How to Get Toddler to Sleep When Routine Doesn't Work?

Letting little ones stay up until they crash is the same as letting them skip their veggies until they have a nutritional deficit. It just isn't good for them on a regular basis. My eldest is still fighting a bedtime routine and she's ten. I'm a night owl as is my mom and my MIL. However, no way in the world will I let her stay up until midnight on a school night even if she is reading in bed. Stick to whatever routine makes you the least crazy. Once she knows you won't budge, it will get better.

How many kids do you have? My younger had a hard time settling down. For unrelated reasons, my kids decided to share a room. Bedtime immediately became easy. Younger child still takes longer to settle and fall asleep than older child, but he doesn't seem to mind being in his bed when he's not alone in the room. He lies there, talks softly to his stuffed animals or sings them quiet songs until he conks out - thankfully it doesn't keep older child awake.

Not a solution that everyone can use, but it worked for us.

My son doesn't sleep like other kids. Never has. He just doesn't need as much as "regular'' people seem to. It was bad enough for us that we went to 2 different sleep doctors trying to "figure out what was wrong with him." Turns out, nothing was.

The trick at this point is finding a routine that works for YOU. If she seems to be getting enough sleep, don't force it.

With my son, our rule became that he had to go into his room and close the door after 7:45pm. We would come back to tuck him in at 8:15 - kisses goodnight and all that. If he still wasn't ready to sleep, he could read, do puzzles, listen to his music...and put himself to bed when HE was ready. But at that point, we were done going back in.
It took about a week to get into the new habit, but 3 yrs later, it's what we still do today. Saved everyone's sanity.

What time does she go to bed? What time does she have to get up? How many hours of sleep does she get? Does she seem tired during the day? Does she nap? How busy is she during the day?

I see lots of people putting kids to bed right after supper and wondering why they can't get to sleep or why they wake up in the middle of the night. At four years old your child is not a toddler, but a preschooler, and most likely doesn't need 12 hours a night of sleep. At that age my kids slept 10 hours a night with no naps. They went to bed at 10:00pm and woke on their own at 8:00am. I didn't have any problems, but if I had tried to put them to bed at 8:00pm I am sure it would have been a pointless battle. Maybe try a later bed time?

my kids will stay up playing till 11 if we let them. and on top of that they will be up at 8 am and both have refused naps since turning 2.
we have a bed time routine that starts with potty and brush teeth. then we read 2 books and sing a few songs. then its lights out, if you get out of bed once you get your door shut, if it happens again you lose something (favorite toy or special snack etc.)
consistancy is the key. and if you use a threat then follow thru.
if its still an issue check out the book called Sleepless In America

well, she's not actually a toddler, is she? i know few 4 year olds who toddle.
she probably IS wired to be a night owl to some degree. and your various approaches, routines and methods may be part of the problem, although i certainly understand that when something doesn't work you have to try something else.
not forever, though.
if you just have a wide-awake kid, it really isn't on you to force her to sleep. not sure just how that could be done. i'd just stick to a steady, low-key, pleasant bedtime routine (find something that works for YOU and quit changing it up) and let her get on with it. if she's had a bath, and some snuggle time, and a story (maybe two), then she gets to lie there quietly in bed. if she falls asleep quickly, great, if not, well then, at least she's in bed and her body is getting some rest.
so yeah, i'd let her find her own balance for sure, but for us that wouldn't mean careening around the house until she crashes. it would just mean she goes to bed when it's time and sleeps when she's ready.
what time do you put her to bed?
khairete
S.

My kids are natural vampires like me. For the first time in their lives at ages 9, 7 and 5 they are going to bed "early" at 8:30 or 9pm because they get up at 6 for school.

Up until public school they went to bed around 10pm. 11 or midnight if I did not force them. I homeschooled for a while and even though we started our day dressed by 8:30am, wake time was 7:30, not 6am so 10pm was fine. Even now, they'll want to stay up late Friday and Saturday night which makes it REALLY hard to force them to sleep Sunday night, so I force myself to get them up early on Saturday and Sunday just so we don't revert to impossible mornings for school week. It's hard on me too. I'm a night person by nature and early mornings are chronically hard on me...but it's the way the world works..

