Brothers Can Not Be Nice to Each Other

I'd suggest keeping them away from each other. Don't let them talk or play together. Maybe they'll realize how much they really mean to each other.

S.,
First it sounds like the hitting needs to stop. They are both old enough to sit them both down and talk to them. So the next time one of them hit the other you need to sit them down together and talk to them. Ask each one the same questions, give them both time to answer. If one interrupts, tell that one to stay quiet and that he will get his turn to talk. Ask them why they feel the need to hit each other? Then ask them how they would feel if every time you got angry with them you spanked them? Same goes for the bossiness ask why they think it's okay to boss each other around, and would they like it if you canstantly bossed them around then when they didn't do what you said right away got angry and spanked them. I do not believe in spankings by the way, that just tells a kid it's okay to hit. All you are doing with a talk is trying to get them to understand. Then you need to lay down the law. Time out is a wonderful thing and time outs don't hurt them and the time on a time out can be unlimited depending on how the child wants it. Tell them both after the talk that you are tired of the argueing. From now on any time they feel the need to fight, they BOTH get to sit in a corner. They can sit in the same room but different corners so you can keep a better eye on them. Give them some where to sit, a blanket a chair, a pillow, or whatever. First time make it 5 minutes. If they talk or move around to much you will add another 5 minutes. And do so. My kids went as far as 2 hours in their corners. And I always used a egg timer so when they finally were done the time would ding and not only they knew time was up but you know to. But they can not get out of the corner until you say they can get out of the corner. If they fight with you on the whole corner thing, take away their toys, not just one or two , I mean all their toys. Pick them up and put them in a closet or garage. First time for the rest of the day, and when they start behaving you can let them pick one toy they can have back per each day they are good. They will learn that if they are good all day they get one toy back at night. Eventually getting all their toys back but if they act up the next day that same toy they got back last night gets taken away again. And putting them both in their corners will show them you don't care who started it, you will not tolorate their bad behavior towards each other any more. I know it seems harsh, but if you sound as tired and scared as I did it may be your only non violent option.
Good Luck
E.

I recommend you put both of them in some kind of martial arts class. Call and enroll them this week! My girls learn "tae kwon do," but I've heard that "aikido" is especially good for boys. The physical activity, combined with the lessons in discipline, respect, self esteem, and a proper understanding of when to use physical force against another person (i.e. for defense only) should be just what they need right now. Along with this, the "Love and Logic" is a good suggestion as well.

Hi Stacey,
This is tough I know. My two 2 stepsons were 4 and 7 when I first met them, I told my husband it was more like being a referee than a parent because of the way they fought. I'm sure you have heard of tough love, it works but it requires complete follow through on your part.

When you make a punishment make sure it is one you can live by also. If you say 'you can't go to a friends house for a month', chances are your kids know that isn't going to happen and ignore you. Have the consequences be ones they have to follow through with and you can follow through with. I find house hold work is good. 'You are doing dishes for the rest of the day or the week, or your cleaning the cat pan and folding clothes for the week'. Chores they normally don't have to do and you are there to monitor and take effect immediately in response to the offense.

I found there was a no tolerance way of handling things. Granted accidents happen and games get out of hand occasionally but if there is any violence from one brother to the other there is no warning to 'stop or next time your in trouble', all that means is they have gotten away with it one more time. For me it was immediate, you hit, there is a consequence, right now.

Also reward the days there is no violence. Go out for icecream or get to watch tv on a school night if the behavior was good that day. Make it a weekly reward, go all week with out fighting get to go to a movie on Sat. or camping for the weekend or whatever it is they really like as a positive reward. I find activities are better than toys as a reward. Toys or physical gifts have a short term enjoyment and get set aside, an activity becomes a positive memory, I think kids start to respond to wanting more of those activities with the family as a whole, also helps change the entire family dynamic to positive behavior instead of reactionary all the time.

