Hi. I want honest, not mean, advice please. I became friends with a woman for several years until her husband's job required they move 4 hours away. We were each other's best friend. I have visited them(staying at a hotel) twice a year since then for 5 years. We had gone a month even more without talking at times. I have realized I am always the one to call and I also realized she does not answer her phone when I call(she has it with her nearly always and I have never seen her ignore calls while with her). She calls me back after numerous attempts to reach her. I feel like maybe it is over and she is too nice to say, but I can not imagine what it could be. Yesterday, her phone died midsentence(i am assuming), but she never called back. So I called three times over the afternoon and left a message that I didn't want her to think I was hanging up on her if it was my phone. Nothing.
He is an insecure, but not abusive man. She has relatives visiting often. Plus, I was abused and know the flags.
I have decided to let her do the phoning and inviting. Her mother once told me that she noticed the husband always moves when she makes a friend. They even had a fight about it. He won't let her(I know) come visit without him and he never wants to come because he is working at his business, etc... His only friends are his brother that I know of, though they are friendly and neighborly to all. My husband and I seem to get along. The kids totally do.
I just realized they move every 2-3 years tops. They moved from here to a rental, to another rental, to a wonderful house where she organized block parties until he decided the neighborhood was going downhill. then he moved to a more expensive neighborhood where only one neighbor talks to her really and they are selling their house(if they get a buyer). She once visited me without him and we went to see her other local friends. He claimed he has anxiety without her. I doubt he hits her and her kids have no fear of him. They have switched churches again because of him(maybe once a year they switch). I never thought of abuse or control until I read your responses. I hope it is not that way, but his dad was horrid to him.
When I first started reading, I would have said stop calling, and let her make the next contact. That may still be my final advice, but the part about moving when she makes a friend sounds weird. Is he that controlling? Do you think that she isn't allowed to call you? If you think she is in a bad situation, it might be worth calling, but otherwise, I would let it go until she makes an effort.
Yeah I am the friend that never calls. A forty hour work week, taking part time college classes and a 3 year old... I love my firends, but there is only so much time in the day (even on weekends) and frankly, I have to prioritize.
Calling three times over an afternoon also seems a bit needy to me, maybe you can back off a bit and actually give her a chance to initiate contact.
I have lost a few friends because of my lack of "keeping up" with them, but I have to say my oldest and most dear friends are still around even if I don't talk to them for months and sometimes a year or two. We all have our own lives and are busy - but when we get together it's like we just saw each other yesterday.
Good luck!
Don't give up hope. Email her. I have a friend who moved many many states away. I am always the one to call her. She never answers, but I know that she is busy with twins and her husband so I don't worry. I email her once in a while and leave her a voice message once every two months or so. She doesn't often call me back but will send birthday cards and Christmas cards. At least I know that calling her as minimally as I do, at least I am doing my part to keep the friendship together. Her two or three cards a year is her way to reach out to me I think. It may not be "over" but I don't think it will be what y'all had. Don't be upset with HER, as it might be her over-controlling husband that's causing the lack of communication. Be her friend, but don't exhaust yourself doing so.
My very best friend is now in Atlanta, we have gone months without talking. We are both busy, with different schedules. it just changes. I had not physically seen her in about 12 years and then my daughter and I were in Atlanta a few years back.. we olny visited for 2 hours, but even my daughter commented, it was like we see each other every week.. We were still really close.
Do give her a chance to call you. You could even send her a note and just say, you can tell she is super busy, so you are going to let her call you next. Let her know this is not a test or any pressure, you just want to make sure you are not bothering her. and then do it.. Move on..
I have lots of best friends from all sorts of situations.. We may not see or speak with each other for really long times, but when we do, it is as though we just got off the phone that morning..
