What to Do When Your Neighborhood Has Unruly Kids?

Hi L.,

I like one of the other posters husbands am a no nonsense parent. I don't yell, I just tell them they way it is. Here is the rule, if you break it you go home, period. My son and daughter always tell kids that hit or intend harm, "Bodies are for hugging and kissing, not hitting". So if there is a child at my home (inside or out) that breaks a rule I just walk them home. If the parent asks me why they are being sent home I tell them honestly. It's not my job to discipline their children, that's their job, but I don't have to have them at my house either. Once the kids know you won't stand for what they are doing and are consistent if they want to play they will stop.
Good Luck,
J. in Macomb

L.,

I can understand how you feel about someone else disciplining your child, but if your daughter was at someone else's house and she was biting other kids, would you want that to continue or would you want the parent to stop her?

I believe that an entire community is responsible for everyone's children. If I see a child playing in the street I have no problem telling them to get back on the sidewalk or go home and I make sure they follow through. If I see kids antagonizing our neighbor's dog I'll call them on it and send them home as well. I expect other parents to do the same if my child is behaving badly.

Kids learn respect not only from their parents, but also from the other adults in their lives. If they can get away with bad behavior in front of a neighbor what is to stop them from continuing that behavior in front of other adults. Over time it can escalate into dangerous and truly harmful behavior.

If you really feel uncomfortable with disciplining the other kids, talk to their parents and see how they feel. Just ask an open ended question...."If my daughter was over at your house and misbehaving, would you discipline her and how?" Then turn the tables and ask, "When your children are over at my house and are misbehaving, how would you feel if I disciplined them in the following manner?" and list how you would react to specific situations. This way you and the other parents are on the same page and everyone knows how the other adults feel.

Don't forget,you are your child's advocate until she learns how to stand up for herself. Being a mamma bear is not a bad thing. It teaches your daughter to have confidence in her parents that they will protect her from people who harm her, and also how to protect herself from those same people.

Good luck!

We had a little girl that used to hit alot of the kids on the street. Thank god she moved away now, but she'd have no problem just slugging someone if they didn't do something. Her mother and I were pretty friendly with each other, so the one day I caught her pushing my son down (who's 3 and she was almost 5) on the sidewalk and he hit his head on the cement pretty hard that i thought he could've cracked it. I had no problem raising my voice at her and then made her march her butt home and tell her mom what she had done. The mom took care of it then. But there were a zillion times after that she just kept hitting. I was just as clueless as you. I dont want to alienated my active little man, but it seemed like every kid on the block were all playing together including that girl. So I alienate him from everyone. Didn't want to do that, but after that incident and i raised my voice at her, she never bothered my kid again (physically that is)

We have a similar situation in our neighborhood so I can relate. What we've decided is to limit the time my son plays with this particular boy. This will probably mean that you have to find other avenues for playmates for your child. Look into local churches for women's groups, local play groups, etc. When my does play with our neighbor, it is outside or in our home where we can advocate for our son when needed. If your child is being physically hurt, I would definitely approach the other child's parent. Talk very candidly about what is happening and how it makes you feel. Tell the parent that when this happens in the future, you will simply send their child home. I would not go down the road of trying to implement discipline with someone else's child- too much could go wrong or be misinterpreted. That's my 2 cents!

My husband is a no non-sense kind of guy and will not hesitate to raise his voice at a neigborhood child if they are acting unruly even if it is down the street, which is pretty old school, but the kids in the neighborhood know that he means business and I am sure other parents have probably raised an eye-brow or two at him, but no one ever says anything and there is usually peace and harmony in the sub. I myself tend to use a softer tone and at times it seems less effective, but I don't run into too many situations where my children are in harms way by another child, but hitting or destructive behavior is definitely not allowed and if the child's parent doesn't see it, then I would definitely say something to the child and let them know that that behavior is not acceptable and if they go home crying, hopefully the parent will come out and ask you what happened and know that you only were protecting your child and letting their child know that they were acting in an inappropriate manner. I would not keep your child in all summer, you will just have to be with her when certain kids are around. Maybe you could organize events like a sprinkler game or relay races or sidewalk chalk contest, this way everyone is concentrating on the task or game and may not be likely to hit or cause trouble. Bottom line your house, your rules.

L.,

My children are grown now but I do remember that at 3 years old they were never left unattended, especially outdoors unless they were with me or an adult family member. If you take her outside for play time at various times in the day this shouldn't even be an issue. I definitely would not leave her alone in the company of these other children or use them as her sitters, you never know what they might do to her and she's far too young to take care of herself. As for them playing on your property and around your car, I think I would be a little more insistant to their parents that you do not want them in your yard or near your car for safety reasons and then enforce it by calling them everytime they come over. You might suggest that when your daughter goes out to play they are welcome to come over for some supervised playtime but when you go in they must go home too. Eventually they will learn the rules and probably stick to them. Good luck,

S.

