My sister's husband committed suicide in front of her Memorial Weekend. The marriage was really bad for a long time (years) and my sister was very lonely. She found out that her husband was cheating and she begged him to stop and work out the marriage. She went as far as confronting some of the women, counseling, showing up to take him to lunch, anything she could think of to save her 20 year marriage. He was an attorney and kept saying he did not want a divorce but just wanted to be friends and she knew the marriage was over if she didn't do something. The kids knew about everything because he told them (14 - 16 yrs old). Since his passing we have found out he was into so many other things than cheating and I suspect we will probably never know all of it.
So now here we are today. My sister has no closure. She is all over the place. We grew up with her husband and one of his best friends as a kid is now a constant and they are seeing each other. He is very nice and he treats her well. One of the kids really likes him and the other could care less. My sister travels a lot for work so the kids are staying with me or going to stay with friends and just not a stable situation. The kids & my sister have been to counseling one time, however she told me they were going every week. This information came from her children. My sister feels like everyone is judging her because of her new relationship, expecially me. We have always been very close. Not just sisters but rocks for each other. I am not upset with her for seeing somebody else. I want her to be happy and in a healthy relationship with somebody who cherishes her and the kids. I am concerned that it is too soon and she just lost her husband and the new boyfriend just came out of a very long relationship. I don't want to see my sister or the kids hurt anymore than they already are. She is not talking to me and not telling me the entire truth. She left me in charge of her children while she is traveling for work, however they have been staying with friends. Last night I had to go and pick up the 14 year old because he was having nightmares and / or not able to sleep at all. When I got there he just latched onto me like he had been saved. I could tell he was so tired. The parents talked to me and they were very worried due to his distant behavoir. Please do not mis-read this, my sister is a wonderful mother and her kids are her entire world. I did not talk to him about it last night because he was so tired. I gave him a melatonine (all natural) just to make sure he slept. I re assured him that I was there and if he needed me I would race to him. I checked on him and my own child through the night and both slept really good.
So I know I need to talk to my sister and I know she is not ok or thinking straight. How do I approach this? I love my sister so much and I really want to help her and the kids but I just don't know what else to do. Everytime I try to talk to her the boyfriend is there and comes in and offers his opinions. She just quits listening and tells me they are all ok and I can see they are not. Do I just let her fall and be on stand by? She has not even looked at her bills and I'm worried she could lose her home even though the boyfriend says he won't let that happen. I am so scared for her and for the kids. Before her leaving to go out of town, I really tried to take a step back and give her some space but I don't know if that was a mistake or not. I just don't know what to do other than to let time pass and just pray that all will be ok. My other siblins think I just need to let her fall but is that really the right thing to do to our family? I don't know how to deal with this. This is all new to me and I'm lost.
I really want to thank each and every one of you for all of your kind words and wisdom. Lots of things on here I needed to hear. I will never abandon my sister or her children but I do agree that I need to take that step back. I do like her BF and from what I have seen he is good to her and the kids. I have really financially helped her all I can. I paid for the funeral and caught up some bills for her. I can't do anymore on that end. There is no life insurance so it is up to her to pull her finances together. We did set up a go fund me and also scholarship for the kids with donations so hopefully that will help her. If she wants my help organizing I have told her I would but I'm not going to push that any further. She is a grown woman and I can see why she thinks I'm judging her but truly I just don't want to see her get hurt. It really sucks that we can't put our loved ones in a bubble and keep them safe from all of the horrors in the world. She will be out of the country another week and she told me to just let the kids stay with friends and they will call me if they need me. I do think I have a right to know though who they are staying with and the names and numbers of those parents since she has asked me to be responsible for her children.
I don't blame her for moving on because she has been so miserable for so long and I know that she needs to hear all of those wonderful things right now. She needs to know what a wonderful and extraordinary person she really is. Counseling has been set up for no charge she just has to go and take the kids. I get that I can't do that for her even though I want to. It is really hard to step back but I agree that I need to do just that and if she needs me be there. Thanks to all of you for the prayers. I just want to help her so much and make it all better.