At 4 I don't know your daughter's daytime obligations. Does she have to get up early? Usually getting ripped out of bed early is the key for vampire children to go to bed at normal times. That and getting enough exercise outdoors, not eating fruit or sugar after lunchtime. Not being flexible. Bedtime is bedtime. Stay in bed. Here's a book. Don't come out or else. Follow through on threats.

These things all help...

My oldest, 9, reads in bed 'til all hours!!! I'll go to bed around 11 and she's still awake reading since 9pm...eek!!

Both my kids (5 yo and 7 yo) are like that. I tried forever to get them to bed at 8:00 like all of my friends seemed to do with their kids. I tried all of the advice and nothing worked. Very frustrating and exhausting. Both of my kids are night owl like their dad. I finally gave up. Now I let them go until they are tired. We start the bedtime routine about 9:00. They finally fall asleep around 10-10:30. Luckily I don't have to get them up until 7:00-7:30 so they are getting 8-9 hours of sleep. For months we were in the bedroom by 8:00. I would spend the next 2 hours reading to them until they fell asleep. I'd be bleary eyed and hoarse by the time they fell asleep. Now, I read to them for 10-15 minutes and they are out.

Yes, I don't get much time in the evenings to do household chores or to have down time for myself. I often go to bed shortly after they do. But I look at it as I'm getting two extra hours with my kids every day. And I read somewhere that geniuses don't need much sleep. I'm counting on my kids being geniuses who will invent something world changing. 😀

My kids are older now, 12 and 15, but they have always been great sleepers since day one. I have never had to force them to go to bed or get up in the morning. They are early birds and get up and make their own breakfast, get ready on their own, and leave on their own to catch the bus. My high schooler has to leave at 630am to get the bus. She goes to bed on her own between 7:30-8. lol My 12 yo stays up until 9-930 and goes to bed on his own. He gets up around 7 on his own and leaves for school about 8. So if I were you, I would try it. But we do have a rule where they are NOT on any electronic (phone or tablet) after 7;30. They can watch tv but nothing else and the phone/tablet stays downstairs with us then we take them in our room overnight so they aren't tempted to get up. Our DVR/TV is parental blocked from 930pm-630am for the same reason. So see if she can go to sleep on her own and get up on her own. As long as you don't have to fight her to get up every morning I don't see the problem. Good luck.

Try changing the time. Kids who are overtired have a harder time falling asleep. We also allow our DD to read/look at books as long as she stays in bed.

One of mine finds it harder to fall asleep.

What worked for me was to do the regular routine - bath, stories, bedtime kind of thing every night but then if they weren't tired enough to drift off, I would let them read (or look at picture books if they were very small). I'd leave a little light on, and no pressure .. and say I'd come back to check on them.

For me, every time I'd go back up (10 minutes) they would be konked out.

One of mine was given Melatonin (?) I think it's called - kind of a safe sleep aid for children. We've only used it a couple of times but seemed effective.

Hope that helps :) I think the no pressure fall-asleep-when-you-do approach relaxed my slow to fall asleep sleeper. Another thing was letting mine talk to me for a while (each one in turn) in their beds - that way if they needed to get anything out about their day, they had their turn and wouldn't fall asleep thinking about it. Nice time for one-on-one.

** Just to add, I've noticed that if they play electronics (yours may be a bit too young for this) but mine get a bit wired, so I tend to limit use (and even TV) before bed time. Me reading to them seemed to calm/make them sleepy.

