Bed Time for 3 Year Old Is a Nightmare

The supernanny (I like reality tv) had a show about something like this last season. A little girl refused to stay in her own bed and ended up sleeping with mom and dad each night. If I remember correctly, Jo had them adopt a graduated system. The first time the girl got out of bed, they gave her what she wanted and put her back to bed. The second time, they said, "No. It's bedtime. You need to go to bed." And from then on out, they just put her back to bed without saying anything. That's the important part. No eye contact. No comment. No variation. Just put her back to bed until she stayed there. I guess the technique denied her the attention she wanted because after a couple of nights, they didn't have a problem anymore.

When my son started doing this sort of thing, we tried something I read somewhere and it worked for him. We gave him a pass of some sort. It was good for one visit to Mom and Dad. Once we tucked him in and gave him all the things he needed, he was allowed one use of the pass. Then we took it from him and he wasn't allowed to get out of bed again that night. He got it again the next night. This gave him some control and he knew he was allowed to get out of bed if he really needed something. We didn't need to use it for very long before he stopped trying to get out of bed unless it was really necessary.

Hi T.,
I don't know if this will work, but I saw on Nanny 911 or Supernanny two parents who were also tired of their three-year-old constantly getting out of bed, demanding different drinks, etc. Anyway, the first time she got out of bed, they took her back in and said something like, "It's nighttime sweetie, time to go to sleep." The second time they said something like, "It's time for sleep" and each subsequent time they wordlessly picked her up and put her back into bed without any reaction whatsoever, ignoring any of her requests or screaming. They did this for about three nights and she stopped getting up after that. Maybe it would work for you? Good luck!

Hello T.: My daughter turned 3 in Feb and she was doing exactly the same thing - we've figured out how to address it and now it will come in spurts, she'll be great and then she'll test the whole thing again it seems. We have been very successful in using Supernanny's Staying in Bed Technique. The key is to make sure she has what she may need - she's gone potty, she has a cup of water, she has her stuffed animals, etc. Then you simply do this: The first time she gets out of bed (usually within a minute or two of going down right? ;0) escort her back and explain kindly but firmly that it is bedtime and she needs to stay in bed. Give a small cuddle and then leave. The second time, put her back in bed again and say "it's bedtime". One other cuddle, then leave. The third time, just put her back in bed. No words, no cuddles, no attention. Every other time is the same way. No talking, no conversation, no debate. Just very matter of fact. Also, whichever parent puts the child to bed must be the one to follow through on this. If you use a reward system, you can also reward her in the morning with a star on her star chart for a trouble-free night.

By the way - I highly recommend that you eliminate any TV before bedtime. It has been shown to stimulate rather than calm. If you want her to enjoy some educational TV, do that in the morning after breakfast or before lunchtime. For bedtime, stick to the reading and add a book if you would like to lengthen your routine. We always do 2 books before bed.

Hope this helps. All I can say is that with consistency, it does pass and it won't take but 2-3 nights.

T.,

It sounds like somewhere along the way she's learned the message that "if I get out of bed I get more interaction from Mom and Dad". There is a great technique though that will get her back in bed and sleeping again. Yes, it's from Super Nanny, but has worked great with my 4 1/2 year old when he does this.

1) Do your normal bed time routine and put her in bed.
2) The first time she gets out of bed and wanders tell her, "It's bedtime <insert endearment here>" and put her back in bed.
3) The second time she gets out of bed and wanders tell her, "It's bedtime" and put her back in bed.
4) The third and consecutive times she gets out of bed to wander say nothing and just place her back in bed.

On the show I've seen the struggle go on for 3+ hours before, but it only lasted a night or two and the kids got the picture about bed time.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

We went through a similar thing with my soon to be 4yo. Its all a phase! Which does not help when you are going through it so hang in there.

Personally, I would nix the movie all together and just read to her. The other thing we did was to put him back to bed with no discussion or talk. Just lead her, firmly and kindly, back to bed, re-cover, leave. You may have to do it many, many times for a few nights, but she will get the idea you are not playing that game anymore. Consistancy, kindness and firmness is what helped us for the 2 - 3 weeks it lasted. Good luck.

