Birthday Gift Etiquette

I understand what you mean. One suggestion is to keep the gift(s) from you and your husband separate and open those on your own before or after the party. That way you do have your own celebration and this is something that you can continue to do throughout the years. There are many people who truly enjoy seeing the children's reaction to gifts when opened. My daughter didn't help much when she turned one this year but everyone wanted to see what she got.

As for making the gifts a big event during the party, you could quitely go among the guests and say if you'd like to see her open the gifts we'll be in such and such a place. Feel free to remain here and continue to enjoy cake, coffee, conversation, etc. if you would like. This way, no one is pressured to watch. You may choose to say no gifts or no gifts required on the invitation, which is fine too. If someone does bring a gift, then you could take them into a different room and have your daughter open it up with them in private. It's really up to you and what you believe is right. If you don't like how it goes this year, you can always change it next year.

I definitely agree with doing the thank you cards. This is something that I think people slack off on and it is wonderful that you will enstill this act of kindness and respect onto your daughter. Just an idea for you that I did, which everyone loved: I took the best picture I had of my daughter with icing all over her face after delving into her cake and went to Sams club with it. I made it into the post card and it said, "thank you for sharing my special day with me. Love, abigail". It was a real hit and everyone was able to have a picture of her as well. It was definitely less than $2.00 a piece, quite a bit less I think, but I can't remember for sure. Anyway, it's just an idea.

I hope this helps, even if it's just a little. Have a wonderful time and happy birthday to your daughter!

I think it is great that you are going to teach your daughter that the party is for life and not for gifts to be received. I wish that I had done that when my kids were younger.

I think that if you don't put the gifts out for display durring the party and then let everyone know what your trying to teach, they will understand the different way you are going about the gift opening, but remember that at this first birthday your daughter won't understand or remember what went on.

If I had a chance to do my kids birthday parties over I would do the same thing and on the thank you cards I would have a picture of the birthday girl on it. I think that would enhance the "party for life" thought. Good luck at the pary!

I love seeing presents opened...just seeing the unique things people find, and the joy on the recipients face. It's not about materialism for me, but just part of the fun. I wouldn't take that part away from the party guest. You can still send a thank you to everyone there, and you make it clear that she doesn't need a gift to guests before hand. (People may tone down their purchases - or just request a puzzle or book? Most people are still going to bring something, though.)

Best wishes...Happy birthday to your baby!

K. (Kelly) :)

I think that is a great idea...one that I'm gonna steal if you dont mind! BUT I think their first b-day party is more for the adult's amusement, rather than the baby even really understanding what is going on. I think guests might think it's weird because if they are there they obviously care about the baby and probably want to see the look on her face as she is ripping paper and seeing the actual gift, plus those faces are great photo ops. The etiquette (which I am ALL about) is a little lost on such a little one-have fun with this b-day, and maybe try this idea next year and in future b-days...good luck and congratulations on your first successful year of child raising:)

All kids are going to make the party all about the presents regardless of when she is going to open them. Not letting the family see her open the gifts isn't going to teach her anything. When I go to a birthday party I want to see the kids reactions to what I worked hard to find for him or her regardless if she is 1 or 10 years old. I think that having her open the gifts with the family watching is going to teach her to be more appreciative then if she opens them without them. To me keeping the gifts for just her and you guys to open is being selfish and shows her not to give people thanks for what she has recieved. Why send out thank you cards when she should be giving the thanks in person. Shes only one but she is still going to show excitement, why hide that from your guests.

We feel the same way about gifts so we actually put on the invitation " No gifts please, your presence is a wonderful gift"

We have a small family party seperate with us and Grandparents.

If you allow people to bring gifts i do think it is depriving the people of seeing the joy on a childs face after opening the gift. Preschool on up love to see a child open the gift they brought. it gives them a moment of attention at the party.