UPDATE: Everyone on here was so kind and helpful that I wanted to give you all an update. My sister and the kids are now in counseling and have been going for a little over a month and have not missed one session. The kids really gave my sister a hard time at first but now they are both glad that they are there. I would never ask them what goes on in counseling because that is the safe place but it appears that it is helping and they are more than willing to go. As for my sister, it is bringing out a lot of her feelings to the table and she has good and bad days but she keeps telling me that everyday is getting a little easier. She is still seeing the same guy and he really makes her happy. The kids have not completely warmed up to him but that will take time. She is still traveling for her job and leaving me in charge of the kids, however we have come to an understanding that I do need to know where they are and who they are with if I'm going to be responsible for them. It is working out much better this way. Financially I'm not sure about but she has not asked for any help so hopefully all is well there. We have planned a family trip for just me and my sister and our two boys. We are all super excited about getting away and just having some fun. My sister and I are back on track and yes I am keeping my opinions to myself unless she asks for them. She is still grieving so hard for her husband and I think her biggest struggle is feeling like he never loved her. The thing is though that if he didn't for whatever reason he was really missing out because he had such an awesome family. The family is still awesome and they are not allowing this to define them. Just baby steps right now. I am so proud of all of them and I will continue to support them everyday. Thanks to all of you for your kind words and help. When I originally wrote this I was feeling so helpless. It really helped to put it out there. God Bless to all of you
I'm sorry.
She is in denial. Such denial that she is pushing aside her responsibilities and neglecting the emotional needs of her children.
So sad.
Maybe a therapist could suggest ways that you could help her?
Best of luck!
I'm so sorry for all. My husband's brother committed suicide - he was very troubled in many ways, and did a lot of self-destructive things before the suicide, and he did a lot to damage the relationship. He took his life in such a way that his wife and young son found him. A neighbor's twin brother committed suicide but did it in a way that the police found him and not the family. And a friend's teen son took his life, and his teen sister found him - she's still not okay.
Let me suggest very gently that you are trying too hard. Your sister is not ready of this, and she is putting up walls to ward off what she perceives as your judgment of her relationship. Here's what might help for you to know: her marriage was over a very long time ago. She might have tried a zillion things, but she was trying to right a sinking ship. She has been alone, emotionally and maritally, for years. Your BIL also told his children, so that put up walls there too, or at least shook their foundation.
Maybe this relationship with her BF is not a good thing. But right now, she has a rock, and the kids have a male who at least appears stable. Maybe it reassures her that a man finds her valuable and attractive, maybe it lets the man feel needed after coming out of a bad relationship. You have to allow this relationship to happen/progress/fail without deciding it's "too soon". It might be, but it's just not your call. And you are driving her away from you because she absolutely does not want any criticism or outside decisions about what counts as "too soon."
Please go easy on things like melatonin - yes, it's "all natural" but so are belladonna, snake venom, toadstools and poison ivy. And you don't know where it's made. Moreover, your sister might think you are taking over too much and being the mom she can't be while she is away.
Please join a suicide support group right now, to learn what helps and what doesn't. There are ways to tell people they need help, and a zillion ways to say it badly.
Start by making meals and doing some child care while she is away. That's non-threatening. You can notify the children's pediatricians that this death has occurred and you are concerned - understand that the doctor cannot talk to you but can listen (or read a letter) about your concerns. Do not tell your sister that you have done this, and the doctor won't either. At the kids' next check up for back-to-school, the doctor can be alert to signs of stress and trauma and PTSD.
There is a free program called Mint that helps you enter in all the bills and their due dates (go to mint.com). You could ask your sister if it would help her for you to enter things in just to organize them for reminders and payment due dates - not to pay them or imply that she cannot, but to do some basic administrative work. She may not want this because it may invade her privacy, but perhaps she will allow a little organization.
While I'm not recommending that people ignore their bills, please understand that it takes a very long time for the bank to foreclose on a house and toss you out. What you might do is ask her if you can help by getting the copies of the death certificate and doing some paperwork re life insurance, annuities, pensions, funeral costs, and other things that may be extremely painful for her. It might also help if one of the other siblings stepped up because she's already kind of ticked off at you.
But I think the most important thing for you to do is to learn more about how different people deal with suicide, and how they deal with the resulting trauma. It comes in waves, in stages, and what she did in the immediate few days vs. now vs. 3 months from now vs. 2 years from now may be very different.
Everyone's grief is different. I would focus on things like getting her and the kids to go back to counseling, and suggesting she find a support group for widows like her. You say she witnessed him dying, and that's traumatic no matter what you feel about the person. At 17 and 14 the kids can also seek out resources, like the school counselor. I would encourage them to call you anytime, and if it would be better for them to stay with you than friends, I would offer it. Even if she chooses not to go to anything, I would tell her that the kids are not "fine" and please at least take them so they get the support they need after losing their father.
You can't fix things like her bills. I'd stay out of her finances at this time. Your siblings have a point in not being a bandaid financially.
