Friend's Sadness (Warning-Triggers Inside)

I can't imagine that grief.
All I can say is just be there for her and listen to her.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, what a very difficult situation for your friend, and I totally know what it's like to want to help, but not know what to do.

I would suggest telling your friend that you are there for her, & to ask what SHE needs. Everyone deals with grief different, & some people need to go through different stages. Giving her your understanding, & security in friendship, may be all she really needs - to know that she has someone to talk to as she continues to process these changes in her life.

Best of luck, & don't be afraid to reach out for help for yourself if you find it difficult to continue helping your friend without it affecting you. Boundaries may be necessary - but establishing them in such an emotionally charged situation may require guidance. T. :)

I am so sorry for your friend and for all of the losses she has had. It's tragic.

The best thing you can do is just be there for here in whatever capacity she needs, and those needs will likely change over time.

For now, bring meals, groceries, and household supplies like toilet paper, soap, etc. Things that any household needs but when the people are in the midst of grief are the last things they are thinking about.

Ask if she would like to talk. She may just cry, initially. Hold her, if that is what she needs, or just sit with her. It's really hard to be there in that way, with all of that raw grief, but it's truly what she may need.

Some days, she may just need quiet. If she has children, offer to take them out of the house, so she can have some private time.

Get her out of the house. Whether it's for a walk, a drive, lunch, later on (a couple of months down the road), some entertainment. Some days, she won't feel like it, and that's okay, but don't let her stay inside and isolate forever. I know this from personal experience. After I lost my first husband in a tragic accident, I had a tendency to isolate. My dear friends and family gave me space, but they got me out of the house. Sometimes I'd say no, but they would continue to ask. I knew they were there for me, and that made all the difference in the world.

At some point, ask if she would like to talk about her sister. It is a sad thing to lose someone and people stop talking about that person. They don't want to upset. But it is so sad to never hear your loved one's name, as if he/she never existed. This can be such a comfort and relief to the bereaved, to hear their loved one's name and to know that their special person is not forgotten.

Suicide also adds another level of complexity to the grief process. I would suggest you go to www.survivorsofsuicide.com and www.suicidology.org for ideas on ways to help your friend through this very difficult type of grief.

There is no one perfect thing or set of things you can say or do, so don't "not" do anything for fear of not doing it right. The worst thing in such horribly sad times like this is when everyone goes away. After the funeral, everyone else goes on with their lives, as it must be, but for the bereaved person, their world seems to stop. They need someone to help bridge that gap between the past, where their loved one lived and the present, where their loved one is absent.

Also, sometimes, when it's such an extremely painful and tragic loss like this, people disappear. They don't mean to. It's just very hard to be around such extreme grief. If you just keep in mind that you don't have to be perfect, you just have to be there, you will do a world of good for your friend.

Finally, do not feel like you have to be there all the time. That is not possible, nor realistic, and it is detrimental to your friend's healing. Living with grief and learning to live without the loved one requires many different sources of strength and support. You just have to be one of those parts. At some point, a well-established support group would be an excellent addition to her sources of strength and healing, and when you think she might be open to considering it, help her to find one in her area. This is not a discussion for now, but in the weeks to come.

Bless you for caring so deeply about your friend.

How absolutely awful for everyone.

I'd get yourself and hopefully your friend into a grief support group. This is something that should be handled by people with deep skills.

My husband's family had a lot of losses, including his brother's suicide. His cousin lost a twin pregnancy pretty far along, with one baby being still born. The second baby was born alive but died a few hours later. So the cousin had to fill out a birth certificate and a death certificate on the same day. So, what I'm saying is, there are no words. Professional help is really important.

I don't think there is anything you can do beyond being there for what she needs

what a massive pile of suck.
not sure what you CAN do other than be there, listen, talk if she needs it, be of practical aid where you can.
damn.
khairete
S.

offer offer offer.....to listen, to talk, giver her a hug, take her a meal, send flowers, send a card, good old fashion heart felt friendship.....I would do it all

My brother committed suicide, my mother developed dementia, my father died of a heart attack, I had 4 failed IVFs. When these events happened, there were certain people to whom I reached out immediately cause they were great, supportive friends who I knew knew me well enough to say and do the right things. With other people, even though I may have known them a long time, I didn't want to discuss my deepest feelings, I wanted those people to treat me as they always had...I was deeply friendly with them, but they were not deep friendships.

I think you have to ask yourself into which category you fall..and let your friend signal what she needs from you.

Just - "I'm sorry for your loss".
There's nothing more you can say.
You Don't know what she's going through - your best effort imagination can't compare with the level of tragedy this lady has had in her life.
Really - it would be beyond my ability to be able to handle this - it's way over my head - and I'd probably recommend she seek out a grief support group.

Sit with her, pray with her (if her beliefs are in line with that), have coffee with her. Be there for her. You do not need to provide "solutions", but it is very good to provide "support".

How very sad - so much loss and with children involved, so much concern over their well being also.

You sound like a very caring and loving friend.

I've been through some loss in my life and the best thing for me was just having people continue to be there for me. My best friend stuck by my side throughout. She's an incredibly social person but if I didn't feel like going out, she'd sit through an entire weekend with me, watching movies to keep my mind off things, etc.

I'd just be there for her - however she needs you. Nothing people said to me helped. Nothing people went out of their way to do for me really helped either. People just being there - available to me if I just needed closeness, did.

My friend has a mental health condition. She had to go on medication to keep her ok and she sees a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. When something happens to her that is very hard to deal with (a friend's death for example) she kind of spirals downwards into a pit of despair. It's crucial she reaches out at that time and connects with people who love her. I listen to her phone calls - where she just lets it all out. She expresses her sadness and grief differently than I do. She needs to actually physically release it all at once - so I just let her.

So I'd ask her what she needs. If she needs counseling, you could put her in touch with a group - just get a card with the details - without being pushy. You could go as well if necessary - to support her.

Having friends accept you're in a hard place - and may not be yourself for quite some time - is invaluable. That acceptance - that it's ok she's grieving. Just let her know you're there for her - but sounds like you already have. The odd reminder - a card, a call, a visit - just because :)

Can you offer to watch the kids while she goes to a grief support group or to a grief therapist?

This is so much for one person to handle. Listening and being supportive is good, but I suspect that in addition to your support, your friend needs someone with specific training in this area to really help her cope with everything that has happened.

OMG. I don't even know how to help, but I know she must need something. Suicide is horrible and I can tell you that 3.5 years after losing my brother that way, I'm no where near over it. Alcoholism is scary as hell and I'm not sure I won't lose another brother to that.

I honestly don't know how to help her. Just know she has my prayers and it is so kind of you to try to do something.

In the 13 months between my mom's funeral December 2011 and January 2013 I attended 7 funerals. Every time my cousin called I answered with 'now who died'.
The only thing you can do it let her talk, vent, scream whatever she needs to do. If you see her housework or her appearance is slipping or she's tends to live in her jammies all day step in. Offer to come over and help get the house in order or take her to get a new hairdo, nails done and then out to lunch. Sometimes the best thing you can do is keep her going; get her out for a walk or to the park or a movie whatever she enjoys.
Remember grieving is a process and can take a year or more and no matter what she will never be the same person she was. You have to let her know it's okay.