I met this woman, she considers me a friend but WE JUST MET a month ago!! she is always over at my house and I mean always as in every day. She does not leave even when my hubby gets back home though I hinted more than once that he works very long hours and I love to spend some alone time with him when he gets home. My hubby has been very rude to her but she does not get the message.
She has a lot of issues such as depression and infertility and I feel bad for her especially that I've been there at one point of my life but I need some time out. She is bringing me down and I already have a lot of things going on in my life and can not handle any extra load.. please tell me if you have any advice on how to let her down easily. I am not a selfish person but I only met her a month ago and so far she's been to my house more than 15 times and she calls me every day! I need a solution so please help..
Thanks to everyone for your responses. I spoke to her about the situation very bluntly and yes there were some water works involved but now she calls ahead of time to ask if she could come and when I tell her I am busy she really gets it. I advised her to see a therapist but she did not go. Anyway, my hubby agreed to babysit once a week so we'd go out and that would limit her coming over.
Thank you for all the good advice.
What a tough situation. Maybe you can introduce her to someone else who needs a friend! wink ;)
hi H.
i sorry to hear about your friend, she sounds as though she sha no one else to turn to, and i think she maby too shy to go out and meet other people on her own. do you go to any coffee mornrings that you could take her to with you, when she comes over make an excuse to go out like taking baby for a walk or going to a play date or the shop. if you have caller i.d on your phone don't answer it every time i think she will get the idea soon.
She obviously hasnt gotten the "easy" hints so maybe its time to just be honest with her. Dont be cruel but simply say that your life is really full and hectic and you arent going to be available to her everyday anymore. also ask her to call from now on before coming over. that way you get to decide ahead of time if it is a day that enables you to deal with her. If you say yes to her then give her a specific time that she will have to leave. when that time comes then say "oh look at the time. hubby will be home and I gotta make dinner". Walk to the door and open it while saying this so she has no choice but to get up as well.
This is a touchy situation but I think you're going to have to just tell her that family time is important to you, and that as much as you like her you need time alone with your family. Explain to her that you can be friends but perhaps maybe instead of spending so much time together you could go to lunch once a week or so. If she still doesn't get this hint then just tell her that you need to put a hold on your friendship. If you are like me being firm with people can be kind of difficult but now I make myself do it when neccesary.
I would sit down and tell her that since we are "friends" that includes being honest to each other. I would then tell her that though you want to spend time with her, it is interfering with your time with your family. You expect to be able to do certain things with your family and you can not do this while she is there. Set specific times with her that you can get together and "girl talk" but keep a watch handy and when it is time to leave say, "I am sorry this time is over, let's do it again next week, same time, same place". Be sure that if she does give you your space that you then adknowledge it by saying something like "I really appreciate you giving me time with my family, they really enjoy it and so do I". In between maybe you could send her some positive email or even mail her an encouraging greeting card. If she is not willing to accept that your relationship has to change then maybe you need to decide if she is worth the effort anyway. She may decide to walk away but I would keep the door open for when the hurt and disappointment subsides but on your terms, not hers. Depression is a touchy thing so be positive and let her know you are there but that you can't be her only support system. Encourage her to see a professional therapist or someone through her church. As to the phone calls? Caller ID and an answering machine. As to pop in visits? When you see it's her, pack up the kid, pick your purse up and say "I am sorry, I can't visit now, I was just on my way out. Don't forget our date to "girl talk on Tuesday". Even if you just go around the block or even take the baby on a stroller ride around the neighborhood. Try to always remind her of the scheduled time when you have to turn her down. Of course, you will have to use your judgment if you sense it is an emergency or something but remain as firmly consistent as possible. Do your very best to keep your dates and hopefully this will help.
C.
Hi, I rarely answer these things, but this kind of send chills up my spine. I would very cautiously 'cut off' this relationship. People like this can be deluded and even dangerous. I would make excuses that I was not home, I would say my child has a contagious illness, anything, to keep her, wean her away from you. Sounds like she needs professional help. Blame it on your hubby. Just tell her that he is giving you a hard time and wants you more to himself. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to be blunt (feels rude), but again, I would do this with tact and be careful with this person.
My advice is just tell her that you dont mind her coming over every now and then when youre not busy.But by all means when your husband comes home she need to leave as soon as she speaks to him.I am a very out spoken and down to earth person and I wont hurt your feelings with my words but I will be frank.I dont think noone should come over to friend or no friend house every day.I dont know of any man that want a person at their house when ever he comes home from work.Let her know that your husband thinks that she shouldnt be there when he gets home from work.If you dont want to hurt her feelings and your husband is always rude to her,let her think that its coming from him instead of you.But by all means let her know before it becomes a problem in your marriage.B. F.
I'm not sure what other people have told you but I'm a nice person but I can be very blunt sometimes but I would just come right in tell her how you feel lay down so rules and stop beating around the bush some people just need a bigger push then others if this dose not work then she is just being rude and stuboren and then you will have to get mean or have your husband do it he dose not seem to have a problem with getting a little mean GOOD LUCK!
I think the best thing to do would be to set some clear boundaries with her. Tell her that you would like to be friends, but that you have a lot going on with your family, etc. and that you will not be able to see her every day. Try to set up some time once per week (or however often you feel you would want to see her) in advance and stick to that. If she calls, you don't necessarily have to answer the phone. If you have some time to chat, then fine, otherwise, she can leave a message and you can get back to her when you have the time.
Dropping hints doesn't work for some people. You just have to tell her what your expectations are out of the friendship without being rude and if she doesn't understand or gets upset, then you haven't lost anything because you wanted her to back off anyway. If she accepts what you have to say, then you may have gained a new friend that with your help could start to feel better about her circumstances. You never know when you'll have the opportunity to show grace and mercy to someone and how it can change their lives, so I wouldn't write her off just yet, but you don't have to let her consume your life or family time either.
Best of luck!
I had a friend like that years ago. She was extremely needy and jealous of time that I spent with other people. I tried letting her down easily and dropping hints, but in the end, I just had to be honest with her. She was very shocked and hurt and decided not to be my friend at all anymore. Well, I didn't really want that, but I couldn't take her constant phone calls. Years later, she is now married and has grown up a lot. We have become friends again.
I think that your friend is just going through a hard time and feels a connection to you. You may be the only one who listens to her. I would start by telling her the truth, and adding that you really need to spend time alone and with your husband. Plus, you have a toddler, who I know takes up a lot of your time. She may be hurt by what you say, but chances are, this isn't the first time that she has heard someone tell her this. Sorry you're in this situation. Best of luck to you, and let us know how it goes! :)
