AWWW My Oldest Daughter Is Dating a Worm!

believe me i'm a single mom and i had to actually have my mom point out that my bf's have been total jerks and just using me and causing me to be sad and depressed all the time because i thought i loved them, don't give up on it i just wouldn't really push her i would more like show her the things he's doing compared to the guys she use to date and try and bring up stuff that she doesn't do anymore because of him cause i know my bf's that sound like him wouldn't let me go out with just the girls becuase he was afraid i would find someone better than him, so just try and show her that she deserves better.

T.- I have to say that I put my mom throught the same things. And as soon as she accepted that I was going to do what I wanted I reallized what a loser my boyfriend.
I have to tell you that my mom has been trouble with all of my boyfriends and even my husband and that is only affecting our relationship. When my first daughter was born my mom made it perfectly clear that she did not approve and that only made things worse. I couln't spend any time with her when she wasn't telling me to leave him.... NOW she has gotten to know him and understand why I am with him.

That is my advice to you!! Try and get to know him the more time that you and your family get to spend with you daughter and her boyfriend the sooner she will get to make up he mind about him. It may not be what you want her to think, but the more that you push the worse off you and your daughters relationship will be.
Good Luck I am here if you need to talk!!
A.

I would give her lots of support, positive vibes (to help pull her away from the negative) and try to get her to see the big picture. I would do a lot of listening and maybe she can talk her way into figuring it out. It is hard to do but hopefully she will come around. I dated a lot of scum when I was 18 and you just live and learn.

C.
28 year old sahm of two boys 7 y/o & 18 months

You have received many great responses! My daughter is 8 so I can't say I know how you feel, but I can empathise with your daughter and the situation at hand. I also had in my past dated boys that were a "worm". The thing about being 18 is that we are only young once and sometimes learning the hard way is the only way, and we want our mom's to be there to support us and love us when we make our mistakes and reality hits. I can honestly say my mother was famous for getting involved and writing letters not only to my boyfriends (and even friends) but thier parents! I lost some wonderful friendships and even an engagement because of this and hated my mom for so long because of it. As long as you are there for your daughter unconditionally with open arms when she needs you (and when she realizes what a "worm" she is dating)as that is what counts and she will love you even more for it!

Take Care!

Don't know if she is still dating the 'worm' or not, but i say this and had to add something.
Our typical response to any negitive comment in life tends to be to defend whatever it is - boyfriend, job, etc.
Something that has worked for me in the past is to make a possitive statement and then let them counter me with the negitive reality. Even if she won't tell you out loud she may start thinking about it alot more. I wouldn't try a drastic turn around, but just listen for an opening. If she is talking about an upcoming event - like Valentine's Day, then follow-up afterwards with 'how special he made it for her'. She probably felt so loved and charised by him etc.
Hope it helps.

One of my son's old girlfriends I didn't approve of. I just told him that I know he can do better and that I trust his judgement. A short time later they broke up.
A good way is to comment on the differences, but don't say that it has anything to do with him. Any put downs from you will be a reinforcer for her to keep him.
I know it will be hard, but you have to let your daughter decide for her self.
G.

Well, just recently having been in your daughter's shoes I would say back off. There's nothing wrong in giving your opinion of him, but if you're constantly bad mouthing him or acting negatively about him she will just stop talking to you about him (as I did with my mom). She is a smart girl and will eventually figure it out for herself. That's what growing up is all about! Sometimes it doesn't happen as fast as you'd like (I should've left my ex a LONG time before I did) but she needs to know that you're there for her for support, not to judge. As long as he's not doing anything to physically harm her then there's nothing you can really do. I know it's probably hard to hear, because you want so badly to protect her and I'm sure when I'm in your shoes I'll probably be having the same feelings as you...but she's an adult now and she will figure it out on her own. :) I hope this helps!

