Bad Idea - I Cut My Daughter's Hair... but There Is More...

Good lesson for her. Do what you are told and brush it, or it gets cut. She will get over it. Remind her that hair grows. I mean, you did not give her a pixie!

I have found my kids hair matches their personality, love the child love the hair. :)

Seriously my 12 year old has the most disheveled hair you can imagine. She is a tomboy and it fits her. My 23 year old daughter was the same way. She looks like a proper young lady now.

Don't know, I guess I would rather have happiness than perfection.

It's going to grow back.

Honestly, since she won't keep anything in it to keep it from getting knotted up, if I were you, I'd take her and have it cut short. A classic bob. Little girls look so cute with a bob, they're easy to care for, and it'll be nice and cool for Summer. Just a thought.

Cutting it because she can't/won't properly brush it and keep it detangled is not the same as pressuring her to look perfect.
Unbrushed knots become mats. Wet mats are impossible to brush out.
When my daughter was that age, she wanted her hair long, but didn't brush it properly. She was tender-headed and whenI brushed it, she complained that it hurt. I gave her a choice - either she kept it clean and brushed, or cut it short. We ended up keeping it short until she was able to manage it herself.

D.M. ,
I was a very "strong-willed" child. When I was 6, I would throw absolute fits about my parents trying to make me look presentable, combing my hair, etc. I will be honest in that I had the whole house on eggshells many years of my life in order to get my way. The ridiculous part is that my parents went along with it. They should have given me a firm "this is the way it is going to be" many a time. I look back at many photos of me as a kid and think, "Ugh! Why didn't my mom force me to have my hair combed!?"

You are the mom. You are in charge. Your kid might not like it and may not like many of the rules that you, and society, impose on her. That is too bad. Her hair was a disaster, so you did what you needed to do. If it looks bad right now, make an appointment for after school to have the salon fix it, that is $15 well spent.

My 8 year old wishes she had long flowing hair but her hair is very fine and looks stringy and unkempt if it gets past her shoulders. We have kept it shorter all these years for that reason. She does not like having her hair cut, but I am the mom and get to make the decisions. When she is older, she can choose her own hairdo.

Don't feel bad. You did what you needed to do. If you act guilty, she will also pick up on that and keep guilt tripping you.

Truthfully, I am not about perfection with hair. But having knots in her hair means that she's not old enough to have long hair. Having long hair is a privilege and requires being willing to take care of it. If she won't take care of it, it needs to be short.

That doesn't mean that mom cuts her hair. You don't know how to cut hair. It's demeaning to ANYONE to watch someone chop up what adorns your head. She needs a lady (or a really cute guy) to do it for her. Then you take her out for ice cream.

Tell her that you are going to go to a nice salon and both of you are going to get your hair done, and then you'll enjoy an ice cream cone together.

There is a big difference between basic hygene and looking perfect. Brushing your hair and keeping it our of your face free of snarls and tangles falls in the first. Excessive fixing falls in the second. When my daughter was in first grade she had long wavy hair that was forever hanging in her eyes. And just driving me nuts. She would chew on a strand constantly. I told her to keep it brushed and quit chewing on it or it was getting cut. She kept chewing and I got it cut. Short. We are taking Ann Hathaway pixie short. She hated it. But got the action / consequence thing. Your daughter is old enough at 6 to understand brush and pony tail or Barrett or short hair. Your the mom don't feel guilty for teaching your daughter to keep herself looking clean and presentable.

If she wants long hair she's going to have to allow it to be braided.
It's the only thing that will keep it organized so it's not knotted and tangled all the time.
She can learn to do it herself or she can have you do it.
If she wants to look like a mop head with messy hair all the time, then you can get it cut to jaw length and it will be less of a headache every which way around.
It'll still be messy but much less of a hassle.

When she's an adult she can grow it down to her behind and wear it in dreads if she wants to.
For right now, a 6 yr old should not have so much control over her hair if she's not going to take care of it.
Looking clean and neat is adequate - it's hardly perfect.
You were controlled too much growing up but now your issues with that control have caused you to veer toward the opposite extreme with your daughter.
Try to strike a happy medium, but she can't walk around looking like she's got a rat's nest in her hair.

http://pinterest.com/jenn_ycm/girly-do-hairstyles/

I think it will only be an issue if you allow it to be. Tell her, very firmly, that cutting it some was necessary because of the knots and really, her hair will be healthier and grow better if the splint ends are trimmed once in a while. She also needs to be willing to wear it back sometimes if she doesn't want stuff to get in it. She can either have it long and be willing to take care of it, or have it cut shorter (and some short hair cuts can be very cute!) so it's easier. By the time the summer is over, it will have grown back to where it was (if not sooner). This isn't about being or looking "perfect", it's about basic hygiene and keeping the hair healthy and clean. Cutting a few inches and having it still be past her shoulders is not the end of the world.

