Attention Much?

My husband is the opposite - kids come first - he only speaks to me if it is about the kids. He never has wanted to do 'us' time because that would mean finding a babysitter. We are headed for divorce (this is just a tiny bit of info)........I'd say its a fantastic thing he wants to share with you but maybe have a chat and set boundaries.

Holy cow, your husband sounds AWESOME! I think he does this cuz he thinks your hot. He's totally into you.

So many husbands are just the opposite. I think you're lucky.

:)

Your husband is the father of 4 children, and he doesn't have time for them. Either he's selfish, or he's been spoiled, or he's clueless. So what if he works full time? So do you, plus time and a half and double time on the weekends!

I would stop answering the phone even if it means turning off the ringer. I would set aside a half hour for him and tell him when it's going to be. Maybe it's 8-8:30 after all the kids are in bed, and make it contingent on him coming home and helping you get HIS children care for. One of you makes dinner, the other does the dishes. One does baths, the other does stories. If you nurse, he's doing baths. (Unless he wants to switch LOL!)

The other thing I would do is take a day off on a weekend, and get out of the house. It might mean you would need to take the infant with you unless you pump and he can give a bottle. But give him the other 3 kids at least, and be somewhere where your cell phone doesn't work. Maybe at your mother's and then you can take a nap???

Really - let him see what having 4 kids (or even 3) means on a daily basis. When he has no energy after 3 hours, maybe he'll understand what you feel like after a whole bunch of 18-hour days.

Then schedule a date night with someone to care for the other 3 kids (again, if you need to keep the baby with you) so he knows you love him and want to give him time. But make it clear that the kids come first, and if he wants you to have spare time, he has to create it for you by pitching in. You did not create these children yourself.

Hopefully he's just clueless and not really insensitive. Otherwise you may need some couples counseling. I know, I know, one more thing to squeeze in to the day. But at least he would have an hour where he could talk about his need to talk! He also would learn that pouting isn't the most mature or the most productive way to get attention or to handle frustration. If he could gain some coping skills by working with a professional (and feel free to get a male counselor if that would help), and if you could gain some spare time by not being the only one who recognizes a potential danger with what the kids are getting into, and if you both could maybe figure out some things that can "slide" and just NOT get done, you'd both be a lot happier.

My guess is that you have to be hyper-vigilant about the kids because he's not paying enough attention to them that you can ever relax and feel he's on top of things. And he feels unappreciated about his work stress. He may think that you're "home all day" and so your schedule is so flexible - he doesn't realize that schedules are things we moms create that then don't work when a kid has a problem! It's time for you both to get on the same page as a parenting team.

Ugh. This would drive me buggy!
I have worked in the same building with my husband and haven't spoken to him until we're at home.
I'm not into clingy. At all.
If you talk every couple hours, what's left to talk about in the evening?
Honestly, it sounds like he has NO clue as to what goes on in a house all day with 4 kids under 6!
I think it's time he learns.
Get out for the day. Even if you have to take the BF infant with you. The three remaining will have enough impact strength!
It also is a bit creepy that he keeps calling & tries the other phone. ???
Are your life and your activities and your job so trivial that you need to be "on call" 24/7?
Start assigning him some evening activities!
Sounds like he needs more to do!

Does he have any idea what your life is like? Sounds like he needs a dose of being alone with the 3 older kids for a day to gain some understanding!

Is he being controling? What is his reaction if he can't get a hold of you? You already said if you do not give him your undivided attention when he gets home from work and you have 4 kids to take care of. he should be coming in the door and spending time with the kids and giving you time to unwind.

He sounds controlling and selfish. Counseling or parenting classes may be a good idea.

Ditto to everything Diane said. Also wanted to add, his neediness may look sweet and cute on the surface but he needs to be more in tune with your needs; since men always complain that they're not mind readers, tell him what your needs are such as: "Honey can we talk about our day right after WE put the kids to bed?" "Can you bathe the girls/boys while I prepare their bed/fetch pajamas?". My husband NEVER got hints so now I just tell him what I need him to do, at first it was awful I felt I was giving out orders and really felt like a nag but it really works.

I think it's a great time to need to go somewhere for work (or any other good reason you can think of). Two days should do it. Take the infant with you. Leave him the rest. By the time you get back, your house will probably be a wreck, but your spouse will have a much improved understanding of what your life is like, and why, if he's not willing to step up and shoulder some of the responsibility in the evenings, you might feel like he is asking for too much of your focus.

I am also the SAHM mother of 4 children (ages 2-10 which I homeschool), with a husband sooo much like yours. And I feel your pain. My husband wants to tell me everything he's ever said, done, experienced or thought...and not just once. He likes to tell me the same stories over & over, expounding on each one as though it is going to be even more interesting today than it was the last 14 times. It's exhausting, I know.

