At a Crossroad

If you really love him and want to stay, there are Al-anon meetings with babysitting that you can go to. You can't fix him, but at the meetings you can learn to deal with everything that you're going through. Believe me, it helps to put things in a different perspective.

Hello S.,

Girlfriend, today is your day! You already know what you need to do, but you need some energy and encouragement.
I need you to do one very important thing right now and that is to take this very long list of reasons why you can't make it on your own and throw it in the trash.

What you need is enough uuumph! to get you past your pregnancy and into some regular clothes so that you can get on with the rest of your life.

Yes, you are expecting too much of him. He is incapable of delivering to you the help that you need. From the description you provided, he is selfish, immature, lazy and using you to keep his house.

This man is not going to change. You are not going to change him. He was like that when you found him but love blinded you to his faults and trust me, they are his faults.

You are pregnant, caring for 3 1/2 kids and running a house between hospitalizations. The only way to demonstrate any further how much you need his help is to call an undertaker and jump on the table and let them cart you out of the building. Stop trying to convince him about what you need.

Men are intrigued by achievers (which is what you once were) in his eyes you have become a whiner and a drain on his extended adolescence.

OK, so how do you get back to you (the achiever)....
It may seem like more work now, but trust me, in a few months you will be doing well for yourself, without the added burden of a selfish grown up child that yells at you at the most unwelcomed time ever.

Lay those kids clothes out the night before and bath them at night.

Get up one hour earlier in the morning. Put the toothpaste on the toothbrushes. Lay out the washclothes. Go to the kitchen pour everyone some cereal in a bowl, pour them a glass of juice or water, load up the toaster. Make everyone's lunch; juice, sandwich,snack, piece of fruit, toss it in their backpack.

Go wake up the kids(one by one if you have to),get everyone a fresh washcloth and swish them real good. Dress the kids up and sit them down for breakfast.

Make your break to dress yourself while they are eating. (If it is easier, Dress yourself before you dress them).
Personally, I would make everyone's bed, but this is not crucial at this point.

Everyone gets loaded into the car and dropped off at their destination and you go off to work, getting there on time.
(Where is Dad in all this? We don't care, this your dress rehearsal that prepares you for the rest of your life).

You've now got your kids under control. You are at work on time (therefore preserving your present paycheck)and your way to make a living. Put a little extra away--you know, your own little Christmas Club Account-for later.

As you get better with this, you will learn that it takes only a little more energy to pick them up from school, sit them down with their homework, while you throw the laundry in the washer and start an easy dinner. Sit down and make a list of each room of the house you will attack (starting tomorrow).
Your list might be read thusly:
Monday-Kelli's Room
Tuesday-Billy and Bobby's Room
Wednesday-The Living Room
Thursday-The Den
Friday-Give The Kitchen a Good Cleaning
Saturday-Rest or Entertain the Kids.
Sunday-Church, a nice dinner, make preparations for Monday Morning.

Teach the kids how to vacuum, pick up after themselves..No more arguments with Daddy...Hey, all of a sudden he doesn't have anyone to argue with anymore and his world is growing quieter...Just wait (it gets even better).

Be sure to submit in a timely manner for Maternity Leave and return back to work exactly when you stated you would. It is tempting to want to stay home with the baby and if you find you really to to stay, work with the Social Services Agency in the hospital, they really have great resources that they don't tell everyone about.

Once Girlfriend S. has the new baby and fits him/her into her new routine and can fit back into her old Jeans, Mr. is going to start getting a little nervous and a little more territorial, but its too late for him. The writing was on the wall regarding his termination of marriage contract way back when you starting lining up the toothbrushes!

He may start acting better, but this is only a mirage. Repeat, this is only a mirage! not to be believed...you know that he will start acting like he did back when you were dating...a real gentleman, kissing the new baby, rocking, coddling, loving...but once the baby hits toothbrush age..you will be back to your life before this message. Don't believe the hype. His goose it cooked!

Use your lunch hour at work to find other ways to supplement your income and life without Mr. in a few months. You might even have to scout around for lower priced dwellings.

How much will your half of the Sale Price of your home bring you?. This money may help you and the kids to stay afloat while you're looking for alternative sources of income and you best believe that since his job is so important, he will be kicking-in for the continued support of his family.

