Bad Habit or Really Hard of Hearing

Well, for my husband I called it selective hearing...he hears me but only picks up what he wants to hear. He has over the past few years gotten better about not tuning me out so much. I started saying things like "I'm going to the store but when I leave and have the bagboy help me to the car I'm driving home naked" he'd say "what did you say?" then I'd ask him is there anything I need to get at the store you need? he'd say huh, I thought you said something about being naked...I played this game with him for a while (it was a bit fun for me). I'd also say something like I'm taking whip cream to the bank with me and telling that hot teller I want to nibble on him...he'd say your going to the bank but I didn't get all of what you said ...then I'd say yes, bank do you need me to make a deposit. Finally after a few months he caught me, no not driving naked but saying things to get his attention since he only listened to certain words instead of having a real conversation with me.....he listen's and makes a response now I think he's worried I may just do what he thought he heard and he better pay attention....lol

Try it if anything you'll get a laugh and he may end up listening to you...not sure if it works on everyone but a friend of mine started using it on her boss and he finally listened...she wasn't saying the things I said but did the same in saying things to finally get his attention to what she was saying about work and employees.

Hi, D M,
I went through something similar with my husband several years ago. It seems more likely that this is a learned behavior, because you repeat yourself, he is "tuning you out" the first or first few times. I wouldn't be overly concerned about his hearing, if it is based solely on his dad. As you said that's is due to a war injury (and old age), neither of which seem to apply to your husband.

I would suggest deciding what is really important for him to hear, and then choose a time when you have his undivided attention, creating this when necessary.
For me, I asked him to turn off the TV (not only mute it) and give me his full attention. Then I said what I want/need to, in the most concise way that still conveys what I intend. After this was the new way we communicated, I had an open, honest talk about how repeating requests made me feel more like his mother than wife. I pointed out the things I'd like cooperation with so that I don't have to ask repeatedly. And, I don't.

This works because I'm not "targeting" his behavior, or lack of listening. I'm addressing our needs and desires, as a couple. I find my husband, just like anyone else, myself included, responds better to, "what I love about you and what I want for us." rather than, "why don't you..." or "you always...". From time to time, sure we remind each other about our agreements, but that's a part of living with, and loving someone, you re-negotiate what's important.
It takes time to change a behavior, so be patient, with yourself and him.
If you want to know more specifics about how I turned not only this arount, but basically used it for our entire way of relating to each other, feel free to contact me.
Good luck!
Remember, you both love each other, and want the best for one another.

My husband does this too, and even when I think he's "heard" me, I find later on he has no memory of our conversation.

I have found, though, that if I call his name, get his attention, before I speak that I have a better shot of him hearing and remembering. It's not fullproof, and it's tedious, but it's the only thing I've found to combat "selective male hearing".

Try this little test in a situation where you remeber him usually using the huh with you try speaking something suggestive to him ( if your kids aren't around) in the normal tone you would speak to him or even a little softer. If he responds to you as most men will when sex comes into the equation you can pretty much count on it being selective hearing. its probably a good idea to have his hearing checked anyways.

Have you tried responding to the "huh?" with a silent stare? (I don't mean set him on fire with your eyes -- I just mean a waiting for him to process what you said the first time.) Or after the "huh?", a "what did I say?/ did you not hear me?/etc"

Have you talked to him yet about the "huh" thing really bothering you? My guess is, so long as he doesn't have a job around loud equipment or hasn't sustained some kind of injury, he's just gotten into a bad habit. I would maybe just start the whole thing with a talk about feeling like your being put off with the constant NOT paying attention/not caring?/not listening.

I think ALL men do the "huh" thing. Or they can so easily slip into it. When mine says "huh" when I KNOW he heard me, I repeat with some absurd thing like "I said, I'm pregnant with an alien baby." I need to come up with new ones because that one just gets eye rolls now. I think I'll try those whipped cream stories...