If you think the presents aren't a big deal for the birthday girl guess again! If you want a different type of celebration, ask your guests NOT to bring gifts and explain the message you want to give to your daughter. There's nothing wrong with the message, but if the guests bring gifts and your daughter must wait to open them, as she gets older she will really be waiting for her guests to leave her party in order to open the gifts. I think when guests bring gifts to a child's birthday party, THEY expect them to be opened at the party. After all it is a birthday party, not a wedding.

We have always requested "No Gifts Please" on my childrens birthday invites to his/our friends. We just get together over some planned activity for example sledding in the winter time or running thru the sprinkler or swimming in the summer etc. That way the kids just enjoy the company of friends and concentrate on fun. Oh yes and of course some food and cake too! Then later (or earlier depending on when the party is scheduled) we have immediate family over and that is when we have presents. What we usually do is no more than 3 presents from mom and dad and only 1 from the grandparents. They have so much stuff anyway and when thats all they are expecting to recieve they are thrilled with it.

In my opinion if the guest are going to bring gifts they should be opened in front of them. The fun in giving a gift is seeing the persons surprise, and delight in what you got them. Personally if I were attending your party and was not able to see a cute little 1yr. old open the toy I got them I would be disappointed. My daughter just had her first birthday a couple of months ago and we just had family and one friend over and it was a blast seeing her open her new stuff and to see the expression on her face for each thing.

So if your goal is to make it about a celebration of life, ask them not to bring gifts. But two things here - First - people enjoy very much buying toys/gifts for little kids especially babies, so in a way you will "rob" them of that experience, but that is ok. Second - She is only going to be a yr. so no matter how big or small your party it, whether she gets tons of toys or none or even if you didn't have a party she won't remember it. I totally understand wanting one and doing one but I would not worry about it so much as she will not remember it.

SO I guess all that is to say you can have a celebration of her life and have gifts but if you have gifts I would for SURE have them opened in front of the guests.

I personally would let her open her presents in front of the guests. There are ways that you can make the focus on the celebration of life and still open presents with the guests. Have a photo album out with pictures from the past year (or previous years as she gets older), and whatever you plan on doing. But I would still allow the child to open the presents in front of the guests. You could still send thank you notes later if you wanted.

Dear K.

I respect your idea.

We Indians mostly do this. We also believe gift is not the important thing. Besides there could be some guest who may not give an expensive gift like another person but they are both equal as a guest. I can see that my daughter do not look for gifts (6 yr) for a birthday party like many other kids. She just wants to have fun.

I hope you like my thought.

C. Sengupta

I get what you want to teach your child, and I think that is great, but I do not think this is the way to do it. If you really do not want the celebration about gifts, then you should ask she not recieve any. I think opening them up in private is teaching selfishness. I did not even do that on my wedding I know many do, but I think it is wrong. People want to share in the joy of opening the gift--it isn't all about the gift, it's about giving and I think your child needs to learn that--JMO!

Hi there!!

I think what you are trying to teach your daughter is great and should be taught to all children while growing up and beyond.

I do feel that a first birthday is a little young for this. I really think you should just let her enjoy her party and rip open the gifts (you can write thank-you's after). I personally LOVE to see kids open gifts, even if they don't really know what it going on. Enjoy the day, take pictures and create memories!!

Probably around 3, 4, 5 that would be a good time to start teaching kids the concept of thank-you notes etc. Although they will still want to rip open the gifts at that age too, so let them!! :)

Hope I helped!
Have fun, enjoy and eat lots of cake!! :):)

S. :)

I can understand that you want to teach your child a lesson about celebrating life. but the magic of being a child only lasts a short time. Are you planning on telling her there's no Santa Clause too? Let her be a child. I'm 30 and every year that goes by is a celebration of life. I learned that and I still got birthday presents as a little girl. Besides that, I spend a lot of time picking out presents and I love to see their faces. More importantly, they always say thank you in person. I love getting a thank you card but a thank you hug is more meaningful. Teach them that people give gifts to them on their birthdays as a symbol that they are such a gift to this world and to their family. A wedding present is completely impersonal and totally different. I don't expect a bride to open up my card and her face light up and say "oh WOW! a hundred bucks! just what I wanted!" She'd be saying that all night to 250 guests. That totally would cut into my dancing time:)

I wouldn't be offended by that. When she's older and has parties with friends I think you may run into issues. My kids love seeing what their friends get and love watching their friends open what they specifically gave to them.