While you have him now, does he give you money that you can set aside to be used a few months down the road?

Don't threaten him that you are going to leave, that may endanger you. He is yelling now, but he may become physically abusive if he thinks you are going to leave him or tell other people how he acts. Just work your plan, silently, methodically.

So there you are are, the beginning of a plan to extract yourself out of your current misery.You don't need anybody else. You can do it.

I have been married 30 years to a very good man and I adore and appreciate him, but if he had ever pulled any one of the acts Mr. pulled, I would not have hesitated to enact this plan.

I have two sisters and a daughter and I would not allow them to suffer in the way the you are suffering right now.
In fact, my daughter has a young friend who has a two year old son and just had a baby by a guy that everyone warned her about. Well she didn't listen to her friends and guess what, he left her a week after the baby was born. He married another girl.

You can take care of everyone. You are doing so right now. What may be so unbelievable to you is that there is another person in your home who made vows before God and man that he would not do to you what he is actively involved in doing right now.

It hurts, you may even feel like crying, but if I were you, I would buy me some strawberries, dip them in decadent chocolate, lay down on the sofa, take a nice deep breath and then smile to myself knowing that everything is going to be alright. Everytime I looked at Mr. I would be giving a silent goodbye. I might even try to remember what attracted me to him in the first place.

Shake it off, because people can only be fixed who want to be fixed. Everytime he yells that is your cue that he is not asking you for help. He is pushing you further away.

You know whats coming. Women have been making it on their own from the beginning and if we weren't capable of taking care of our babies, it is my belief that God would have selected men to be the bearers of new life.

Reveal in your womanhood, you are whole, complete and you are going to make it.

And before you take on another man, check him out. So how he is about helping around the house. Observe how he acts with your children (is he aloof? or always trying to be alone with you and not you and kids?). Always ask why his other relationships didn't work.

Good Luck!
Sincerely,
Angie

S.:

As an outsider looking in - I was absolutely troubled when I read your note. Based on what you shared, your husband is an idiot, an emotionally and verbally abusive person who has no concept of what it means to be a husband or father. NO you're not wrong about asking for more help from him. It's a husbands responsiblity to take care of his family - I understand that you work as well. I would seek professional help (are you in a position to receive counseling? does your insurance cover it?) If not, I would encourage you to contact your local Catholic Charities (you don't have to be Catholic) they offer counseling on a sliding scale - if you can affort only $5.00 than that's what they'll accept.

He needs to be accountable for his actions and behavior. The drinking is unacceptable and the late nights are inexcusable. Would he be willing to seek help with you? If so, that's great. Always remember - you do have options. I know how scary it must be, but remember that know matter what if you have trust in the man above he will take care of you.

I don't even know you, bu yet i am worried about you. This guy sounds like a real "winner." I don't think it's possible to tell you what to do, b/c this is your situation and you know your options far better than me, or anyone else for that. I think you know what you need. What are your options. STart here. List them on paper. What does your gut say? Here's the thing. You are all you need. I know it's sounds rediculous, but you can get yourself and your kids through this. Make a plan. If you can't leave, start putting money aside. start looking for cheap/subsidized housing. Find resources, b/c they are out there, you just have to look for them. i will say a prayer for you.

I would strongly suggest going to counseling. Even if he won't go, you could go yourself. If you can't afford it, find a local church that offers counseling.

My ex was exactly the same way - I left with one (thankfully) and we made it just fine. My credit went in the can but we were so much happier. Now remarried and have a man who helps with everything and is a wonderful dad - to now 3. I wouldn't walk out today but I would definately start sticking back every dime I could - make a plan. When you have enough money put back to handle things for 3 months - tell him you're moving out - unless he agrees to change his ways and get help. Some men need a jolt of reality and they straighten up and some will tell you to leave. Either way, be prepared to enforce it if you say you are leaving. Bluffing just blows up in your face. Call FAMILY! Believe it or not - your parents may jump on the opportunity to help you get a better life!

