High Maintenance Babies

I think a lot of kids are like that at that age, but I get what you're saying.

Actually, my DD was easy up until age 2, then she got very challenging. She still is "spirited" & stubborn & full of sass. This is her personality & I don't see it changing anytime soon.

That being said, I have never let her rule the roost, so the speak. A difficult personality in a child is no excuse to let them control you & every situation. As a parent, you have to set boundaries & follow through with consequences, while letting them have control over things that don't really matter in the long run.

Sounds like both of my daughters! Hang in there! People always think that the parent's are "letting the child get away with" the behavior but the truth is that some kids are just way more active, outgoing, loud and difficult to control! I think that well-behaved, quiet kids are boring! :)

My oldest son was like that. It's not parenting, it's temperament. I love how some parents who have naturally easy-going kids credit their own parenting instead of realizing that they just lucked out. I think that having a "spirited" child first made me more patient and compassionate. My other kids were very easy babies - if I had them first I probably would have been smug too. Luckily I had my toughest one first, along with a good dose of humility.

You and I are in the same boat. I'm a prisoner in my own home because my son is a terror when we go out. We have a vacation coming up and I don't want to go because it will be stressful. I feel for you. I too get dirty looks all the time because I cannot shut my kid up or control him. My son is exactly like your daughter. He'll be 2 next month. He's been high maintenance since the day he was born. Here are some of my suggestions that work for me. When I have to go grocery shopping, I carry a bunch of dum-dum suckers in my purse and constantly give one to him. I let him select a sucker and it keeps him quiet. I also carry a pretty big purse to carry snacks and drinks if I'm going on an outing or running errands. Also, I bought a backpack harness for him from Target for about $10. It's in the kids section. If we go walking, I have him on the harness. Additionally, I'm on anti-anxiety meds to help me deal with his "spiritness."

I'll be looking at your responses. I need more suggestions too!

She sounds like my second son. He is forever on the move, never wants to sit still, always into something and he's 4 now. He would do the same thing in the cart, but I never took him out. When he realized he wasn't getting out, then he calmed down. I just continued to talk to him as if he wasn't crying. I really didn't/don't care what others thought. He still pulls his fits every now and again, but he knows what I say, goes. Kids are going to have their moments. This world has come to think that kids should always behave no matter what the age. When I get looks from other people, I usually just smile at them.

Your daughter sounds exactly like mine at that age, she was extremely high maintenance from day 1, her "terrible twos" were loooong, and she was a terror (or rather, she tried to be) from 18 months to 3.5.

Basically, i began not giving in to her at all by 18 months. On one hand she was super intelligent, changed her own diaper so I knew she was ready to potty train, (at least the peeing, pooping took until she was 3) and her vocabulary, counting, and ability to hold full conversations with anyone was astounding. But she was, as you say, "spirited", and had already learned how to get her way. Our pediatrician was the one who said his advice was to start training her to behave, at 17 months.

So, I began teaching her what "no" meant in regards to what she was allowed to do, told her what was expected of her at home or when we went shopping, on walks, to restaurants, etc., and she was expected to follow the rules or there were swift consequences like time outs or losing a privilege. If she acted up or began to scream I took her outside, made sure she wasn't hungry, thirsty or needing to potty, talked to her about her behavior and what she needed to do, and we then went back in to finish what we'd been doing, we didn't leave. By the time my friends with children her age began pulling their hair out from their toddler's antics, they marveled at how well-behaved my daughter was.

It wasn't annoying when other mothers complained about children like her or their moms, because I didn't want her to be that way, either! I never wanted sympathy or understanding, because other parents have their own issues to deal with. She was healthy, bright, and a natural learner, and I thanked God for those things. I had options, to deal with her and her behavior, or lack thereof. I don't feel badly for moms with children like her, I feel badly for the kids who are allowed to be that way.