Kids often take their cues from us - if she senses you being upset about it, she will be too. If you treat it like no big deal, hopefully she will get over it. Or the way I look at it (and often say to my daughter), "It's just hair." My DD has natural curls but the hair is more fine and does not grow very fast. She wants to have this long thick flowing hair like a lot of her friends (and like a lot of Disney princesses, I suspect) but it just doesn't grow that much - instead it tends to curl more, some of it is really stringy, and it's always a tangled mess in the morning. My hair doesn't grow very fast either and I've done better with having some version of a pixie cut the past several years. My mom was the same way. I've told DD that she has the hair that she has, and it is beautiful, and a lot of her friends wish they had curls like she does, just like she wishes her hair could be long like theirs. It's not about looking "perfect" all the time so much as accepting what nature has given you, and working with it so you feel happy with yourself.

Seriously though - it really is "just hair."

DM:

Don't beat yourself up.

Tell your daughter - it's not permanent - it will grow back.

You need to find a compromise with her hair. Pulling knots and tangles out is NOT fun and it can hurt!! She needs to be able to care for her hair if she wants it long...and that means brushing/combing it, washing it, etc.

Take her shopping for things she MIGHT like to put in her hair. yes, it's HER hair - but you are the parent. This isn't about looking perfect - this is about taking care of oneself, personal hygiene (care of hair). if she refuses to take care of it - you need to make it manageable. If it means shorter hair - then it means shorter hair until she is willing to care for it herself.

Good luck!

It's only hair. It's only hair. It's only hair. It's only hair. Repeat to self until you feel better. Honestly, it's only hair. It's only as big of a deal as YOU allow it to be. 3 inches is nothing. How many different hair style have you have over the course of your life? Many I'm sure. Some shorter than others. The nice thing about hair....it always grows back.

It's not like you put it in a high pony tail and cut it off from the pony, like my mom did to me when I was in first grade. I still remember feeling like I looked like a boy. It was awful. I bet no one even notices that she got her hair cut, because honestly...other people don't care. They are too busy with their own lives to notice that your daughter got 3 inches cut off. That is really just a trim in my book. Stop worrying about it!

There is a big difference between trying to make a kid look perfect and having to remove knots that need to be cut out of unkept hair. I don't think you're turning into your own mother.

It is okay for you to require that it be combed/brushed properly. If she doesn't want her hair in a pony or clips, she will need to submit to a few combings during the day. You can make it her choice.

Awe, don't worry. I've done this to my boys, too (the worst home fade ever!! lol)
It'll grow. Also, turn this into a lesson. No brush of the hair, it will be short. May encourage her to take care of it if she wants it long - maybe.

Don't worry mama!

My mom had my sister (2nd grade) and I (kindergarten) get Pixie cuts because we wouldn't brush our hair enough to keep it from getting knotted up. She only had to do that once for us to get the message and learn to brush our own hair.

i love that you let her have a say in it- it IS her hair. but at 6 she may not always be able to make good decisions about it. and keeping it clean and combed is important.
i had the opposite problem at her age. my beautiful long hair was down to my thighs, and my mother's pride and joy. but i HATED having it combed and styled (still do) and the daily battles wore on both of us. mom bawled like a baby the day we got it cut, and kept my long ponytail in a beautiful little embroidered box. i SO loved my short pageboy.
and then i grew it back, and kept it butt-length for most of my life.
at 6 your daughter is plenty old enough to understand natural consequences. it's nice to apologize to her for the funky cut, since it wasn't really discussed in advance. but don't abase yourself. something had to be done, and if it wasn't the best solution in the world, oh well. it'll grow back.
but when it does, be very clear that if she wants it long, she must keep it clean and neat. if she refuses to comb and braid it, then she needs to wait until she's old enough to care for it before she grows it long again.
khairete
S.

