Behavioral Problems with 5 Year Old Daughter

Kids are looking for boundaries - they need to know how far they can go. It doesn't sound like you have provided consistent boundaries and she is pushing the envelope trying to find out when you'll draw the line! The eating didn't do it, so now it's the bathroom thing.

I would sit her down tomorrow morning and tell her that this will not be tolerated any longer. Then when/if she poos or pees her pants, she cleans up the mess BY HERSELF. (You will, of course, have to go back in and do it again, but don't let her know/see that.) When she's done with that, straight to her bed. She will stay in bed until tomorrow. You can bring her food, but allow her only 10 minutes to eat, then the food comes out. Don't try to coax her to eat; either she does or she doesn't, but nothing after the meal until the next meal.

She has to know that this is where the line is drawn. If you aren't consistent, you will continue dealing with this until she finds some other way to push the envelope.

She's begging for consistent discipline - give it to her!

If she is fine with others and listens to them why is she not eating for the babysitter? It seems she is in total control with you and your husband. She is doing anything she can to upset you both on purpose. Children behave like you expect them to behave most of the time. They act how you expect them to act. When you say 'we are going to go to the store and you will behave so and so way' she knows you mean it and if she doesn't then take her home and do whatever discipline you use to let her know you mean it. If she won't eat then say ' We would love to talk with you and love you but fine you may get down and go to your room'. See that she does it. If she is ready to come and eat like a child her age she will come. I had a child stand in the bedroom in the dark for about half an hour recently because he refused to lay down at my house. I said he could stand there all night if he wanted but he was not to come out of the room. Finally he called and was ready to be 'put to bed' and of course I did and kissed him and yet he knew I meant it. My grandson also knows I love him very much. It isn't mean to be firm. You have to do this for your sake and also for her sake and you will have to both, you and your husband, work together on this. Be kind, firm, consistent and it is major work. But you can do it and all will be happier including your daughter. She just doesn't know it yet!

So she CAN behave, she just won't with you.

She's asking for a ton of attention, and she's willing to take negative attention. Don't give it to her.

See if you can find a family counselor who will work with you and your husband to get you both on exactly the same page and help you develop a strategy of parenting that you can agree to and be consistent about. It's often easier to give in to a whiny child for the moment without realizing that it causes more trouble later on. You could also get a book from a source you respect - "How to Talk so Kids will Listen" is an oldie, and I think Dr. Phil may have something out there too. Use your library before you buy anything.

If she doesn't behave in the store, put her in the car strapped into her seat, and say the car isn't moving until she stops screaming. Get out of the car and stand outside if you have to. If she acts that way in a restaurant, take her home. Now. No third and fourth and eighth chances.

Get down at her level and look her in the eye, calmly saying "I can see that you are angry. I can see that you are upset." Get her to tell you what she is upset about if you can. She may not have the verbal skills yet but keep trying. Say "I love you. I will talk to you when you stop screaming and hitting." If she hits, protect yourselves and restrain her until she stops. Don't talk, don't yell, don't let her hurt you or herself.

If she doesn't want to eat, she doesn't eat. You cannot force her. Give her a select amount of time (she's 5, so maybe 5 minutes) and then let her get down. Use "All done? Okay, you may be excused." Send her away from the table and put away her food. If she is hungry later, THAT'S the food she gets. No treats, no rummaging through the fridge. She can eat or not eat, that's her decision. What to serve is YOUR decision. No child ever starved because of a tantrum. She needs to learn what she gets to control and what she doesn't. Don't get to the point of gagging and throwing up - that's an area within HER control and you cannot fight it, so do not even get engaged in that struggle. She may do it to the babysitter because she knows the sitter works for you. The schoolteachers she knows work for someone else and she's not trying to manipulate them to get at you.

Putting her in a corner may not be effective - you can't keep her there without physically restraining her, so it's within her control.

Finding out what is going on at night would be helpful. I would not put any child in bed after letting them fall asleep elsewhere as it CAN be frightening and it feels deceptive to them. She needs to learn to calm herself down, at night, in stores, at the table. That can't happen until you figure out what the triggers are.

And get your husband's company, or the pediatrician, to recommend a psychologist who DOES accept her coverage. I'm not sure why she has different coverage than you do - perhaps there is a disability involved that you haven't mentioned. In any case, whatever provider you have who accepts your coverage should be able to refer you appropriately. Be insistent and demand the services to which she is entitled. Use the school psychologist as a resource as well.

Go to your local library or bookstore and get the book 1 2 3 Magic. There are a lot of good tips in there for dealing with difficult behavior and how you react to it is the key to it stopping or continuing on every day. It's a short read so i recommend you and your husband read it together and decide what tools you will implement. Even in you read a chapter a night, there's different tools in each chapter that you can immediately put to use. I don't do all of what they say but it takes the "politics" out of dealing with bad bahavior. I but if you implement some of the techniques, she'll figure out quickly that you mean business. But get you and your husband on the same page so you're both doing the same things. Good luck!!

It sounds like she is not being heard so she is getting your attention the only way she knows how...by acting out.

I would also say that you could benefit from taking some Love and Logic classes if you can find them free in your area. They are often offered by local schools or by a community mental health facility.

