Bridezilla

I'd bow out immediately.
She actually told you she doesn't like you!? Let her know she needs to find someone she does like to be there for her.
Though I have a feeling she doesn't have ANY good friends, not with that kind of attitude!

Yikes! Bridezilla is right!
I'd be inclined to beg off, being that I would be unable to accommodate her stringent expectations.

I would tell her, I QUIT!

You can't do it.
She doesn't care what your life and hardships is.
Just don't do it.
And you are 3 hours away.
You CANNOT be at her beck and call.
She doesn't even want your baby there AND her Fiance doesn't want your baby or kids there either.
And you have 3 kids.
Your Husband has work hours.
It just is NOT doable.
Just quit.

And if she gets pissed at you, then too bad.
She is showing her true, character.
She even told you.... she does not like you.
Good grief.
She's worse than a Bridezilla.
And her Fiance seems just as worse.

And what the hell is their stinky attitude, about testing the invitees and whether or not they give out their personal private information and testing the invitees to see if they care or not about them?
Good grief.
That is just, sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dysfunctional.
They are both so toxic, and I wouldn't want to be at their beck and call.
Ever.

I think that if I were in your position, I would tell Bridezilla that I didn't think I was the right person for the Matron of Honor position, and that perhaps another of her friends would be willing to fill in. Then, just come for the wedding. It would be easier for you to find a sitter for your kids for Saturday (maybe your older ones could even go to sleep-overs at friends' houses to make things easier that morning). If you can manage the sleep-over thing for the older kids, then you'd just need to find a sitter for your baby - OR maybe you could bring the baby with you and find a sitter local to the wedding just for the time you'd be at the ceremony and reception. Then, no need to pump-and-dump.

But yeah, I would not go along with Bridezilla and her unreasonable list of demands. You have three children. Maybe Bridezilla and Groomzilla don't like children, but the fact remains that you have three of them, and can't leave them alone to fend for themselves all weekend! And, providing all that personal info to the groom in order to pass a security check? What the heck? I have to wonder if there isn't something else going on there. Is it possible the groom is involved in some kind of identity theft thing? It just seems weird that they are non-military and having their wedding on a military base, knowing the security logistics involved, and then insisting that guests provide this information to them. Wha...?

A lot going on here. I'll start with where you are a little wrong. Invitations are addressed to the invitees, period. They don't need to say "no kids" (and that would actually be tacky) because if the kids names aren't on the invitation, it means that they are not invited. There's nothing ambiguous or confusing about that. It's a bit not nice of them to not include your children, but as you said, that's their choice. It's also perfectly reasonable for her to expect you to be there for the rehearsal, and 5 PM on a Friday is a reasonable time for a rehearsal. A bit rude that she didn't invite your husband to the rehearsal dinner but again, that's their right. In committing to be her maid of honor, it's a reasonable expectation that you would arrange for childcare for your children so that you can fulfill your responsibilities as a member of the wedding party, and reasonable to expect your husband to attend the wedding and procure childcare as all guests should. If you were unclear on these expectations or unwilling to meet them, then you should not be in the wedding party.

That said...your sister sounds like a selfish lunatic. The "testing" the guest list by seeing who would or would not compromise their identity security and privacy by e-mailing their personally identifiable information to a virtual stranger is CRAZY. I can't even begin to wrap my head around that but can assure you that as a guest, I would not be giving this information to anyone except the personnel who work on the base who are authorized to collect this information.

Then of course there's the hateful things that she has said to you. There's a certain amount of grace that I allow stressed out loved ones who say things they don't mean in a fit of exhaustion or frustration, but she's gone way, way, way past that line.

If I were you, I would simply say that after your recent conversations, you've reconsidered the situation and think that it would be best if you stepped out of the wedding party. You can't meet her expectation in terms of commitment of time during or before the actual wedding and are hurt and surprised by her outburst. I would let her know that if you are still welcome at the wedding you and your husband would be happy to attend but that you can't commit to anything beyond that.

Hopefully she'll come to her senses at some point and will apologize to you and the two of you can heal your relationship and move on. At this point, I really think you need to bow out and not involve yourself any further in her crazy drama.

ETA based on your SWH then yes, if the invitation is to "The Smith Family" then that does mean kids are invited. That will make this even more interesting...did your sister really not know that? That just ups the crazy another notch, really! You can't invite a family and expect people to not bring their kids! Wow!