Oh, trials and tribualtions of motherhood huh? I was having this problem and I read this solution that worked to the "T". First, keep the routine, as someone who has lost the routine, I miss it. Second, I was told to put the child in bed and promise that you would be back in to see her in 2 minutes. AS LONG AS SHE STAYS IN BED. If she gets up you will not hug and kiss and be lovey and praise her. You will just march her back in and say the same thing again, being careful not to show emotion when this happens. If it works be lovey, kissy and encouraging. Then tell her you will return in 5 minutes to tuck her in again and give her more praises etc. Do this about 3-4 times making the time a little longer each time. Most of the time she will be asleep by the 3rd or 4th check. You may have to do this a couple of nights or up to a week. By then she will be waiting for you to come in and fall promptly asleep, depending on how tired she is. Most of the time if we can keep them in down mode for a few minutes they will drop off to sleep. I have to say this worked perfect for me. I hope it does the same for you. What can it hurt? Good luck.

figure out what she really likes (with the exception of a bedtime blanky or a VERY special stuffed animal). When you put her to bed, tell her that if she gets out of bed then the next day she cannot have the thing, watch the tv show, what ever it is that makes her tick. If she gets out of her bed, the next day, STICK TO YOUR GUNS and DO NOT let her have what you told her that she would lose for the entire day. She will very quickly figure out that you mean what you say and that getting out of bed is not ok. Phrasing it as a "choice" worked for my stubborn son. Give her one good option and one bad one. Say it in a matter of fact way. Such as, when you are a big girl and go to bed when mommy adn daddy tell you, then tomorrow, you can watch Dora, bake cookies with mom (or what ever makes her tick). Then say, if you decide to get out of bed, then you cannot do the thing. The only way it will work though is if you stick to your guns and not cave (even if she whines, cries, whatever). She has to realize that it is not negotiable, that it is bed time, and if you waffle, she will not believe you that the next time you tell her what her punishment will be for bad behaviour.

We had this problem too. At some point we started giving her a book to look at and we'd leave the hall light on so she could see a little bit. At first we put time limits on putting the book away and turning off the hall light. We usually did about 10 minutes for that. Then one night we forgot to turn it off (we each thought the other parent was doing it) and she got up and turned off the hall light herself and put away her book. So now that's the routine every night. She just gets one book to look at. When she's done she puts it away and turns off the hall light. Then she hops in to bed.

The point is, that we both agreed that by giving her some ownership of the routine she calmed down a lot and went to sleep easier.

We still have this issue on occassion with our 6 & 9-year old. When I see the pattern reappearing, I remember before we start the bedtime routine to remind them of my expectations for the night. I remind them again before leaving the room and make sure they have everything they 'need' for a good night. This usually works after a night or two but if needed I will also point out a 'privelege' that will be lost if they come out after I have tucked them in. The first lost is my return to the room for a tuck in.

Pretty normal! When our daughter went through this phase, we fought it, and punished her, spankings, etc. But it really didn't work. So we decided to go a different route, and it works great now. Especially for the real active ones, they have a hard time calming down after doing their little bedtime routine (I think it kinda energizes my daughter). But we just tell her if she is not tired that she may look at books or play with her leap pad but that she must be in her bed. She feels like she has some control this way, and she falls asleep within 15 minutes almost every time. This way she is self sufficient, and she knows that mommy and daddy are not coming back up to her room after we say goodnight. Anyhow, this has worked well for us, Good luck to you!

Hello, Well I truly understand what you are going through. Once I read the part about you also haveing a 4 month baby boy, that makes all the sense. She sees you with her little brother and all the attention he gets. This may have a lot to do with it. Keep up with the routine. And she will finally get it. My stepson did the same thing. My daughter also did the same thing when her little brother was born. Soon she will get use to the idea that she is getting to be a big girl now and needs to show little brother how to be. She also sees her little brother crying when he needs something (or nothing, just fussing) so she thinks she needs to do it also to get more attention. I think it mostly is the fact she has a little brother now and she thinks she has to compete for attention. I hope that my answers help.

I am a mother of 2. My son 5, and my daugher is 9 yr. I work in real estate full time. Good luck and if you have anymore question email me back!

Hi T.,
A child psychologist visited my daughter's preschool when she was 3 years old and gave bedtime winde down suggestions, when we lived in Hawaii. One of her suggestions was to massage your child's feet or hands gently, softly pinching each little tip of their toes ond fingers. She referred to the ancient art and world wide medical practice of reflexology. Our entire bodies can be healed and touched through our feet. A foot massage can relax every muscle in our bodies and brings health and circulation to our lymph, respiratory and circulatory system. My children get sooo relaxed, just from a hand massage/tickle with ever so gentle pressure squeezes. It is amazing! Sweet Dreams! T. B

Oh, have I been in your shoes! My son did the same thing at around 2 1/2, after he'd gone to bed fine in his toddler bed. I had given his crib to my sister, so that was no longer an option, but I still had a pack-n-play. I set it up in his room, and I told him if he got up, he'd go straight into the pack-n-play. And I did that for about a week. He was VERY upset, but I am more stubborn than he (I'm pretty much more stubborn than anyone I know)...and he got the hint really quick. I left the pack-n-play in his room for a few weeks, but he slept great in his bed. Then I took it down, but kept it, and at another point he started getting up again. All I had to do is set it up, and the problem stopped.
Good luck!

