At My Wits End - Imperial, MO

Im sorry I would remove him right away. That's crazy. Either those adults are losing it or there's a kid whose a mess.

C., you asked for advice and I am sure you will get all kinds, from every type of parenting style. Let me begin by explaining that I have raised 3 children and my perspective comes from that experience. It is an acummalation of years and not only my own children but the children of friends and family.

STOP!!!!! Right now stop focusing on the fact that you are pregnant. Many women have multiple children and are able to maintain the other members of the family. This is not about you being pregnant, it is about him and his behavior, just stop!

Look at the sitution from the way you described. He is acting up at daycare, not at home. Why???? Because he knows he can get by with it at daycare. He knows that they will not punish him for it. Why not at home??? Because he knows he cant get by with it, he knows you will punish him for it.

He is making a decision, to behave in a way that is acceptable within his environment. The fact that you punish him later for it does not seem to matter. To some it might but apparently to him it does not.

In my oppinion he no longer deserves to attend daycare, at least that one. Give him a real time out, make his actions mean something to him!!! You have a few months to make this impressioin and it has to be a good one or he will enter school thinking it is going to be the same way.

So remove him from the environment that allows this kind of behavior and place in a strict environment. Tell him that it was his own actions that brought this on and that you mean business!!!

Find someone for the next few months that is willing to get him back under control. To allow him to continue in that environment is not going to help him, in the long run it can only reinforce that he does not have to comply with them.

This is not about you being pregnant!! This is about a 4 and half year old little boy who has learned that he is an independant being seperate from you, and his day care workers. This is about his choices to behave in a way that is unacceptable and realizing that he will not pay for it.

Take a few days off of work and get this taken care of. Do not send back on Monday!!! He has made his decision, now you need to respond to it as quickly and swiftly as you can. The longer this takes the more you reinforce the fact that he can do and say whatever he likes at school.

Hi C., I want to say that I agree with Cher A 100% and just wanted to add that if you do go to a diffrent child care make sure that the new one know up front why you are changing and what you are hoping to acomplish by your son going there. You may even check with your school district to see if they have a pre-school. I know that ours does and it's really good. Good luck!! I feel you pain - I have a little one in kindergarten that if you give her an inch she'll take 10 miles. You have to be firm in consistant with those kinds of kids. But keep in mind that the stong willed kids are the ones that change the world and will do great things if you teach them to direct that stong will properly.

Hi,
I would definitelty say without a doubt, he needs therapy. It sounds like you have done pretty much everything you can do as far as punishment. You have got to figure out a way to control your son, if you cannot do it, you should seek professional help. Its ok to help if you need it. Not just for the sake of you and your son, but for the innocent teachers and children hes hitting and cussing out. Can you imagine how the kids and the parents of these kids are feeling about the way your son is treating them? If that was happening at my childs daycare, I would probably pull her out of there.
My daughter is 4 and we just had a baby 7 months ago. I noticed some differences in my daughter after the baby, she would have unexplained meltdowns and be really sensitive. But she never hit anyone or cussed at anyone......ever! I do make sure my daughter still gets a good amount of time from Mommy and Daddy by herself so she doesnt feel left out or less important. Your situation will probably only get worse when the baby comes if you dont do something about it now. Good luck!

I do agree that he needs a different environment. As a provider, I have to also ask as someone else has said, you need to be honest about why the change. It's not necessary to blame anyone or anything (the school or the pregnancy). But, there are providers out there that know how to get these kids under control. For some dang reason God must know that I can. I'm not even sure how I do it. It's not that I have the patience of a saint. But I am constantly being put in a position to work with kids that have been kicked out of previous places. I have a good track record of turning them around. It usually takes me about 3-6 months before the transformation is complete. But other people ALWAYS comment on how much better behaved the child is after being with me for some time.

I recently had a new addition in the daycare. The hours are extremely part-time and the hours fit perfect with all the other kids and parents schedules. I really thought all was peachy. But it's become perfectly clear I am being called on once again to fix what's broken. This takes a lot of time, prayer, and when things get rough I have to pull out all the tricks I know to keep myself sane while we are going through it. I just feel very cheated because the parents hid the behaviors from me. I'm also hearing the same things you are saying...He doesn't do this at home. Seriously, if it's true don't tell the provider that over and over. She likely won't believe you and even if she does it just makes her feel worse hearing it. Oh and by the way, my new addition has been with us for a month. It's about 30% better so far. Each month will be better than the month before. It really is what I've been called to do. I just don't enjoy doing it sometimes.

You need to find someone with a very LONG track record and hopefully someone that has nerves of steel. He will try all these things with her and hopefully she'll know how to put her foot down and stop him in his tracks.

Suzi

Hi C.,

I just wanted to say that I totally agree with Cher!!!!

