Blending Familes

The thing about your kids is they are people and not things... (of course you know that) but the his and hers, mine and yours, thing isn't within your control when you're talking about relationships between PEOPLE.

It sounds like you're all getting along which is the most important thing.

I get that you want your blended family to feel like you would imagine a gigantic biological family... but it isn't... so it won't... period. He and his children have a whole history, memories, previous life together without you and your children... just like you and your kids have a history, memories and life together before them. Asking for it to all feel like "ours" is asking for those previous lives to become mute. That isn't what you really want, is it? Until everyone has more memories grown together than they do apart, it's unreasonable to expect that anyone will feel more like "ours" than "his and hers." But that's not a bad thing.

I honestly think that the best thing you can do for nurturing a natural-feeling, shared family is to let go of the idea that you want it to feel different and embrace what it is right now. Nurture and grow the relationships you have with his kids. Encourage the relationships between your kids and your husband, and between all the children. Your blended family is your blended family, and it's wonderful exactly as it is. Don't miss out because you're worried about what it's not. Love his kids, and love your kids, but don't feel bad if everyone's love isn't exactly the same in exactly the same ways.

HTH,
T.

It takes time to blend together as a family. You don't state how long you and your husband have been together nor the ages of the children involved. It is very possible that whilst the kids are meshing well everyone still hasn't quite figured out their place in the family and how to come together as one unit. You and your husband have to make the decisions to be all about ONE family and not his and yours. The children will do as they wish regarding their siblings and new siblings. You cannot force a family to come together but rather accept what is and enable what will be to come naturally. Family is who you choose to accept and welcome into your life as such. Just because it is declared by a piece of paper doesn't it make it so.

We had a blended family growning up and it was always Yours, Mine, Ours. I really don't know how to change that especially if the other parents (the ex's) are in the picture as well.

I think that as much as you don't like it, you play into as much as everyone else in your head (maybe?). I have a friend who has 3 kids, 1 has another father. She is always more concerned about the relationship between her DD and "step"dad, even though he has been "dad" since she was 9 months old. I constantly remind her that they don't see the relationship as any different than with the other two...

However, I do have an idea...What about a commitment ceremony for the family as a whole. Just you, hubs, his and yours. All committing to each other as a family as one...Im thinking in Hawaii? Just kidding about that part, but if you could afford it why not!

It's been 10 years married and sometimes we still feel that way from time to time. But it gets better. I read that it takes an average of 7 years. Some of it is history and expectations. Do you have house rules or his/hers rules? Do you have joint expectations or his/her expectations? Do all the kids have equal chores or is there a disparity? Are your exes helpful or do they interfere? It can be hard, for example, if your ex doesn't support your household. Or if there is just conflict and upheaval from outside sources. Do you do things as a family? Support the kids at events? Make time to do things as a family? Sit down to a regular family dinner? Take a vacation, even if it's a small one?

The other thing is there can be success without the Brady Bunch. Not everyone needs to be one big happy to still be a good, functional, reasonably happy household.

So talk to your DH about what you feel could be better. It's hard to tell from here what the disconnect is. I don't know your custody orders, your visitation schedules, your parenting styles, so I'm being really generic.

Blended families can be successful. But I think sometimes success needs to be redefined and parents need to have a common page to work from.

Depending on how old your kids and his kids are, the true feeling of blending may never really happen, and that's OK. As CoMoMom mentioned, if you have a 10 year old child when you re-marry, things won't feel truly blended for that child until she or he is 20. Our two oldest were 5 when my husband and I got married and almost 10 years later it still feels like "his" and "mine" a lot of the time, and we're not even dealing with their other parents, who are both out of the picture. We both tend to gatekeep and parent our biological children from a defensive position.

Three years is not a long time at all in blended family time. Just keep working towards common goals and it feels more natural as time goes by.

When you are older and marry, you bring things and people in that younger couples do not. My first hubby and I ate on the floor when we married, so the dinette set that we bought later was ours. My second hubby and I had both been married previously so EVERYTHING was his or mine. Even if we traded in a acr for a new car--who'se car got traded in was the same person who felt the new car was their's. No fixing it.

You know how it takes at least a year or two for a married couple to get a good rhythm between them, to adjust in ways that can't even be addressed until you're in the thick of it? How simple is it for you to stop thinking in terms of "mine" and "yours" as it relates to your furniture and your space and your money, if someone is using any of these things in a way that you don't agree with? However long you think that it should take to blend successfully as merely a married couple, multiply that by each child who is brought into the picture, and toss in a little time for taking it all personally (because they are YOUR kids and HIS kids). Know that until you hit your stride, you will continue to feel like you are chasing the dream--especially as your kids go through their individual stages of development--and it will be stressful and exhausting...and sometimes fun.

These are a given. Make sure that you and your husband are steady anchors. Protect your marriage from the rocky road that you are sure to travel. One day, you'll look up and be one.