My future sister in law asked me to be her maid of honor for her wedding in August. All of the bridesmaids including me have our dresses and my daughter is going to be the flower girl. She is so sensitive and I feel like I have to have make sure I don't hurt her feelings every time I have to talk to her about something. When she asked me she said, it's okay if you don't want to. One of her other bridesmaid's she is super close to; she's always coming over and staying the night, helping with her kids, they go shopping all the time and so on. I work full time, have two kids of my own and choose to not go do a lot in order to save money. They are always posting on Facebook, "Love you bestie" and "Can't wait to see you bestie" and "thanks for coming over bestie". Kind of annoying but anyway, I'm wanting to suggest she ask her "Bestie" instead because they are obviously closer and her friend seems to have a lot more time to focus on "The Bride" than I am. I just feel like I was asked because I'm the sister in law which is not how she should choose her maid of honor. Any advice on how to suggest this with some couth so she doesn't feel like I just don't want to?
Mommyofboy: I appreciate your honesty and honestly I don't think it's any secret that I'm a bit jealous. However, I'm not saying I want to back out for selfish reasons. The only reason I would want to back out is because I want her to get out of her maid of honor what she deserves and have all of the attention that she needs. I guess it's the control freak in me wanting her to make good choices for herself. Thank you for being honest that I will hurt her feelings because by no means do I want that. I have no grudge whatsoever that she is closer to someone else, I just think that the person closest to her is the rightful person for the job and don't want her to feel obligated to have me instead.
Just be honest w/her and tell her what you just asked us minus the quotes. She maybe relieved that you feel her bf should be the maid of honor. Like you said she my have felt obligated to ask you and if she knows how you feel it may be a good thing.
It sounds like you are a very epithetic person and can tell they are super close. I think it is very gracious of you to accept that she probably does want her best friend to be MOH.
You also made good points about how much work the MOH has and your lifestyle right now is not as flexible as her friend.
Offer the switch. Be as gracious as you can, just letting her know you noticed (in a good way) how close they are and that you are willing to swap places with the best friend. Congratulate them on their closeness and tell them you totally understand. I think it is very gracious of you to suggest.. especially since it is done from your heart and not out of malice.
When is the wedding? Are programs already made? I asked my original MOH to be it because we had been best friends in high school and had always said we would be either others maids of honor when we would daydream about getting married. Fast forward 6 years and I asked her to, we were still friends, but I asked because I had been her MOH 3 years earlier, and because I felt like I had to, but we had grown apart and it was just odd in planning etc. I know I should have never asked her in the first place, it just sort of happened. She came to me one day about 2 months in and said that the maid of honor spot should be for my friends I was closest to at that moment in my life, not someone who I felt like I should have that spot because of high school dreams. I really did want her to still be a part of the wedding, but there was someone else who was better for that spot. She wasn't offended, and I appreciated her bringing it up, because I didn't want to just take it away. She already had her dress, she stayed a bridesmaid, and she helped with her son who was a ring bearer, which was actually a blessing because she was needed more for him than for me on our wedding day.
She might be relieved. I would tell her that you are grateful to be included but know after seeing the 2 of them in action that it should really be her spot and you'd be happy backing her up as a bridesmaid. I would not mention that you don't have time or whatever. Dont bring yourself into the conversation. Frame it as your gift to her to gracefully bow out, although very honored, to make room for the 2 partners in crime to make her dream wedding everything it should be.
She obviously asked you to be her Maid of Honor for a reason...and I doubt it was just b/c you are her future sister in law. Maybe her "bestie" isn't as responsible as you are. Maybe she doesn't see a lifelong connection with her "bestie" like she does with you. Maybe she feels like her "bestie" is not Maid of Honor material. I would ask her why she chose you over this girl, and maybe that will give you more insight on how to handle it. This is a future family member and backing out could potentially cause some bad blood. I would ask her and if she says it's only because you are going to be family then I would just say to her that you feel like that is a job for a BEST FRIEND, and request that you simply become a bridesmaid and move the bestie up. But if she gives you a reason like she feels close to you or that she was hoping this would start a great relationship with you or even that she feels like you would make a great Maid of Honor over everyone else...just do it, it's her day and it would make her happy
"Any advice on how to suggest this with some couth so she doesn't feel like I just don't want to?"
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Well, you really just don't want to, though, right? I honestly don't see how you can get out of the obligation that you agreed to, frankly. Doesn't matter what her reasons were for asking you to be the MOH; I think if you back out you will damage the relationship. If she had wanted her BFF to be the MOH, she could have just asked you to be a regular bridesmaid. But she asked you. IMO, you just kinda have to suck it up. Good luck!
You already know she is super sensitive. And, she is your future sister in law. There is no way I would back out. You have already committed. This isn't about you - and by you saying "I guess it's the control freak in me wanting her to make good choices for herself", you are making about you, again. Go to the wedding as the maid of honor, smile, and make this day the best for her that you can. She asked you to stand up with her for a reason, and it is not your job to determine that reason.
And really, what is the difference in the title? In other words, if you back out of being the "maid of honor" and become "just a bridesmaid" - what does that do? Relieve you of a few responisibilites at the most? Her bridesmaids are still going to do for the bride what they would as a maid of honor. So the only difference is how you will be listed in the program, correct?
I don't really see the difference, whether you are bridesmaid or maid of honor--you just stand a little closer to the bride during the wedding ceremony. Not a big deal. It sounds like your future sil's getting the whole experience with the other girl, who is getting everything but the title. I think it really doesn't matter and you should just go on as planned.
Its really not your job or decision to pick the maid of honor for her. She picked you. And she probably did pick you, because you will be her SIL, but remember, you guys will be family, and she will be around for everything. You may develop a wonderful friendship because of this. I know I love my SIL with all my heart and would do almost anything for her. But she is almost 10 years younger than me too, and I had kids when she got married, we can all come up with excuses. She wants you. She asked you. I'm sure it would mean a lot to your brother too.
Honestly, I don't see how you can back out without hurting feelings. You sound a bit jealous of her relationship with her best friend? You agreed to be the maid of honor and you need to suck it up and follow through. The only legitimate "out" would be if it was going to be a financial hardship but you already have the dresses so that's not a valid excuse unfortunately. Sorry, my advice is to keep the peace and do what you agreed to do.
Hi A.,
Many people feel obligated to ask family first. I would simply put it in her hands. Tell her you know how close they are and if she would prefer it would not hurt your feelings. Tell her that her wedding should be everything she wants and you want that for her too. Ask her to be honest with you.....You may find out that she asked her "bestie" and she might not be able to afford the budget that a maid of honor incurs. Or she may really want you as her maid of honor for her groom....the only way you'll know is to ask. Just make sure it's about her and doesn't sound like it's about you...
God bless!
M.