When I was between the ages of 5 and 7, my mother would always say, BRUSH YOUR HAIR!! or she was going to cut it off.... and then I'd go off and try and brush all the knots out :):)

My mother would insist that IF I wanted to grow my hair out, I must wear it in a braid ... In your daughter's case, if you needed to cut the knots out, then you saved her a lot of pain as some of those knots can be almost impossible to get out... like if you had gum in them (I know, I had lots of them)
Good thing about hair is that it grows... let her know that if you didn't cut out the knots, the hair couldn't continue to grow as healthily.. which is true.. how can it look good with clumps.. She may not like it now.. but she is only 6... you did what you needed to do... you couldn't let her go around with knots in her hair, right?
I would suggest to her that IF she wants long hair, she needs to have it in a ponytail for at least part of the day.. Compromise.. pony in the day.. loose at night..
try not to beat yourself up... you love and care about her.. you did what you thought was right..

My father "trimmed" our bangs when my mom went out to dinner with her friends... I was 5, my sister was 2. What he failed to account for is the fact that hair "shrinks" when it's dry... you can only imagine what we looked like when mom walked through the door. It happens. Your intentions were good. You'll laugh about this one day.

I would take her to a kiddie salon and have it "shaped" professionally. While you are there, let them put that colored gel in her hair or a fancy braid. Superficial? Sure, but fun and kind of an "I'm sorry" that accomplishes your end goal.

First of all - it's hair. It will grow back. We've all received bad hair cuts - this won't be her last.

As for the perfect thing - please try to avoid that. I know it's hard to do but it's best for your daughter. I too always thought I'd have a perfect daughter with cute dresses and every hair in place - HA!! She hates dresses. And her hair - ugh!!! She wants it very long and also takes out whatever I put in there in the AM (pony tail, braids). I've come to the conclusion that my daughter is not the quiet and clean type. I have to embrace it and move on. But I do still buy her several dresses every season with hopes that she will wear them without having to be forced to do so (for parties, etc.) but she hates them. I do have a rule that when she goes out with Mommy that she has to be dressed nicely in a cute outfit - shorts or a skort and a cute top (and no, it in no way happens every time she is out with me) but if we go shopping or to the mall, I want her to look cute. Then after 15 minutes, she looks cute and dirty!!

You've gotten great advice already... my one thing to add: braid her hair EVERY SINGLE night. It will seriously cut down on the tangles - like eliminate about 90% of them.

Please don't feel bad. My daughter also did not like her hair brushed and would cry every time we did it. No matter what we did, her hair would get tangled badly during the day and then she'd cry those big alligator tears when it needed to be brushed. Conditioners and that detangling spray didn't seem to help.

We had to cut it shorter. She cried the whole time it was being cut, I think even the hairdresser felt bad but she understood why. For the next 2 days my daughter moped and was upset about it. However, once she found how easy it was for us to brush her hair (no tears!) she changed her mind.

My daughter would LOVE to have long hair down to her waist, but it's not in the cards for her. She's 12 now and she has thick wavy hair. She can't even wash it properly herself in the shower and she still can't get it brushed herself. We keep it at a manageable length for her.

Your daughter will get over it. She can't go around with knots in her hair. Sometimes barrettes and ponytails are needed if you have long hair. I had a child in my gymnastics class who refused to tie her long hair back because she "didn't like it" so I told her she couldn't participate. Long hair in gymnastics is a safety issue if it's not tied back.

Don't feel bad, she'll get over it if you do. Just be sure to let her know she looks beautiful (and next time take her to a salon so she can blame the hairdresser instead of you!)

My daughter has long, very pretty hair until she flips all around like the wild child that she is and it looks like she's a cave woman. Don't get me started on he bed head in the morning. I brush it at least once before she leaves in the morning and typically, it needs it again a few minutes later. On Gym Day, I always pull it up or braid it...anything to keep it off her face. Beyond that, we don't require it to be a certain way unless it's a special event. Relax, she's a child.

I second the 'braiding before bedtime' responses. My daughter gets a brush out and a loose braid (every night it occurs to me to do it) and the next morning, it's like magic.

Also, give yourself a break. Even very long hair should be trimmed now and again to cut down on the broken ends. =)

sorry I haven't read the other responses so not sure if I'm repeating or anything. My daughter had long hair when she was young and hated me brushing it, etc. I gave her a week to take care of it herself - it didn't have to be in a ponytail or barretts or anything, but she had to brush it as I was tired of fighting. I told her that if she wasn't able to maintain it on her own, she had to cut it. She wasn't able/willing to maintain it independently so she had it cut with no fuss. She loved the long hair, but couldn't do it on her own.

