Beside Myself

Forgive me for being too pragmatic, but I would try to do something about the baby stuff. See if you can get to their house before she is sent home to get the baby stuff contained. Dont remove it from the house, but see if you can get it all in one room, out of the way, so she's not constantly hit in the face with what might have been.

I am so sad to hear this. My son died when he was only 17 days old so I can certainly relate. There is a book called "Empty Arms" Http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Arms-Coping-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/d... I suggest you and your friend read. It will help you to understand what your friend is going through and it may help her to feel not so alone. Loosing a child is a very isolating experience. One thing that I have learned through my son's death is that time does not heal. A child's death will still be just as awful 10 years from now. However, with time, it does get easier to cope with the loss. God bless. Your friend and her husband will be in my prayers.

The best support you can give is to listen and cry along. Let her talk. She may need to voice anger or regret or feelings of guilt or whatever happens to be her method of grieving. Just be an ear and cry along with her.

My sincerest condolences to your friend, her husband, and you.

Holly -

Most of this is copied from a post I responded to a long time ago.

My sister gave birth to a full term stillborn girl almost two years ago. It was the shock of her life, and is still the most painful thing I ever had to go through. So I can't imagine how SHE is able to get out of bed everyday.

That is wonderful that you are seeking advice on what to do and say. The things that helped my sister the most initially were meals, gift cards to restaurants, letters/cards, and phone calls. The well-meaning friends who tried to avoid her or avoid the topic (thinking they might spare her pain) only made things awkward for her later. I got a lot of help and advice through full term loss message boards on babycenter.com. These ladies have been through it and can tell you what helped them and what made them angry.

Some other things you can do to help:

1. Create a sign-up list for any friends and family who want to help with meals or chores. You can organize it, and that way, your friend doesn't have to feel like she's asking anyone for help. Lawn care, child care (if she has other children), prepared meals, and house cleaning are really helpful as she and her husband cope with their loss and the steady stream of visitors who want to express their condolences.

2. Buy her thank you cards and address them for her for when it comes time to send thanks to all the flowers, gifts, etc that people send her. (Personally, I don't think anyone should expect thank you cards in these situations, but most women feel compelled to express their gratitude anyway.)

3. Call her frequently and just let her talk. If she doesn't want to talk, just send her e-mails from time to time letting her know that you are thinking of her. Do not expect a response, but she will appreciate the gesture anyway.

4. There are many resources for her through First Candle. You can look them up for her. One thing she might want to do is have a professional photographer take photos of her with her husband and baby. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep has a list of photographers who do this for free. My sister wishes she had more pictures of her daughter. Little things like her ears, toes, and eyelashes... the memories fade over time, so it is nice to have pictures.

5. She can choose to have a funeral or let the hospital cremate the baby. Many funeral homes will perform their services for free in the case a stillborn or child. My sister let the hospital handle the cremation because she ordered an autopsy for her daughter. She held a memorial service for her daughter a few months later.

6. Things NOT to say to her:
a. This is God's plan.
b. At least you weren't attached to your baby yet.
c. Don't worry, you can have more kids.
d. I know how you feel. I had a miscarriage too.
e. You can handle this. You're so strong.
f. Better you than me. I don't know how I could go on living if this happened to me.
g. What a waste of 9 months.
h. I hope you feel better soon.
These are all things that people said to my sister. It was amazing to her how often people said these things and how nervous people were to talk to her. The best thing to say, at least initially, is "I'm so sorry for your loss. I am here for you. Please let me know what I can do for you."

I'm sorry for your friend's loss. I'm sorry for your loss as well. It is such an unimaginable tragedy that affects everyone.

I was also pregnant when my sister lost her daughter. I had nightmares the whole time about losing my own child. Your friend's loss will affect you more than you ever thought possible.

Just know that your friend will never be the same again. Every morning, she will have to wake up and realize that it wasn't just a dream, and that her baby did die. If she is acting crabby or weird, even years down the line, cut her some slack and give her some TLC. Once the initial condolences are over, a lot of people will think that it is time for your friend to move on. These are people who just don't understand. Please take care, and take good care of your friend.

Lucy

Sometimes it's best to say nothing at all.
Sit with her, listen, and yes, cry.
If her family needs help with meals, with house cleaning, grocery shopping, feeding the animals, if she has other children take them out for some ice cream. You'll know what she needs because you are a mother.
It's important to be there for your friend long after every one else has gone back to their daily lives. Continue to give her comfort and be present even if you have no words to say.
I can tell you are a wonderful friend.

