most of the time by their parents or by the parents of their friends.

You could save that little girl, by mentoring her rather than trying to get her mom to parent her properly. Only if you feel you have time while doing your primary job of raising your son well, of course.

I agree with Dawn, supervised activities would be best. I assume by your posting that you are out there watching him anyway, so just let the "nice" kids come into your yard and play with him. Set up games for them. If this little girl cannot be nice then she needs to not be in your yard. Obviously you are not going to get through to the mother so you need to take control of the situation yourself.
Apart from the distress it is causing you, you don't want your son to start mimicking the behaviour, so he needs to see from you that it is not acceptable and that children who display this kind of behaviour are excluded.
There are lots of other places where he can socialise with other kids such as the park, the library etc. Maybe start taking him elsewhere to socialise in different groups of kids.

WOW. I'm so sorry. How horrible for you and your son...and for it to be a neighbor that you can't really get away with, even worse.

Here is my advice...take it for what it is worth (maybe not much-- my son is also 5, but we have not dealt with this)

1. You are probably taking this harder than your son. You understand how horrible and wrong it is...he may not quite completely get it yet. Don't make it worse by making a big deal out of it.

2. I tell my son he needs to be nice to everyone...but in this situation, I think you tell your son, we aren't going to play with Madison b/c mommy doesn't think she play's nice (not...that she isn't a nice girl or not that her mom isn't nice (or is crazy:)) b/c you don't want him repeating any of that). Tell him, when he sees her, he should come home, walk away, etc.

3. I would get a book from the library/book store on bullies. Read it with him. See what he says...let him take the lead.

4. Stay away from your crazy neighbor!

From your description of the interaction of the mom and daughter... You know where she got the yelling thing from....
I would get some cool cheap amusements... Bubbles, Jumpropes, sidewalk chaulk, Out door dress up stuff, etc from the dollarstore and then allow ANYONE who plays in YOUR yard to use them... It won't be long before YOU can teach this girl a life lesson. She has to be RESPECTFUL... If there is no respect, there are no toys for her....Your yard, your rules...

Supervise the play... Someone has to...

Perhaps set up a video camera ... Get a nice long tape of her being a bully and then send it to the mom (is there a dad?)

Just remember... What one persone sees as bullying, others may not. They may just look at it as "kids learning a social structure... as long as my kids top dog." You will be running the chance of having a neighbor who not only doesn't watch her child but also spreads dirt about you and makes life generally horrible for your family.

You have to look at this from your son's angle. What you see as bullying your son sees it as a girl that he wants to befriend even though she yells and is mean to him, he still has he reasons for wanting to play with her (you could ask him). You mentioned it yourself, that your son still tries to initiate play with her. Take the cues from your son, as long as he doesn't feel threatened or is not being physically abused or being taken advantage of by the girl just monitor his play time with her. Why not try to invite her over for a one on one outside play time with your son which you can monitor and if she responds "no" to the invitation you can ask her why she can't play with him at that particular time. Her response will clue you in as to how she really feels about your son and it can open the door to ask more questions. Good luck.
V.

Hi Nancy,
I totally understand what you are talking about! When I was growing up we moved around a lot due to the fact that my father was in the military. I was teased and excluded everywhere that I went to school because of many reasons, but I believe it made me a much better person because I learned not to treat people the way I was treated, I always stuck up for the underdog because I understood what they were going through. My parents ALWAYS told me to treat people like I'd like to be treated. By the time I hit middle school although I wasn't part of the "popular" crowd, I had plenty of friends because I'd learn how not to treat people.
My suggestion to you is teach you son by example. Tell him that the way the young lady is acting is not the way for him to act too. Teach him kindness in others.
At his age it is easier to protect him, but unfortunally as he grows older you will not be able to be there to stop other kids from picking on him or bulling him, but you can teach him how to treat other people in a respectful way.
As for the little girl and her mother, I would make sure your son stayed away from her. Let him play with the other kids in the neiborhood that are closer to his age. Don't try to talk to her mother because as you know it will get you nowhere to begin with. Unfortunally anything you say to the little girl will also do no good because she already knows that her mother thinks she can do no wrong.
You can teach your son to be a caring upstanding young man just by example.
Lots of luck!
D. G