You've had a ton of great advice! I just thought I'd throw my situation in the mix... It's completely opposite, I dated an AWESOME guy, and we broke up but remained best friends. For about 3 years I dated other people and was still just friends with this guy. My mom absolutely loved him and kept telling me to go back to him. Well, one day she had me write down all the qualities I wanted in my future husband. Writing it down made me realize he was right in front of me the whole time, & now we are engaged. Maybe you could try something like that with her, have her write down what her "must haves" are and show her that he's not it. Or what she definitely doesn't want in a guy. My mom always told me the one guy worth crying over won't make you cry. Anytime a guy did anything to make me remotely sad I was immediately just done with him. I know that's unrealistic in the long scheme of life, but when dating a guy there's no reason it shouldn't be a blast.

Hi T.,
Both my kids are grown now, and the hardest thing for me to adjust to was that they are grown and to just be there to pick up the pieces. Of course as a mother we always have to let things be known but we can't control them just as our mothers couldn't control us. I remember that when my mother would say something like you need to get rid of him he is a jerk, I would rebel because I was grown up and would do just the opposite. Good luck

When I was that age I was rebelious, whatever my parents said I did the oposite. Don't tell her she needs to leave him, instead let her know what you have seen in her behavior and let her know you are concerned, but the choice is hers to make. If you can talk with a couple of her friends, see what their thoughts are and maybe they might be able to talk with her. At this point in her life they may have a way to make her listen, even if she won't listen to you.

Also, encourage your daughter to take self improvement classes if her college offers them. The college I went to offered 1 credit classes on everything from relationships, to self-esteem, to correct dining procedures. These classes are typically for half a semester so she might be able to get into a late semester one.

Good luck!

Been there, done that! Not as the mom, but as the daughter. From a daughter's point of view and as others have said, don't push. The more you push her to get rid of him the tighter she will hang on to him. I agree, point things out to her, but don't expect her to agree with you. Most likely she'll deny that she's changed, at least I did anyway. I did eventually get away and I started to see things differently and realized what a jerk he was, even though deep down I knew it before, but I didn't think I could find someone better who would want to be with me (I was told this a lot by him and somewhat believed it). Just be there for her, because eventually she will get it and wake up and she will need you there to comfort her. I wish you well and pray that her eyes are opened and that she sees him the way you (and more than likely) her friends see him, the way he really is.
Hugs and blessings ~ K.

Dear T.,
I have the EXACT same issue going on with my almost 22 year old daughter. She's been dating the same jerk for 3 years and no matter what he does or how much he hurts her (not physically but emotionally), she still tries to find the "good" in him and tries to show me the "good" side of him. How can there be a "good" side when she calls me all the time crying about what he's NOT done or what promise he's broken THIS time? I've tried to stay quiet, as I don't want to allienate my own daughter, but enough is enough. She can do better. She's a smart girl, making the Dean's List twice now in college, but what she sees in this guy, I have NO clue. I will, however, give Jared a good comment...he atleast works 2 full time jobs.
As for advice...I wish I had some for you, then I could probably help my own situation. I, too, have told the bf what I thought of him, but it didn't make any difference. He knows where I stand and NOW, so does my daughter. Thankfully she is still speaking to me, but I can sense a difference.
We were all young once, too, and thank goodness, we grew up. I can only hope that your daughter and mine, both, see the light and SOON.
I keep telling my 17 year old daughter that she is NOT allowed to date or anything, because I'm NOT going through with her what I've all gone through with her sister. Kayla just laughs and says "Mom, I'm different than her when it comes to the boys." We'll see.
Write to me on a personal level if you wish and we can discuss the issues more in depth.
Hang in there.
T. (____@____.com)

Hi T.,

I am a young mother of a 14 year old girl who has found that personally and with her there is nothing you can do about it besides let your daughter know how you feel about him and why. As a mother I know it is frustrating to see a worm like that disrespecting your daughter. As a daughter myself who has dated jerks I also know that when you love someone, or at least think you do, it is hard to let go, and hard to hear others criticize him. My daughter wasn't allowed to date, but then just did it behind my back. I told her that if she was going to do it anyway I'd rather her not lie to me about it. At least this way I get to meet the boys and monitor her time and activities with them even though I prefer her to just wait. They will do what they are going to do. You have to just try to give them your loving advice, and monitor their actions and reactions. I hope this helps.