The most important thing again is the follow through on your part, every time you don't follow through you make it more difficult the next time. Your consistency is crucial. If you are married then you and your husband need to be on the same page, talk and agree on punishments before they happen so you don't undermine each other, kids catch on to that very rapidly. Also have the positive reward known ahead of time. 'Ok guys, no fighting this week then this weekend what would you want to do?' Come to an agreement at the beginning of the week so they have a goal to look forward to. If they mess up then don't give in and do the reward on the weekend anyway, you undermine your own authority if you do that. If you follow through every time you will be amazed at how quickly things can change. Be thoughtful to the punishments and rewards, make them age appropriate and make sure the punishment fits the offense.
Good luck and follow through, it is the best way.
SarahMM

When my boys ages 12 and 9 cannot be nice to each other I don't allow them to spend time with each other. This usually corrects the problem because they start to miss being with each other.

S.,

Two years ago I had a wonderful opportunity to play "super nanny" for a week to a blended family with six children, two from each of the first marriages and two that shared the same parents.

The most interesting challenge came from the two 6-year-old boys. They were used to getting each other in trouble so that the parents would take sides.

They were surprised when they would come to me with a complaint and I would simply ask "Are you bleeding?"
They quickly realized that their small fights was something between the two of them. On two occasions it got big enough that I did step in. They were removed from each other and got to assist me with household chores until they decided that being together was more fun.

One thing that I did at the very beginning was stress to all the children that having love in the home was the top priority for me. This helped to set the context of the home.
I made it a point to be in a loving space while I was there.
It was amazing for me to see children that their parents had said were "uncontrolable" be so cooperative and kind to each other and to me. The biggest "control" we have is LOVE.

I invite you to stop "punishing your children" for misbehaving and start rewarding them with LOVE.
You might be amazed by the shift you see.

With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

What is loving Connections?
Caring enough to share your whole heart.

Try immediate consequences.... time out in the corner, RIGHT NOW, for any hitting. ZERO tolerance, doesn't matter who hit first, any offender gets in the corner or on a time out chair. Yes, 10 and 8 may seem too old for this, and they will probably tell you they are too old. Remind them that big kids use words to solve disputes and as long as they act like little kids you're going to treat them like little kids.
Sit down with each by himself and talkk about why hitting isn't okay and help him work out positive ways to deal with conflicts. Teach them to use I-messages. Talk to them about bullying and point out that when they hit/push/fight like they have been, they are being a bully (yes, the younger one could be bullying older brother).
Praise them every time they use their words instead of fighting. Intervene when you sense things starting to heat up, and help them talk about it. Once they realize that hitting = instant time out they will start looking for other ways to resolve issues.

S.,
I could not tell if it is ONLY the older boy that starts these fights, or if the younger one starts them as well. Your letter makes it sound as if the older boy is the one who starts them. I realize that the younger guy also fights back, BUT in no way should your older son be telling him what to do, and "punishing" him if he does not do it. You need to make it VERY clear that only you or his father have the right to expect the younger one to do as told.....or babysitter etc. The older son should not be allowed to boss the younger one. You need to make it clear that IF he is having a problem with the young son, he is to talk to you, and you will need to decide if an action is needed. That goes for the younger son as well. If I had a sibling that was punching me, I would fight back. I know it is not always easy to know what started the fight, and unless you know the facts, it is hard to know who started what first. I had a daughter who was VERY good at telling on her other siblings, and many times I thought she was telling me the truth.....BUT NO! I found out later, after my children were grow, that I punished the wrong child!!! If I didn't know who was telling the truth, I punished them all. That cause them to develope some VERY bad feelings towards each other, that are still causing problems. They are all trying to became better friends, but those angry feeling still come to the surface. I really do not know what will help to stop the fighting, but I do know the older one needs to stop bossing the younger one. Good luck!

My sister in law has 2 boys as well - a 7 and 5 year old. When they fight, she makes them hug each other and say "I love you" to each other. It embarrasses them enough that they immediately stop fighting and don't actually want to be in the room together anymore! Maybe it would be worth a shot?

Good luck!

Hi S., Sorry to hear about your problem with your boys I had almost the complete same problem. I did all the things you did and right now I'm trying a new approach I make them sit right next to each other on the couch and hold hands and tell each other 5 positive things about the other one and then after the time is up they give each other a hug, shake hands and tell each other they love each other. They will resist for awhile but just try to stick with it. For us it's working. The only thing about it is you have to be right there while they are sitting together.