Both my kids have a hard time going to sleep...I believe they are naturally night owls bc they both seem to get more energy in the evening. I now have zero trouble from my 11 year old bc he is older and can just read for a while and then I'll tell him 10 more minutes and he just goes to sleep on his own (around 9pm). But he used to be impossible when he was young. My 5 year old is still hard. I am a mom who believes in lots of physical activity, swimming, outside play, etc. She should be exhausted. But no. At bedtime she's just bright eyed and wide awake. We could have spent the day hiking, going to the pool, playing on the trampoline, and a walk after dinner...no matter. Every night we have the same routine...bath (every other night), brush teeth, read 3 stories and then lie in bed till you fall asleep. Every night it's extremely hard for her to fall asleep. It just takes lying still for a good long time and finally finally finally she does it. Her bedtime starts at 7:30 but she is not asleep till 8:30 or 9. I have tried putting her to bed later but it does not help...she still takes forever to fall asleep and then she is too tired the next day. I have noticed friend's kids are exhausted at the end of the day and are sleepy and fall asleep quickly. We will spend the day with friends...hike out to a yurt or skiing...and then we all are sleeping in the same cabin/yurt. Other kids the same age will even put themselves to bed or fall asleep where they are sitting bc they are so tired. Not my child...she's just wide awake. It's frustrating, I agree. I know that as she gets older and matures she will be easy like her brother finally is. So...I'm guessing it is just a temperament/personality. My husband is a night person. I am a morning person. I am EXHAUSTED by bedtime!

I can't tell from your post if your child is "hard-wired" to be a night owl, or if you have not been consistent with how you put her to bed. Some people try a whole smathering of ways to do it, actually adding to the problem. Without knowing which one it really is, I'm going to address the second scenario.

Amy J was pretty cute in her remark about her children being natural vampires. My immediate thought along those lines was not about wanting to stay up late so much as trying to suck up as much of us before they drop off to sleep as they can.

And suck us up they will, if we let them. My suggestion is that you keep the bedtime routine relatively short. NO TV after dinner. None. Honestly, TV riles up little children's brains. Quiet activities, like in her bedroom. If you do bath after supper, that's good. Bath, brush teeth, and in her room with you reading a book. And then into the bed. A nightlight if that's needed, and then you say goodnight and close the door. (More than a half hour of bedtime routine and your child is ruling the roost with "One more story! I want some water. I need to pee - the 3rd time in 10 minutes." Don't allow this. If they can draw out bedtime 2 hours, they will. It only exacerbates the problem.)

Wouldn't that be nice if this is all it takes? That's what we MADE happen when my kids were little. I simply wouldn't put up with anything else. How I made it work was that I would NOT allow my son to come out of his room. If he came out, I walked him back into his room. No talking, no negotiating, just back in the room.

It didn't take long. I PROVED that I could outlast him. And if he laid in the floor instead of getting in his bed? Fine. As long as he was in his room. The room was child-proofed, safe and warm enough that he would be fine if he slept on the floor. Honestly, a child will eventually choose to sleep wherever it is most comfortable.

You asked about battles. It doesn't have to be a battle. There is NO battle if you consistently walk your child back to her room and close the door. The battle starts when you decide to do something different. Like TALKING to her. Letting her tell YOU what she's going to do. Losing your cool. Letting her stay in your room. ANYTHING other than walking her back into that room and closing that door.

Letting her sleep when she crashes? BAD IDEA. She continues to try to assert her control with you. It teaches her the opposite lesson from the one you want her to learn. Children hit a wall and then they are in overdrive. That is probably what is happening to your child. She needs to learn to "let go" and let sleep occur. If you stick to the plan and not give her one single inch, then she will eventually get tired of fighting and the instances of coming out of her room will dwindle. Leaving her absolutely alone so that she understands that night time means sleep time in her room is what she needs. Letting her stay up all hours until you carry her in her room exhausted will teach her nothing, except that she can battle with you and win.

She is too little to find her balance. She needs a strict schedule and a chance to learn to self-soothe. Put her to bed at the same time each night. (My recommendation is 8:30-9:00.) And wake her up the same time every morning, no matter whether you have to get up or not. I'd recommend 6:30 am, 7:00 am at the latest. If you let her sleep late because she bounced all over the place until midnight, she will just want to bounce her bedtime all over the place. And yes, she will be sleep deprived and crabby until she accepts this, but all the more reason for her to give up the getting-out-of-bed-fight with you because you aren't allowing her to sleep later in the morning either.