But I am learning, slowly but surely, to appreciate the fact that I'm his "go-to gal." As a Christian wife and mother, I have learned that God wants our husbands to be our first priority. That's hard to picture when you're comparing this full-grown, capable man to a crowd of needy, helpless children. No, we don't just ignore our children's needs or shove them aside. But we do have to do our very best to meet our husbands needs, as well. And when our highest priority is to see to our husband's needs, we'll find that caring for our children is one of those needs...so it goes without saying. And no, women aren't put on earth as slaves to men. I just happen to disagree with the whole "Marriage is 50/50" thing. I thing marriage is supposed to be 100/100. Each spouse should put in 100% of themselves. But here's the catch...they have to do it with zero regard to whether or not the other is giving their 100%. If we only give what the other gives, then no one gives enough. Everyone is always waiting for the other person to do his/her part, and everyone ends up selfish and miserable. But if even one of them is giving it their all, giving 100% of their time, energy, heart and soul to serving the family, then the whole family can live in peace and fulfillment.

It's hard, and I struggle with it constantly. But it's so much worse if that annoying jabber mouth husband of yours (grin) just up & decides he doesn't want to talk to you anymore. I promise. My husband and I have been married for 17 years, and that happened to us at one point, when my oldest 2 were very young. I was fed up. I was up to my eyeballs in motherhood. I was tired and completely overwhelmed. It didn't take long before I had pushed my man completely away. It was a slow process. At first I just ignored him when he wanted to "unload on me," hoping he would get the point and shut up already! Then, when that didn't work, I started pointing out all the reasons I was too busy to listen to stories. When that didn't work, I told him I flat-out didn't care about whatever nonsense he was rattling off, and asked him to give me a break!! And then I went on to tell him how he didn't understand what I was dealing with. How he didn't help out enough. All of it...I threw it in his face a lot. Then, one day, he quit talking to me. I guess I got my break...but it wasn't a relief for very long. The wedge that it put in our marriage was devastating. And after a while...he found someone else to talk to.

Thankfully, I read a book that helped me realize how selfish I had been. This man, the one I used to dress up for every time I saw him, that I smiled for constantly, that I made sure I pleased in as many ways as possible...well, I had made him feel like the least important thing in my life. I'm not saying that there aren't things he could do better. Oh no...trust me. I could make a mile-long list of things that my husband should improve about himself. But what good would that do? Would that change him? Nope. One of my favorite lines from the book I'm talking about said something to the effect of, "No man ever crawled out from under a pile of his wife's criticism to become a better man." I can vouch for that. Because I was really good at pointing out his faults for a long time. But that didn't do anything more than drive him farther away. Only God can change his heart, and that only requires our faith and our prayers…and patience, lots of patience. But I found out that I could find peace and joy through working on my own areas that needed improvement, and then serving my family to the very best of my ability. When I put my effort into pleasing my man...for the sake of pleasing God (that’s the kicker)...that's when I find rest. If we are just trying to please our husband (or any human being), we’ll always be disappointed. We have to know that God called us to love, honor and care for our husbands. And when we do that, for the sake of obeying God and pleasing Him, our calling takes on a whole new meaning. And we just might find our husbands meeting more of our own needs. ;-)

I know I'm not explaining this very well. I'd like to recommend the book. "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. One of my favorite chapters is about the Three Types of Men. You may find that you're married to a Visionary, like me. They looooove to tell us all of their ideas and opinions. It's annoying, but I'd rather it be me he's talking to!!! I don’t know if this will help you. Just know that I can relate. If you do want to talk more, I would be more than happy to. Just private message me. I think sometimes it helps to talk to another wife/mom who can relate to your situation. And sometimes we just need to vent to someone who understands. A woman who is not married to a man like that will never understand. And you’ll get lots of advice that could hurt your marriage. Not because it’s necessarily bad advice, but maybe it’s advice better suited to that person’s marriage with their type of man. You may be thinking that about my own advice, in which case, just disregard it. But if you do feel it applies to you, I hope you will read that book. Or at the very least, you can get in touch with me through private message, and we can encourage one another…regarding these talkative men of ours!!

God bless!
cc

It sounds like his calling all the time and wanting to talk might have been what drew you to your husband in the first place. What girl wouldn't want a guy who is able to open up and carry on a conversation. Now as a mom, it is tough. You can't ignore his needs but you can't ignore your kids' needs either. You need to find a happy medium. When the kids are in bed and you are just quietly nursing the baby, call your husband over for a deep conversation.

Tell him you need his help. Guys need instructions. They want to fix things. Let him know that you want so badly to have the intimate time you used to have before kids but now you have these precious 4 little ones. Ask him for suggestions on how you can spend time with him without neglecting the kids while they are at this very dependent age. Come up with some ways you guys can "sneak" some fun together.

It sounds like he needs to know that you still desire him, still look to him as your knight in shining armor, and still have the most respect for him. He just sounds like he is crying out for that reassurance.

In answer to your last question, he doesn't understand because he is not in your shoes. No amount of describing you life to him will make him understand what your life is really like. Accept that. You can't really understand his needs like he can't really understand yours. And it's okay. Just remember that we need to continue to treat each other like it was the last day we might ever get to see them.