C. W.

Hi T.,
My daughter is 18 also and has gone back to the same boy 3 times. I have come to the conclusion that she will figur out that he is a jerk and it just will run it's course. So what I am saying to you is let her figur it out on her own and you just be there for her when she needs it.

M. P

I guess it depends on how serious of jerk he is.

On one hand, she is 18 and an adult now. Pushing her to lose the jerk could subvert her need for self-responsibility, make her feel a lack of emotional support from you, and put a wedge in your relationship with her. You can't win this one for her, she has to make her mistakes and learn for herself. I learned a lot about what I want in a person from past bad relationships and what behaviors in guys to avoid.

On the other hand, if he is abusive and seriously making life miserable for her or even dangerous, then I think you should talk to her (not him- he'll make you an enemy) with your concerns. Be gentle, be supportive, and loving. A lot of women who are being abused want to get out of the relationship but can't do it themselves.

My ex husband's sister was married to a creep of the nastiest sort- an abusive drug and alcohol addict. Her parents were so afraid of alienating her that they ended up enabling her to stay with the jerk instead of intervening.

Just going on my expirience in life. Leave him alone! Don't correspond with him at all. If you interfere on any level and he breaks up with her and she doesn't want him to and you had a hand in it. She will never forgive you!! Especially if she never ever forgets about him. Even if she someday marry's a nice man every time they fight she will think of him....and you... and there you go again. Stay away from him. You don't have to talk to him or be nice to him when he is in your prescene natuarally...but most certainly don't pursue him. Your only ground you have is your daughter. Listen to her talk to her. Dont be judgemental regardless of what she tells you. Try and tell her supportive things like "you know baby, me and your father don't and never did fight like that" "do you guys want the same things in life" Things that will make her analyse her situation without you making a decssion for her. But be prepared, as i am sure you know, we don't always fall for the person that is the best for us. And frankly usually we don't care until it is to late. Just be her shoulder to cry on. No matter how hard it seems ruining your relationship with your daughter doesnt' help her or YOU!!

I'm sure that you've already been told what I'm going to say, but I didn't have the time right to read the other responses. I was that girl many years ago and my best, best, best advice is to let her figure it out on her own. I was a good kid but was "in love" with the wrong boy. My parents liked him at first and then realized he was bad news. I was extremely resentful that they didn't trust my judgement, especially since I knew that I was a good girl. So to spite my parents, I actually got pregnant ON PURPOSE because I wanted to "show them" that I was in charge of myself and could handle myself. It was extremely ignorant, and I gave birth to my first son the month before my 18th birthday. I even married him. Of course it didn't work out. He was possessive and mentally abusive, but I thought at the time that it meant he really loved me a lot.

I am convinced to this day that if my parents had just bitten their tongues about that guy that I would not have ever been so serious about him.

I hope that you and your daughter work this out and that she has a much better outcome than I did. :)

This is coming from a woman who at 18 thought she knew everything. If my parents told me something I just thought they were trying to ruin my life. Tell your daughter that she is a wonderful beautiful smart girl. Who deserves someone who will respect her and treat her good. Your daughter is going to do what she wants. But when this relationship goes south dont say " I told you so". Just be there for her and listen. Hold her hand and cry with her. You want her to trust you and you dont ever want her to be afraid to come to you with any of her problems. Understand were she is at in her life. Remember you was her age once before.

Your daughter has to learn from her own mistakes. If you keep pushing her, she'll start to pull away from you and you may lose her. Be patient and make sure he's not hurting her.

Even if he is, you have to tread lightly. Good luck.