Have fun. The 1st party is the sweetest!
C.

HI,

We have a few friends that actually have gifts brought for charities such as pet food for animal shelters. They usually do this everyother year. Maybe if you do that and your daughter only has gifts from you to actually open, you can teach her generosity, caring and giving and how her celebration of life can benifit others.

I have my children write thank yous to everyone for coming and helping them celebrate, gift or not. Like you,we want them to know that it isn't about the gifts. They are quickly learning to be much more giving (and I love Christmas for that reason - they are always trying to find gifts to give to others and have a hard time with giving a list for themself!)

Good Luck!

K.

She's one...she's not going to sit there and open gift after gift anyway. After a couple (maybe even one) she'll get bored and move on to something else. I think we expect way too much of our children, sometimes, though. To a kid, a birthday is about them...it's about presents and cake and a day to celebrate themselves. Why do we feel like we should take that away? It's one thing to make it an overblown carnival...but there is nothing wrong with a birthday party to let kids be kids! Millions of people who grew up with birthday parties have become generous, caring, selfless people. It's not the party gifts that are going to send her the message of humility...it's the way you raise her the other 364 days of the year. Personally, I don't make my kids send out thank-you's unless that person wasn't at the party. I would much rather be thanked in person before I leave the party, wouldn't you? I think it's a great idea to keep birthdays to a simple celebration, but I love watching my kids delight in the magic of birthdays!

~L.

I totally understand where you are coming from... I also know that when people bring gifts for my son, they like to see his reaction to them. For my son's first birthday, I am going to let him open gifts, but not all at once. I want him to enjoy each gift and not be overwhelmed by the pile of gifts and onlookers. I will have him open one every few minutes so that each giver can see him open their gift to him and appreciate it for a while. It seems a little more intimate that way between the giver and the reciever too. I can also take a pic of my son and the gift giver to help us rememver who gave us what. I will spend time with him after his party writing thank you cards too. I have run into plenty of resistence about how I want to do things with my son, and his upcoming birthday has really been a huge topic of debate with my mom... grrrrrrrrrr... There are happy mediums out there but really we have the final say in how we raise our kids. Hang in there!

My 17 month old had fun opening his first birthday presents, but the guests had the best time watching him "ooh" and "aah" over them. He clapped when they did and used sign language to say thank you after each present. I feel he learned valuable lessons on that day while opening presents. He learned how to respond to the others, how to make others laugh, but most important, he learned how important it is to say thank you when others give you something.
Opening presents is more for the guests, than your one year old. I would recommend doing it for them this year and teaching your daughter about the values of life in future years.
I would also recommend teaching communication with sign language at the recommended age of 9-10 months and planning the party during the best part of your daughter's day even if it is a slightly unusual time for a party.
Sorry - not the advice you wanted to hear.

First of all, your baby is so young that she won't understand what's going on this year anyway. I understand why you want to downplay the gifts, but the gift-givers are going to be hurt. They will want to see the expression on her face when she sees the gift. Your presence and your words are what will be important. Gifts are a special part of the party, but this doesn not have to have a materialistic connotation. It's all about love! I only remember 2 parties in my life where I felt the gifts were not appreciated but were treated as something the guest of honor was entitled to. The first was a birthday party for a preschooler given in a lovely home. The child ripped open and tossed aside all the gifts while the adults were talking in an adjoining room. One might excuse the child but not the mother who never apologized or tried to figure out who brought what. The kids were hurt because only the largest, glitziest gifts seemed to mean anything to the child, with no parent around to make things right. The other party was a wedding shower at which the bridal attendants passed the bride the opened gifts and she glanced at them, quickly and unemotionally setting them aside with brief comments like "here's my sugar and creamer", "here's my towels", etc. Never a thank you or personal comment to a giver. Perhaps she was embarrassed but it was awful! I've been to many, many showers and never seen one this cold. Children learn by watching and listening to their parents and being instructed in gratitude. Your doing this when the givers have already left will NOT send the message you want to your child. Your own gracious, sweet way of handling it with the givers will do that! G. B.