You have been given some good advice.
I had a few thoughts to add. We have helped our 10 year old to be able to feel emotions without reacting physically. It took some time and the whole family was involved at times. I had to look at my own behavior, as well. He is sooo much better now and we are all better for the learning we went through together.
Love and Logic can work, but may not be immediate. It sounds like you are uncomfortable with the level violent behavior.
Go get support, NOW. Talk to a counselor at school and get recommendations of local therapists. Having adult support, even if it is online, were you can share experiences is important.
Many therapists offer family time and play therapy. Many also offer sliding scale fees,(if you need it). The whole picture of the boys life is important. Do your boys observe others using bullying and physical means to get what they want? Do they hear from the adults in their life that physical means are NEVER the way to get what they feel they should have?
Have you encouraged your older boy to talk to you(with out you interjecting as he talks!) about how he feels when he bosses his brother around? Does he feel he deserves to be able to do this by being the older? How does he feel when others do that to him?
Lastly, when someone is hurt, by an others behavior, it is like hammering a nail in a board. An apology takes the "nail" out of the hole. What repairs the hole left behind? The boys can think of how to "right their wrongs", with your help,possibly.

I hope one or two suggestions felt good for you. Good Luck on this journey.
-Hoping for smoother days for y'all, A.

make them sing church songs until they truly are sorry

Losing priveledges is sometimes better than taking things away. I would start giving them home responsibilities like chores so they have less time to pick at each other. That Super nanny has some great ideas on this issue too. Not sure if she has a website but I remember a show not long ago where she solved that problem in a house hold. Course I think she used a time out.. Yes even on a 10 and 8 year old. Here is her link: http://abc.go.com/primetime/supernanny/index?pn=index

She is great and has some really good tips.

C.
www.AHomeCareer.com

I have a 3 week old and a 18 month old (both boys) so I'm not there yet, but for us, any sort of physical violence is OUT. I recomment two books to you "Love and Logic with Kids" by Jim Fay and Boundaries with Kids by Steven Arteburn (sp?) There are also Love and Logic seminars here in Denver. Good luck!

When my kids fight, I send one or more of them to pick up X number of things in their room. or to do a specific task for me. It's not a punishment. I don't let them tell me sides or what happened. I just "suddenly remembered" that I need X done.

It separates them...and every time they fight, they get something done for me...which...if it doesn't deter, atleast it keeps my stress level from skyrocketing.

Have you hear of love and logic? It is a great parenting approach, they have seminars and books etc. You can get the books from your local library! Their big tennant on this issue is STAY OUT OF IT! I know this is hard, I have two boys too, the older one loves to torment the younger one. But I have to tell you this works, leave the room ( or house even, just go outside and water your plants or whatever if you have too!). They are doing it partly for power( older over younger etc) and for your attention. Don't punish them for this behavior, it won't help, in fact it may make things worse because it builds up resentment even more. This is so common, I have alot of friends who I think are wonderful parents and their kids fight too! Even my friend with a fifteen year old daughter and 9 year old son! So try the love and logic, it takes a while to implement and it does work! Good luck to you, you are not alone!

Try finding something they are both interested in away from home and have them challenge each other to participate and be together without fighting.
I explain all the time to my children, it is okay to be mad at your brother or sister, IT IS NEVER OKAY TO PHYSICALLY TOUCH SOMEONE! SO lay down the law. The second your 10 year old hits or anything like that, done, no computer for the week or another big thing that will hit home.
Put up a chart if you have to. Make sure they do chores around the house and are part of the family unit.
Give them a chore to do together that forces them to be a team to get it done.
If you have to, have someone talk to them about violent behavior, a local police station, therapist, school counselor or whatever. Explaining to them they are far too old to communicate with fists and need to figure out what words they need to use.
Both of my children at 4 and 7 fight, but they are figuring out asking nicely, using manners and respect to each other gets them the end result.
I would just let them know from now on, all fun activites are to be earned, not given and if they hit, push, yell or anything ugly to each other they are losing priviledges.
Talk to them the right way to speak to each other.
I always tell my oldest, she is her brother example of how to treat others, that if she wants positive out of him then she needs to be the example of how that works. Put it back on the 10 year old that he isn't the boss, but he can be a positive influence if he actually steps up and stops acting like a baby in hitting!!!!
Kids fight, boys especially, but now you need to lay the law down for unacceptable behavior.