I think if it were me, I would respond something like, "now that I've had some time to think about you saying you didn't really want me as MOH, then I think it's probably best that I step back and you have your first choice instead. That way, you will get the help you need since I have kids and am not close enough to be at everything you need me to be." Then I would just step back and let her deal with someone else. Bridezilla or not, there is no reason why she should treat you like that and why you have to put up with it. I would just show up with hubby and the kids for the ceremony and reception and call it a day. And unless your invite specifically said "no kids please" (assuming then it applied to everyone) I would take the kids. Good luck!

So if I read this right, she wants you to leave your breastfeeding 9 month old from Friday until after the wedding is over on Saturday, which probably means Sunday with a 3 hour drive if it's an evening wedding? She also doesn't want your kids (her family) at the wedding at all? She wants your husband to take work off to care for your kids on Friday and then come by himself on Saturday to the wedding? And she flat out told you, she doesn't really want you as MOH, but felt obligated? Take Christy Lee's advice and step down immediately. Then run!

I'm sorry you are in this position. She sounds horrible right now. And Christy Lee is also right, she will blame you for everything that goes wrong, even if it's not your fault.

If I were you, I would back out of MOH, tell her you are happy to come to the wedding on Saturday WITH your entire family. If that doesn't work for her, then let her know you will mail her a card and be spending the weekend with your husband and kids.

Oh wow. I started out thinking, "Yeah, I would bail out if this Maid of Honor thing", but kept also trying to think of a way to make it work...till I got to the bottom.
She screamed at you? Anyone who screamed at me, ever, would be out of my life. I have no tolerance for someone treating me that way.
She told you she does not like you, she refuses to work with you, she told you she never you to have this role. Well, that is your perfect "out". Try not to be jerky about it, but I would call her today and let her know that you are bowing out of the maid of honor role. If she starts screaming, hang up. She only is using you, it seems. There is no reason to continue stressing your family out over this because there is no way you will be able to meet her needs in a way that makes her happy.

I have to wonder also if she has mental health issues, because ALL if her requests are so bizzare.

For what it is worth, if ANYONE told me I had to email all that personal info in order to attend a wedding, I would not be attending. Even if it was my sister, best friend, or parent. I work in the fraud department of a financial institution. Emailing that kind of info is a great way to ruin your entire families financials. People steal children's ss#s all the time to set up credit. Yuck.

If I were you, I would step down from the role of MOH. Immediately.

All other details are inconsequential. She should have chosen a close girlfriend who is more available to her instead of her very busy sister with 3 young children.

I'm very sorry that this has happened. It's surely going to put a rift in your relationship, whether you stay the MOH or not. At least if you're NOT the MOH, she can't blame you for everything that goes wrong in her wedding for the rest of your lives. Run while you still can.

I don't think the Friday rehearsal thing is all that crazy. Your husband taking 1/2 day from work for his SIL's wedding isn't unheard of. But the rest is so over the top that just say you resign as MOH. I'd be unemotional when you speak to her and don't be baited into an argument. Just say it doesn't seem to be working out and someone else can probably fill the role better. You have done nothing wrong and you don't deserve this stress. She made her bed. Let her lie in it. Be glad to have a good reason to avoid all this hassle and drama.

My gut reaction would be to tell her "have a nice wedding, here's my card", stay home and enjoy your family who cares about you. I think "bridezilla" is being complimentary.

Seriously, hope you get it worked out, but unfortunately, you can't pick your relatives and sometimes the only things you have in common is that you were born into the same family. Doesn't make for friends in all cases.

I would resign as matron of honor based on her saying she doesn't like you and all the rest. It would be best to resign anyway because you're not able to meet her needs. Doesn't matter if what she wants is reasonable or not, you can't do it. Just a practical fact. No need for emotion.

Once she said those extreme comments I would definitely back out. Of course you're hurt and angry. She was mean and disrespectful. I would consider no longer spending any time with her.

Yes, she's under a lot of stress, much of which she is creating. That is not an acceptable reason to flame out on you. I would not only not be a part of her wedding but I would no longer be a part of her life until she sincerely apologized and showed over time in the way she treats you that she does respect and love you.

This must be incredibly painful. You need to protect yourself. Try to find a way to tell her in an unemotional way that you quit. Do not give her an opportunity to hurt you some more. I suggest either calling and be ready to hang up or even just send her an email.

I would probably not attend the wedding because doing so sets you and the guests up for more angry drama.