My 3 year old daughter does the same thing and it kills us. I can understand how you are feeling.

We changed to make the bed time routine shorter. 15 mins not (not including bath).

We let her pick out three 'special' toys. Bed safe toys to play with quietly. Then she gets 1 warning when she gets out of bed - 'next time you get out of bed - we will take a special toy.'

She gets all worked up and drama about it that she will cry and get so tierd from crying she will crash out. She doesnt want her toys taken away so most of the time the warning works - because she knows we will take them.

We make a big deal the next morning when she wakes up for the day. "hey daddy - Autumn didnt get up at all.' Wow!!!

Anyway - good luck - its frustrating I know....

I think that this is VERY common for this age! My almost 3-year old started similar behavior a few months ago. I haven't seen super nanny, but that post's suggestion is what works pretty well for us. One more tuck-in, then anytime she comes out, I pick her up and put her back without saying a thing. Sometimes this takes a couple of iterations, but then it sticks.

The tough one for me is when she insists that she has to go to the potty. Since we just finished potty training, we always let her go when she says she has to (unless she has gone REALLY recently). So, we let her do one trip to the potty even if I doubt that she has much to produce.

Good luck!

Been there with both children. My daughter was easier to correct than my son.

We have taken things away, stuffed animals, night light, and closing the door all the way.
I have stood there and held the door shut until he gets back into bed (then we open so that he knows he can get out if he needs to).
We have let him cry it out.

Here is what finally worked: Every night before we would leave his room, we would go over the consequences of him getting out of bed. We also reduced his afternoon naps (since he only takes them at the daycare and not on the weekends), so now his afternoon nap is 30-45 minutes only.

About a week after he started going to bed fine again and we had stopped going over the consequences, he looked up at me and said "Tell me something Mama". I told him I had lots I could tell him, what did he want to know. His response "Tell me something". I finally got out of him that he wanted to go over the consequences of getting out of bed. Go figure.

Hope this helps.

We had similar issues with our daughter (now 5 1/2) just before she turned 3. At that point I could count on one hand the number of times she had slept through the night in her own crib/bed and it was about a 3 hour process to get her to bed. As a last resort, our pediatrician recommended putting a baby gate up blocking her door and basically going back to the "cry it out" type process that we had tried to use in the crib. In our case we had a big talk with her and explained that when she turned 3, she absolutely had to learn to go to sleep on her own. We explained to her that if she didn't do it we would have to put the gate on her door but that we did not want to do that. We set a specific date when she had to make the change and miraculously on that day, she decided to comply. I won't say that we never had trouble getting her to bed again (heck she still negotiates for a snack/drink/extra story/2 minutes of snuggling/need to rearrange my animals/...) but it was a big turning point for us where we could get her to sleep more often than not without hours of effort. Good luck. I can promise you that one way or another it will pass eventually.

T.,
My daughter is 5 and she does the same thing. There is a middle ground with her. She's just making sure that Mommy and Daddy are still there. The door being closed may scare her. We leave our daughter's door open and the hallway light is on until my husband and I go to bed. This helps her feel less isolated from the rest of the family. It has also saved us on the electric bill not having a nightlight on all the time. (The kids like playing with nightlights.) We have also found that if you check on them in frequently, they tend to stay in bed. It's mostly a comfort thing.
Good luck. I hope this helps.

~A.

Hi T.,
I read in Parenting magazine that you shouldn't let your little ones watch TV right before bed. The article said that while it relaxes adults, it actually acts as a stimulus to young brains. Don't know if that's the cause, but it certainly could be a contributing factor.

There is also a short article in this months edition about having three little "flags" up somewhere in the room. Each time they call you in you take down a flag until they're gone and then you don't come in anymore (I'm paraphrasing, don't have it in front of me right now).

Good luck!
Amee
A.