Yes, it took a LOT of work on my part, my older child, a son, had been so easy-going and obedient. But I had to be consistent each and every time and follow through on what I'd said, or she would have walked all over me. And when she was about 15 she told me that she appreciated the way I didn't let her get away with things from the time she was little like other parents did. She was very insightful : )

My 27 month old is a handful, not nearly as difficult as her, though, and we've been working on his behavior for sometime as well. The more set in their ways they get, the harder it is to undo the behavior, I guess I want to deal with it now, rather than later ; )

My son sounds a lot like that! He is VERY busy, active, noisy, climby...you name it! I do have similar issues at the grocery store too and I try to take snacks and toys to keep him entertained if necessary. I, however, have no problem walking around the store with a crying baby. I get that it's annoying but I gotta get my shopping done too and I'm not going to give into his demands. Now I will say that this scenario rarely happens, but it has, and I plug on! I think it's terrible that other mothers would not understand this and talk down upon that friend...terrible. If I were in a restaurant or something like that, I wouldn't let him carry on like that, but I think it's different. I think you are doing the right things and hopefully it won't be like this forever! ;) I think around 2-2.5 things get a little easier b/c they can communicate more and understand more.

My daughter was exactly like you describe. She did everything early from climbing out of her crib at 7 mos. to hanging from the top of the swingset by her knees at age 2. She was highly emotional about everything. At 2 1/2, our pediatrician said she was ADHD and put her on a med. I used it, but got her off at age 6 when I found out she had a visual problem causing her short attention span. Vision therapy corrected that. However, she was and is today a highly emotional person. It's part of her personality! Many people suggested we weren't disciplining her. We did and often. It just didn't make any difference. I didn't take her to many things because I just couldn't deal with the struggle. She was our first, adopted at age 5 days, and I immediately got pregnant and had our 2nd by the time she was 9 1/2 mos old. The third followed 23 mos later. So I actually had 3 babies in 3 years. Our other two were the exact opposite of her. I actually took #2 to the pediatrician to see why she wasn't more active. He laughed and said she was NORMAL, but #1 was not! You'll have to develop a tough skin where other people are concerned. They just don't have a clue what you are going through. She will grow up and probably will be a wonderful person. I am actually closer to my #1 than the other two in many ways. We have a good friendship. She holds no resentment toward me for anything I had to do to control her. I can't say the same for the other two. They carry a bag of resentment about other things. I just did the best I knew how with what I had to work with. I even wrote in their baby books when they were born, "I will do my best and you'll have to forgive me if it's not enough." Oh, and I did pray a lot! You might read DARE TO DISCIPLINE by James Dobson. I learned a few things that helped me deal with my strong-willed daughter.
Good luck.

Try not to worry about what other people are thinking, and just continue to do your best with your spirited child. Most people probably ARE sympathetic, they are just the quiet majority. As for you, just hang in there, and trust yourself. Things will get better.

My first one was my 'high-demand' baby. In fact, he was so high-demand, that he was rejected by his first nanny! I remember looking at other moms with their babies, and wondering how they made it all seem so easy. Even though I thought my challenges were largely due to my baby's unique personality, part of me still wondered if I was just doing something wrong. Well, now my high-demand baby, is an extremely precocious 4 year-old, who is also polite, well-behaved, and incredibly fun. He is still emotionally volatile, but together we've learned how to stave off and diffuse his negative emotions quickly. The last time my parents visited our house, they gave me the best compliment: they were impressed by how I spoke to my son, to help him understand and control his emotions.

My second child was the sunny, 'easy' baby. His disposition is just completely different from my first son's, and while I'm sure he'll give me his own special challenges, he deals with change, emotions, and entertaining himself so much better than my first son. Kids are just different, and there's no point blaming the mother (even/especially if that is yourself!) for challenging behavior.

Yep. Exactly what J.B. said.
My first was a very high maintenance baby and is now a very high maintenance 5 yr. old.
I love the looks I get. I mean, really, I hate them, because I cannot control my child's personality...but what can you do.
I try and remind myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He gave me this specific child to raise. So I better learn to embrace it. :)
My 2nd child has been her complete opposite. :)
Thank you. Lord!

I've been there. Sounds like you are doing a fine job and wouldn't worry too much about what other mother's are saying. There are so many critics out there, let the "know it all's" have their opinion...it can only bother you if you allow it to. Just concentrate on doing what's best for YOUR child and enjoy her!

I feel ya! My daughter at about 17 months old would wake up in the morning and immediately scream "Mama! Come get me......NOW!" My boys didn't know the word "now" at that age, and would just wake and play in their cribs for a while! I stopped taking her to grocery stores, etc and learned to stock up when I had a babysitter. I've always pitied her boyfriends because she is still high maintenance! Her stubborness and self determination were helpful during her teen years. A low grade would freak her out! And No One was going to make her feel she needed to smoke or do something she didnt want to do to be cool. She'll never be bullied or a victim!