Wow, First let me say you hang in there you are dong a great job and do not get enough praise or respect to raise 3 children is a full time job in it's self.
As far as your man mmmmmmmmmmmm. okay let me be kind. First oh heck no he is the lazy one. this is a job for 3 one for each child. I understand you can not afford to leave but do the children hear the degrading of you and the fights. Number one is to keep as functional of a household as possible. I would point out ( probably does not matter) that as the father of one and one on the way he is teaching his children values and morals that will be with them a life time. And that is that the father does not need to participate in family matters. You as a single parent ( so to speak) I would lay ou cloths and have all things ready the night before. Then the older ones encourage them to start taking on more responsibility and get themselfs dressed and groomed as best they can. Also let them help ou tin small ways around the house with smaller chores and earn a little money or reward them another way.
I know what youa re going through I was a single mom of three. However if my man was verbally abusive or unwilling to participate in pitching in I would rethink my future. I could care a less if he was the rock star of the world and made all the family money he has a responsibilty as the head off the household to treat his family with the same respect he would his boss, himself or Jesus. If he spiritual it does say that in the scritptures. Good luck and nooooooooooooooooooo you are not expecting to much but way to little for yourself.

S.,
My heart truly goes out to you and there are absolutely zero easy answers. It sounds like he likes his cushy life and he's just abusive enough to enjoy the fact that he knows what a terrible position you are in.

I know you may not feel up to this right now. But I think you should consider becoming a childcare provider yourself. You are about to have a 4th child, likely your last with your marriage being the way it is and the cost of living being so high. You should enjoy this baby because it's going to go too fast. You are in Missouri so your own children will not count.

Think about this. You are already working 7 days per week 24 hours per day running a household. So why have another job on top of that? If you run 2 shifts of childcare you will have a much better income than you do now and great tax breaks from being open that way. I can explain more in private emails if you wish.

If you have more control over your own finances and situation, then you will be able to give him an ultimatum about changing, getting counseling etc.

Good caregivers are ALWAYS in demand. I'm not saying that daycare is the easiest job in the world. But in your situation it would be perfect for you.

Suzi

S.,
There has been a lot of good advice given to you. I agree with all who have said "start planning". You do not have to do anything right now about leaving, but I think it is a good idea to contact friends and family, think about your financial situation, and realize that he is not going to stop drinking. I attend an Al-Anon support group and it is a wonderful program to help you learn about yourself and come to understand that you cannot change this person, only change yourself. You will learn that he has a progressive disease that is only going to continue to get worse, unless he stops drinking completely and gets help for himself.

Hi S.,
I hear you and I can tell you there is hope for you and your husband. You can truly have a glorious marriage...despite his faults, because they all have them and so do we. I've been married for seven years. It took five years of mistakes before my hubby and I started to get it right. I only have one child and he is 13 months old, so I can't speak from experience about children, but men and women, husbands and wives, all function with the same basic needs, so I know this is good advice and it works. Two years ago, I read a book called "Created to Be His Helpmeet." I am a Christian and this book is written by a Christian, but regardless of your faith, some things are just true about men and women and you will find the answers in this book. It made me take a hard look at myself and helped me to stop taking such hard looks at my husband and begin to appreciate him completely and as I changed, so did he. Drastically! My hard-headed, down right mean and hateful husband (who can cut anyone down with his sharp tongue) started to cherish me (which is all I really wanted). We still have rough moments, but that is so much better than rough years. I don't think the answer is in one short piece of advice, and I know you don't have time for a lot of reading, but for your children and your family's sake, you don't have time not to read this book. It is by Debi Pearl and you can find it at nogreaterjoy.org. I would be happy to tell you more if any of this has struck a chord. I wish you the best and hope you will find joy in your marriage!
A.

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter if he doesn't hit you, it can still be abusive. Just think of what your children are learning. Your sons are learning it is ok to treat women the way his treat you, and your daughters are learning it is ok to be treated that way.

There are services and shelters to help women get out of abusive realationships and help them get on your feet. You are allowing yourself to be treated this way. Maybe, if he knew you had a way out, he would work to keep you. You are not helpless, please get help.

