Bossy Classmate/friend

If it was me, I'd tell the parents that I could no longer watch their child after school. If they press, I would say it was the before-mentioned behavior problems. Essentially, I'd give them a week or so's notice.

You are a nice person, but it sounds like you are being taken advantage of by the parents in a major way. It sounds like the parents and the kid have respect issues.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

You have been amazingly accommodating and a great friend/community member. But remember that this is NOT something you have to do. My son has a friend whose mom is like that - constantly asking for unreasonable favors she expects everyone else to do because she's a poor, single mom (whose parents and child support pay for her to live in a house nicer than mine although she has no job, I will add!) We watched and gave her son a ride to school for a while, and were happy to, but I also draw the line at other things (like asking me to provide a full day of free babysitting so she could work.) I just keep saying no. Nicely, but basically, no. (like the saying goes, "no is a full sentence.") My policy is, it's never not OK to ask, but know that sometimes I will say no.

The thing is, you can't make up for other people's bad decisions. I am not the one who decided to have a baby without a father in the picture when I was 20, and you are not the one who decided (like your son's friend's mom) to have a baby with a jerk and put up with his nonsense. It's nice to try to help, but think of it this way - every week you babysit after school is a $75 gift (current rate I pay for my sons' after care.) Makes it seem much more like you've already done your part, doesn't it?!

For your question about helping the boy. It seems like you are providing structure and discipline, and eventually he will, if you are firm and patient, respond. But he likely will always teach your kids bad words and in other ways show his home environment. It will be a wonderful gift to him if you decide to invest that sort of effort. I would not do it, because I need my home to be a haven after work - but if you are the kind of person who would, I admire you for it. But you have to do it because you want to give and not be thanked for it, because I can guarantee you that no one will appreciate it.

Wow, I was TOTALLY in your position last year! I took care of my neighbor boy before school and after. They were new to the area and couldn't afford private school anymore, so I offered to watch him so they could work and send him to the public school. From outward appearance the boy was nice (he was 5 my son was 4) and I thought it would be good for my son to have time to play with him. The first few months were great, then as he got comfortable more of his personality came out, and I would overhear him doing the exact same things that your guy was doing. First, you do NOT want to allow this kid to walk all over your son. If they are to keep playing together make it clear that he is to be fair, just as you have instructed your son to be fair to his friends. Outline what that means (ie. being fair with the toys, not keeping all to himself and not allowing your son any.) Nor breaking things, that it's not acceptable in your house. I had the issue where he was also being super rude to my son, and I was constantly curbing that. You HAVE to establish the rules in your home, and make sure he knows he must follow them, regardless of what he does at home.
Getting through to mom may be a bit harder, which is why I just say address what you can control, which is the behaviors that you can control within your home. I don't care how the kid treats his parents or his stuff, because that isn't my domain, but in my house- that's another story!
In the end I chose not to watch the boy again because it wasn't a good influence on my own son, and that is most important to me. We (our neighbors and us) aren't as close as we used to be but I don't mourn the relationship anymore. My son is simply more important, and I don't like the effect their son's treatment of mine affected him. I'm still dealing with the aftermath!
Good luck!

The old talk to mom thing has never worked with me in my life. What does work is being usually straight about the consequences with the boy who is coming over. I'd share the whole klebang with him. Such as I heard you talking with my son and those are his toys and if you do it again this will happen-such as you will not play with his toys.And mean it for a bit. I heard you rationing out my sons toys and you wont be able to play with the star wars figures (that leaves room for other toys) if you want... if you do that again. Or you will come in the house for five minutes, or you will sit on a chair in my kitchen, or so on. He needs consequences. Immediately. And your rules can be established as you wish. Next I had this very similar thing happen to my son. He had a brand new skate board and a child broke it in within a matter of couple of minutes (I saw it!) and of course my son cried.And was very hurt that what he thought was a friend would do it. I had seen this boy destroy many a thing in our neighborhood. A wacko neighborhood mother told my child to stop crying and that he wasnt going to have any friends. At the time I was so flabbergasted I couldnt believe someone would say that.So I just stood there basically. Now I say The point is if your son is frustrated or sad about this acknowledge your sons feelings and do not let this other boy railroad him. A friendship like that is not worth it.They will down the line come to realize that this is not the type of friend he should want but for the time being you can be there to protect him.

You will continue getting frustrated with this little guy and yourself if you let this behavior continue in your home. The rules that you expect your son to follow, should also be applied to this boy. It doesn't mean that you have to be rude or mean to him. However, you have to be consistent to stop the breaking of the toys or talking back, or it will only get worse throughout the year-and you son will learn from it. THen it will be two vs. you! THis is an age where the kids really start to push the boundaries and they need to know how to behave around and speak to adults.

Just some suggestions-some that I've found out the hard way myself. I've worked in daycare for over 10 years, 6 of which are out of my home-including schoolagers, plus a mom to a first grader and a 4 year old.