Hi K.,
Sadly, I think your friend may be "telling" you something by her lack of responsiveness. I'd stop calling and leave the ball in her court. Don't beat yourself up over it; it happens.
it becomes hard to keep a friendship going after moving away. life happens, new friends are made, new responsibilities etc. and the connection, while it is still there, it diminishes over time.
i don't think it's an abusive marriage. you would have seen the signs before she moved (bruises, fear of him coming around, kids petrified etc).
i like your idea of cooling off on phone calls for a while. same for visiting. if she wants to see you, let her make the plans. in meantime, concentrate on friends you have and friends you will make.
the reason i am more understandable of what she's doing is because i have moved too many times and all due to my husband's job. i try to stay connected to friends made, and in some cases i don't. it's not that i don't like those friends anymore, it's because life is busy as it is and i never seem to have 5 min to make a call. and also those calls are never 5 minutes so i have to just let it go sometimes.
Hi. I'm the kind of person who might be like your friend. She sounds like she's probably really busy. She probably still likes you a lot, but she's got a lot of stuff to deal with, plus she has new friends to make because it's lonely without you around. Don't worry - she still likes you. It's just harder for her to get in touch all the time.
Hello,
First off I have to say I am sorry. That is a terrible thing to happen when you are supposed to be friends.
Have you tried, when you can actually get ahold of her, telling her how you actually feel? You sound like you feel ignored and like she doesnt want to be friends. Just ask her, do you think the distance is causing us not to be friends anymore? See what she says and hope for the best. I would just honestly and openly tell her how you feel cause really, what do you have to lose? Sad to feel like your losing a friend but it happens and sometimes theres not much you can do about it but accept and move on.
It seems like your not the only one though, you said her mother said shes seen it happen so maybe its the husband feeling like if she gets too close to someone and having a friend then it will take away from his time with her.
Just ask her and be honest.
You have to do what's best for you. I've been on both sides. I moved away from my friends but then I ended up doing all the calling and that was when long distances actually cost. Now they have great long distance plans. After about 2 years of always doing the calling I let my two best friends go. I went almost 8 years I'd say without talking to them. If it wasn't for facebook it probably would have been longer. You have to decide what you can live with. I really doubt there will be any changes, so if you want to be the one always calling, seeing her that's the type of relationship you will have, and have to accept. Personally, since she is your best friend, I would cut back, let some time go by. That way she knows you still think and care about her, but also she needs to make some efforts. I do understand how hard it is to keep up with friends when you have a family. My kids keep me so busy. I also think a true friendship requires both parties giving, not just one-sided, again, my opinion. I know you miss your friend...you sure do care!
just send her a note once in a while.. and if you feel the need to call.. call once.. leave a message.. and don't call again for another month. Let her know if she ever needs you .. you will be there.. tell her she can come to you for anything... or she can call you anytime... and leave it at that.. If she is having problems with the hubby... hopefully someday she will come to you for help. I wouldn't leave her.. but drop her a line once a month.. leave a message.. or like i said send her a note.. or leave it on her phone.. and thats that. don't keep on calling ... it might be annoying.. just be there if she needs you.. good lukc
Not much you can do except stop pestering her I guess. She'll get a hold of you when she can or wants to, she is a grown woman. Moving and getting acquainted in a new place is probably taking up a lot of her time right now.... I dont talk to my besties every day either, we all have busier than busy lives.
Don't take it personally.... she obviously has problems with her Husband.
HE is controlling her.... and is abusive. That is not normal behavior... of a Husband.
Have empathy for her. Don't make it pressured for her... because, it probably creates problems for her and they fight about it... when she has a friend.
You said, you KNOW he does not let her, come and visit without him. SO...that is a REAL red-flag... to you. And a blatant hint... on what her husband is like... and her home-life.
It is sad.
She has marital problems... and her having friends... is a big problem, for her Husband. She is most likely abused... and 'cannot' keep in touch with you.
Do not take her behavior personally.... you KNOW what her Husband is like, that he is abusive and she is not "allowed" to have friends... and it creates fights with her spouse.
all the best,
Susan
.
