Nephew and Son Constantly Fighting

I do to my kids what Erin's mom did to her and her sister, but the last time I suggested that I got told I was abusive, so be carefull, and the only time I have done it is when time-outs and taking things away doesn't work. The 13 year old can have a time out, it doesn't have to be a corner or naughty spot, but a place in the house that is boring, and the same for the 6 year old, if he won't stay keep putting him back until he stays the full 6 minutes, it WILL be a lot of work in the beginning but if you really want it to stop you will have to stay with it. One other thing that I have done, I have 7 and I know there is no one solution, is to make them clean the walls, I say "If you are so bored that all you can find to do togather is fight then here are some walls I need cleaned" I hand them a couple of wet wash clothes and set them to work, I don't know a kid who would rather fight and clean walls. Good luck!

My sister and I were like that. My mother finally tied us together. We had to do everything together. We had to take each other to the bathroom, gross, and lots of other things. It didn't take long before we got along, but then we were girls and not boys. The punishment should fit the crime. You say your 13yr old has a younger maturity level. That being the case, he isn't too old for timeouts. Are you allowed to discipline your nephew? I know some parents would flip out if the caregiver disciplined. Set up a point-based reward system. Sit down with the kids and determine the possible rewards and how many points they will need to get. Then tell them that they have to work together to get them. If one of them acts up, neither of them gets points for the day. If they both behave, they both get points.

Good Luck

Wow! do you HAVE to take care of them? I would try to find them another situation, if possible. If not, try putting them on a bench together and tell them they can't get up until they settle their argument. This puts the burden on them to fix the situation. But, if I could i would get out of it altogether!

this may be your daughters kids but this is your house and they are with you more than her. my kiddos are 14, 10 ,6, 3 and they all still get a time out. the thing is that the 14 year old is more humiliated than anything but she has to stand int he corner once in a while. as for your nephew consistancy is the best way to handle him. set the rules write them on a chart and include what the consequences will be. if that is time out then great. pick a specific spot. and when he is asked to go there put him physically there and walk away and if he gets off then with a stern voice say time out and nothing else. putting him back this may go on for a while but he willtest you only until he knows he wont win. so be ready for a battle and time to put him back on several times and each time the time starts over again. otherwise your two year old willpick this lovely habbit up. you are doing her a favor by watching these kids and even though you love them it is ok to sometimes not like them. good luck and stay strong!!

Why do you think your son is too young for timeouts??? Send him to his room. You might not call it a timeout --- but it is. I'm with your sister. Unless your son has something serious like downs syndrome --- he's older and knows better. Don't make excuses for him because he has learning disabilities. On that same note, your nephew is old enough to know better as well. He needs a timeout place as well. You need to be firm & assertive. Also, I suspect part of the problem is the video games. The kids are probably bored. They need some structured activities. This is your job. Get the kids outside doing physical activities. When inside, have them play board games or do crafts or something. Minimize the amount of time spent with video games or watching tv. Use the video games/tv as a reward at the end of the day. If they don't fight during the day, they earn tv/video game time. Create a rewards system. Each kid has a jar with marbles (or whatever filler you choose). When they have negative behavior, take a marble away. When they have positive behavior, add a marble. Set a goal for # of marbles in the jar at the end of the day. The kids who meet the goals get to watch tv/play video games. The kids who don't meet the goal miss out on the reward. At the end of the week have a super reward that you and the kids agree on. If they meet the goal, they get the reward. Have a mega reward fr the end of the month. And an extaordinary reward for the end of the summer. Kids don't magically know how to entertain themselves or interact with one another. It's your job to teach them and set an example. I am a teacher and a mom. My sons (1 & 5) have been fighting this summer as well. I find it is directly related to my behavior. When I keep them busy with activities --- they don't fight. When I'm on the computer doing what I'm doing now (for example), they're watching tv, and a fight soon breaks out. So, I'm not perfect. And my kids fight, too. If it's really driving you crazy --- it's worth the time spent organizing activities. For example, soccer, library, board games, water balloon fights, hikes, park, picnics, swimming pool, biking, skateboarding, golf, frisbee, sidewalk chalk, bubbles, tennis, baseball, etc. Also, have them wash your car, help clean the house, help take care of the yard, etc.

I like the idea of tying them together, I've done that to my kids - use a bandana so it doesn't hurt, but gets the point across. With my boys I've also "grounded them from each other." They were not allowed to be in the same room. All day. This included outside. It was a pain for me the first hour or so, but I'd just say, "no! You can't be together!" It became a kind of game for them to figure out how to have fun in different rooms. Pretty soon, they wanted to get along because they missed each other. It's worth a try!