I also think that she tried really hard to save a failure of a marriage and may feel very protective of her outward personna. Things have to be okay has been her mantra for years. This may be more of the same. I would tell her simply, "It is OK to not be OK." Every time something else comes out about her late husband she may feel more and more embarrassed or guilty about it. It has not been that long. Give her time. Sometimes a simple statement they can chew on is better than a long talk where you try to sway them to your POV.
The kids have been through a lot. Let them have their own feelings about her BF. Everyone is different.
I also agree that you cannot put your own feelings on hers. What YOU would do is different, as you are not her and you are not in a messed up, horrible relationship. She may feel some relief (as someone else stated) whereas you would be devastated if your own spouse passed. Apples and oranges.
You need grief counseling as much as the kids do.
Your sister may have done a lot of her mourning while her husband was still alive (like relatives of a long term terminal patient) - and now she's in a different stage where she's just glad to be over with what sounds like a VERY difficult marriage.
You ARE judging her - "it's too soon", "she needs help", etc - your thoughts are echoing YOUR grief - not HERS - and there is no time table on grief and there is no right or wrong way to get through it.
I suspect your sister is not falling - she's dropped a huge weight of trouble - she's soaring - and finding a new equilibrium.
Let her be and get some help for yourself and maybe for the kids too (with your sisters permission).
The one thing I thought of when I read this (other than what a terrible thing for everyone involved), was I think the marriage was over a long time ago for your sister and that might be why she can move on so quickly. I could be wrong, but if she had given up in her heart (and who can blame her) along time ago, it doesn't feel "too soon" to her. In fact, it probably feels like forever.
You are doing your very best to help in whatever way you can - however, I think that you are doing to smart thing to start limiting it to moral support for your sister and letting her kids know that they can go to you for anything. Staying in touch with the kids is really the key - that alone will show your sister she can come to you herself when she needs to.
Good luck.
That's a really sad situation and very complex. I hear you. I am not sure I would know what to do either.
I find I just ask "Is there anything I can do?" and leave it in their hands to tell you. When we butt in trying to help (well intentioned) and someone is not in a place to accept (or hear) it - it doesn't usually go over well. As you've noticed.
As for the kids, just mention that her son didn't sleep well. From her reaction maybe bring up counselling .. but ultimately that's all you can do.
As for her new relationship .. some people do that - latch on to someone very quickly. I've seen it a lot. Give it time. And don't comment. It's usually a coping method. Maybe not the best, but she's probably deriving comfort from it.
Sounds to me like you're being a great sister and terrific aunt. Just continue what you're doing - be there for her, but don't push it, and help out with the kids if you feel that's something you can/want to do. That's actually a huge help to her - for her to know they are cared and loved for while she works and travels.
See how things are in a month and go from there.
Good luck :)
Perhaps you should seek some counseling on how to cope with the loss of a family member.
Your sister could be in denial of what happened to the husband. She has been trying for years ":to save" the marriage that could not be saved. She could be embarrassed by her husband's actions. The new man may be a knight in shining armor that she is latching on to for a feeling of being worthy.
Be there for her and let her live her life. It may not be pretty but it is her life and you cannot control her.
You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
the other S.
I didn't read all of this, but my heart hurts for your sister so bad.
My brother committed suicide March 20, 2013. It's still hard, I imagine it always will be. The only thing I ever want from people is an ear or a hug, I don't want to hear anything else. I certainly wouldn't want to be judged for how I handled his death. There were times of sheer anger, complete sadness, extreme guilt, and so many more.
Your sister is dealing with this how she sees fit, it certainly may not be how anyone else expects her to, but however she does, it's on her. Just be there to love her and be supportive of her choices - even if you don't agree. If she falls flat on her face, that's what will happen. I can't even imagine if my husband were to do that how I would cope. I seriously think paying bills would be the last thing on my mind...and I'd hope and pray my family was there to keep my life together until I figured out how to get past it...but she definitely needs counseling. And lots of love and support.
I am very sorry for the horror your sister and her children have gone through and for you, seeing your sister in this state and your nephews hurting so much.
Give your sister some space, but be there for her when she needs you. At some point, you should tell her what you told us here, that you love her and are concerned for her and the children. Encourage her to continue with counseling.
Be there for those children. You are the one stable thing they have. Love them. Tell them you are always there for them, no matter what. Listen to them or just hold them when they need it. Yes, you should know the names and numbers of their friends' parents and where they are. They are still minor children. They need stability and they need to know that someone cares where they are.