In this instance, where she is running around the store, you either start putting her in the basket when you walk in the door , have someone come get her and take her to the car as soon as she does not listen, or you leave her at home after telling her she is not going because she chose to not mind the last time you went. She could go the next time but she will test the new boundary you have set and if she finds it to be shaky or not enforced you have to start over. She is not able to do this and you are not teaching her anything by letting her run around and not mind.

Someone recommended magic 123 which is a great source and it may help. the most important thing tho is consistency. In school and other classes she knows exactly what to expect and they are completely and totally consistent which is easy for them as it is a short duration and everything is set out/planned and pretty much the same as far as expectations go daily at these places. At home there is little consistency unless you have a set schedule which the majority of people do not, for example every day you both get home from work, one parent cooks while the other reads to child then eat dinner together then a parent gives a bath while other parent cleans up dishes, then all play a game together or some other activity and then one parent reads a story to child and puts them to bed. This would have to be the done exactly the same every day. Working parents, even stay at home parents rarely have something so specific daily. So you can choose something like this which will likely help, but if it won't work for your family you basically need to have consistent expectations and consistently not allow misbehaviors. For example she is acting up at the store, you leave and place her in a quiet place for time out. If she is peeing herself same rule, she goes in time out immediately. The difficult thing for you is this is going to take a lot of extra time at first since you will need to leave the store temporarily and you may need to leave the store 10 times the first visit, but after a few times she will get it and stop the negative behaviors. Being consistent is really hard, and it is time consuming not something to be taken on lightly. If you do this and don't do it every time it will not work as well and may not work at all. She also may need clear rules you can write them out for her even if she can't read yet, you point to each one and read it for her and then she gets consequences when she doesn't follow the rule. Rules are things like no running in houses or stores or any building. No running in parking lots. Sitting nicely in public places. Not being loud or yelling or crying/tantruming. Now it sounds like she does multiple behaviors when out so you may want to choose one to start with, and then when she gets that one go to the others, and if you do them all at once it may be you are walking out of stores/houses every minute. So tackle the most difficult ones first, write them out and hold her to it. At home have clear written rules again, show her and consistently discipline, you don't have to use time outs but whatever discipline you choose but it must be consistent every time and it will take a huge time commitment from you. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. So if you can't make that commitment of time, you can do it partially but it will probably not have the desired results and the other choice is to live with the behavior. Rules for home include things like sitting at the table until excused, using the appropriate bathroom facilities, not hitting or punching ever, staying in own bed, etc. And the other key besides being consistent is to never ever give her a reaction like yelling or getting upset or crying or showing frustration when she does misbehave even if you are at your wits end don't yell, or scream or cry or throw up your arms or show any reaction to her behaviors other than a simple you broke the rule, now you do the time out. Often a negative reaction reinforces the behavior, kids brains are wired funny like that. Not like us who don't want the negative reaction. They are often seeking a reaction any reaction, and the reaction that will work to stop it is the one that is most unpleasant for them which means not getting an emotional reaction from you but a calm disciplinary reaction. It won't happen overnight and the first week is going to be horrible for both of you. Every child gets it at different rates, some get it in one day others take two weeks. So don't give up stay consistent but make the time in your schedule ahead of time and plan to spend all of your free time on this and all of your not so free time. Both parents and the babysitter also need to do the same thing or the behavior won't change as quickly and then will only change for the one doing it. Just like at school where she is so good it will only be for the person doing it, but if the others don't she will test you out longer and it will go slower. So I recommend doing all together and getting everyone to make the time commitment for at least a week.

Hi H.,

If your little daughter is an angel in school and naughty at home, that means that she needs you change your behavior, that means the way you respond to her each time she does the things you mentioned, and just the way you act daily. Surely, your little one needs a lot more structure and routine than what she has now. let her know she has boundaries:
The first naughty thing she does, let her know (without anger or yelling) that is not allowed or it is bad behavior.
Speak clearly and calmly looking at her eyes. Then make her go to a room or a chair (you have to find the best quiet place and at your sight)where she will have her time out.
Let her know that she will be there every time she doesn't obey or misbehave.
Every single time she tries to get out or goes to another room, you will hold her (firmly but carefully) and you will put her back; you will say to her that every time she doesn't behave she will have consequences.
Do it, and remember that any disciplinary action has to be consistent and firm without yelling and showing guilt or anger.
Most of these problems are caused by our own attitude and behavior, and the opposite is also true. The more we let our children to do what they want, the more difficult will be to discipline them. the more we show them we are in charge and there is no way, they will obey us.
Star now, show her limits, do not yell, the more you yell the more she will do the opposite, do not show her you are desperate, she knows and she feels that she is in control and that works. She is still a precious little one, so be patient but firm, discipline doesn't have to be harsh, that is not discipline but consistency in keeping rules is, she will learn the rules, just repeat them over and over.
On another hand, if you feel you don't spend too much time with her (that happens to all moms and it is normal, we are busy...)try to take aside some minutes just for her, read together, take a walk, build legos, laugh and enjoy her as much as you can...that will help a lot as well.
Parenting is really hard, but every time you feel the way you feel now, just remember that it is just for her own good.Good luck!