I urge you to commit to this NOW, long before she goes to school. You will be miserable, she will be miserable and her teacher will be miserable if you don't.

If it turns out that your child has ADHD, then this is a brain chemistry issue, and not a behavioral one. I am making my recommendation based on this being a behavioral issue.

They say that in order for a change to take place and be a "habit", you must do the same thing 10 times in row ( i.e. take a 20 min. walk every night or skip that fatty treat you give yourself every afternoon). Maybe try a routine for at least 10 nights before trying a different approach? You may be trying too many things too close together so your little one's routine is all messed up.

At 4 she's more pre-school age than toddler.
There's no way I'd let a 4 yr old call the shots on bedtime.

No screen time for 2 hours before bed - tv, computers, phones, devices, video games, etc.
Make sure she gets some good running around time for a few hours in the afternoons - playground, pool, bounce house, jumping/running outside - fresh air and exercise really help.
Unless it's dangerous to be outside (thunder/lightning, really cold, etc - she should be out in most weather (my Mom's rule was 2 hours outside minimum every day).
If she takes a long time then start your bedtime routine earlier.
Read a few stories to her at bedtime.
In our house we were all exhausted so we ALL went to bed at the same time - the whole house went to sleep - so it was what we all did.
Our son never had to worry he was going to miss anything, plus with the house all dark and the night light in his room, there was no where else to be (but he'd come right to our room across the hall if he woke up in the night).

4 year old children aren't toddlers, toddlers are older infants who are trying to learn to walk. They "toddle" around. 4 year old kiddos are pre-K/school age children....she has a totally different body, cognitive abilities, and a completely different set of issues.

My first thought is you didn't mention bedtime. If you're trying to get her to bed at 7pm then you are setting yourself up for this bedtime issue. At this age she doesn't need as much sleep as an actual toddler or infant. At age 4 she can easily do good going down at 8:30 or even 9 if they took a nap during the day. IF she doesn't nap anymore then she could go down at 8-8:30.

Some kids just don't need as much sleep as others. I have 7 grand kids and out of those 7 two of them will lay down and go to sleep easily before 9pm.

When they were younger we noticed when they slept as infants and toddlers. Every one of them would take a short evening nap. Maybe just doze off on my way home from work but still they'd go to sleep for a bit. Then around 9pm they would each doze off and sleep most of the night, even the younger ones.

Instead of deciding when they were tired on "my" time schedule we'd get them in the kitchen for a snack, do baths, and bedtime. They'd all be in bed asleep or on their way to being asleep at 9pm.

We had very few problems with the kids going down or getting up for school in the morning.

Think of it this way. Down and out at 9pm sleep through to 7am. That's 10 straight hours of sleep. That's more than enough sleep at night for a school age kiddo. If she naps at all then add that in and she's over her needed sleep per day.

I would definitely stick to a routine, but you are right, some kids just don't sleep as well as others. Not fighting it completely is a great plan for your sanity and hers. Go easier on her and do what you have to do to keep your patience and peace in the home. My oldest is like that and I tell you, it was a battle from the start to get her to sleep. Eventually I learned that the best thing to do is not fight it, we rested in her room until she was asleep. She slept fine after she finally drifted off. She's 11 now and still takes a while to get to sleep, but she's able to read, and read and read until she is ready to sleep. Now she turns off her reading light when she's feeling sleepy on her own. It's not a bad thing now. :) Lots of reading time! Occasionally I have to go in around 9:30 and remind her that it's sleep time and she'll turn out the light and try. She's very driven by routine though, so I'd still do certain steps before bed and stick to it each night. Try sitting in your little one's room or on her bed and see if she falls asleep faster - make sure you don't talk to her or interact. It worked for us and they don't need you to do it forever. It really cuts down on the drama too. If I had let mine stay up until they crashed when they were that age, they would stay up way too late. So we found a balance.