Updated

sorry I haven't read the other responses so not sure if I'm repeating or anything. My daughter had long hair when she was young and hated me brushing it, etc. I gave her a week to take care of it herself - it didn't have to be in a ponytail or barretts or anything, but she had to brush it as I was tired of fighting. I told her that if she wasn't able to maintain it on her own, she had to cut it. She wasn't able/willing to maintain it independently so she had it cut with no fuss. She loved the long hair, but couldn't do it on her own.

Remind her it is just hair. Remind her that with long hair comes the need to use things like barrettes, hair bands etc.

In addition you may want to go onto YouTube and start finding fun hairstyles you can both work with and try that you both will like. Some of my favorites are:
CuteGirlsHairstyles
Hair4MyPrincess
LilithMoon

The first is for all ages, the second is geared more towards younger hair and the third is geared more towards adults, but still has wonderful ideas that can adapt. Maybe if she is involved in deciding her hair styles and what goes in or on it she may be more willing to have it styled.

Please don't feel badly. She'll probably get over it in the next few days. If nothing else, remind her how good it feels to not have to try and get the knots out of it!

As others have said, trimming to get rid of knots/split ends/etc is NOT the same as making her look perfect. I think "presentable" is a better word. We can take pride in our appearance without it having to be about perfection.

If she wants to have long hair, she needs to take care of it. That includes keeping it knot free and a trim to remove damaged ends. If you aren't using it yet, you can try either a conditioner or a detangler. I hear the Knot Genie is great too.

You are not doing the same thing as in your childhood. I think you're mixing two things which don't belong together. Keeping knots out of one's hair is not being expected to look perfect--it's a matter of comfort and minimal grooming. I am willing to bet money that if she goes to school regularly with knotted hair, other kids are going to comment on it or the teacher is going to start wondering whether she is being cared for properly at home.

My experiences with this issue: our daughter almost 8 has curly hair (my husband is African), and it has grown out quite a bit. It looks lovely, however it tangles like anything. I have had to cut off knots sometimes, and it really is the only way to deal with them. She used to refuse to let me brush it or put in nourishing hair cream, however she now tolerates it and has figured out a style she likes (hairbands, sometimes three of them pulling it back). Over the next few years, she'll start having to learn haircare herself, and she's ready. I should add that I am FAR from a fashionista or focused on appearance. We're not aiming for every hair in place, just not tangled or dreadlocks.

I'm sure your daughter was unhappy that her hair got cut, however it is a natural consequence of her not fastening it or brushing it enough to keep out the knots. As others said, her hair will grow back and now she knows what happens when she doesn't take care of it routinely. I should add that at age 5 and 6, our daughter hated having her hair brushed. She became more willing to take care of her hair over the past year, once she turned 7 or so. It might become easier with your gal in the next year or two. For now, see how you can work with her so she picks a style she likes and hair pieces she will use. Maybe she can decorate some herself? Or maybe she likes hats? Just some thoughts...

Good luck, and I've been there!

When I was a child my hair was kept short until I could take care of it myself. I didn't get to start growing it long until grade 5. I would simply give her a choice of keeping it in braids or cutting it short. At the age of 6 it's not about how it looks, but about if she is able to look after it. Also, 6 year olds need to be active, and not worrying about their hair getting in the way!

have to jump in here,

I think it might be hard for you to see what "normal" is. If you were raised by someone that was very into looking perfect then it is hard to know what reasonable is.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to insist that DD's hair be a .... here's that word again... managable length. perhaps planning a trip to the "salon" and making a big woohoo about it would have been an alternative. DD would probably have reacted totally different to that, than you cutting it yourself. ( but i am soooo not judging you because i know i would have done it in a hearbeat if i had told her to keep the clips in or i was cutting it and she took them out. That soooo would have been an natural consequence in my book).

so you did nothing wrong by cutting it but maybe honey would work better than vinegar in coaxing her to take better care of it.

If she is acting pretty on the inside it shouldn't matter the length of her hair. Hair isn't what makes her lovable.

and i'll be honest there are some days when cuteness goes a long way, and part of that cuteness is being presentable and not all wild queen of the jungle.

I would say. "It will grow back" and leave it at that. don't engage or make a big deal about it. or it will become a big deal to her.

honestly i never was told to look perfect and was a tomboy and that bit M. in the butt at times too so i'm sure that Emmy is atleast presentable and has the option to dress in clothes that she likes that arent extememly outdated (granted i buy everything used at consignment sales). yes she can wear whatever mismatched outfit she wants within reason and can wear big fancy dresses to 1st grade but she also knows she has to have her hair brushed and most days either up in some way or a headband...if not she gets home looking like her her is infested.