As for your sister's finances, you've expressed your concern, but she doesn't seem to be addressing pressing needs. Offer your help to go through and sort out the finances, calling creditors, etc. but do not give her money. Feed the kids, take them places with you, but do not take on her financial responsibilities.
Healing from suicide takes time. Your sister is an adult and in charge of her own decisions about how she handles her own grief. The biggest concern here is for those children and their emotional needs. This time of grief and great emotional need can affect them for a very long time, a lifetime, if not addressed properly. Please continue to be there for them and encourage your sister to keep them in therapy.
Sending thoughts of strength and healing for all of you.
J. F.
i'm so sorry. my BIL committed suicide a few years ago (on his daughter's birthday, no less) and it's been a nightmare. my parents in law have never recovered. i'm not sure how his wife and youngest daughter are doing, as she has cut off all contact with us. it was shattering.
i commend your sister for going to counseling, and having her kids in counseling.
it's hard NOT to judge someone for jumping quickly into new relationships after a tragedy (got my own issues with that one) but the simple fact is, everyone grieves on their own timeline, and the fact that she's seeing her husband's best friend doesn't mean that she's not continuing to grieve her terrible loss. and in her case, she's grieving not just the terrible suicide, but all the shitty things that he did to her before he committed that awful act. one can understand her desire to latch onto a bit of happiness where she can.
i don't think the 14 year old's difficulties can be laid in the lap of the new relationship. his dad's death is still very fresh and raw. i don't think there's any way to avoid scars, and i'm just so very, very glad for all of them that they have you and the rest of your loving, supportive family.
the hard thing to do is to realize that you can't impose your observations or opinions on her, even when they're perfectly logical (not paying attention to her bills is troubling indeed.) you really do need to stick to your decision to take a step back. it's one thing to be there for someone who is asking for your help and advice, but you can't force it. it's the hardest thing in the world to watch a downward spiral. i'm a horrified spectator right now to a family member systematically ruining his life. but you can't save someone who isn't looking for a lifeline. just love her, be there for the kids when you can, and try not to make it your problem. you're already doing everything you can, and you're doing it really well.
khairete
S.
I am going to suggest that you talk to a therapist who specializes in suicide. Perhaps a therapist can help you find ways to talk to your sister and get her to at least help the kids (they need to be in individual counselling). My heart breaks for them.
Your sister is not ready for your help, but it sounds like the children need it. See if she would be okay with you transporting them to counseling once a week if she is unable to make it with them.
I'm so sorry for your sister & her kids.
I think counseling is definitely in order. For everyone! Not just one more
session but every other week for awhile. A lot has gone on: death of a
parent by awful & sad means for the kids & his committing suicide in front
of his wife for her.
Then I think she may want to slow down on the new relationship. However,
having said that.......her part in the relationship may have been dead a long time ago so for her this new relationship has been a long time coming. Especially if her husband had affairs & wasn't that good/kind to her. Sometimes when you're in a marriage like that....your love for that person dies but you stay in the relationship for whatever reason (for the kids, financial security etc.).
Be there for your sister.
Offer kindness, understanding, don't judge, help w/the kids etc.
Gently suggest she maybe look for another job so she's home w/ther kids more.
I definitely think counseling will benefit her and her kids. Esp the kids!!
Ask her if she needs your help to get organized w/her bills. All you can do
is suggest. If she says no, she's an adult. If she loses her home....that is unfortunately on her.
Pray. Offer help. Suggest she meet you for lunch for some fun downtime & to just chat. Don't pry. Don't preach. Just be there for her & offer gentle
help.
I'm sure she will be okay in time. In the meantime, all you can do is all you do: offer some help where you can. Your siblings are half right. You can't fixt it for her but you can offer her some help. We are all responsible for ourselves. We need to fix/run our own lives. Know that you can't fix this for her. She needs to do it herself but you can offer assistance & gently guide.
Don't push just suggest. Best wishes.
Sending prayers your way. What a heartbreaking story.
You say that the counseling is free and that the kids are with you a lot - what's to stop you from taking them? Might open up another can of worms but DANG they need it.
Good luck.
Sounds like there is more to the story then you know. I would question why the best friend is suddenly involved with your sister so soon after her husbands death. Seems fishy to me, but that is just my opinion.
The kids NEED counseling for dealing with a suicide. It is very different to lose a parent to a heart attack then to try and grasp why they took their own life.
I would be there 100% for the kids and take a step back from your sister. She is an adult and can make her own choices (good or bad), but it sounds like the kids really need someone stable in their lives right now.