I am not sure if that will work because people like to see kids open presents especially on their first birthday. She isn't going to remember it being about presents anyway. In the future you could ask for contributions to charities or to her college fund. People might think it is rude to open the presents in the private.

K.,
Basically I have absolutely no problem with what you'd like to do. But birthday parties, one year olds, are why people come to the party and want to witness the baby opening things up. It's a milestone of sorts. Plus, if there are duplicates, someone might be willing to take theirs and exchange it.
I think you need to consider your party guests and then not plan a party next year and do it the way you describe.

hi K.,

i think it is great that you do not want to focus on gifts for your daughter's birthday celebrations. my son's first birthday is coming up as well and we plan to actually state on the invites "no gifts, please". if they bring gifts anyway, we will thank them and open them later and send thank you notes to everyone who attended. our friends and family know us (and know we are different!) so they should respect this and not get offended. on the other hand, i think that our new friends that may not know us well will not feel pressure to buy our son a gift, but still come to the party. making it good for everyone. our family always does combined birthday parties, so i have asked our family members that can't refrain from getting my son gifts to give his gifts at this small family get together instead. not exactly what we want, but i think it is a good compromise and minimizes him getting "stuff" that he just really doesn't need.

i would recommend giving a heads up about not doing the traditional party thing on the invites. it will definately help avoid people being offended. first and foremost, don't stress out about it and do what you feel is right for your daughter and family. enjoy your daughter's first birthday!

C.

Hi. I too have this issue and my kids arew now 12 and 14. Instaed of the gifts which I always say are optional, we do my son's birthday in october and do a food drive and ask for food items instead of gifts wjich is then donated to the food bank. And we send out cards of thanls for attending now mond you some still brought gifts which each tome is open after the party. It is so much less stress. On thing for this being a celebration of life party is to make it known on the invite. And then pick a charity you would like to support. Like helen devos chdrens hpspital which gives life to people. Then from there. Send out the thank you cards with what specifically the gifts did. Another option is to fill the day with games and food leaving no time for gifts. Its hard for the first birthday, but as they get older it does get easier. My daughter who jist turned 14 asked for money so that it could be donated to dcholarships for the churches workcamp. We invited 40 guests and held the party at our church and she received 320 dollars which as she said at her party allows one child to go to work camp for free and experience a mission trip. Hope this helps. Christy - SAHM who is starting a party planning business.

When you send out invitations for her birthday party you can suggest "no gifts, please" but if you like you can help us support a particular charity in the name of your child. Also, a one year old doesn't understand gifts, anyhow. Usually, the older children at the party or the parents end up opening the presents. As your baby ages, you probably won't be able to avoid having presents at birthdays because they begin to understand that is what happens at birthday parties. Good Luck!
J.

Most people enjoy watching little kids open their gifts and eat the cake. If you really do not want to put the focus on the gifts, request that your guests not bring gifts. Then those gifts that are brought can be put away until after the party.

she is a year old she won't remeber it anyways, most likely she isnn't even going to be interested in the gifts. if you are having a lot of people maybe open them later, but just a few just open them, people like to see her reaction to the different toys.