I've raised 6 children and am now a foster parent and grandparent. Always have a talk with your child about the problem. Let them know what you will accept and what you will not, reassuring them that they should always come to you if they need to go potty, etc. so they don't stay in bed and have an accident. Next, let them know what you won't accept, getting up multiple times just to see you, etc. Let them know that you will place their stuffed animal, pillow, whatever works outside the door and they may get it back when they choose to stay in bed with it. If you have a chart system, have them move up or whatever reward you have when they are successful. Hugs and kisses work as a reward also. Any successes should be recognized with delight. Any backward steps should be ignored other than following through with consistency. Good luck.

i have a 3 year old as well, and bedtime has also become a challenge. patience is huge. don't let her see you loose it, or it's going to become a habit. during the winter, when we didn't play outside as much and she wasn't burning all that extra energy, she definately wasn't ready for bed when we were ready for her to be in bed. i just read one more book and snuggled with her until she fell asleep. sometimes she just wasn't tired and needed to be lulled a bit more. recently, with the beautiful weather, she is exhausted with all the outside time, but it's sunny and blue skies out when it's bedtime. she's not ready to sleep, but super tired. again, i use patience and snuggle with her a bit more, sing her another lullabye and she soon falls asleep. my advice to you is to try and be more patient (which must be hard with an infant and working), give her a bit more time, tell her you understand, lay down with her, maybe cut back on the tv before bed or play outside more...she is just testing you. doing what 3 year olds naturally do. much luck to you~s

My son went through this same thing.It is VERY irritating.I think it's just something they do and will eventually grow out of it. I would recommend NO movie....thats to stimulating. This is what I have found to be helpful for my son. When it's time to start your routine I usually set the atmosphere in his room with just a night light (this way he knows it's time for bed) and even our hall light is off. After bath, message lotion onto body, read some books and then I play some soft music. That seems to relax him enough. I also do not give him naps anymore and that REALLY helped him. Also, try no suger after 5pm and see if that helps! This can be very exhausting, especially if you are working out side the home. Do praise her when she does good and it just let her cry it out.... Let her know that YOU are the boss and NOT her!!! GOOD LUCK! I know this isn't easy, but this to shall pass.

My kids 2 1/2 and 4 both do this almost every night unless they were pretty tired and then it goes faster. I find that having my oldest,brush her teeth, go potty, get the drink, maybe a snack before story times helps. Once the story is over they're in bed and calmed down enough not to be too restless. TV isn't good before bed. It's more a mind stimulant. This is just something I think we all have to go through.

put her in bed ask her if she has anything else to tell you before she goes to sleep. listen. tell her you will not talk to again until morning AND MEAN IT! if she gets out of bed quietly put her back in bed without speaking to her,repeat,
ignore bad behaviour. be patient, they grow up and leave home and don't talk to you enough! N.

My kids have trouble going to bed every year after we change the clocks for daylight savings time. It is natural for people to want to be awake during daylight hours.
I have pushed back their bedtime - just by about 20 minutes.

I would say to cut out the TV watching. I just read a study that says the blue light from TV or computer screens messes with the melatonin levels in your body and causes sleeplessness in some people. Read to her instead. It's better for bonding with her anyway.

Make sure she is getting plenty of excercise. I know that is hard during the day since you are working, but maybe you could try going for a family walk after dinner to help her burn off some of her energy. Or do a little kids excercise routine before supper.
Is her room dark at night? Is it quiet when you put her down?
Also, you could try adding a little lavender oil to her bath water.

I know how frustrating it can be when you put a child to bed and they keep getting up. Firmly remind her that she must stay in bed. You could try putting a lullaby tape on quietly in her room. Tell her she doesn't have to sleep until the tape is over - they usually fall asleep while listening.

Good Luck!

This was about the time that our 2 1/2 year old girl at the time started this whole bed time stalling. Our son had just turned 5 months old when all of a sudden she was high demand at night. We explained to her that her brother being so young needed a little more one on one attention at night. That we use to do that with her and now it is time for us to do that with her brother. We didn't fuel her new needs as we know what she truly needed at night. She got over it pretty quick. My best advice would be to explain to her that this is not appropriate and try not to bend over backwards for her at night and put your foot down. I have found that when I explain things to my children multiple time they really do get it and change their ways. Best of luck!

This might sound terrible, but I give my kids one chance, then lock them in (we have the doorknob turned around, along with a potty chair in the room just in case). My five-year-old really doesn't need to be locked in, but the two-year-old would never stay in otherwise, and my older one understands. Every once in a while he will ask to sleep in the guest room if the little guy won't stop jumping on his bed, and we comply with that when he asks. I have no interest in chasing my little one back in all evening. So after he comes trotting out the first time, it's back in with the door locked. We unlock it before we go to bed, although sometimes the little guy wakes up in the night and heads straight for our room. I usually let him climb in because I'm too tired to fight it and he thrashes me for half an hour until I can't stand it any more, then I take him back and lock the door. That doesn't happen often, fortunately.