L.,
If these two kids are hurting your daughter, rather than keep your daughter inside (which I'm sure would upset her), I would feel free to discipline the kids. Obviously, their parents aren't doing the job... If they say something to you about it, I would calmly explain that your daughter enjoys playing with the kids but they often hurt her. When disciplining them, obvoiusly, I would start easy... Not only will it protect your daughter but it will help her see that it's not OK for others to take advantage of her or hurt her. Then perhaps she will begin either standing up for herself or maybe even realize that these kids aren't that great and choose to stay away from them. Best of luck as I know that neighbor situations can be sticky.

I agree with Allison, although you can't really discipline their children, you can catch them doing wrong and say "we don't hit/bite/throw toys, whatever at our house. If you do it again you will have to go home." When you send them home, walk them home and talk to Mom and find a way to tell her without putting down her kid. Maybe, "I don't know what happened, they were playing nice and then Johnny started throwing dirt in the other kids faces." Don't punish all the kids, just send home the one that is being naughty.

You can also set boundaries, when the kids come over, you can tell them that today is family time and could they come and play tomorrow. Maybe even set up a signal with colored signs, red for no play and green for all welcome if it is a big problem.

Definitely, if they are in your house/on your property, you can talk to them about "good behavior" and how to treat others and your toys. Obviously they need some life "lessons". I wouldn't hesitate to protect your child and keep better role models around...b/c chances are that if she is hanging around those children she is going to start picking up on their habits. There are ways of phrasing things to the kids that isn't really "discipline" but rather suggestions or modeling. Best of luck!

My house, my rules. If you don't like it...go to your house with your rules. I think that is common. For instance if you are at our house and you use "bad" words. You get out of the pool or sit out of what we are doing. I don't warn you, I have that rule. I know other people give kids three chances or whatever and that is fine at their house. I also allow more rowdy play than some other parents of 10-12 year old boys, but there are still rules. Cross the line and you're done. Some kids think I'm a mean parent..OH WELL. But they still come over and they learn the rules very quickly. I think most kids want guidance and schedules and most parents don't take the time to reinforce it. Start now at 3!!

If they are at your house- discipline them. You have every right to expect them to follow your rules when they are at your house. Tell them if they can't play nice and follow your rules, that they won't be able to stay - and send them home if they continue the bad behavior.

If my daughter was playing at someone elses house, I would expect that she follow their rules and if not, there should be consequences - just like if she were at home, and just like the other kids.

Ok, I know I'm going to sound weird, but I have two boys 11 and 9. If they are at a friend's house, I don't want to hear about something stupid they did.., unless it's way overboard. I EXPECT the parents that see them misbehave to disipline them, just like when their kids are at my house, I do the same. It's really hard for me to yell at my kid's about something I don't see, and it's easier for my kid's to learn someone else's rules if they know the what will happen if they don't. I'm known as being the strictest parent when other kid's are at my house, but like the other mom's say.., that doesn't stop other kids from coming over. It's funny how some of the neighbor boy's will remind my boy's of what the rules are sometimes, because they don't want my boy's to be the ones to get in trouble bc then they all go home. I guess it all depends on how the neighborhood works though in the long run, here we all trust each other to yell at each other's kids, without going overboard. I totally agree with the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. The big piece of advice I think all of us are trying to say is, everytime you see them misbehave send them home. After a few times, they are going to realize that those are BIG no no's at your house and they will stop or quit coming over.

What I do is MY house MY rules, the kids in my neighborhood never liked comming to our house because they were made to behave or they left, however they love it now, we have fun, but again MY house MY rules!!! If the kids are that bad, I would be straight forward with them, tell them if you cant be nice then go home and dont come back until you can be nice! Give them a couple chances then talk to their parents, tell them you will not allow their kids at your house if they dont behave period, if they dont make them bahave, keep sending them home, they will sooner or later get the hint and stay away. I actually had to call the police on one of my daughters friends, my daughter is 16, the girl threatened my daughter, said she was going to shoot her in the face and bury her with her head out of the ground so that the animals could eat what was left. I was like OH hell NO!! The girl stays away now. But you have to be strict, if they are in your home its YOUR home you make the rules and stick to it!!! Send them home and tell them dont come back. Good luck and God bless!!

so, if you discipline them what... the parents of the unruly kids will then not let them play with your kid (boo hoo) or they will change how they treat your daughter. This seems like a win-win for you. Hurting your child is NOT an option and you have much more patience that I do.

Let the parents know one more time and then discipline them if they harm your child. Take toys away entirely so that nothing gets broken. This is just my opinion, but I think it will help. Kids do exactly what they think they can get away with OR they don't know what they are doing is wrong. Either way, it is your job as part of their village to educate them. It is also your BIG job to help your daughter feel and be safe.