Short and simple... YOU should have the right to disipline him in YOUR house as if you would displine your own child.
I did daycare for many years and he knows that he is not getting in trouble from you. Taking away privilges (aka toys) time outs, and letting him know as soon as you hear him treat your child in a rude way that, that is not allowed in YOUR home! It will be hard at first, but you will see results. Simple rule, treat others as you want to be treated. To start the disipline process, you need to be very clear of the new rules.. Have them help you make a list of "the rules". You guide them by asking "hmmm should we be allowed to break any toys?" They will most likely answer you correctly. If not, you explain why. Let them know the punishment for that. List the rules in a place they play, and everytime they (your son too) break a rule, they get the consiquence discussed. This helped me when I had almost all boys in my daycare and they all wanted the same toys at the same time. They would fight and throw toys. They also feel a sense of ownership when thay come up with "thier special rules". Make them feel they chose the rules and the punishments. You are not "the bad guy" for the disipline, they choose the action that got them there! Good luck! I hope this works out! PS. No parent likes to hear every day how naughty thier child is... Unless it was somthing that WILL change by telling them, I would just say "everything was fine" or "things are getting better".
Do not lie if asked a specific question.. but the naughty report is distressing especially if it the same every day.
Parents are naturally defensive. So that will help the tension!

Hi Nancy,
If you really do want to continue with this child, you have to feel comfortable disciplining him as if he were your child, the way you would if the roles were reversed and your son was the one trying to dominate things. This is a good and fair thing to do for all parties concerned. I have a five year old and they are old enough to understand why certain things are not allowed. And then those rules have to be reinforced until they are second nature, so be prepared to be more involved in their playtime for awhile! I would pull the child aside and let him know what your concerns are and let him know what the rules are and why. Try to do it initially in a very positive way that shows you will support him and your son during playtime to be sure everyone is playing nicely. I've been working a lot on "treat others as you'd like to be treated." I don't think 5 year olds have a ton of natural empathy, so again, I have to have this talk quite a bit! I think positive reinforcement works the very best after your rules have been communicated -- lots of praise for when they play well together, etc. When my daughter's playdates start to go south in many of the same ways you mentioned, I get in there and say, "How do you think we can solve this?" Or, "I know you girls are great at sharing so let's try that" and if it doesn't work, "you know, if you can't figure out a way to be fair then we have to put the legos away." Cheering them on to be good often makes them switch gears and get a kick out of working together. I think you're just going to have to monitor things more closely and find ways to support both kids on the road to better playing. As far as the mom goes, I'd let her know what you're doing so she can echo the ideas at home but really the onus is on you to make things go the way you want them to in your home. You are so, so nice to do this. I hope you all find a way to work it out and make it a good experience for all. Sounds like this boy needs a little attention.

sounds like it time to quit in a nice way.... we can't change other people kids.

Debbie

It is your house and you should lay down the playtime rules for this little visitor and looks like you need to be firmer than usual. You can explain to his mom that you've noticed the increased disagreements between them and your solution is to outline the rules and consequences. He may not have this structure at home and you don't want your son to assume this rude, obnoxious behavior is ok. If he can't follow your rules and be respectful, you might need to do away with this arrangement...especially if his mother is unable to help you enforce the rules. The conversation needs to be had with his mom.

First off, I would not leave them unattended if this is the kind of behavior typically happening. Secondly, give this boy a time out! Your house, your rules. Period. I would count to three. At a "3" there's a 5 minute time out, in another room alone, for a rest period. And I would continue to be very diligent with the time outs. After a week or two, I bet you see huge changes. You need to tell this boy that he has to share all of the toys and that your son has kindly let him come over to play and is kindly sharing all of his toys... this boy needs to be gracious and say please and thank you and SHARE! If he won't share, then count. If he talks to your son like that, count. I would do the same thing if MY kid were acting that way. Why should this kid be allowed to behave in such a way, especially at someone else's house?
Also, it's very nice of you to do this for this other mother!

I used to run a home daycare. As you might guess, my kids toys became "common" property for all the children to play with....except. I allowed my kids the opportunity to select a few toys that they did NOT need to share. Since your son is having a difficult time standing up to his "friend".....I would suggest you pull the toys your son really cares about and put them aside. Leave only a limited number of toys available of the visiting child to select from and sit both boys down and have a talk with them about how you have found a great many broken toys and since you will NOT be replacing them, they should take more care with the toys that are available. Tell them both that the rules of the house are the rules of the house! The teacher is setting rules at school that most likely don't match any of the children's homes exactly so they understand the difference. Your own son will enjoy having his "special" toys when the other child is not around, but during the visits, they should be out of sight. If your child is the one doing the breaking, it will become quite clear, but I agree, most likely it is the dominent boy.

Hi Nancy It sounds to me this little boy is running is housewhole and wants to take control over yours!!! Have a long talk with his mother about is behavior because it's going to get worse before it gets better. Let him know when he at your house, he not to boss your son and tell your son that he doesn't have to listen to him. He no doubt get his way at home and thinks that he can get his way with other people. If it's not stopped now, he'll have problems as an teen/adult.

When someone is visiting your house they should go by your rules. I would simple inform the little boy how everyone behaves in your house. Tell him we don't talk to each other like that. If his mom is not around you should be able to tell him this. If he doesn't like it- too bad. You have to think about your son and not picking up bad habits.