Hi!! I have some unsettling feelings about this topic... On one hand I get what you are saying, yet feel that it isn't right waiting to open the gifts. Some people may find that to be offensive, that you may not approve of the gift they chose for your daughter and will either dispose of it or something. Perhaps you should request that she not receive gifts this year since she is too little to know the difference anyway and request that everyone take the money they would have spent on a gift and donate the money to a children's charity or something. Still have the celebration and all of the hoopla, but just mix the traditions up alittle bit. Just my thought!!

I LOVE your idea of not making her celebration about gifts. I can tell you, though, that the 1st birthday is more for you and your extended family and friends, than the child. She won't really get a "meaning" out of it all. In fact, she most likely will be soooh tired, and if anything like most 1 year olds, cranky by the end of the day no matter what kind of party you give her. I'm not sure getting the presents later will be any more less confusing to her than when the guests are there. It is hard to have to open one, let go of it, and then open another at a party. So, afterwards would help it to be at her pace, but they are afterall, still presents, and she'll associate her wonderful life with them no matter how she gets them.
I think at a wedding, it's more because of there just not being enough time to open them, and by then, adults aren't looking for as much of a response to their gifts up front. At a child's party, I think the guests would want to enjoy seeing her delight, as part of the party experience, if gifts are involved. If you'd like her to not associate life with gifts, maybe just say "No Gifts" on the invites. That way, there won't be a focus on them at all. And I think that the idea of making her "Life" be the focus more is a wonderful one. Just an idea...When our Son turned 1, we put a CD of all his pictures from birth to 1 on Grandpa's computer, and left it going as a slide show through the party. Then friends could go in when they wanted to see his life through pictures. It was really somthing special and fun for the guests. Good luck making the party a special one, and what a blessing a little one is. Congrats on being a mommy of a 1 year old. They are so precious, aren't they?
J.

I love to buy children presents so that I can see the look of joy on their faces. I would be very dissapointed if I couldn't see the joy my gift brought your child. They are only children once and half of the excitement and joy comes from being the center of attention in a room full of people. I understand your point of view, but I think many people although understanding will be dissapointed.

Your one-year old will have no recollection of this birthday nor will she get any sense about what a birthday is about from this first birthday experience. However, if she were to remember it or understand it, I think the fact that she is getting gifts (no matter when she opens them) will probably be the part that she'd remember (along with the cake). So if you don't want it to be about the gifts, why don't you just write "no gifts please" on the invite. And you can also suggest that people who want to do something can make a donation to a charity in her name. I've done this and most of the people respected our wishes and came sans gift.

Dear K.,

My husband and I live in central Mexico now...and it is customary here at some of the Baby Showers & Birthday Parties I've been to "not to open presents" until after the guests have left. Culturally, that is the accepted protocal here from what I've been told.

However, in our country the reaction could be taken much differently only because our traditions have dictated to us over many decades that part of the excitement and joy of bearing presents is to witness the delight and surprise of the recipient, especially when it's a child.

It's a hard call for me to say either way for you. We have six grandchildren...and we'd be crushed not to see their reaction opening something special we brought for them, especially since we only see them once or twice a year now. However, we would have to respect their parent's decision irregardless our of own personal feelings about it.

Maybe you could give your guest's a call or a head's-up as to what you're plans are for the party and what you're trying to instill & accomplish in your child's life and her appreciation of it. See what their reaction is...wait on it a little...and then, base your final decision from there.

Starting a new tradition can be a good thing...but, remember our culture is very stubborn, and sometimes overtly negative when it comes to change. What you don't want to happen, is for people to show-up without a gift at future Birthday Parties for your daughter just to make a point. You would best know your guests and hopefully, no one would ever go that far. People can be more and more funny these days...and that's my point...you don't want them to be so at the expense of your child.

I wish you the best on you're decision making and I am confident you both will make the right decision on what's best for your child.

Sincerely,

M. F
San Luis Potosi

My daughter is 8 months (today! yeah!) and we plan on putting on the invites 'gifts optional'. I know our daughter really isn't going to 'get it' as far as what the day is all about. I know from other moms that most kids on their first birthday aren't really even that into opening the gifts... or they would rather play with the paper then anything else.