Oh, H.. My heart goes out to you. I have a very good friend who had found out at 6 months that her baby had a brain tumor, and she did not have good chances of making it to term, nor to live after being born. My friend had a c-section, and was able to hold her child for one day before she passed away. It was heartbreaking for her. Although your friend's situation was a lot more unexpected, and all the more tragic, I do know how you feel. Sometimes their are no words, only gestures and presence. Being physically there for her , and supporting her during this time says so much more then what words would anyways. Some times though, she will want to be left a lone, and that is okay to. Give her whatever she needs at that moment whether it's space or being close. She will need a great deal of support, understanding, and freedom to express what she feels at any given moment. Meals cooked are a blessing.
I am telling you this as my friend had told me after..It might be hard for her to be around you for a while as well. My friend continues to have difficulties being around other pregnant women, and babies. It reminds her of what she lost. I understand how you feel guilty, but wanted you to just be prepared for that, and do not take it personally it. It is a part of the grieving process. You also had future memories and things to share and enjoy too. It will be hard for you as well . Will be sending thoughts of support and peace to you and your friend.

I am so sorry for your friends loss. Recently the city that I live right next to ( and go into for all of our shopping and entertainment needs) was hit by a category E5 tornado. A friend of mine lost her 12 year old son, and my sister had friends of the family lose the dad and a 19 month old and a 5 year old. I did not know what you were supposed to say in a situation where words seemed so inadequate for so great a loss...another friend gave me this advice : A friend is not someone who doesn't know what to say and says nothing, a friend doesn't know what to say, yet still says something. What is said is not important.....................................Life, does go on, and your friend knows this. While hearing about your newborn may be a bit of a painful reminder, she will still be happy for you. I do not see why you would not continue on being friends with her, just be supportive.

Oh my gosh - this story just breaks my heart. I am so sorry for the loss. Please - just be with her. Not only did she lose her precious little child, she had surgery, and will be going through the hormonal changes after the delivery......she's going to have a rough road ahead - just be with her. Hold her hand, hug her, cry with her, etc.

The best things have already been said... the only 2 I'll add:

- Grief does strange things to people, and it's DIFFERENT with every person. Whatever she says take her at her word... with salt. Meaning; if she says she wants to be left alone, say 'Okay, but I'll call in an hour/ this evening/ tomorrow morning (whatever seems appropriate) just in case you change your mind.' Don't push her to be with people if she wants to be alone, but leave the door open. If she WANTS to be around people, believe that as well. Another example: Some might want to go through every piece of baby gear themselves, others couldn't stand to touch it. ASK before you do anything (except food, & or getting them a deep freeze... when there's a surplus of food... it often goes bad).

- Don't forget the grandparents. Even if you aren't close, a card or meal for THEM as well is hugely appreciated. They've just suffered 2 losses: the loss of their grandchild and the devastation of their child. Any parent can imagine how they would feel to see their OWN baby hurting as much as your friend is hurting right now.

So sad. Cook her some meals and take them to her. She's had a major operation and will need some looking after. Let her talk and debrief. After a death, people usually remember the bereaved's loss for three weeks, however it lasts much much longer for the bereaved. Acknowledging that, while providing a distraction with everyday trivial things will help.

I am so sorry for your loss and of course for you friend losing her baby boy. There is nothing that you can do or say right or wrong. Just be there. It's gonna take her awhile to be normal. My sister died two years ago and my mom is just starting to feel a little normal. It is so unbelievably hard to lose a child, and I think in a tragic accident it is even worse. Just love her, make her some food and let her lead how the dynamic of your friendship goes. If she needs to pull away, let her, but be there when she wants to come back. She will be going through the stages of grief but no two people are the same in how they process that. After my sister died my mom went to a group called Griefshare. She said it helped a lot to be around people who had all experienced a loss and helped her understand what she was going through. There are so many commonalities, like people who have suffered loss can't handle big groups for a while, stuff like that where she felt relief to know what was happening to her wasn't her going crazy, it was just a part of the process. IF you friend opens up and says she needs some help to get through, here is the website: http://www.griefshare.org/findagroup. I wish you the best, and I am very sorry for your friend.

This happened to a close friend of mine (one in which I nannied for her oldest child 2 years too)... They opted NOT to have an autopsy - which I never understood. They had baby #3 almost 2 years later and the baby was born with the same problem!! Thankfully they had been prepared (as was the hospital) and the baby was stabilized and was able to be diagnosed and treated. She's now turning a year old next week ( I also nannied for the newborn!).

It was hard... on everyone who knew them. Lots of didn't know what to say, do you cry with them, do you act like nothing happened? I said very little other than I'm here if you need me. I went to the Memorial Service and held and cried with the Mom and Dad. I stayed in contact with them weekly, just called to see how the family was doing, etc...

you've gotten some great responses. it might also help your friend to someday begin to educate other families about the dangers of unnecessary medical interventions, to possibly save the life of someone else's child in the future.

i'm so sorry for what you and she and the family are going through.

One of our closest friends delivered a still born baby boy, 14 years ago this month.

An autopsy was performed and other than their son having two toes "webbed" together - they could find NOTHING wrong.

Our friends were TOTALLY depressed - who wouldn't be -but they managed...a few years later they had another baby - they have 4 kids total - 20, 18, 16 and 10...still married. It's tough to get through the loss of a baby...

I know what you mean about saying "sorry" - there isn't much to say - just hug them and tell them you are here for them. That's what we did....

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