C.,
I am so sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble right now. My kids both spent a very VERY small amount of time in daycare back when I worked outside the home, and I just couldn't deal with the personality changes that I felt stemmed from their being over-stimulated, under-attended, and basically being treated like cattle.
I wonder if you've given any thought to hiring an au pair to come live with your family and provide childcare in your own home? My company, AuPairCare, helps families just like yours find au pairs from overseas to provide live-in childcare for one to two years. Au pairs may work up to 45 hours per week and up to 10 hours per day, and they can do anything kid-related. Best of all, they're caring for your children in your house and following YOUR guidelines for things like discipline, meal time, nap time, all of it.
With a new baby on the way in August, and your son heading to Kindergarten in the fall, you really may want to consider this as an option. You'll probably be on maternity leave for a while and that would be a great time to have an au pair come in so that you can train her and really get to know her before you head back to work. Best of all, you can get some one-on-one time with your little dude while your au pair watches the baby OR get a nap while your au pair plays with your son. It's really the best of both worlds.
It's not nearly as expensive as you may think, and having an au pair really does make life easier. You'll have more time to snuggle and play with your kids and spend less time worrying about what sorts of nasty habits they're learning at daycare.
Feel free to get in touch with me by email, or check out our website at www.aupaircare.com for a little more info. I think you may find that this program will be great for your family. I've had other host moms with very similar stories and this program has been a life saver for EVERYONE!
Good luck!

C....REMOVE him!!!! I just went through this with my child back in September. According to the daycare he was a horrible child (not the exact words they used, but pretty close). The daycare was state licensed so they had to do the redirect approach, but their idea of redirecting was to put him in the directors office for 1/2 the day or in the baby room for a few hours!!! More than likely your child is NOT the problem, he is probably a lot like mine and needed more attention (or at least some - as our daycare was short handed for a time). My son would come home from daycare saying he was a bad boy (I was literally in tears over him saying this because that is not the child we had at home). His self esteem was wounded and you could tell that just by looking at him. I moved my son to a home daycare in LS and we have had nothing but bliss every since. It was worth the transition because it was the right environment. If you are in the LS area I might be able to talk to my babysitter to see if she or her very reliable neighbor ladies (they all watch children and are all great - very good environments) are taking anymore children. My best advise is to think about how your child is at home...is he used to lots of attention, rambucuous, etc. and then interview anyone or any daycare that you are looking at thoroughly to find someone/place that you feel comfortable with and so does he (make sure to be honest about his behavior in his current environment and ask them their thoughts - explain everything how they discipline him, what he is doing that is the problem, etc - that way you find the right fit). Also, I personally don't think that you need more negativity (as in time outs), but a good environment (that does do time outs if necessary just not excessively)...I think you are just feeding the negative energy by adding more. Redirecting does not always take away the negativity sometimes it is worse as the daycare workers make comments instead of reasoning and relating and not all daycares follow the instructions of redirecting properly. Sorry, I am rambling, but I am very passionate about this because I was just like you and I thought I was doing the worst job as a parent. Hang in there and follow your instincts. Good luck! :)

PS Don't take this the wrong way, but if you are going to put something in your child's mouth please stop the soap in the mouth, especially, as it is toxic...try vinegar instead (very healthy and tastes nasty).

C.,
I am sorry you are experiencing this frustrating problem. I too am pregnant and I know how stressful and issue like this can be during this time. My daughter started to behave horribly last year. We had a nanny at the time and she would call us and tell us that my daughter was slamming doors, kicking her and screaming at her. We were shocked! She was 4 years old (she's almost 5 now) and she had always been such a sweet child that loved praise and did all she could to get it. It was as if someone flipped a switch. Then my husband and I started noticing it, the screaming the crying the slamming doors. Our neighboors were actually concerned at one point because she just that loud!

Well, we were concidering an therapist that a friend recommended and then I had an idea. I was starting to notice that our nanny was giving my daughter sugar left and right. Cookies, popcicle (we couldn't keep enough), juice, chocolate chips, sprinkles, ice cream, even teaspoons of sugar just for fun!! Then we topped it off at night giving her even more, unaware of the true amount she was getting. So I implemented an no sugar rule. Literally 3 days later, she was our angel again and the monster that we had come to know was gone pretty much for good. We see it every now and again when we give her too much sugar but never like it was before.

I sure hope that this is a dietary issue, because that would sure be an easy fix. Good luck!!

Hi C.,

My first thought is, where did he learn those words?? Are they commonplace at home? If so, you can thank yourselves for that. At four years old, they are only mimicking what they hear. He doesn't know any better, so giving him a consequence probably won't work.

I really don't think your being pregnant is the culprit here. He may not understand why your tummy is getting big. The behavior you stated usually doen't happen until after the baby arrives.

As for the daycare issue and what you call, "negative consequence"... I don't see anything wrong with how they are handling it. You really don't want negative consequences when dealing with this type of behavior. Getting him to focus on something else instead of the negative behavior he's showing is the best thing for him. When he shows positive behavior, you need to praise him for a job well done.

Have you gotten him involved with Parent's As Teachers? You can probably access it through your local public school. They can offer suggestions for all your concerns. They also have activities for your son to get involved in.

As for the hitting, kicking and cussing... this behavior is unacceptable. If it were my son acting this way, I'd take him away from the other children and not let him go back until the issue is resolved. I know of a program that I recommend to all moms who have children with behavorial problems. The site is www.thetotaltransformation.com

Please take a look at this... your child can truly benefit from this program. He is totally worth it and so is the welfare of your soon-to-be new baby!!!

God bless your family!! ls