I will tell you what worked for my stubborn little one at the grocery store. You have to stand your ground. Basically, if she starts throwing a fit, you just stand still... You tell her, "Until you get over this and be quiet, we will not move." Stay quiet and just wait. When she goes silent, move the cart. If she starts up again, stop. She has to learn consequences for her actions and 18 months is NOT too early. My daughter learned this at 11 months.

As for home, It's the same thing. If she throws a fit, you pick her up and put her in time out for 2 minutes not saying a word to her until the time out is over. Then you tell her, you did 'A' so you get a time out... I love you... now let's start over.

The thing about the hotel room... when this happens, take her into the bathroom and turn on the light. Bathrooms are a little more sound proof at hotels. Also, I highly recommend a Spoka night light (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/90150995) for home and travel. It can be unplugged so they can hold it if they need to and it gives a friend from home.

Good luck and try not to get too frustrated. You have a lot on your plate with two that small. It's ok! And, believe me, not all moms are judging you. Those of us who know the challenge are right there with you!

I feel you! Your post could have been speaking about my daughter, who is now 2 1/2 and still just as high maintenance as she was the day she was born. She has been screaming, crying, fussing, yelling, demanding, etc since she was an infant. I have tried absolutely every type of discipline, redirection and award system and none of it seems to make any difference. I hate how other mothers look at me sometimes, makes me feel like the worst mother, when really I try so hard. Anyway, hopefully you have read "the spirited child" it might help some!

Girl! I have four kids and one of them tries my ever-lovin' patience. She is the most darling little thing, but she will not listen, she will not behave and she is just plain strong-willed! Both of her older brothers are well-mannered and quite even-tempered (they all have their moments of course), even the boys go nuts with her taking toys, hollering, throwing things, pulling their hair. She is a maniac!

Needless to say, I do know part of it is an age thing that over time she will learn to manage. We have discovered that she hates to be put on the couch so that has managed her craziness a bit. She is finally saying please and thank you, and using a nice tone of voice instead of barking demands but it has been a major haul!

My best advice to you is, find the one thing that makes your daughter pay attention to her actions. Like my daughter's thing was being put on the couch. I will promise you that the first month or so, your tactic will not work very well but if you stick with it and remain majorly firm she will come around. You do have to be insanely consistent. For the longest time I found myself caving because I didn't want to hear it. As soon as I sent her to the couch when she was out of line she quit the behavior all together.

Now the overall down part to this idea is your daughter's age. She is a bit young to really get it so you may try and see how it goes but you may have to hit it hard when she hits 2.

As far as vacationing, We always have the two older boys together for sleeping and keep the girls in bed with us. I know it sounds crazy but that is how we make sure no one gets up and freaks out.

Good luck!

I agree - people can be very judgemental. I don't think they mean to be "mean", just haven't been there in our shoes. My favorite saying is "just don't allow him to throw a fit or be loud or "escape" the cart. Just smile and move on.... They just don't get it!

That sounds just like my kids! You should find the book "Parenting the Fussy Baby & High Need Child." Some kids just need more of everything, but they give more too. Just keep reminding yourself that their kids are different, so their parenting style wouldn't work on your child. Good luck & hang in there.

She can learn behavior causes consequences. The other moms had some good advice for that. I would add: put her on a leash. I know it sounds bad but my daughter went through a bad phase where she screamed every time she had to be confined in a stroller or cart. She wanted to walk but didn't want to hold my hand. When we went to the mall, Target, etc. I put the harness and leash on her and let her walk. She was much happier. Also, she was allowed to touch stuff in the store but only with 1 finger. It helped a lot.

My 18 month old DD is the same way. When she starts having a fit, I explain (loudly enough that others can hear) that she can't get out of the cart because it's not safe. As we continue shopping she gives up and stops screaming. I just try to remember that I'm not the only mom to deal with tantrums, and that my perfect angel (lol) is not too young to learn how to behave. Also, this is just another stage in development and will pass over time. Good luck.

As difficult as it is...believe me..I know...my son is very "spirited" I do partly blame myself because I need to be more firm and "consistent". I hate that word..it is harder than it looks when your child is "spirited" and you are tired just going about your day and errands etc but I truly believe what parenting professionals suggest on the subject. It makes sense that if we are not consistent it causes confusion and toddlers truly don't know what is acceptable behavior. Good Luck