HAH I sat my WHOLE family down and finally let them all know I would speak only one time and if you didn't get it the first time, I was not going to repeat myself. I spend more time repeating than the activity or whatever I spoke of took to complete.
My kids do it too! ARGH
I start the conversation by saying their name and will say it twice and then go into the discussion or whatever. I get so tired of repeating or hearing huh or what!! My kids were taught at an early age to respond with 'excuse me' or 'sorry, I didn't hear all that' and thanks to the general public have gone to 'huh'. I absolutely will not repeat anything that I hear a 'huh' reply to.
I go through a retraining about once a year but it seems to work. Funny, if you ask a repeat from the deaf offender, they heard everything you said....it's just easier to say 'huh'. Of course, there are those days where I get really frustrated with them and respond back that I didn't hear THEM. amazing how that works.
I like the whip cream answer and I have done that with my husband on several occasions! He still says huh, LOL
I view it as being disrespectful to me when I speak and they don't listen....worse when we are in the middle of a discussion and they tune out!!!!!! They are all getting better but....
Good luck!

To me sounds like a hearing problem.If he works around machinery or has to wear ear plugs i would get him to be checked.I dont think they can tune us out that goor or either it has it down pat.lol.M.

I have the same problem with hearing. Its not so much hearing as it is difficult to concentrate. Stress, lack of sleep, anything can cause this. I personally battle with ADD and its especially hard when Im in the middle of something like cooking or washing dishes or the TV is on. Its like information overload so you have to cut everything off except what you are dealing with at the moment and its hard to switch tracks to listen to what your partner is saying. I drive my husband crazy but he has learned to say my name to snap me out of my zone before he speaks to me. It helps but also making sure he isnt stressed out and getting enough sleep helps too.

What does he say about it? Why don't you mention that you've noticed that it's happening alot and that you are going to stop repeating yourself because it just leaves you frustrated. If he wants to hear what you have to say, but is having trouble because of an ear problem, he'll ask you to speak up. If he shows no interest in what you're saying, even after being made aware of your feelings, then that's a clue of a different sort! Since he's a fully formed adult and you can't control him, try to take control of the situation by controlling how you handle it. If you can concentrate on not repeating yourself, then you are concentrating less on the thing that annoys you that is really his responsibility (whether it be his health or his attitude) anyway and focus on how you are going to dial down your stress level by not participating in the "huh" game anymore.

I think it's probably a habit. I know I say "what?" before I process what was said.

If you want it to stop, try suggesting that he get his ears checked, since he seems to have trouble hearing, which is a perfectly normal part of GETTING OLD. Don't be mean or sarcastic, be as sincere as possible when you point out that he is SO VERY OLD and his hearing is going bad. He may start responding just to prove his hearing is fine, and he's not old at all. Maybe.

Hi there.....To tell you the truth my husband and I have this conversation every weekend - that's the only time we have to really talk. He works around aircraft, but his hearing is just fine! He actually tells me that I always start talking at the wrong times.....when he's thinking (funny, I know!) or when he's watching something on tv. He also says that sometimes he doesn't understand why I tell/ask him some things. So as the other Mama suggested, he's just not interested! Just be sure to voice your concern to your husband, please don't keep it in because it's something that is very frustrating. Communication is so important, and you have to be able to talk about the small issues if ya ever want to tackle the big ones. My husband has actually made an effort to at least act interested and pay attention, so it's working....I think ;o

The first thing would be to see if he really does have a hearing issue, if that turns out not to be a problem, you might want to look at WHAT you talk about with him. My hubby and I have talked about this recently and in his words "I talk about myself and you talk about other people" Men generally are not interested in hearing stories about other people and women are usually very interested in them. So, basically you want to look at what you talk to him about during the day. If you find you're telling him things about other people that may not be that interesting to him, he's probably tuning that out so in turn, he tunes out the important things too. I've tried to make a point to do my chatting with my girl friends and save the things that are only important to him to talk with him about. He seems to be much more interested in our conversations now and engages much more with me.
Good luck!

AFTER HE HAS HIS HEARING CHECKED -- begin each communication with him with his name: "Bob, blah blah blah." This should catch his attention . . . or not. :)

LOL! I love Danea's test! It could be anything. If he fails Danea's test, then you should definately talk to him about getting his hearing tested. Assuming he doesn't have congestion from cold or allergies, he may have some hearing loss due to lifelong exposure to loud noises or moderate noises for extended lengths of time (construction noises or machinery humming, for example). In the meanwhile, try to get his full attention and eye contact before saying anything to him. He could also just be preoccupied with something. On the other end, I'm the one who always says "huh" to my husband because he's a low talker and mumbler. There is definately nothing wrong with my hearing. Have you always had this problem with repeating yourself to him or has it just started recently?

Good luck with the "test"! :)