BTW I'm a retired police officer. We never asked for ss# for background checks. Actually we never asked for ss#s for any reason. I would think the military would do the same.

Um - when she said that I would have told her to pick someone else to be her maid of honor. She sounds terrible! I'm so sorry.

About giving out all that info, I would also not be ok with sending that over an e mail to someone I don't know very well. My husband was a marine and we used to live on base. When we had people over to our house, we did have to call them in ahead of time and they did have to show their license to the officers at the gate. But that was all. No social security numbers or anything like that (although that was 10 years ago, so things might have changed). But, you really don't need to do all that ahead of time. Almost anyone can get on base as long as you are called in before and you show your info to the officer.

As for the bride drama, it doesn't seem like you are a good fit to be a maid of honor. The main job of the maid of honor is to do anything and everything for the bride. The bride SHOULD be more understanding of your situation, but not all brides are that way. Do you not have a friend who can watch the kids for you on the rehearsal night? It will be really hard to be bfing a baby and watching 2 older kids while being a huge part of the wedding.

Honestly, I would back out of the wedding and just be a guest. You live too far away and don't have time to be a maid of honor. Just give her a call and say you just can't do it.

Ok.
There is no reason to jump through hoops for any of this.
Since when did Maid/Matron of Honor mean 'personal indentured slave'?
Absolutely no freaking WAY would I hand out my SS# to anyone.
'Testing' the guests?
Is she nuts?
Tell her you want her day to be special but it's more than you can manage at the moment and then resign from being her Matron of Honor.
I'm not sure I'd even accept an invitation from her at this point.
I'd be tempted to tell her fiance to run for the hills.
If she brings it up again at any time after that tell her you have one word of advice for her:
ELOPE!

There are so many warning bells on this one, I can't even hear the wedding bells.

This is so incredibly manipulative that I just have to question motives.
I'm not giving personal information to a guy I hardly know. How did they get permission to have a wedding on base? Was that your Dad pulling strings?
If any info was given, I'd give it to Dad and let him personally deliver it.

You need to let her have her wish and not have anybody at the wedding that doesn't really want to be there ...and that would include me.
People who trample on your feelings to get their way, do not care about you. They are narsasistic. (I've said that a lot lately, I know) She is being unreasonable. Either her H to be is driving the crazy bus, or she is captain of it. Either way, don't get aboard!

Ugh...

If I were you, then I would kindly and calmly talk to my sister and tell her that I have to relinquish my crown title as MOH and she can give it to the first runner up. Her fiance and his friend can surely find a runner up. I would nicely tell her that I have a family that has to come first now and I can't meet all the wedding preparation demands. She did not give you all of these requirements when she asked you to be MOH and so you happily agreed upon what you thought would be considerate on both sides. It is not the gig you thought it would be and you can't fully give yourself to her 100%.

Phxmama......you are under NO OBLIGATION to continue in this madness. Call her ASAP and tell her she needs to find someone else to be the MOH. You, your husband and your kids will be so much better off. I would attend the wedding without kids and have an enjoyable time knowing I didn't continue on this horrible trail of drama and resentment.

Please follow up and let us know how it goes. C'mon.....pick up the phone and tell her you are graciously bowing out. Any aftermath you endure will be less painful then the hell you will put yourself,husband and your own little family through during the future preparations and wedding day.

Good luck and best wishes! I am sorry you had to hear such horrible words from your sister about your relationship. Sigh....so sad! Yes you are family...but at least you can put some distance between yourself and her. I feel bad for the poor man she is marrying :(

Your sister is a nutcase and I'd definitely relinquish myself of the matron of honor duties.

Also, no way in heck I'd give out that kind of info just to attend a wedding. No way, no how, absolutely not. Not for a family member, not for a close friend, not even for my own child. Never. And, really, most *reasonable* people wouldn't give it out, either. I hope your sister is prepared for a lot of "decline to attend" replies...

If she already doesn't like you, then you'll have nothing to lose by backing out of the maid of honor role. If I were you, I would probably make plans to attend the wedding only without your children. I 100% understand when people don't want kids at their wedding - I didn't either. I also think that asking someone who you KNOW has small children and a breastfeeding baby to be your MOH and then impose all that stuff on them is just plain stupid. Talk about no clue. Good luck.