Hi S..
I have been where you are. I waited way to long to get out. You need to look at what the children are exposed to and if it is bad then you need to get them out of that environment. Working on your marriage after is fine, but the most important thing is getting the kids out of an unhealthy environment.
If they are seeing him drinking, and gambling and downgrading you then it is all bad, and they need to realize that this is not acceptable behavior for anyone. EVEN DAD !!!!
You need to start making plans to leave and exploring your options of the places that can help you provide for you and your kids. Call your family and speak with them.
I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted on how you are and what is going on.

I think he doesn't do anything because he feels he can get away with it. He probably realizes your predicament and takes full advantage of it. I would call his bluff and let him know you mean business. I would try to start stashing away a little money at a time.

You can try counseling, but he likes the situation he's in so good luck on that.

You said that your family and friends are out of state. It's hard to uproot kids...but you might consider moving to where they are for support and help IF you do decide to leave.

It's hard stuff!! You do deserve to be happy. Stand your ground and have a plan!!

God Bless!

The book How Can I Get Through To You by Terrence Real improved our communication a thousand percent. Now we are best friends. It is a short book that gets to the point. It describes hidden male depression which most women don't understand that their husband is suffering from. Many men are suffering from the way their parents raised them, the cruel working world & high expectations and resort to drinking. I made our household a safe haven of relaxation for my hubby and he was willing to do much more for us. He also excelled at work. It will take a lot of communication - but, well worth it. Best of luck S..

Dear S., I am so sorry to hear that you are at a crossroads. Now we must get it understood as a threshold. You need to find out what the root problem with the man that you are in love with is having. He obviously has some issues going on and you are not ASKING what is wrong with him. There is a way that we woman forget that we need to be to our men that we love because it is something they need. If we love them then we must come off of our high pedestals and get in the trenches with them. He loves you or he wouldn't be there! The way chicks are handin out coochie on the string these days, trust he could be with someone else hon...what I ams saying is ask him, get on his level amd show him your effection okay. If he laughs at you or blows you off well then there we have our answer, he doesn't take you serously which constitutes why he calls you out of your name. I pray things go well for you because I know it is something to deal with, with a man that jus won't quit. He will, you keep the faith and he will learn to better communicate with you on the level you so deserve to be treated.

Yep, there are times i am not sure why i have the husband around. We both work full time, but so much falls on me to do and get done, and take care of. There are those times that I think that my husband only adds to my list and i am not sure why I even have him around. BUT most of the time he is actually what keeps me sain. He does truly support me, he may not be that great at multi-tasking and getting things done, but he at least shows up!
And that is the bottom line. If he is not 'showing up' so to speak, then he isn't par taking in the marriage. Marriage is tough, yet it's also rewarding. And if there are no rewards, start thinking!!!
1. Worry about you
2. start saving your money in a personal account, without him knowing
3. seek help, ask him to go and if he doesn't then go yourself. you have to do this for you so you can talk these things out, and really think things through.

And for now, that's it. Don't do anything drastic right now. If your job doesn't pay what you need it to, then start looking. Figure out what does pay. You would be sureprised at what you can really do on your own, you just have to trust yourself.
But first and foremost always try and give every little option to that marriage. Walking away is no easier. But if that is the case for your own sanity and happiness, then your shoes are made for walkin'!
Remember - your kids see EVERYTHING. They know what is going on, and no matter your intentions, you are teaching them that this behavior is ok or that it's ok to be treated like this.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself for your baby's sake. Stop thinking about all of this and just start acting. you can come back to this decision at a later date, but lay the ground work. You don't have to decide anything right now.

I would consider moving to where family or friends are located. During/after the move, you could go on assistance for a while until you found a decent job. You need some support, physicial and emotional, especially during your pregnancy. If your husband is not going to help, then you need to leave. Have you contacted an attorney to enforce your child support order against your older children's father? You should be able to garnish is wages and/or take any tax refunds to which he is entitled. Check with your local Bar Association. They should be able to refer you to a pro bono attorney who can help you collect your child support, at least in theory. Anyway, you need to leave your husband before he has too much of a bad influence upon your children or he endangers your pregnancy.

