At My Wits End!!!

Unfortunately, this is the age girls get mouthy and obstinate. You need to find one thing that she does that she really likes and take it away. My son gets mouthy and I take away his bike for a few days.

Do you give her a reason to do the chores you want her too? Like with my boys I give them an allowence as an insentive to do their chores. I know there are some things kids should just do and not get a reward for it but it helps to give them something to look forward to.

I do understand how frustrating it is when they do what they want to instead of listening to you. If she does something that is against the rules, you must be consistant in the consequence she gets.

I hope this helps. Good Luck!!!

Patience, Patience, Patience...
I have 7 kids there kinda in two sets the oldest are 15,14,14,and 13 the younger three are 5,3 and 8 months and it goes boy, girl, boy , girl all the way down.
I have always found my girls to be more difficult, one parent suggested a chore chart that worked amazing for me I sat down once a month and put down exactly what they needed to do on each day of the week so they new exactly what was expected of them. I do not pay them for thier chores, they are a member of the house and contribute to the mess so they are expected to pull thier own weight, were they can earn money is on things that I need done and can't get too, like washing the car, mowing the lawn, cleaning off the porch that kind of stuff. Be very specific on your chart. Clean bedroom, pick-up bathroom ect....
Know to the half way part I found for my kids I would make a list of what cleaning your room meant....put toys in toys box, pick dirty clothes up and put in hamper, but clean clothes in there proper drawer you get the point. Then I bought those plastic cover's for term papers ( sorry I am having a brain fart and can't remember what they are called :) ) then I hung them in each room and they had to go down the list and check it off as they went ( white board markers work great for that) IF they didn't do thier chores before dinner they didn't eat I would give them a glass of milk and a slice of bread, that was the hardest part because as a mom you want them to eat, but it only took once, with the more stubborn ones it took a couple of times, after all if you want something from me you have to help because I can't do it all and I am outnumbered.
The mouthy part I really haven't mastered I tried the explaining thing but a lot of the problem is hormones and your daughter is just the right age were everything is going haywire and even they don't understand it, one thing I did learn that worked was ignoring them when anything they said came out as rude, and then tell them that I would listen when they had something a little nicier to say and in a manner that wasn't rude, at first that would really anger them but as soon as they understood I meant what I said it got better, (not towards each other but at least towards me).
Hope this helped and sorry it was so long but I didn't know any way to shorten it, also don't forget your 5 year old can do chores too just keep them age appropriate.

Hi M.,
It sounds like a typical child but I understand the driving you crazy part. I know from my own experience that you get tied up in your own life sometimes and all she might be asking for is some mom and daughter time. Maybe sitting aside some time that just the two of you go for a walk or shopping, or the movie of her choice. It isn't always the quanity of time we spend with our children but the quality of time.

Good Luck
Take care
L.

M.-
I know this may sound silly, but do you also reward her and praise her for the good things that she does. Weather it be good grades or helping out with the younger kids? Summer is here and that is a good thing to start. IF your chores are not done at night or whenever you will not go out of this house the next day. THere needs to be a time everything must be done by this time ___. She is at that age that she wants to have more freedom and be testing your patients. SO you, dad, and her need to sit down and make a chore list together and make sure that she is included in this and it might be easier.
GOOD LUCK

I to have the same problem with my 8 year old son. So maybe its the age group. Sometimes I think that I expect to much out of him, but then he does it again and I realize no its him just plain not listening, or not even trying to do his best. Dont give up because I am in the same boat as you, lets hope its the age group. Is he hearing ok? Or does she just have the selected hearing? My son has had tubes in his ears and so I thought that was the reason, but I am beginning to think thats not the problem. I have started to take away favorite toys, outside playtime and anything he enjoys, that helps sometimes.

The first thing that comes to mind is call Dr. Laura. I'm sure she would have a great answer. Since your daughter is very smart I would say you need to change how you handle and approach the situation. I don't have any answers for you, but I would seriously check out www.drlaura.com I don't listen to her much right now, but she does have sound advice that makes sense.

Okay, I'm editing this because I found something that may help you out. Instead of copy and pasting I hope it's okay, I'm just going to put the link here: http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1099637.aspx I hope it will give you some ideas and something to try.

Oh yes the wonderful 9's. You would think that after all the other stages of growing up you would have the hang of it by now. But as children they keep growing and learning new things. And some of them are not always great. I'm in the same boat. Well I don’t have amazing advice to give you but I wanted you to know that you are not a lone. And luckily they don't act like this at school or other peoples houses. They are angels else where.
I did notice that when I asked and she didn't do it then I would just do it myself she felt really bad. And wanted to jump in and do it. We had more heat over me not letting her do it then when I was nagging and yelling. So what the other mom said may be a good way to go. I will have to look into that some. Good luck! You are not alone.

Make sure she has a chore chart with daily chores. Once she has completed her chores give her some sort of reward. Girls at this age love independance. Have her start saving half of her allowance, giving 10% to a cause of hers, and spending the leftover.