This is hilarious how ridiculous your sister is! Before you even got to the part where she doesn't like you, I was ready to dictate this to you: "I appreciate the honor of being asked to serve in this role, but I do not think that I am able to serve in the capacity that you need. I respectfully decline your request to stand as Matron of Honor."

Send that to her in writing--e-mail or text--and be done. You are really not in any position to serve in this capacity.

Brides tend to think that their big day is big for other people, too. I don't agree. I think that your wedding day is big to you and your intendent. It doesn't generally trump special events that have already been scheduled for that time or birthdays. Since she's your sister, you should figure out a way to be there for the ceremony, and that's it. If you simply cannot find childcare, then you just can't. Maybe you and your husband and baby can make a nice trip of it and drive out on the morning of and then go back home after. If she's hellbent on no kids, then your husband can hang out with the baby while you attend the ceremony only. Then, get back to your children. Bridezilla or not, your sister's a loon.

PS. I wouldn't care if the wedding were tomorrow. I wouldn't care about giving her time to find someone else. This is not even about punishing her. It's about honoring your commitment. You are in no position to be the MOH that she says that she needs, so you SHOULD step down from that immediately.

Um, that seems extreme to get on base. First of all, how are they able to sponsor anyone if they themselves are not military? I can only do it because my husband is retired. My dad is also retired and I have never been without an ID card, but none of my 4 siblings have access anymore. If they want on, they do it because I escort them or my one brother is Government and can get on that way, but he can't sponsor. However, we only need to provide name and country of citizensip - the rest seems too much. And never for anyone under 10.

Secondly, I'd back out of the role and tell her you'll attend as a guest.

I would resign a the maid of honor. You want her to understand that you have kids/family and can't be on call and she wants you to understand that she needs you to be on call and in favor of everything she comes up with - even the crazy stuff. Since she stated she didn't want you in the role anyway - that's the greatest excuse. Save your sanity and move on.

As far as the no kids rule - find a baby sitter. I just don't understand why people take issue when the bride/groom say NO KIDS at the reception and the parents act like it's ultimate offense. Enjoy a night away from the kids and get a sitter. It's really simple. When you really want to go to a wedding, you make the necessary arrangements and sacrifices to be there. Enjoy being a guest.

I would bow out now to be honest. She refuses to work with you at all and she is acting like everyone should turn their lives upside down for her party. She will of course be very mad, but hopefully in time and with some distance she will see how she was acting and realize how awful she was.

I would back out of the wedding altogether. Your sister sounds like a spoiled brat and it would serve her right if no one showed up to her wedding. I'll be darned if I would give up my DOB, full name and SSA number to someone I didn't know. Heck, I don't know that I would give it up to someone I did know, only because if they wrote it down, I would be afraid they would lose it.

I think she's beyond bridezilla to the other 'b' word. How's your relationship with Mom? Can you tell her what sister said and get her thoughts? If not, or if Mom is appalled as well, I would simply tell sister that given what she said and the restrictions on your time you feel it would be best for everyone concerned if she find a new maid of honor.

If even that is too confrontational and will cause too much drama then tell a white lie - tell her that you don't feel you are able do her wedding and the maid of honor position justice due to the distance and your family commitments so you feel it wouldn't be fair to her to remain maid of honor. That gives her an easy out, sounds like that might be the only way off this particular hook. And if they ever have kids - don't agree to be the godparents, lol.

My daughter and her husband lived on an army base in leesville LA. I visited several times. I was NEVER asked to provide my ss#. You are always asked to show a government issued photo I'D (drivers license or state I'D, Passport, military ID) nothing else. Your name will be on the list of invited guests and you need to show photo I'D.

The children thing is a different story. If they invite the family children are a part of that unless it specifies on the invitation "adult only exception" there is absolutely nothing wrong with having an adults only wedding. But it needs to be addressed ahead of time.

As far as her bridezilla behavior I would back out and let her maid of honor handle it. She is not out of line as the bride to expect you to be available to her without your children in tow. And it is also not her problem that you will need asitter. I would get a sitter for the wedding weekend if I was you. Probably not the response you were looking for sorry.

My son is in the Army and when we went to the base we had to show our drivers license and proof of insurance. Strange but okay. I would NEVER give anyone that type of information especially in an e-mail. Yeah, they are crazy for thinking that.

Personally, you should have made arrangements for Friday. Its the day before the wedding and you are MOH. That being said, they need to get over their attitude regarding your kids. REALLY? How old is your sister and fiancé? 12?