No you are not asking too much for him to help with the children and the house. He knew when he married you that you had two children and then has chosen to make two more. Making more money than you does not excuse him from helping in the home. Men do feel that there worthiness is shown by there pay check but dear you are teaching him how you want to be treated. DO NOT allow him to treat you that way. Been there and played that game. Stand up for yourself now it will not get better it will only get worse. You can do it on your own if you have too. Do not fight or argue with him that will get you no where but set your boundries and stick by it. If you would not want your daughter to be treated the way you are being treated get out. Your children see it and think this is how it should be and it is ok. It is not ok. Think seriously about what you are instilling in your babies. R. R

Men can be such jerks some times. No, it's not too much for you to ask him to help you. Maybe he doesn't realize how rough it is for you. Take off. Leave him with all the kids and go to a family or friend's house for a couple of days. Then he'd have to take care of the kids by himself, get them dressed and ready to go and make sure he gets to work on time. He'd appreciate you a LOT more if he understood what your daily life was like.

Pray, pray, pray and pray some more! Find a local church that can encourage you and that offers counseling. Read the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.

Be careful about making life changing decisions!

First I want to say that you are not wrong thinking that you should have some help at home - especially when you are pregnant. But, you should never make a life changing decision while you are pregnant or just after you have a child, because your hormones are unbalanced. If I were you I would start saving money back now, and wait until several months after you have your baby, and if things haven't changed and you still feel the same - give your husband the ultimatum. "Help me or I'm outta here."

Oh my!! If I understand what I've read, you're already are on your own. You might try Alinon. It's a great program and they can teach you how to work within your situation. There are also shelters everywhere. They are there to help support you and your children. Some of them help find new jobs that are higher paying or education programs to help increase your marketability. There is always a way out of situations like this. I know, I've been there. It's just hard to see when you're in the midst of it.

You are doing it alone right now. He doesn't help you. I would leave him in a heart beat. Your kids don't need to be exposed to his behavior. You should check in to state assistance. I am sure you will be able to get some assistance if you are raising 4 kids alone. You will get child support from him. I am so sorry you are going through this. Being pregnant and having to deal with all this is just horrible. I was somewhat emotional when I was pregnant with my two kids. I have a wonderful supportive husband so he was a huge help. He still is a huge help with our kids.

Good Luck.

Your husband is an abusive alcoholic, and for the good of you and the children, you should pick up and leave. Move to be near a support network and start over. The way you are living now is survival mode and you are teaching your own children that your husband's behavior is acceptable. Get out now!

Hi S.!

Whatever you do don't stay with a man that doesn't treat you right! I was trapped once myself with a man that stayed out on the weekends while I was pregnant and just didn't care about my feelings or that he was ruining our marriage. I lived 8 hours away from any family but, finally decided that I needed to move on. I drove 8 hours and pregnant back to KS and left him. It was the best decision that I could've made. I know that if I would've stayed with him that I would be so depressed today and my child would suffer through this horrible marriage. I met a man 1 year later who has supported me with everything that I do and actually makes twice as much as my ex-husband does. We are now married and living a great life. You're not alone and the state actually will help single mothers with child care, food, and even help with bills. I work for SRS so I know there are lots of choices and lots of financial help for you if you decide to leave your husband. If you still love your husband try counseling. If he doesn't want to try that then, maybe the next step is divorce.

I think there has been a lot of good advice here already.

One thing I would like to mention is that while it may seem as if your income alone won't be enough (and it may not be, I don't know the particulars) but do know that a heavy drinking habit costs a LOT of money... so you may be better off financially without that monkey on your back, so to speak.

You are not asking too much of your husband but he is definitely asking too much of you. He doesn't respect you and only cares about his happiness. I would leave. I know your situation is difficult but I would look at every possible option. If you have any co-workers you could talk to who might know of some resources for you. You could stay but all you would be to him is a maid and nanny for the kids.

You have a very full plate right now, and you need some support. In my community we have a place where abused women can get help--and yes, you ARE being abused--if not physically, what your husband is doing is psychologically abusive! Ask around, and see if you can find someone to counsel you. A pastor of a church might be able to help you find someone. For the sake of your children, you need to actively seek out this help. When you are in the middle of a situation such as yours, it is sometimes difficult to see clearly what is going on. A third, unbiased person can give you some perspective, and help you decide what is best for you to do. Best wishes, and my prayers are with you. J.