Make sure she has enough priveledges to keep her busy. This way you can take them away instead of other punishments.

She is going through normal stages of puberty. Hormones will do amazing things to our kids and their listening skills.

Maybe try something where she has to earn privileges. Everything from allowance, to go to a friends house, to watching TV etc. And not as a temporary thing either, have that be the way your house operates, so the younger too can see how it is going to be for them.that way she can see how she is affecting herself, and not just you. and do it calmly, even if you want to strangle her, don't let her see how much she is driving you nuts. Good Luck!

My kids are a little bit younger but what works best for us is 1-2-3 magic combined with levels of priveleges. The levels are drawn out on a chart and there are priveleges associated with each level. We have 5 levels and we colored them. The top level (purple) has special priveleges such as game cube. The bottom level (red) is as low as it gets. The kids have to do chores until I've decided they've earned a level. Then they go up one to orange where they are grounded to their rooms. As their behavior improves they can earn their levels and the priveleges that go with each one. If I ask them to do something or if they are misbehaving I just count to three and then they lose a level. It didn't take long for my kids to memorize what priveleges go with each level and now when they ask for things such as playing outside or having a friend over I just have to ask them "What level are you on?" and then they know the answer. We have had to modify it as the kids have gotten older but the concept is still the same. The key is to be consisitent and don't forget to move them back up as they behave.

Hi M.,
I have a 9 year old son and we have also gone through this. In some ways I think it's the age they are trying to learn there independece and become "big" kids. What I have done is I sat down with him and told him that when he doesn't listen to me it hurts my feelings and makes me disappointed in him. I started only asking once and then if he didn't do as I asked I started to do it, once he saw mom doing it he came and tried to help well I told him thanks but no thanks, I asked you once and now I will do it myself. It shamed him and only took a couple of times. I had tried the yelling the corner and everything else I could think of. Then when he asked me to do something for him I ignored him and he didn't like it at all. Then a friend told me about parenting through love and logic and I looked it up on the web and its awesome, I took some ideas from there and molded it to fit my parenting style. In less than a month I had my very loving baby boy back who listens and does as he is asked. I would tell him (just for example) I need you to put your jeans in the laundry and then hang your towel up, if it looked like he was going to ignore me I would then follow up with if you don't do as I have asked then I will not let you (do whatever it is they have been looking forward to) or you will go to bed 30 mins early. So I gave him the choice of either listening to me or not. The key though was to follow through.
Anyways I have rambled and rambled I hope some of this helps a little at least.
Good Luck
S.

I would sit down and explain to her that her not listening to you is driving you nuts and together you can form a plan of action. Line out consequences for the things she's doing wrong. Think of a punishment to fit every crime from sassing to not listening. The most important thing to do is to follow through with it every time. If she sees that there will be a negative to her actions she should start reducing those negative actions. If you think jumping from something as minute as her not listening once to a consequence is too harsh then take a tip from a lot of elementary teachers. They will give a warning. Sometimes it's helpful to have a visual cue like having 3 cards and keeping it on green, then turing it to yellow for a warning, and finally red if she continues--then give the consequence (already lined out, of course).

Also, a lot of kids don't really know exactly what's expected of them (even though we think we've done a good job making sure they do). Make sure that she does by talking with her!

I have a sister with a 16 year old daughter who was a tyrant at age 9. She had a lot of things going on in her life and my neice was acting out. My sister took a love and logic class and it helped ALOT! You need to establish that your house is not a democracy but a benovelant Monarchy. You are in charge and you are in charge for good reason. You need to find out what motivates her. who cares abut "why she does things" the importnat issue is what movitavted her to want to do or not do what to do what you asked/did not ask. Once you find a motivaiton factor you can use that to your advantage. Try and find out her weaknesses and trun them into her strengths. IF SHE DOES NOT LISTEN TO YOU, Then in turn You might try not LISTENING TO HER. IF SHE ARGUES WITH YOU TELL HER, "I HEAR YOU, SWEET HEART; I FEEL FOR YOU, HOWEVER THIS IS HOW IT IS... OR THIS IS HOW IT IS GOING TO BE. The most importnat thing to remember here is consistancy and firm- fairness. You must adapt a plan and stick with it! Alos instead of focusing on her faults use behaviorla therepy ot focus on all her positive behaviors. Encourage her positive desireable behaviors. She will act up still but if she feels you are validating her strengths and her good attrubutes she will be more inclined to test those waters more often eventually even extuingishing the more disruptive behaviore. What behavior do you give her more attention for, her positive or her negative? Hope this helps.

I am sorry for your problems. I have a daughter that is 10 and we have had the same problems. Anyways we discovered it was ADHD. I was very surprised since I had ill feelings towards this diagnosis. I did a lot of research and with medication she has been absolutly a different person. She is doing better in school, she can clean her room and help around the house with out all the hassle. Anyways it is just an idea.

Good luck.