I dont think you pushed your idea of looking perfect on her. its reasonable to want her to not look like she's dirty

You may already be doing this, but just in case, I thought I'd mention it. Conditioner. For the longest time, I was just using baby shampoo on my daughter's hair - that was fine when she was a baby, but as she got into the 3s and 4s, it was always tangled, especially in the back, and brushing it out was torture. Then I started using a good, thick conditioner on it, and voila! It is so much easier to comb out, and stays much less tangled between baths.

Just don't freak out about it either way, and use the times when she goes out in public with a her hair all snarled up as free desensitization therapy from you childhood. Keep repeating to yourself - 'it's not what really matters, it's not what really matters...' Good luck!

The texture of my one daughter's hair lends itself to knots. I once convinced her to get it cut shorter thinking this would eliminate the problem. Ahh...wrong! I felt bad.

A beautician suggested that I use a leave in conditioner in her hair. We wash it, condition it, and then put a leave in conditioner in it (like Paul Mitchell's). It has made it so much more manageable and she can keep it as long as she wants.

Tell her you are sorry that she is unhappy with the cut. Remind her of why you did it and what her options are. I'd offer to take her to the store to buy detangler of her choice (we like Suave) and a headband or something if she would actually wear it.

I used to wonder "how can they let their kid go out like that?" and then I met my SD. I realized that there is something about little girl hair that just ties itself up no matter what you do. When SD was 11, we told her either she sat down and let us comb/braid/wrangle her hair or she had it cut or she did something herself but the tangled mess on her head would not do. In the end, she started to take care of it and she got a trim. I told my own DD that if she didn't let us pull her hair up, it had to be cut. You are certainly not the first parent to be in this position. So let the guilt go. I'm sure she looks fine, even if she's grumpy.

At 6 many are not old enough to keep it on their own. Compromise. You help her. Every night or morning make a hair brushing ritual just for you two. A treat to nibble on a plate, gentle head massage, soft voices- its mommy daughter time and I would work it up as such , no belittling but always encouraging- " someday you will do this for your daughter! " make it a very special time and she will cherish those memories when she gets older, and she will be chomping at the bit to care for herself in a few years just like mommy helped her do. People want to repeat things that are pleasurable.

Apologize and let her know in the future you will let her have more control over the style of her own hair. I don't force my ideas of what looks nice onto my kids, I think it is important to let them have control over their own look.

So just stop. Each time you start to get on her remember how you felt when your mom did that to you. Put yourself in her shoes. That should make you stop in your tracks.

She's 6 not 2. She's old enough to learn that her hair is just not hers but also part yours because you have to help her take care of it. So she has to learn to obey and leave her hair alone once it's fixed or you'll cut it super short so it won't be in her face or all messed up.

Make a rule that she needs for YOU to brush it in the morning and then YOU must brush it in the evenings until she can prove that she can and will do it.

YOU will have to check it each and every time. If she's already in bed and won't let you see it...she did not brush it. If it's brushed twice per day completely tangle free it will be fine.

I found a spray in item that I am so crazy about right now. I got it at Sally's. It's for both synthetic and human hair. It's for extensions but can be used on a person's hair too. That means it won't hurt the skin.

It was $8.99 I think. It might have been Biolage. It had Soy oil and a bunch of other stuff in it. I put it on our Cleopatra wigs to tame them down and my hands were still soft 2 days later from getting it on them while stroking the hair while brushing or combing it.

My daughter and I have come to a solution that works for both of us. We let her hair grow long for a year or 2 and then donate for locks of love. This way she gets to have long hair for a while, but I get it short for a while too. She feels good about donating and it's great to get a break from having to comb out all the tangles all the time.

My youngest at one point had hair (thick & wavy) down to her backside and it was hard to keep from getting knotted but what we'd do at bathtime and I know this sounds out there, but at Toys R Us they had this Little Mermaid Swim Set w/flippers and a scuba mask. She'd let me wash her hair, brush it, put detangler in it, then I'd braid it & she could then put her mask & flippers on & splash around in the tub like a mermaid. Like my mom taught me, we have to choose our battles, so what there was a mess to clean up on the outside of the tub, but no screaming & carrying on when she got out of the tub. She did end up getting it cut up past her shoulders and donating it to kids w/cancer when she was in the 1st grade but it's another battle now b/c she's 9 now & a little too old for the Little Mermaid stuff!