My husband and I were both in my brother's wedding. My SIL's family arranged for a "sitter" for the ceremony. It was great. We all attended the reception and the rehearsal dinner. No issues there.

Your sister's comments to you were over the top and very hurtful. I would respond with "since our last conversation and realizing that you felt the obligation in asking me as the MOH, I am going to bow out so you can have the wedding you want. I wish you joy and love in your upcoming marriage." Then I would flip her off!! =) JK Be the bigger person in this.

Sometimes acting like an adult is overrated!!

Well, the way I would respond, would be to just back out. I'd say if you don't like me, then why do you want me here so much? I hate to say this, but do you think she is making things so difficult, so you WILL back out? Sometimes people without kids, do not understand people with kids. I can understand (a little bit) people not wanting babies at a wedding. But a wedding is about being family, and creating a new family, and I would find it really hard to accept her terms. You sound like a very reasonable person to me. Good luck on your decision.

I don't know anything about the base procedures, so no help there. Although using it as a test of some sort is very strange. I know I don't email my SS number, nor will I provide it unless absolutely required.

For Friday, I agree that you should do what it takes to be there for the day. You are the MOH, you should be there to help set up.

Where I wouldn't budge - the nursing baby. If you go for the day, the baby has to come with you. That's how it is with nursing babies. Hopefully you can ask a relative to take care of the baby during the rehearsal of the ceremony itself, but before and after, the baby comes with you. Same for the wedding itself. If your sister can arrange a babysitter who can watch the baby somewhere out of the actual chapel where the wedding will be held (a side room of some kind in the same building?), then do that so the baby isn't distracting during the wedding ceremony. Afterwards, if your sister doesn't want the baby around for the reception, then you leave after the ceremony with the baby and you skip the reception.

If your sister can't accept that, you bow out of the wedding.

IMO, I think you should go with only the baby, and your DH and kids should stay at home. When they uninvited your kids, they basically uninvited your DH too.

Overall it sound slike you don't have a very close relationship and should not have accepted or even been asked to be in the wedding. But what's done is done. Under normal circumstances, like when the bride and matron of honor actually like each other, yes, you do whatever the bride wants and needs you to pretty much all day in the day or two before the wedding--you make arrangements for work, find a baby sitter, whatever you need to do because you agreed to be her matron of honor. HOWEVER, since she is being just outright MEAN, I would tell her what you are willing to do since she didn't want you in it anyway, and that's that. The personal info thing is just absurd, btw. People can give their info when they get there, if she will even allow them to come!

I see both of you acting a bit selfish. The kids are in school till 3:30, come on, they are not learning rocket science in grade 1 or 2. I'd gather the kids at noon on Friday, drive the 3 hrs. spend an hour or so with them at the hotel near the venue(and the babysitter), go do all your MOH stuff. Your baby is 9 mths, he should be able to last a 3 hr stretch without nursing. Your husband will come up when he is off work, relieve the babysitter. and enjoy. I think your sister is a little stressed and is not saying things that she really means right now.

The only thing I agree with your sister on is your hubby taking time off.on that Friday. BUT, your whole family should be welcomed at the rehearsal dinner-thats what they are for-wedding party AND family! I can SLIGHTLY understand not wanting kids at a wedding, but again, you're family. I flat out wouldn't marry anyone who seems as disgusted by children as that fiance is! I think reasonable would be your hubby taking the day off of work, you helping out your sister in the afternoon and your hubby (and maybe kids) arriving for the dinner. Could you get a sitter for the kids for the night and next day?

I agree with you on most of this, but I think you should give her the day before her wedding.

The day before the wedding is generally a tough one for the bride. I was so blessed to spend that day with my sister and my SIL (brother's wife). I was nervous and excited and still forming relationships with my future in-laws (so it wasn't their company I wanted).

I don't think it's asking too much for your husband to take the day off so that you can be at your sister's beck and call that day.

Other than that, yes, she's being ridiculous.

I would have your hubby make arrangements to be off on that Friday (make a plan with work now - the sooner the better) and be there for her all day.

As for the rest, just go with the flow. They sound like a couple of immature morons - this marriage won't last anyway!!

Many are counseling you to back out. Before you commit to withdrawing, how far off is this wedding? Just want to make sure that she has time to get an alternative. The MOH role is an important one in our church weddign service, as she serves as the "godmother" to the bride and groom, and confers her blessing on the wedding.

Not sure what governs in her chosen service.
best,
F. B.