Hey Girl, I feel you,But first and formost you have to go to the man upstairs.Iam 42 and have a 23, 18,16,and yes 3year old.Yes it is very hard i hade to raise my kid's and work also and yes most men think that you are soupose to do it all and you jnow what you are going to have to get your thinking cap on and do something changing.Takr care of those kids and enjoy them now.As far as the old man goes sit down and have a talk with him about what you expect out of him and mean what you say and give him a time limit to comply with what you have said .Go on about your buisness and save every dime you can First write down the things that has to changed .Right now he knows that you will not leave him becouse he got you were he wants you men think like that but there is a way that you can straiten things out.agnor him do what ever you have to do to get his attention that you got it togather.Make him feel like you don't need him.Try thease things and see if you see a change.What ever you do ,do not loose you wits , it's going to hard but you can do it ,we all have.Good luck.

Let him know that you are equal partners in this marriage, even if the woman doesn't work, she is still an equal partner, not 50/50 but 100/100. You actually put in more hours a day then he does, with everything you have to do for the kids, the house, him. lol, write down everything you do for a week, tally up the hours, give him a fake bill at 10.00 an hour. You're both parents to those kids, step or not, you were a package deal when he married you... hope this helps

S.,

Many of us who are divorced felt trapped financially and by the overwhelming idea of being on our own with kids. But whether you manage to save your marriage or go out on your own, you're stronger and have more resources than you probably know. My suggestion is to figure out what you need and where you can get it, so you don't feel so powerless.

You've got some good thoughts here from the other ladies, and I concur. You don't say whether you love him or are tolerating him, but if he's drinking that hard, at some point you will need to make some hard decisions. I think the best things you can do are:

1. Start socking away money, even if it's just a little bit a month.

2. Be realistic. Since you're feeling sick and due to have a baby, you really can't get a second job at this point. If you add that stress, things will just be worse. So I strongly second the woman who suggested you talk to your family out-of-state about helping, even if it means moving yourself and your kids lock, stock and barrel. You don't have to DO it. But if someone (parent, sibling, old friend who's still single) will take you in while you get settled, it will give you a back-up plan and make you feel less trapped.

3. Plan a new life before you jump. I jumped without planning, and I paid for it in many ways. Just for your information, find a lawyer and have one consultation. Find out what would happen if you decided to separate or divorce, and what you could expect in the way of financial support. You might be surprised. With child support from him and your own job, you may be in a good enough position to take care of yourself and your kids. Think through where you would live, what day care options are available through the schools or privately, etc. Just start getting prepared mentally. I don't know how abusive your husband really is, but I would keep this set of activities to myself or he may find ways to "punish" you.

4. Talk to someone. If you can't afford a counselor, go to your minister or rabbi. You will need someone objective to give you emotional support as you are thinking through hard decisions. By the way, if you don't like the first person you see, move on! I once went to a counselor to talk about how to help my step-family heal from some of the baggage that comes with divorce, and he told me to "get myself out of that cesspool"! I walked away from that office and never went back. We're still a family and I found someone good who helped us through our difficulties.

5. Think about attending one of those Alcoholics Anonymous meetings held especially for family members. Here are a couple of resources: http://www.wcg.org/lit/booklets/alcohol/helpfamily.htm and
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html. You're not alone in this problem, and AA will have a lot of good info and support.

Good luck to you S.. Let us know how things are going. Your road isn't easy, especially with all the kids, but they are your reward as well as your burden, and you will do whatever you must for their sake, I know.

You have every right to expect him to help you out during this pregnancy and when you are not pregnant. Two of those children are his and just as much his responsibility as yours. He is selfish, obviously. It doesn't matter who makes the most money as long as everyone is happy. It seems that he is the only one happy with the arrangment. Even they don't show it, I am sure the children feel ignored also.

My dear young lady, you are already raising 4 children. I'd say:1.quit your job to take care of the three you have
2.go on welfare for awhile to get situated and try to enjoy
the time with the children(maybe go back closer to home)
3.get legal help for the last 2 children from "husband"
4.find a good church to meet your needs emotionally and
spiritually PLUS have a little break of refreshing time
away from the children for free.
5.there are many things that can be done so please don't get in a bigger mess with "husband"