I also recommend the book "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" by John Rosemond. Yours is three, but a lot still applies, and it is so practical and makes sense (his suggestions - which are tried and true). One chapter is all about going to bed, and another about potty training, and another about tantrums... I'm re-reading it now for our two-year-old, and it's amazing how much I've forgotten in three years. good luck!

T.,

We have been lucky that our boys have not gone through this yet, but we did with one of my nephews.

We would ask him to lay real still with his eyes closed real tight for 5 minutes...make up a game or reason. This usually worked.

The other reason is maybe growing pains. Have you tried a mini massage?

Good luck.

We have the same problems with our daughter, but one thing you can do is to not reward her with lots of love and attention when she gets up. Also, no movie before bed.

http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9909/07/sleepy.students.ap/

A.

My daughter is 3 and used to do the same thing, although instead of getting out of bed she would just call my name until I came in. we used positive/negative conditioning to help us. we have a deal of a special prize (could be anything; a marshmellow for bfast with her normal bfast, or a small toy she gets to pick out, etc) if she goes to bed when asked and sleeps through the night. When that doesn't work (which it usually does, but there are days) I start taking things away. Toys, books, etc. that she can get back when she lives up to her home responsibilities - she knows it's her job to sleep through the night, make her bed, pick up her toys/etc. so when she doesn't do her job, stuff gets taken away.

Best of luck!

I see that you have a 4 month old baby at home. Could it be possible that she is getting jealous of him and that is why she is acting out? I know that with each child we added to the family, there was a transition period, and they all acted out for a little bit after the new baby was here. It sounds like you have a good bedtime routine down, so it doesn't sound like she doesn't know it's bedtime. Do you get to spend any one on one time with her, even at home? Maybe you could try that and see if that helps at all. I hope you figure it out soon. Best of luck.

GM T....okay so she's training you well! LOL I remember being horrified when I realized that my sweet little angel was capable of manipulating me! So here's what has worked with us.

Your bedtime routine is perfect....lots of hugs, kisses and sweet talk. The first time she gets up you say "it's bedtime sweetie" and place her back in bed (don't talk about or do anything else for her). The 2nd time you say "it's bedtime" and place her back in bed (no other conversation). The 3rd time and EVERYTIME thereafter you say NOTHING at all. Just calmly place her back in her bed. The key is NO INTERACTION. There needs to be be absolutely no pay off for her. Now I will warn you...the first night you may be doing this last step like 50 times! In her head she's thinking "wow they moved the line so now I gotta figure out where it's at." She will pull out all the stops...things WILL get worse before they get better because she's gotta test the new rules. She'll want to see how far she has to go to get you to break down now. Just keep calmly placing her back in her bed with no conversation and walking away. The 2nd night it will take slightly less time and 3rd night even less. Pretty soon she will figure out that there is NO payoff to her getting up. Whatever you do, don't start laying with her or staying in her room because she's "scared" or whatever other shenanigans she pulls (and believe me she'll pull out some doozies). This will work...it's a Super Nanny tactic.

Good luck! Be strong my little solider :) All of these little lessons at this young age are also teaching them that you mean business and that you're in charge which will help tremendously down the road...trust me.

L. H

PS I'm a sahm to 9 and 5 year old girls and I've been married for 11 years.

My son just turned 3 in march and he was always a wonderful sleeper and went to bed with no problem - until a few months before turning 3! The minute we tucked him in he would say things like "I have to go potty" or "I need a drink of water" or "turn on the hall light". IT got worse and worse until he was having screaming fits and we tried taking away things that he likes too. We finally figured out that he was developing fears of things, and he was beginning to be afraid of his room and the darkness. He was throwing fits because he was afraid and didn't want to be in his room at night (we figured this out by reading a section of Solving your Childs Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber - it has a great section on nighttime fears). New routines can spark these fears, like potty training, beginning preschool, moving, etc. We also took away some "scary" books and movies (even in children's books if the characters were scared then it added to my sons fears, even if it didn't seem that scary). We asked him what would help him to be less afraid and he was able to tell us that leaving the hall light on and his door open and having a special nightlight would help and it did! We reasoned with him that if we did those things he had to stay in bed - he could call for us but he had to stay in bed until morning or we would turn the hall light off. He didn't want that so he always stayed in bed! Now he's back to being a good sleeper and he stays in bed. I don't know for sure if you're having the same problem, but thought that it's a possibility you might want to consider. Good luck! D.

As Melissa stated already - SuperNanny's routine works really well. I recommend that.