I'm not sure if you have to watch your neice and newphew, but maybe it's not the best situation for you and your son. It is obviously causing you and your son a lot of grief, and your son should come before your neice and nephew.

make them do chores on opposite sides of the house. give rewards for a whole day of not fighting. interact and play with them so there's more than just two playing

Oh, your title sounded like us last winter! We were staying with my mom, and my sister's family lives in a downstairs apartment in the same house. My nephew is 7, my sons 4 and 18 months.
The first thing my nephew did when he'd see the 4 year old is hit him. After a few times, my son started hitting back. Then they got all competitive (who's taller, who's stronger, etc) even though there's no way a 4 year old could compete with a 7 year old! It was so stupid, but the emotions ran very high for both of them.
Then there was the 18 month old. My nephew would constantly pick him up and treat him like a baby. We even caught him picking him up and dropping him on the floor! And we all saw him stick his foot out and trip boy of my sons. Then when we were outraged at his behavior, he'd run off and pout.
It was tough, to say the least. I still don't know what was going on with my nephew, but we had to do a lot of educating on both sides of the issue.
We had to teach the 7 yr old how to play with a 4 year old, and how to treat a 1 1/2 year old. We had to give him specific activities to do together that they would both enjoy. We couldn't leave it to the kids to come up with age-appropriate activities on their own.
We also had to teach my kids what to do and say when the 7 year old approached. Like don't hit each other as a "greeting." And to tell him if they didn't like something he was doing.
And when they did do some things together, like run as fast as they could, we had to teach them to stop boasting and bragging about who was the fastest, because that's a ridiculous comparison given their ages. So when the 7 year old would say, "why do you run so slow? You're a baby." and things like that, feelings would get hurt. I taught my son to say, "I'm not a baby, but I'm only 4, and I'm getting faster every day."
I'm no expert, and we never felt like there was a clear answer on how to get them to play together better. We just did our best and gave them some common ground. They really did get to be decently good friends before we left (5 months). And now my son draws pictures for and wants to call his cousin on the phone.
Hang in there and don't be afraid to work with your nephew. You aren't his mom, but when he stays with you all day every day, you can't afford to let it slide. Teach them both appropriate behaviors and find things that they enjoy doing together. And the rest of the time, find them things to do on their own, preferably where they can't even see or hear each other!

Hi- As a special ed teacher, I think you need to talk to your sister about how to discipline her son for the things he does to add to the situation. I also think that kids their stage of development cannot necessarily play together unsupervised or unfacilitated. Try problem solving with your sister and if you cannot get her buy-in or help, it may be time to stop watching your neice and nephew since it is not working for anyone.

If your son is emotionally/socially younger and you feel he is on equal footing with your nephew, he is also young enough for time outs. It's going to be tricky, though. It sounds like they both have learned how to avoid consequences. Keep a close eye on the two of them, and intervene at the FIRST sign of trouble. The offender goes in to time out immediately, even if you have to hold the door closed at let him scream. If the other boy sees smug or gloats about it, he also gets time out. Same thing if they are both fighting - doesn't matter who started it, the kids who are involved get time out. They key is that they have to see you have ZERO tolerance for the fighting, teasing, and picking on of any kind, and that you are going to stick to your guns. And you must stay calm about the whole thing. Be warned, things will probably get worse before they get better, but after a few weeks, they should get the picture. Maybe faster :)
You may want to find other arrangements for your neice and nephew if it is too much stress.

I agree with previous postings that state that there should be consistent, equal punishment for both of the boys. If time-outs are what work, then use those, otherwise take things away without fear, video games, toys, "special" activities: they may pout but you are the adult and you set the rules. You CAN enforce with your nephew, but something that's important is that your sister needs to support you in that. While your nephew may be a generally great kid, he's not perfect, he's a 6 year old, and he will do things to test you and at times misbehave (hitting is NOT acceptable) and you must be equipped to deal with that. Put your foot down with your sister and let her know that you will indeed deal with your son, but that you are helping her, and you must be allowed to deal with hers as well. Either she helps you and lets her son knows that it's the two of you together, so that he cannot just go home and play his mom like a violin, or she can find childcare elsewhere. That may sound harsh, but this sounds like a very stressful situation and it's not unfair at all for you to take that kind of a stand. It's unfair for you to have to deal with this with no support and constant stress.