Cord Wrapped Around Baby's Neck - How to Help Friend

My sister gave birth to a full term stillborn girl almost two years ago. It was the shock of her life as well, and is still the most painful thing I ever had to go through. So I can't imagine how SHE is able to get out of bed everyday.

That is wonderful that you are seeking advice on what to do and say. The things that helped my sister the most initially were meals, gift cards to restaurants, letters/cards, and phone calls. The well-meaning friends who tried to avoid her or avoid the topic (thinking they might spare her pain) only made things awkward for her later. I got a lot of help and advice through full term loss message boards on babycenter.com. These ladies have been through it and can tell you what helped them and what made them angry.

Some other things you can do to help:

1. Create a sign-up list for any friends and family who want to help with meals or chores. You can organize it, and that way, your friend doesn't have to feel like she's asking anyone for help. Lawn care, child care (if she has other children), prepared meals, and house cleaning are really helpful as she and her husband cope with their loss and the steady stream of visitors who want to express their condolences.

2. Buy her thank you cards and address them for her for when it comes time to send thanks to all the flowers, gifts, etc that people send her. (Personally, I don't think anyone should expect thank you cards in these situations, but most women feel compelled to express their gratitude anyway.)

3. Call her frequently and just let her talk. If she doesn't want to talk, just send her e-mails from time to time letting her know that you are thinking of her. Do not expect a response, but she will appreciate the gesture anyway.

4. There are many resources for her through First Candle. You can look them up for her. One thing she might want to do is have a professional photographer take photos of her with her husband and baby. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep has a list of photographers who do this for free. My sister wishes she had more pictures of her daughter. Little things like her ears, toes, and eyelashes... the memories fade over time, so it is nice to have pictures.

5. She can choose to have a funeral or let the hospital cremate the baby. Many funeral homes will perform their services for free in the case a stillborn or child. My sister let the hospital handle the cremation because she ordered an autopsy for her daughter. She held a memorial service for her daughter a few months later.

6. Things NOT to say to her:
a. This is God's plan.
b. At least you weren't attached to your baby yet.
c. Don't worry, you can have more kids.
d. I know how you feel. I had a miscarriage too.
e. You can handle this. You're so strong.
f. Better you than me. I don't know how I could go on living if this happened to me.
g. What a waste of 9 months.
h. I hope you feel better soon.
These are all things that people said to my sister. It was amazing to her how often people said these things and how nervous people were to talk to her. The best thing to say, at least initially, is "I'm so sorry for your loss. I am here for you. Please let me know what I can do for you."

I'm sorry for your friend's loss. I'm sorry for your loss as well. It is such an unimaginable tragedy that affects everyone. The babycenter boards have a lot of links to resources for your friend. If you'd rather not join BBC, I can e-mail the links I have to you. Take care, and take good care of your friend.

I'm sure that as long as you are there for her the actual words will not matter so much. Just be with her.

Also, just because it may be helpful to know, the cord is around the baby's neck about 25% of the time so that may not be the reason the baby died. There are many causes of late pregnancy loss that can include things like infection. I only mention it because she may be full of what-if's and the cord may not be the reason at all. It might be more comforting for her to focus on something else and if they choose to have an autopsy, to learn the reason then.

Your letter is so heart wrenching. No one is expecting you to have the right words to say. Just knowing that you are the person who was supposed to be "an on-call person" tells me that you must be someone who is so special to her. What a wonderful friend you are.

Just be there. Hold her hand. Love her as a friend. I wouldn't hypothesize about how the baby died - leave that to the doctors, whether it's from a cord or infection, right now... she doesn't care. Months from now, when no body else knows what to say and less people acknowledge her loss - make sure you are still a very strong presence in her life. Keep in touch often. Don't let her fall down a dark hole - just keep picking her up. This is going to be so hard for you, too. My heart goes out to you.

Really, so terribly sorry.

I work as the labor and delivery chaplain for the hospital in my area, and run a support group for moms who have lost a child through miscarriage or stillbirth. trying to find out if there is a group like that in your area might help.
The last poster had a lot of great suggestions! The most important thing for many of the moms I have worked with is having a chance to talk. Eventually, most people start to expect parents to move on and don't want to keep hearing about the baby they lost, but moms still want to talk. I have a mom in my group who carries her son's picture in her purse still, 2 years after her son was stillborn. The other thing they have shared with me is that they want to be recognized as still being a mom. Remember her on Mother's day. Just listen and be there for her and don't try to avoid talking about it. It's better to acknowledge the pain than to ignore it because you're afraid of bringing up a painful subject.

I have nothing to add, but Lucy F GREAT advice and suggestions. I'm so sorry.