I think if you make the gifts secondary (by letting people decide if they want to bring one or not) and just setting an example for your daughter on how to be appreciative and and what not... then overall that's what matters.

We can't stop kids from getting excited about gifts. It's just part of being a kid. I mean heck... I get excited about a gift! So why would my daughter be any different. What is important is showing her that being grateful and thanking the person is the right thing to do. Our attitude towards 'things' is what is going to rub off on them. If we place a high priority on 'things' they will too. If we indulge them with every little thing... that is what they will want.

We teach them what is important.

I think friends and family will want to watch her open gifts ... if she is still awake... like another mommy said, they are going to be soooo tired. So much excitement... lots of people... I'm going to be surprised if my daughter makes it to gift opening time!

But definitely helping with thank you's is something that needs to happen. Again... deomonstrating appropriate behavior.

Hi K.,
You know your friends and family the best. I think some people would be offended. I personally wouldn't be offended but I LOVE watching little kids open their presents. It is so fun to watch their little faces of joy. I think that you can teach your kids to be grateful for what they have by having them do thank yous but I don't think having them open presents with just parents will make them any less excited to get them. Every child gets excited for birthday presents even if it's just one or two. Have fun and don't stress to much about this.
Chris

I have two children - a 5-year old and a 23-month old. For their first birthdays, we didn't put a hold on gifts. We held a huge celebration and child dedication party. There were gifts and cake but these were more for the enjoyment of the adults than the child. To family members who were open to it, we did request that they "go in" on a present and consequently there were fewer gifts to open. This was a good compromise for our family where we want to emphasize beauty and utility over materialism.

For my son's fifth birthday party this year I planned two parts: a "friends" party and a "family" birthday party back-to-back. Children (and their parents and any family members who wished to come) were invited to come to the Blandford Nature Center's Earth Day celebration with us. We participated in their many activities, enjoyed light snacks and cupcakes but did not open gifts. I suggested that people could send my son a card instead of purchasing a gift if they wished and informed them that we would not have a gift-opening time at the children's party. No one was offended and many people were grateful to come and enjoy the day with us without going through the traditional games-gifts-cake routine. The family party did include gift opening, but my son's joy in receiving a few presents was coupled with the joy of celebrating and playing together with friends.

I do think people expect to have gifts opened by the child at a birthday party. If you don't want to make it about the gifts, request that your guests come over to celebrate without a gift.

First I want to say I think its great that you're taking steps to tone down the materialism kids are so victm of (and I think will suffer from in the not-so-rosy economic future) And, yes, I think its the grown-ups that do it to the kids for our own pleasure and vicarious joy. However, its the way our society is right now, and to withhold that pleasure probably will offend. At 1 year old, the message is just beginning, so you have plenty of time to work on it. (Same with that 1st gorging on sugary cake to everyone's delight and applause, but thats another issue). I like the idea of staggering gift opening over the entire event. Have the giver give the gift to her and watch her open it, so its clear someone gave it to her, rather than being thrust into a wild pile of gifts with no connection to the people that loved her so much they wanted to buy her something. I think that would bring more pleasure to the giver, too. If you explain it as people arrive, they'll understand. If they've given money (which i think is the most thoughtful 1st birthday gift there is!) you could do the same thing by opening it with the giver and face to face thank them.

For the last few years we have made my son's birthday parties "no gifts please". Family still buys him presents, but I ask all other parents not to give gifts- if they really make a big deal we let them know where they can make a donation in my son's name. He feels good knowing he has helped someone else. My 2nd childs birthday is next week- and we have started the same thing.

I'm not sure what the etiquette is but as a guest at birthday parties, I feel awkward watching the honoree open gifts. What if they don't like a gift from someone? Their feelings could be really hurt. Plus that can put a break in the action. I believe it's better for the honoree to spend time with the guests. Just my opinion.